A bit of humour

[codash1099]

 

[RAM]

[FONT=&amp]Not a politically correct joke - read at your own risk![/FONT][FONT=&amp]


A clearly inebriated woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in New York City and lay down on the back seat[/FONT][FONT=&amp].[/FONT]

[FONT=&amp]The cab driver, an old gentleman, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman. He made no attempt to start the cab.
[/FONT]
[FONT=&amp]The woman glared back at him and said, "What's wrong with you, honey? Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"
[/FONT]
[FONT=&amp]The old driver answered, "Let me tell you sumsing, lady , I vasn't staring at you like you tink; det vould not be proper vair I come from."
[/FONT]
[FONT=&amp]The drunk woman giggled and responded, "Well, if you're not staring at my coughs or cough sweetie, what are you doing then?"
[/FONT]
[FONT=&amp]He paused a moment, then told her ...
"Vell, M'am, I am looking and I am looking, and I am tinking to myself,'Vair in da hell is dis lady keeping de money to pay for dis ride?
[/FONT]
[FONT=&amp]Now, that's a REAL Businessman !!![/FONT]

 

[Major]

Little Eddie and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they know they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Eddie goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.

Eddie bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and
I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Eddie, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"
Without even taking a moment to think about it, Eddie replies, "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."

Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay, then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny."
Again, Eddie instantly replies, "Our allowance, Jenny makes five bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, so that should do us just fine."

Mr. Smith is impressed Eddie has put so much thought into this. "Well Eddie, it seems like you have everything figured out. I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little children of your own?"
Eddie just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, we've been lucky so far."

Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little bugger is adorable

 

[whatmeworry]

Pax into Australia.

 

[straitman]

A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won’t stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: “I have a question to ask you, but I don’t want to offend you.”

She answers, “My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”

“Well” the Cab driver replies, “I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.”

She responds, “Well, let’s see what we can do about that:

Firstly, you have to be single, and Secondly, you must be Catholic”

The cab driver is very excited and says, “Yes, I’m single and Catholic!”

“OK” the nun says. “Pull into the next alley”

The nun fulfils his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

“My dear child,” said the nun, “why are you crying?”

“Forgive me but I’ve sinned. I lied, I must confess, I’m married and I’m Jewish.”

The nun says, “That’s OK, my name is Kevin and I’m going to a Halloween party.”

 

[R36snowbound]

Honest advertising.......

 

[codash1099]

 

[Major]

Chicken Surprise

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the 'Chicken Surprise', The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.

Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly
And she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down. 'Good grief, did you see that?' she asks her husband.

He hadn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down..rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.

'Please sir,' says the waiter, 'what you order?' The husband replies, 'Chicken Surprise.'

'Ah! So sorry,' says the waiter, 'I bring you Peeking Duck!'

 

[amaroo]

........ Lol

 

[RAM]

...Works for some...

 

[codash1099]

 

[RAM]

Three men walk into a bar,...

The joy of lateral thinking...

 

[Major]

Re: Three men walk into a bar,...

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet.
The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.
The firefighter walked over to take a closer look.

'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration.
'Thanks,' the girl replied.

The firefighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicl_s.

‘Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster. '
The little girl replied thoughtfully,

'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.

 

[straitman]

Re: Three men walk into a bar,...

Are these the five best Smart cough answers?

SMART cough ANSWER 5
It was mealtime during a flight on a Qantas plane:
“Would you like dinner?” the flight attendant asked one passenger.
“What are my choices?” the man asked.
“Yes or no,” she replied.

SMART cough ANSWER 4
A lady was picking through the frozen chickens at a Woolworth’s store but she couldn’t find one big enough for her family.
She asked a passing assistant, “Do these chickens get any bigger?”
The assistant replied, “I’m afraid not madam, they’re dead.”

SMART cough ANSWER 3
The policeman flagged down a speeding car and when it stopped, he saw that the driver was a teenager.
“I’ve been waiting for you all day,” the cop said.
The kid replied, “Well I got here as fast as I could.”
When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

SMART cough ANSWER 2
A truck driver was driving along on a country road. A sign came up that read, “Low Bridge Ahead”. Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under it. Cars were backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car arrived. The policeman got out of his car and walked to the truck’s cab and said to the driver, “Got stuck, eh?”
The truck driver said, “No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of fuel!”

SMART cough ANSWER OF THE YEAR AND NUMBER 1!
A High School teacher was reminding her pupils of their final exam the following day.
“Now listen to me, I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack, a near-fatal personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever!”
A smart-coughd teenager at the back of the room raised his hand and asked, “What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?”
The entire class started sniggering.
When silence was restored, the teacher smiled at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, “Well, I would expect you to write the exam with your other hand.”

 

[Foreigner]

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.

As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.

Without blinking an eyelid she said,
'Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub.'

 

[Major]

The Undertaker.

Bob, an undertaker, recently came home with a black eye.
“What happened to you?” asked his wife.
“I had a terrible day” replied Bob.
“I had to go to a hotel and pick up a man who had died in his sleep.
When I got there, the manager said
They couldn't get him into a body bag
Because he had this huge erection”.
“Anyway, I went up and, sure enough, there was this big
Naked guy laying on the bed with this huge erection.
So I grabbed it with both hands and tried to bend it in half”.
“I see”, said his wife, “that must have been awful,
But how did you get the black eye?”

Bob replied, ” …Wrong room …”

 

[Foreigner]

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 1 a. m. and is asked where he is going atthis time of night.
The man replies, “I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body”.
The officer then asks, “Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of the night?”
The man replies, “My wife.”

 

[Foreigner]

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only his pet dog for company. One day the dog died and Muldoon asked his priest "Father,my dog died, could ya be saying a mass for the poor creature"?
Father said "I'm sorry my lad, we cannot have services for an animal in the church, but there are some Baptists down the lane and they might do something for the creature.
Muldoon said "I'll go right away Father. Do you think $5000 is enough to donate for the services"?
Father exclaimed "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic?"

 

[Foreigner]

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "Honey, what do you think the neighbours would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied

 

[Major]

Health Information:

· Do you have feelings of inadequacy?

· Do you suffer from shyness?

· Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?


If you answered ‘Yes’ to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Cabernet Sauvignon.


Cabernet Sauvignon is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. It can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.

You will notice the benefits of Cabernet Sauvignon almost immediately and, with a regimen of regular doses, you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live.

Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will discover the many talents you never knew you had. So, stop hiding and start living.

Cabernet Sauvignon may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use it. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.


Side effects:

Side effects may include:

dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.


Warnings:

· The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

· The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

· The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may cause you to think you can sing.

· The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than
most people.



Now, just imagine what you could achieve with a decent Shiraz, Pinot Noir or Merlot!