A bit of humour

[Bundy Bear]

First one was clever




I was in the US when a friend posted this on Facebook complaining about the rain.

Wakerley is a suburb of Brisbane.

 

[Deleted member]

I spend half the day wondering if it's too late for coffee...

And I spend the other half wondering if it's too early for alcohol

I have two words for you "Espresso Martini"

 

[Barks]

I have two words for you "Espresso Martini"

Or coffee tequila... I once took a bottle to a party and one of my female friends took quite a liking to it. The next morning when I woke I had a message sent from her at around 4:30am - "You cough!?!! I'm drunk and can't sleep"

 

[Bundy Bear]

Hello! Gordon's pizza?
- No sir this is Google's pizza.
- Sorry, I must have dialed a wrong number?
- No sir, Google bought out Gordon's Pizza a short while ago.
- OK. Take my order please.
- OK sir, would you like your usual?"
- The usual? You know me?
- According to our caller-ID database, your last 12 orders were for pizza with cheese and sausage toppings, thick crust and crisp.
- OK! That's it...
- May I suggest this time you add ricotta, arugula with dry tomato toppings?
- What? I hate vegetables.
- Your cholesterol is not good, sir."
- How do you know that?
- We cross-matched your phone number with your name and your online medical portal,We have the result of your blood tests for the past 7 years.
- Okay, but I do not want those toppings, I already take medicine ...
- Excuse me, but you have not taken your medicine regularly. We can see from our database, 4 months ago, you only purchased a box with 30 cholesterol tablets at CVS.
- I bought more from another pharmac_.
- Such a transaction is not showing in your credit card account.
- I paid in cash.
- But you did not withdraw that much cash according to your recent bank statement.
- I have another source of cash.
- That is not showing as per your latest tax return unless you obtained it from an undeclared income source.
WHAT THE.....
- "I'm sorry, sir, we use such information only with the intention of helping you.
- Enough! I'm sick of Google, Facebook, Twitter, Whats App. I'm going to an Island without internet, cable TV, where there is no cell phone service and no one to spy on me.
- "I understand sir but you'll need to renew your passport first as it expired 6 weeks ago! :shock:

 

[Major]

An uneducated father with his educated son went on a camping trip. They set-up their tent and fell asleep.

Some hours later, the father woke up his son.

Father- Look up to the sky and tell me what you see.
Son- I see millions of stars.
Father- And what does that tell you?
Son- Astronomically, it tells that there are millions of galaxies and planets.

Father slaps the son hard and says- "Idiot, someone has stolen our tent"

MORAL:
Too much education can spoil our common sense.

 

[BacchusMarsh]

An uneducated father with his educated son went on a camping trip. They set-up their tent and fell asleep.

Some hours later, the father woke up his son.

Father- Look up to the sky and tell me what you see.
Son- I see millions of stars.
Father- And what does that tell you?
Son- Astronomically, it tells that there are millions of galaxies and planets.

Father slaps the son hard and says- "Idiot, someone has stolen our tent"

MORAL:
Too much education can spoil our common sense. 

Kind of familiar.

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert.
After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.
Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, 'Kemo Sabe, look Towards sky, what you see?
"The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.".'
What that tell you?' asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, 'Astronomically speaking, It tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter Past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
What's it tell you, Tonto?"
"You dumber than buffalo s**t.
It means someone stole the tent."

 

[whatmeworry]

Minority Government.

 

[Cruiser Elite]

............................................

 

[codash1099]

..............

 

[whatmeworry]

Sad but True.

 

[anat0l]

Why do Java developers need to wear glasses?

Because they can't C#

 

[anat0l]

A man goes to see his doctor, and is immediately rushed to the hospital, to undergo a barrage of extensive, expensive tests. The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone by his bed rings. “This is your doctor. We’ve had the results back from your tests and we’ve found you have an extremely nasty condition, which is extremely contagious!”

“Oh my gosh,” cries the man. He’s in a panic now. “What are you going to do, doctor?”

“Well we’re going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes, and pita bread.”

“Will that cure me?” asked the man hopefully.

The doctor replied, “Well no, but … it’s the only food we can get under the door.”

 

[donovan301]

Sad but True.

View attachment 100984

Last I read "The Devil" had denounced Christianity when he quit his job and went Freelance

 

[donovan301]

...and for a rather bad taste giggle from late Iraqi war period with USA

(and No I don't condone the image....much, though it's a bit funny, ...)

 

[Bundy Bear]

"Your storage is full" thanks Apple, I will just go delete some photos of my friends and family but at least I will have room for the stocks app.

 

[Bundy Bear]

Apparently, it's only appropriate to say "Look at you! You got so big!" to children.
Adults tend to get offended.

 

[whatmeworry]

Smile High Club

[video=youtube_share;gOZkIH8Zsq0]https://youtu.be/gOZkIH8Zsq0[/video]

 

[Hvr]

Q: Why do space rocks taste better than earth rocks?

A: Because they're a little meteor.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++

What's the difference between a well-dressed unicyclist and a poorly dressed man on a bicycle?

Attire.

 

[Hvr]

A man walks into a taxidermist's shop carrying a paper bag, which he sets on the counter. The taxidermist opens the bag and finds two dead squirrels. "So would you like them mounted?", he asks, to which the man replies "No thank you. Holding hands would be fine."

 

[straitman]

Four surgeons were sitting around on lunch break, discussing what kinds of people they like to operate on.

The first surgeon said, “I like operating on librarians. When you open them up everything is in alphabetical order.”

The second surgeon said, “I like operating on accountants. When you open them up everything is numbered and organized.”

The third surgeon said, “I like operating on electricians. When you open them up everything is color-coded.”

The fourth surgeon said, “No no, operating on politicians is clearly the best, and also really easy.”

The other three surgeons looked at each other in disbelief. One of them asked why.

The fourth surgeon replied, “Because they are heartless, gutless, spineless, and their cough and head are interchangeable.”


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