A bit of humour

[Major]

I thought I would regale you with a few paraprosdokians for your weekend amusement


If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they'd eventually find me attractive.

I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom, until they're flashing behind you.

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool, so I gave him a glass of water.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

I'm great at multi-tasking -- I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

Take my advice — I'm not using it.

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Is it wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly?

Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.

I was going to give him a nasty look, but he already had one.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

I was going to wear my camouflage shirt today, but I couldn't find it.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let him sleep.

If tomatoes are technically a fruit, is sauce a smoothie?

No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

 

[cambriamarsh]

Unfortunately or fortunately it's fake. Obviously. Simple Google search reveals all.

FALSE: 1964 WD-40 Ad Full of Sexual Innuendo


http://wafflesatnoon.com/1964-wd-40-ad/

Pity but not surprised

 

[mrs.dr.ron]

This one is my favourite !


"I'm great at multi-tasking -- I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once. "

 

[cove]

Big Dogs have a T shirt for you where they highlight the PRO in procrastinate mrs.dr.ron.

 

[get me outta here]

cove, are you sure it wasn't a misspelling of PROcreate?

Big Dogs have a T shirt for you where they highlight the PRO in procrastinate mrs.dr.ron.

 

[mrs.dr.ron]

cove, are you sure it wasn't a misspelling of PROcreate?

 

[cove]

Send them the idea of Procreate and you will probably get a royalty!

 

[Bundy Bear]

After reading the AFF off topic thread I thought the above comment might be funny.

No you can't change people's minds easily.

 

[Maca44]

[FONT=&quot][/FONT][FONT=&quot][FONT=&quot]A female dwarf goes to a doctor complaining of an embarrassing itch in the groin area. [/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]

[/FONT][FONT=&quot]The doctor looks her up and down, picks her up and stands her on his desk. He lifts up her skirt and puts his head under. [/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]A little perplexed, she hears snip, snip, snip, snip. The doctor emerges from under her skirt. 'How's that?’[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]'Well, it's a lot better actually, but... it's still there.’[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]Undaunted, he dives back under her skirt. Snip, snip, snip, snip. Out he comes. 'How's that?' he asks again more confident.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]'That's wonderful! What did you do?’[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]'I trimmed the top of your Ugg boots.'[/FONT]

 

[straitman]

That's the last time we repost anything from my 86 year old American friend, straitman. Of course he still thinks about sex all the time because he still thinks he is a young man.
Oh no it may be a fake but it was funny when I first saw it.
I hope the night nurse isn't a fake as well.

Whilst you've got the age correct I'm fairly sure that straitman is Australian.

The power of punctuation!

The joke came from an 86yo friend of cove but I posted it.

 

[TheRealTMA]

The power of punctuation!

The joke came from an 86yo friend of cove but I posted it.

By that you mean the full stop instead of comma after your name?

 

[Foreigner]

,,,,,,,,,,,,

 

[straitman]

A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem:

The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the Magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look, It’s not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" Or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?" The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. it was, after all, the Captain's' parrot.

Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board. The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would have it ... With the parrot. They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day... And then 2 days. And then 3 days. Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said....

"OK, I give up. Where's the ****in' ship?"

 

[Major]

Scottish Independence

If Scotland gains its independence in the next possible referendum,
the remainder of the United Kingdom will be known as the "Former United Kingdom", or cough.

In a bid to discourage the Scots from voting "Yes" in this referendum,
Theresa May will campaign with the slogan "Vote NO, for cough's sake."

She feels Scottish voters will be able to relate to this.

 

[straitman]

Scotch & Two Drops Of Water

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water.

As the bartender gives her the drink she says, 'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today.'

The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink, In fact, this one is on me.'

As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, 'I would like to buy you a drink, too.'

The old woman says, 'Thank you.

Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.'

'Coming up,' says the bartender.

As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, 'I would like to buy you one, too.'

The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.'

'Coming right up,' the bartender says.

As he gives her the drink, he says, 'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?'

The old woman replies, 'Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. . . . . Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.'

 

[codash1099]

A coming trend?

 

[straitman]

I wasn't sure whether to post this here or in the medical thread :!:

HEALTH ISSUES?

· Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
· Do you suffer from shyness?
· Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Cabernet Sauvignon.

Cabernet Sauvignon is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. It can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.

You will notice the benefits of Cabernet Sauvignon almost immediately and, with a regimen of regular doses, you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live.

Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will discover many talents you never knew you had.

Stop hiding and start living.

Cabernet Sauvignon may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use it. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.

Side effects

Side effects may include:
Dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.

Warnings :
· The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
· The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
· The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may cause you to think you can sing.
· The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

Please feel free to share this important information with as many people as you feel may benefit!
Now just imagine what you could achieve with a good Shiraz or Merlot...

 

[Hvr]

I'm reading a book about the history of glue. It's so good I can't put it down!

+++++

I ate a watch yesterday, it was time consuming. Especially when I went back for seconds.


+++++

I used to be addicted to eating soap. But I've come clean now.

+++++

What does a buffalo say when their male child leaves?

Bison.

 

[Hvr]

These are from the SMH. I like them.
Column 8

J-Alice Hofler of Dee Why offers puns for those with a "slightly higher IQ".

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

Dijon vu – the same mustard as before.

Practice safe eating – always use condiments.

Shotgun wedding – a case of wife or death.

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.

What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).

 

[straitman]

Men Are Just Happier People

NICKNAMES..
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah. If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Shorty and Lofty.

EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in £20, even though it's only for £52.50. None of them will have anything smaller.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators...YES..!!!

MONEY
A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs.
A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS
A man has five items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, razor, soap, and a towel.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the bins, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

SO, share this to the women who have a sense of humour and who can handle it ....
And to the men who will enjoy reading it.!