A bit of humour

[Boca68]

For the physicists...

View attachment 89802

If you square capitalism, do you get hyper-inflation? Therefore exclusion, is multiplied by a factor of 'X'

Oh my! Where to put the 'X'? My theory.... the Daleks will takeover! Build lots of stairs people!

One for the mathematicians or the economists, right. They watch Dr. Who, right?

 

[drron]

[video=youtube_share;8e_pIHiFPd4]https://youtu.be/8e_pIHiFPd4[/video]

 

[drron]

 

[Hvr]

I let a pasta chef borrow my car, and he returned it all denty.

No matter how kind you are, German children are kinder.

 

[whatmeworry]

Shorten challenges Turnbull to a fight in the Maccas carpack.

Turnbull and Shorten to settle differences in Maccas carpark | The Chaser

 

[codash1099]

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[Rugby]

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[mrs.dr.ron]

Obama, Hillary and Trump are standing at the throne of heaven. God looks at them and says, "Before granting you a place at my side, I must ask you what you have learned, what you believe in."

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God asks Obama first: “What do you believe?"
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He thinks long and hard, looks God in the eye, and says, "I believe in hard work, and in staying true to family and friends. I believe in giving. I was lucky, but I always tried to do right by my countrymen".
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God can’t help but see the essential goodness of Obama , and offers him a seat to his left.
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Then God turns to Hillary and says, "What do you believe?"
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Hillary says, "I believe passion, discipline, courage and honor are the fundamentals of life. Like Obama I believe in hard work. I, too, have been lucky, but win or lose, I've always tried to be a true patriot and a loyal American."
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God is greatly moved by Hillary's high-pitched eloquence, and he offers her a seat to his right.
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Finally, God turns to Trump and says, "And you, Donald, what do you believe?"
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Trump replies, "I believe you're in my seat."
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[oz_mark]

. . . . . . .

 

[straitman]

MURPHY'S OTHER 15 LAWS:

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

3. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

8. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, someone from California would be stupid enough to try to pass them.

10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

11. The things that come to those who wait, may be the things left by those who got there first.

12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

13. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

14 . God gave you toes as a device for finding furniture in the dark.

15. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people, who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.


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[straitman]

Church should be a place for worship and community, but some followers miss that point and find a way to draw more attention to themselves.

Debbie, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church’s morals, kept sticking her nose into other people’s business. Several members did not approve of her extra-curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused Bill, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town’s only bar one afternoon.

She emphatically told Bill and several others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing. Bill, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn’t explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.

Later that evening, Bill quietly parked his pickup in front of Debbie’s house…………. and left it there all night.

You gotta love Bill!
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[straitman]

An oldie but a goody.

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After the mass, he asked the Monsignor how he had done. The Monsignor replied, “When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.”

Next Sunday the new priest decided to take the monsignor’s advice. At the beginning, he felt nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon returning to his office, he found a note on the door that said:

– Sip on the vodka, don’t gulp.

– There are 10 commandments, not 12.

– There are 12 disciples, not 10.

– Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

– Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not “Bet his cough.”

– We do not refer to Jesus Christ as “the late J.C.”

– We do not refer to the cross as the “Big T.”

– The Father, Son and Holy Ghost are not referred to as “Daddy, Junior and the Spook.”

– David slew Goliath, he did not “Kick the cough out of him.”

– When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, we do not say that he was “Stoned off his cough.”

 

[straitman]

An air traffic control tower suddenly lost communication with a small twin engine aircraft. A moment later the tower landline rang and was answered by one of the employees.

The passenger riding with the pilot who lost communications was on a cellular phone. He yelled, “Mayday, mayday!! The pilot had an instant and fatal heart attack. I grabbed his cell phone out of his pocket and he had told me before we took off he had the tower on his speed dial memory.

I am flying upside down at 18,000 feet and traveling at 180 mph. Mayday, mayday!!”

The employee in the tower immediately put him on speaker phone.

“Calm down, we acknowledge you and we’ll guide you down after a few
questions. The first thing is not to panic, remain calm!”

He then began his series of questions:
Tower: “How do you know you are traveling at 18,000 feet??”

Aircraft: “I can see that it reads 18,000 feet on the Altimeter dial in front of me.”
Tower: “Okay, that’s good, remain calm. How do you know you’re
traveling at 180 mph?”

Aircraft: “I can see that it reads 180 mph on the Airspeed dial in front of me.”
Tower: “Okay, this is great so far, but it’s heavily overcast, so how do you know you’re flying upside down?”

Aircraft: “The **** in my pants is running out of my shirt collar.”


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[whatmeworry]

Jim Jefferies -- Airplane Etiquette

[video=youtube;qFx1Cpxpx1E]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qFx1Cpxpx1E[/video]

 

[drron]

Probably should in the grammar thread but there is profanity.Sometimes reality is humourous-

[video=youtube_share;5JfFJ7R8pDs]https://youtu.be/5JfFJ7R8pDs[/video]

 

[clazman]

An air traffic control tower suddenly lost communication with a small twin engine aircraft. A moment later the tower landline rang and was answered by one of the employees.

The passenger riding with the pilot who lost communications was on a cellular phone. He yelled, “Mayday, mayday!! The pilot had an instant and fatal heart attack. I grabbed his cell phone out of his pocket and he had told me before we took off he had the tower on his speed dial memory.

I am flying upside down at 18,000 feet and traveling at 180 mph. Mayday, mayday!!”

The employee in the tower immediately put him on speaker phone.

“Calm down, we acknowledge you and we’ll guide you down after a few
questions. The first thing is not to panic, remain calm!”

He then began his series of questions:
Tower: “How do you know you are traveling at 18,000 feet??”

Aircraft: “I can see that it reads 18,000 feet on the Altimeter dial in front of me.”
Tower: “Okay, that’s good, remain calm. How do you know you’re
traveling at 180 mph?”

Aircraft: “I can see that it reads 180 mph on the Airspeed dial in front of me.”
Tower: “Okay, this is great so far, but it’s heavily overcast, so how do you know you’re flying upside down?”

Aircraft: “The **** in my pants is running out of my shirt collar.”


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Harrison Ford flight?

 

[straitman]

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, “Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.”

“I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,” says Grandpa. “How about a demonstration?”

The auditor thinks for a moment and says, “OK. Go ahead.”

Grandpa says, “I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.”

The auditor thinks a moment and says, “It’s a bet.”

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops.

Grandpa says, “Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.”

The auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa’s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

“Want to go double or nothing?” Grandpa asks. “I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.”

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again. Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor’s desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa’s attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

“Are you OK?” the auditor asks.

“Not really,” says the attorney. “This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it.”

 

[straitman]

A young woman had a flat tire on the interstate.

She eased her car over to the shoulder of the road carefully, got out of the car and opened the trunk.

She took out two cardboard women, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of her car facing oncoming traffic. They looked so lifelike you wouldn’t believe it! They were in trench coats exposing their nude bodies to the approaching drivers.

As she expected, cars started slowing down looking at her lifelike ladies. And of course, traffic started backing up. Everybody was tooting horns and waving like crazy.

It wasn’t long before a state trooper pulled up behind her. He got out of his car and started walking toward her. He was definitely not happy.

“What’s going on here?” he asked.

“My car has a flat tire,” the woman said calmly.

“Well, what the hell are those obscene cardboard women doing here by the road?”

The lady looked flabbergasted that he didn’t know.

“Hellooooo, those are my emergency flashers!”

 

[get me outta here]

Except the description of "Excerpted from", it is a 'like' from me.

Probably should in the grammar thread but there is profanity.Sometimes reality is humourous-

[video=youtube_share;5JfFJ7R8pDs]https://youtu.be/5JfFJ7R8pDs[/video]

 

[Cruiser Elite]

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