A bit of humour

[Hvr]

Today some one threw a bottle of omega 3 at me and it hit me.

Fortunately, the injuries were super fish oil.

______________________________________________



What did the egg say to the pot of boiling water?

It's gonna take a while to get hard, I just got laid this morning.

 

[cove]

A Southwest Airline story
The little boy had been looking out the window.
He turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The mother couldn't think of an answer. She told her son to ask the flight attendant.
So the boy went down the aisle and asked the flight attendant "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The busy flight attendant smiled and asked the boy "Did your mother tell you to ask me that?"
The boy replied "Yes she did "
"Well" said the flight attendant "You tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your mother explain that to you".

 

[straitman]

[TABLE="width: 100%"][TR][TD]

She's single
She's shapely
She's beautiful and she lives right across the street.
I can see her place from my kitchen window.

I watched as she got home from work this evening.

I was surprised when she walked across the street, up my driveway and knocked on the door.

I opened the door, she looked at me and said, "I just got home, and I have this strong urge to have a good time, dance, get drunk, and have sex tonight. Are you doing anything?"

I quickly replied, "Nope, I'm free!"

"Great," she said. "Can you watch my dog?"​

Being a senior citizen can be really miserable!​

[/TD][/TR][/TABLE]​

​

​

 

[whatmeworry]

NT news on a possible cyclone.

 

[JessicaTam]

[mod hat]
Whilst this thread enjoys a fair bit of leeway when it comes to language, there are limits.

Some recent posts have been deleted because those limits were crossed.
[/mod hat]

 

[whatmeworry]

In cinemas now.

 

[straitman]

A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman perked up and said, “How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!”

“What a coincidence,” the farmer said. “This is a special day for me; I am celebrating.”

“This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,” said the woman.

“What a coincidence!” said the farmer. As they clinked glasses, he added, “What are you celebrating?”

“My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!”

“What a coincidence!” said the man. “I’m a chicken farmer, and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.”

“That’s great!” said the woman, “How did your chickens become fertile?”

“I used a different rooster,” he replied.

The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said, “What a coincidence!”

 

[Skyring]

[FONT=&quot]I went into a bar and asked for a bag of helicopter chips. The bartender looked at me scornfully, “Sorry, mate, we only do plain.”[/FONT]

 

[Cossie]

Could put this in a lot of threads, sorry if it has appeared elsewhere.




https://www.motormag.com.au/news/1703/porsche-to-supply-supercars-saftey-car

 

[straitman]

"A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place.

The farmer had genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic relationship. All to no avail though, as she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted advice, and generally making life unbearable for the farmer and his new bride.

While they were walking through the barn, during the forced inspection, the farmer’s mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly. It was a shock to all no matter their feelings toward her demanding ways.

At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, however, he would shake his head no, and mumble a reply.

Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about.

The farmer replied, “The women would say, ‘What a terrible tragedy,’ and I would nod my head and say ‘Yes, it was.’

The men would ask, ‘Can I borrow that mule?’ and I would shake my head and say, ‘Can’t, it’s all booked up for a year.’”


​

 

[Major]

IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT !!!!


Tea is more dangerous than beer.

Please avoid drinking tea.

I discovered this last night, I had 14 beers till 3am at the pub with some friends
While my wife was just drinking tea at home.

You should have seen how violent and angry she was when I got home.

I was peaceful, silent and headed to bed as she shouted at me...
All night and even into the next morning.

Please ladies, if you can't handle your tea, don't drink it...

 

[Bundy Bear]

Sounds about right

 

[straitman]

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn’t bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I’ve farted at least 20 times since I’ve been here in your office. You didn’t know I was farting because they didn’t smell and are silent.”

The doctor says, “I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week.”

The next week the lady goes back, “Doctor,” she says, “I don’t know what the heck you gave me, but now my farts…although still silent they stink terribly.”

“Good”, the doctor said, “Now that we’ve cleared up your sinuses, let’s work on your hearing.”

 

[amaroo]

<filler....>

 

[straitman]

An oldie but a goodie.

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom:

“Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight number 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax… OH, MY GOD!”

Silence followed and, after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, “Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!”

A passenger in business class yelled back, “That’s nothing. You should see the back of mine!”


​

 

[Bundy Bear]

Men of AFF take note.

 

[drron]

Several have worked that out-
[video=youtube_share;kTDvCLAT8hg]https://youtu.be/kTDvCLAT8hg[/video]

 

[straitman]

We were dressed and ready to go out for a Dinner & Theatre evening.

We turned on a 'night light', turned the answering machine on, covered our pet budgie and put the cat in the backyard.

We phoned the local Taxi company and requested a taxi.

The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house

As we walked out the door, the cat we had put out in the yard scooted back into the house.

We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to get at the budgie.

My wife walked on out to the taxi, while I went back inside to get the cat.

The cat ran upstairs, with me in hot pursuit.

Waiting in the cab, my wife didn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explained to the taxi driver that I would be out soon."He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother."

A few minutes later, I got into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," I said, as we drove away.

"That stupid cough was hiding under the bed.

I had to poke her cough with a coat hanger to get her to come out!

She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck.

Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked!

I hauled her fat cough downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!

. .............She'd better not cough in the vegetable garden again!"

The silence in the Taxi was deafening

 

[Ikara]

In light of the news of the so called human cloning going on, we have to ask ourselves the hypothetical question:
If you were to push your naked clone off the top of a tall building, would it be:

A) murder,

B) suicide, or

C) merely making an obscene clone fall?



JB

 

[Deleted member]

Dear Dorothy Dix,
My husband is a liar and a cheat.
He has cheated on me from the beginning, and, when I confront him, he denies everything.
What's worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating.
Also, since he lost his job 14 years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one.
All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and shoot the bull with his buddies, while I have to work to pay the bills.
Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me, and even hints that I may be a lesbian.
What should I do?
Signed: Clueless

Dear Clueless:
Grow up and dump him.
Good grief woman!
You don't need him anymore!
You're running for President of the United States.
Act like one.