A bit of humour

That’s a lesson she won’t forget!

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.
There were all the regular types of stuff: Spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Janie was left.

“Janie, do you have a story to share?”

“Yes, ma’am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy.

“She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn’t break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops.

She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.”

”Good Heavens,” said the horrified teacher. “What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?”

“Don’t mess with Mommy when she’s been drinking.”


It’s a lesson Daddy will never forget either!
 
I like this one from here:

Punchlines: April 14, 2017, Cartoons News & Top Stories - The Straits Times


st_20170414_14toon_30761332.jpg
 
UNITED LAUNCHES NEW DRAG ON/DRAG OFF SEATING

US airline giant United launched an innovative new seating class
today, which will see customers dragged to and from their seats for a
modest extra fee.

The ‘Drag-on/Drag-off’ fares will be targeted at those who simply
can’t be bothered to walk to their seat, as well as business people
who want to spend more time on their phone or laptop while moving down
the aisle.

Photo: supplied.

“It’s a whole new way of looking at airline service,” United
CEO Oscar Munox said.

“While some people will want to continue with the traditional mode
of walking to their own seat, we think a lot of customers will
appreciate the convenience of being physically removed from a flight
at the end of a busy day”.

Customers will be able to purchase the service – which will cost
around $800 – when they book online.

Munoz said there will be an extra surcharge for those at the back of
the plane. “It’s what we call a long-haul.”

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This is a genuine ad from 1964 when WD-40 was first released. With the dirty and PC minds we all have today, can you imagine the public reaction today?! Their ad department sure had a way with words!

WD40.jpg
 
My favourite medical one goes like this:

The Night Nurse

A very tired nurse walks into a bank totally exhausted after a very long shift.
Preparing to write a cheque , she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it. When she realises her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller,
and without missing a beat, she says:
Well that's great......................some coughhole's got my pen!

I found this in my business paper tidy up today from 2015.
 
That's the last time we repost anything from my 86 year old American friend, straitman. Of course he still thinks about sex all the time because he still thinks he is a young man.
Oh no it may be a fake but it was funny when I first saw it.
I hope the night nurse isn't a fake as well.
 
New United Airlines Mottos:

“Drag and Drop”


“We put the hospital in hospitality”


“Board as a doctor, leave as a patient”


“Our prices can’t be beaten, but our passengers can”


“We have First Class, Business Class and No Class”


“Not enough seating, prepare for a beating”


“We treat you like we treat your luggage”


“We beat the customer. Not the competition”


“And you thought leg room was an issue”


“Where voluntary is mandatory”


“Fight or flight. We decide”


“Now offering one free carry off”


“Beating random customers since 2017”


“If our staff needs a seat, we’ll drag you out by your feet”

“A bloody good airline”
 
Absolutely devastated.
A very sad day today. After 7 years of medical training and hard work, a very good friend of mine has been struck off after one minor indiscretion.
He slept with one of his patients (they were good friends) and can now no longer work in the profession he loves. What a waste of time, effort, training and money.
A genuinely nice guy and a brilliant vet.
 
Absolutely devastated.
A very sad day today. After 7 years of medical training and hard work, a very good friend of mine has been struck off after one minor indiscretion.
He slept with one of his patients (they were good friends) and can now no longer work in the profession he loves. What a waste of time, effort, training and money.
A genuinely nice guy and a brilliant vet.
That was lucky, I thought you were going to say undertaker. :oops:
 
That's the last time we repost anything from my 86 year old American friend straitman. Of course he still thinks about sex all the time because he still thinks he is a young man.
Oh no it may be a fake but it was funny when I first saw it.
I hope the night nurse isn't a fake as well.

Whilst you've got the age correct I'm fairly sure that straitman is Australian. :p
 
New Australian visa laws.

Tough new visa laws announced this week will require would-be Australians to put away a 375mL tin of Victoria Bitter in under 30 seconds, while wearing an old singlet they picked up in Bali.

Asked by a journalist what "shotgunning" meant, Mr Turnbull replied: “Well, that’s the problem we have isn’t it – an ignorance or an unwillingness to understand our values. That’s why we need to have this test”.
He said the cabinet had considered introducing a range of measures, including strawpedio-ing a Woodstock and Coke or setting up an offshore account in the Caymans, but in the end felt that VB test was the easiest to administer.


Former Prime Minister Bob Hawke said he didn’t think the measures went far enough.

New visa test to require immigrants to shotgun a VB while wearing a Bintang singlet
 
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