A bit of humour

[Hvr]

Did you hear about the band called 900mb, they haven't gotten a gig yet.

 

[Captain Halliday]

Driving around in Brisbane's pouring rain today reminded me I need to find a plumber.

And just then I found one. If only I knew his number.

*This photo was taken from the passenger seat.

 

[Major]

Looks like they have changed their number

Millar's Plumbing Services | Your Family's Plumber

 

[Maca44]

Two beautiful Sweedish lesbians moved into the apartment directly opposite
They gave me a very expensive Rolex for my birthday.
I think they misunderstood when I said I just wanna watch.

 

[JohnM]

I hope this is not too far OT but I liked this Indian Airforce recruiting advertisement just outside Varinasi station after arriving on the overnight train from Agra this morning. Thought it might particularly appeal to some of the ex-military fliers.

 

[Major]

Mujibar was trying to get a job in India .

The Personnel Manager said, 'Mujibar,
You have passed all the tests, except one.
It is a simple test of your English language skills.
Unless you pass it , you cannot qualify for this job.'

Mujibar said, 'I am ready.'

The manager said,
'You must make a sentence using the words
Yellow, Pink, and Green.'

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said,
'Mister manager, I am ready.'

The manager said, 'Go ahead.'

Mujibar said,
'The telephone goes green, green,
And I pink it up, and say,
Yellow, this is Mujibar.'

Mujibar now works at a call center.

No doubt you have spoken to him.
I know I have.

 

[Deleted member]

Apologies if this has already made it to here before .

[FONT=&quot]A [/FONT][FONT=&quot]fleeing Taliban terrorist, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the mirage, only to find a very frail little old Jewish man standing at a small makeshift display rack - selling ties.[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]

[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]The Taliban terrorist asked, "Do you have water?”[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5."[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]The Taliban shouted hysterically, "Idiot Infidel! I do not need such an over-priced western adornment. I spit on your ties. I need water!”[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]"Sorry, I have none - just ties - pure silk - and only $5."[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]"Pahh! A curse on your ties, I should wrap one around your scrawny little neck and choke the life out of you, but I must conserve my energy and find water!"[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]"Okay," said the little old Jewish man, it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie from me or that you hate me, threaten my life and call me infidel. I will show you that I am bigger than any of that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a restaurant. It has the finest food and all the ice-cold water you need...Go In Peace![/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Cursing him again, the desperate Taliban staggered away over the hill.[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Several hours later, he crawled back, almost dead and gasped, "They won't let me in without a tie!"[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]

 

[Cruiser Elite]

Jeez I have such a badly swollen eye today:



I was sittin' chattin to the Ette last night - she mentioned she would love to go somewhere different for our holiday this year - I suggested she try the kitchen!

Doctor said swelling should be down in a day or so.

 

[Boca68]

Jeez I have such a badly swollen eye today:

View attachment 94450

I was sittin' chattin to the Ette last night - she mentioned she would love to go somewhere different for our holiday this year - I suggested she try the kitchen!

Doctor said swelling should be down in a day or so.

It vaguely resembles one Mr. T Abbott.... if you discount the earring.

 

[Skyring]

It vaguely resembles one Mr. T Abbott.... if you discount the earring.

I saw Tony yesterday. No swelling.

He rides to work. Bloody powered straight up the slope to Parliament House. Fit bugger.

 

[whatmeworry]

Dad of the year.

 

[clazman]

I have to type a message as well to post

 

[Hvr]

This is the same as my life.

 

[whatmeworry]

QLD Cyclones.

 

[love_the_life]

Especially for Blackcat, who is having trouble with the work kitchen:
https://brightside.me/wonder-people...m=fb_organic&utm_campaign=fb_gr_enjoy_science

 

[Ikara]

I think this sums up the state of Australia today very concisely.

 

[whatmeworry]

Oh fat Tony.

 

[Maca44]

Children are sexually transmitted

 

[TiredOldFlyer]

NEWS FLASH :
-It has recently been announced that all new generation Airbus aircraft are to be retrofitted with a large red button in the middle of the forward instrument panel.

This button is to be named "The Boeing Button" In the future, when an Airbus fails to respond to normal input and the pilots lose control, the pilots are to push "The Boeing Button."


This action will have the follow effects;



1. Two normal aircraft control yokes will rise from the floor and take over control from the dopey side-sticks installed by Airbus.



2. Design philosophy will automatically change from “The Airbus flies the pilot” to “The pilot flies the aircraft.”



3. All Airbus Laws, such as Normal Law, Alternate Law etc etc will revert to what has been in use for 100 years, i.e. “Pull back to go up”, "Push forward to go down."



4. The throttles will move corresponding to power output. All the way forward gives full power, and all the way back is idle thrust.





The aircraft then can be safely flown without a constant battle for control with onboard computers. After landing, it can be put up for sale, or scrapped. Funds thereby realized may then be used to purchase a real pilot’s aircraft, any Boeing model.
















​

 

[straitman]

If you’ve ever had a boss that speaks first and thinks later, you’re going to love this joke!

A company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall and idly picking his teeth. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.

He asked the guy, “How much money do you make a week?”

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, “I make $400 a week. Why?”

The CEO said, ”Wait right here.”

He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, “Here’s four weeks’ pay. Now GET OUT and don’t come back.”

Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked,

“Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?”

From across the room a voice said, “Sure – he was the Pizza delivery guy from Domino’s and was just waiting to collect the money!”


​

Sound like anyone you know?