A bit of humour
- Thread starter Maca44
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A good example of why you should always think before you speak!
A manager at a grocery store had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes, he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four women in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.
The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, the interviewer asked, “What is the fastest thing you can think of?”
The first woman replied, “A thought! It just pops into your head. There’s no warning.”
“That’s very good!” replied the interviewer. “And, now you, what’s the fastest thing you can think of?” he asked the second woman.
“Hmmm, let’s see… A blink! It comes and goes and you don’t know that it ever happened. A blink is the fastest thing I know of.”
“Excellent!” said the interviewer. “The blink of an eye, that’s a very popular cliché for speed.”
He then turned to the third woman, who was contemplating her reply.
“Well, out at my dad’s ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there’s a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. Yep, turning on a light is the fastest thing I can think of.”
The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found the person for the job. “True, it’s hard to beat the speed of light,” he said.
The interviewer then turned to the fourth candidate, who was a 19 year old blonde, and posed the same question.
She replied, “After hearing the previous three answers, it’s obvious to me that the fastest thing is diarrhea.”
“WHAT!?” said the interviewer, stunned by the response.
“Oh sure,” said the blonde, “you see, the other day I wasn’t feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could think, blink, or turn on the light, I had already coughped my pants.”
He’s probably never heard that answer before!
A manager at a grocery store had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes, he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four women in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.
The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, the interviewer asked, “What is the fastest thing you can think of?”
The first woman replied, “A thought! It just pops into your head. There’s no warning.”
“That’s very good!” replied the interviewer. “And, now you, what’s the fastest thing you can think of?” he asked the second woman.
“Hmmm, let’s see… A blink! It comes and goes and you don’t know that it ever happened. A blink is the fastest thing I know of.”
“Excellent!” said the interviewer. “The blink of an eye, that’s a very popular cliché for speed.”
He then turned to the third woman, who was contemplating her reply.
“Well, out at my dad’s ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there’s a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. Yep, turning on a light is the fastest thing I can think of.”
The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found the person for the job. “True, it’s hard to beat the speed of light,” he said.
The interviewer then turned to the fourth candidate, who was a 19 year old blonde, and posed the same question.
She replied, “After hearing the previous three answers, it’s obvious to me that the fastest thing is diarrhea.”
“WHAT!?” said the interviewer, stunned by the response.
“Oh sure,” said the blonde, “you see, the other day I wasn’t feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could think, blink, or turn on the light, I had already coughped my pants.”
He’s probably never heard that answer before!
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A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a USA store.
The store clerk called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor.
The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery.
He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital .
A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clipboard loaded with several forms,and a pen.
She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment. "Do youhave health insurance?" she asked.
He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."
The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"
He replied, "No money in the bank."
Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked the irritated nun.
He said, "I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun."
The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters!
Nuns are married to God."
The patient replied, "Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law."
The store clerk called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor.
The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery.
He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital .
A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clipboard loaded with several forms,and a pen.
She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment. "Do youhave health insurance?" she asked.
He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."
The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"
He replied, "No money in the bank."
Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked the irritated nun.
He said, "I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun."
The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters!
Nuns are married to God."
The patient replied, "Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law."
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This person parking their van at BNE airport obviously has a GSOH:
Flashback
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Do you have carpool lanes there?
AIRwin
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Yes but the driver must have survived the gridlock waiting to get out of certain shopping centre car parks on Mother's Day to make it to BNE airport only to have turned into a skeleton there...
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Maybe you’ve taken a “sick” day off work only to run into your coworker at a ball game. You might have been embarrassed to get caught on a cheat day, but that sort of thing happens to everybody, right?
Three women who work in the same office notice that their female boss has started leaving work early every day.
One day they decide that after she leaves, they’ll take off early, too. After all, she never calls or comes back, so how is she to know?
The brunette is thrilled to get home early. She does a little gardening, watches a movie and then goes to bed early.
The redhead is elated to be able to get in a quick workout at her health club before meeting a dinner date.
The blonde is also very happy to be home early, but as she goes upstairs she hears noises coming from her bedroom. She quietly opens the door a crack and is mortified to see her husband in bed with HER BOSS!
Ever so gently, she closes the door and creeps out of her house.
The next day, the brunette and the redhead talk about leaving early again, but when they ask the blonde if she wants to leave early also, she exclaims, “NO WAY! I almost got caught yesterday!”
That was a close one!
Three women who work in the same office notice that their female boss has started leaving work early every day.
One day they decide that after she leaves, they’ll take off early, too. After all, she never calls or comes back, so how is she to know?
The brunette is thrilled to get home early. She does a little gardening, watches a movie and then goes to bed early.
The redhead is elated to be able to get in a quick workout at her health club before meeting a dinner date.
The blonde is also very happy to be home early, but as she goes upstairs she hears noises coming from her bedroom. She quietly opens the door a crack and is mortified to see her husband in bed with HER BOSS!
Ever so gently, she closes the door and creeps out of her house.
The next day, the brunette and the redhead talk about leaving early again, but when they ask the blonde if she wants to leave early also, she exclaims, “NO WAY! I almost got caught yesterday!”
That was a close one!
D
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Apologies if this has been seen before, but I just Love Gary Larsen
whatmeworry
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Very true.
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"A lady goes to her parish priest one day and tells him, “Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots but they only know how to say one thing.”
“What do they say?” the priest inquired.
“They say, ‘Hi, we’re prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'” the woman said embarrassingly.
“That’s obscene!” the priest exclaimed, “I can see why you are embarrassed.”
He thought a minute and then said, “You know, I may have a solution to this problem. I have two male parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house and we will put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship. I’m sure your parrots will stop saying that… that phrase in no time.”
“Thank you,” the lady responded, “this may very well be the solution.”
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest’s house. As he ushered her in, she saw his two male parrots were inside their cage, clutching their rosary beads and praying.
Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After just a couple of seconds, the female parrots exclaimed out in unison,
“Hi, we’re prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?”
There was a stunned silence.
Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and said, “Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!”
“What do they say?” the priest inquired.
“They say, ‘Hi, we’re prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'” the woman said embarrassingly.
“That’s obscene!” the priest exclaimed, “I can see why you are embarrassed.”
He thought a minute and then said, “You know, I may have a solution to this problem. I have two male parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house and we will put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship. I’m sure your parrots will stop saying that… that phrase in no time.”
“Thank you,” the lady responded, “this may very well be the solution.”
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest’s house. As he ushered her in, she saw his two male parrots were inside their cage, clutching their rosary beads and praying.
Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After just a couple of seconds, the female parrots exclaimed out in unison,
“Hi, we’re prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?”
There was a stunned silence.
Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and said, “Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!”
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D
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After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counselling.
When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing
every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married.
On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness,
feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs
she had endured.
Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the
therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to
stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband
watched - with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat
down in a daze.
The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife
needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?"
"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays,
...............But I go fishing on Fridays.
When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing
every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married.
On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness,
feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs
she had endured.
Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the
therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to
stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband
watched - with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat
down in a daze.
The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife
needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?"
"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays,
...............But I go fishing on Fridays.
D
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[FONT="]NEW POSTAGE STAMP. RATES ARE DOWN.[/FONT]
[FONT="]The US Postal Service created a stamp with a picture of President Trump, but the new stamp was not sticking to envelopes.[/FONT]
[FONT="]This enraged the President who demanded a full investigation.[/FONT]
[FONT="]After weeks of testing and $1.73 million in congressional spending, a special Presidential commission presented the following findings:[/FONT]
[FONT="]The stamp is in perfect order. There is nothing wrong with the adhesive.[/FONT]
[FONT="]People are spitting on the wrong side.[/FONT]
Strategic Aviation
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whatmeworry
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President Donald Trump and his driver were cruising along a country road one night when all of a sudden they hit a pig, killing it instantly.
Trump told his driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. About one hour later Trump sees his driver staggering back to the car with a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and his clothes all ripped and torn.
"What happened to you?" asked Trump
"Well, the Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar and his 19-year-old daughter made mad passionate love to me."
"My God, what did you tell them?" asks Trump.
The driver replies, "I'm president Donald Trump's driver, and I just killed the pig."
Trump told his driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. About one hour later Trump sees his driver staggering back to the car with a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and his clothes all ripped and torn.
"What happened to you?" asked Trump
"Well, the Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar and his 19-year-old daughter made mad passionate love to me."
"My God, what did you tell them?" asks Trump.
The driver replies, "I'm president Donald Trump's driver, and I just killed the pig."
D
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Which is why he was in coach in the first place. :
D
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Donald Trump met with the Queen and he asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?"
"Well," replied the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."
Trump frowned, and then asked, "But how do I know the people around you are really intelligent?"
The Queen took a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle."
The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "Please send Theresa May in here, would you?"
Theresa May walked into the room and said, "Yes, Your Majesty?"
The Queen smiled and said, "Answer me this, if you would, Theresa. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"
Without pausing for a moment, Theresa May answered, "That would be me."
"Yes! Very good," said the Queen.
Trump went back home to ask Mike Pence the same question. “ Mike, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"
"I'm not sure," said Pence. "Let me get back to you on that one." He went to his advisers and asked everyone, but none could give him an answer.
Finally, Pence ran in to Sarah Palin in a restaurant the next night. Pence asked, "Sarah, can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Sarah Palin answered right back, "That's easy, it's me!"
Pence smiled, and said, "Thanks!"
Pence then, went back to speak with Trump. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle.
It's Sarah Palin!"
Trump got up, stomped over to Pence, and angrily yelled, "No, you idiot! It's Theresa May!"
...AND THAT MY FRIENDS IS PRECISELY WHAT'S GOING ON AT THE WHITE HOU
"Well," replied the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."
Trump frowned, and then asked, "But how do I know the people around you are really intelligent?"
The Queen took a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle."
The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "Please send Theresa May in here, would you?"
Theresa May walked into the room and said, "Yes, Your Majesty?"
The Queen smiled and said, "Answer me this, if you would, Theresa. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"
Without pausing for a moment, Theresa May answered, "That would be me."
"Yes! Very good," said the Queen.
Trump went back home to ask Mike Pence the same question. “ Mike, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"
"I'm not sure," said Pence. "Let me get back to you on that one." He went to his advisers and asked everyone, but none could give him an answer.
Finally, Pence ran in to Sarah Palin in a restaurant the next night. Pence asked, "Sarah, can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Sarah Palin answered right back, "That's easy, it's me!"
Pence smiled, and said, "Thanks!"
Pence then, went back to speak with Trump. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle.
It's Sarah Palin!"
Trump got up, stomped over to Pence, and angrily yelled, "No, you idiot! It's Theresa May!"
...AND THAT MY FRIENDS IS PRECISELY WHAT'S GOING ON AT THE WHITE HOU
whatmeworry
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Just a scratch.
get me outta here
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