A bit of humour

[anat0l]

Re: Back to the humour

Though not necessarily statistically accurate there seems to be a higher than average issue of bowel cancer among the Pilot fraternity.

Better than the not necessarily statistically accurate but seemingly higher than average issue of heart attack among the surgeons' fraternity.


Anyway...

Airplane maintenance

"Squawks" are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews to fix before the next flight. Here are some squawks submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews.

(P) = Problem (S) = Solution

--------------------

(P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement

(S) Almost replaced left inside main tire

--------------------

(P) Test flight OK, except autoland very rough

(S) Autoland not installed on this aircraft

--------------------

(P) #2 Propeller seeping prop fluid

(S) #2 Propeller seepage normal - #1 #3 and #4 propellers lack normal seepage

--------------------

(P) Something loose in coughpit

(S) Something tightened in coughpit

--------------------

(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear

(S) Evidence removed

--------------------

(P) DME volume unbelievably loud

(S) Volume set to more believable level

--------------------

(P) Dead bugs on windshield

(S) Live bugs on order

--------------------

(P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent

(S) Cannot reproduce problem on ground

--------------------

(P) IFF inoperative

(S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode (IFF-Identification Friend or Foe)

--------------------

(P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick

(S) That's what they're there for

--------------------

(P) Number three engine missing

(S) Engine found on right wing after brief search

--------------------

(P) Aircraft handles funny

(S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right" and be serious

--------------------

(P) Target Radar hums

(S) Reprogrammed Target Radar with the lyrics

 

[codash1099]

Re: For those of you who have never had one, and for those of us who can relate to th

Though not necessarily statistically accurate there seems to be a higher than average issue of bowel cancer among the Pilot fraternity.

An argument based on statistics is like a woman wearing a bikini... what it reveals is interesting , what it hides is vital.

47% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

 

[Alanslegal]

CHINESE SICK LEAVE : I NO COME WORK TODAY!!!

Hung Chow calls into work and says, 'Hey, I no come work today, I really sick . Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work.'

The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work.. You try that.'

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon.........You got nice house'.

 

[codash1099]

A few (reportedly real) Air Traffic Control exchanges:

Light aircraft pilot asked Heathrow for the current cloudbase over Bristol. London relayed the question to an Air France flight near Bristol and got the reply:
"Ve are at fifteen thousand, in and out the bottom."
Anonymous voice on frequency: "Vive le sport!"

Lufhansa Pilot to co-pilot, forgetting that the frequency was open: "We used to come up the Thames, and turn over here for the docks...."
Voice on frequency: "ACHTUNG SPITFEUR"

Novice female military controller to US bomber leaving radar coverage, forgetting the correct terminology... "You are entering my dark area"
USB: "WHOOPEE!"

Tower Controller: "BA356, proceed to stand 69"
BA: "Yes, Sir, Nose in or Nose out?"

"Mumbai, what number am I in the landing sequence?"
"By the time you land, sir, you will be number one."

A near miss occurred outside of Dulles International. The conversation went along these lines...
Pilot: "DAMN! That was close..."
IAD Tower: "Delta 560, what seems to be the problem?"
Pilot (catching his breath), "Near miss- was he ever close!"
IAD Tower: "Delta 560, how close was it?"
Pilot: "Well, I can tell you one thing, it was a white boy flying it."

 

[Alanslegal]

Stevie Wonder is playing his 1st gig in China and the place is packed to
the rafters. In a bid to break the ice he asks if anyone has a request.

One chap jumps out of his seat in the 1st row and shouts at the top of
his voice "Play a jazz chord ! Play a jazz chord!"

Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's career,
the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into
a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes. When he finishes the whole
place goes wild.

The same chap jumps out of his seat again and shouts - "No, no, play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord...".

A bit cheesed off by this, Stevie, being the professional he is, dives
straight in to a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat
minor chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd go ballistic
with this impromptu show of his musical expertise.

But, still the little Chinese man jumps up again and shouts "No, no. Play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord!!!". Stevie is really annoyed now that this chap doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability and shouts to him from the stage - " OK smart cough, you get up here and do it"..

The little bloke climbs onto the stage, takes hold of the mike and
starts to sing............

"a jazz chord to say , I ruv you...."

 

[Flashback]

Heard that one before, cracked up the first time I read it and each subsequent time :mrgreen:

 

[Alanslegal]

News from the Business World

1. The US has made a new weapon that destroys people but keeps the building standing…….Its called the stock market.

2. Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are?
Wall Street is now being called Wal-Mart Street.

3. The difference between a pigeon and an investment banker?
The pigeon can still make a deposit on a new car.

4. What's the difference between a guy who lost everything in Las Vegas and an investment banker?
A tie!

5. The problem with investment bank balance sheet is that
on the left side nothing's right and on the right side nothing's left.

6. I want to warn people from Nigeria, if you get any emails from Washington asking for money.......It's a scam.. Don't fall for it.

7. What worries me most about the credit crunch, is that if one of my checks is returned stamped 'insufficient funds'……I won't know whether that refers to mine or the bank's.

 

[drron]

News from the business world continued
8.Today the Wall Street opening bell has been replaced by an air raid siren.

 

[Alanslegal]

The Emu...

An Aussie truckie walks into an outback cafe' with a full-grown emu behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.

The truckie says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?' 'I'll have the same,' says the emu.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke.' The emu says, 'I'll have the same.'

Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change..

This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.

'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man. 'Same,' says the emu.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, mate, how do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?'

'Well,love' says the truckie, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man.
The waitress asks, 'What's with the bloody emu?'

The truckie sighs, pauses, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick with a big cough and long legs, who agrees with everything I say.' ​

 

[Alanslegal]

A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.

While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she
asked "Is my time up?"

God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to
Live.”

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a
face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had
someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth! Since she
had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of
it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing
the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had
another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the
ambulance?”

God replied: "I didn't bloody recognize you."

 

[codash1099]

MessageTHE GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa , half discovered,
half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful!

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe , well developed and
open to trade, especially for someone with cash.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain , very hot, relaxed and
convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece , gently aging but still
a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain , with a glorious
and all conquering past.

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel , has been through war
and doesn't make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada , self-preserving but
open to meeting new people.

After 70, she becomes like Tibet , wildly beautiful, with a
mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages...only those with an
adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge visit there.

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

Between 1 and 90, a man is like Iran, ruled by nuts....

 

[Alanslegal]

50,000 Kiwis meet in EdenPark for a "Kiwis Are Not Stupid" Convention.

Helen Clark says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that Kiwis
are not stupid. Ken I hev a volunteer?"

Carlos Spencer gingerly works his way through the crowd and steps up to the
stage. Helen asks him, "What uz fufteen plus fufteen?"

After fufteen or twinty seconds Carlos says, "Eighteen!"

Obviously everyone is a little disappointed.

Then all 50,000 Kiwis start chanting, "GUV HUM ANOTHER CHANCE! GUV HUM
ANOTHER CHANCE!"

Helen says, "Well, sunce we've gone to the trouble of gitting 50,000 of you
un one place, end we have the world-wide priss end global broadcast media
here, I thunk we ken guv hum another chance."

So she asks, "What uz sivven plus sivven?"

After nearly suxty seconds he eventually says, "Ninety!"

Helen is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh -
everyone is disheartened.

Carlos starts crying and the 50,000 Kiwis begin to yell and wave their hands
shouting, "GUV HUM ANOTHER CHANCE! GUV HUM ANOTHER CHANCE!"

Helen, unsure whether or not she is doing more harm than damage, eventually
says, "Ok! Ok! Just one more chance. Carlos, whut uz two plus two?"

Carlos closes his eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four!"

Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 50,000 Kiwis jump to
their feet, wave their arms, stamp their feet and scream...

"GUV HUM ANOTHER CHANCE! GUV HUM ANOTHER CHANCE!"

 

[straitman]

((((RING RING))))
**Pick Up**
"Hello?"
"Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mummy near the phone?"
"No Daddy, She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul "
After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an
Uncle Paul "
"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mummy, right now"
***Brief Pause***
"Uh, okay then, ...this is what I want you to do. Put the phonedown
on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout
to Mummy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway"
"Okay Daddy, just a minute"
A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT] "I did it Daddy"
"And what happened honey?" he asked
"Well, Mummy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on
and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on
the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"
"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul ?"
"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all
scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I
guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it.
He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead"
***Long Pause***
***Longer Pause**
Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool??"... Is this 8486-5731 ??

 

[straitman]

Gentle Thoughts for Today--

Birds of a feather flock together and cough on your car.

When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement .

Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are ' XL.'

The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.

Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells 'Theirs.'

Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know 'why' I look this way.

I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, it's called golf

[FONT=&quot]Lord,Keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth..AMEN..!!

[/FONT]

 

[straitman]

Choosing a wife.

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.


The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.


The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.


The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.


Then.........

he married the one with the biggest breasts.


Men are like that, you know.

There is more money being spent on breast implants and cough today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky coughs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

 

[codash1099]

A new monk arrives at the monastery.

He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He notices, however, that they are copying from copies, not the original manuscripts. So, the new monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this, pointing out that if there were an error in the first copy, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The Abbot says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but it's a good point, my son."

So, he goes down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original.

Hours go by and nobody sees him. So, one of the monks goes downstairs to look for him. Hearing sobbing coming from the back of the cellar, he finds the old monk leaning over one of the original books crying.

He asks the old monk what's wrong, and in a choked voice came the reply, "The word is celebrate."

 

[codash1099]

As we all know, it takes 1 calorie to heat 1 gram of water 1 degree centigrade. Translated into meaningful terms, this means that if you eat a very cold dessert (generally consisting of water in large part), the natural processes which raise the consumed dessert to body temperature during the digestive cycle literally sucks the calories out of the only available source, your body fat.

For example, a dessert served and eaten at near 0 degrees C (32.2 degrees F) will, in a short time, be raised to the normal body temperature of 37 degrees C (98.6 degrees F). For each gram of dessert eaten, that process takes approximately 37 calories as stated above. The average dessert portion is 6 oz, or 168 grams. Therefore, by operation of thermodynamic law, 6,216 calories (1 cal./gm/deg. x 37 deg. x 168 g) are extracted from body fat as the dessert's temperature is normalized.

Allowing for the 1,200 latent calories in the dessert, the net calorie loss is approximately 5,000 calories. Obviously, the more cold dessert you eat, the better off you are and the faster you will lose weight, if that is your goal.

This process works equally well when drinking very cold beer in frosted glasses. Each ounce of beer contains 16 latent calories, but extracts 1,036 calories (6,216 cal. per 6 oz. portion) in the temperature normalizing process. Thus, the net calorie loss per ounce of beer is 1,020 calories. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to calculate that 12,240 calories (12 oz. x 1,020 cal./oz.) are extracted from the body in the process of drinking a can of beer.

Frozen desserts, e.g., ice cream, are even more beneficial, since it takes 83 cal./gm to melt them (i.e., raise them to 0 deg. C) and an additional 37 cal./gm to further raise them to body temperature.

The results here are really remarkable, and it beats running hands down.

Unfortunately, for those who eat pizza as an excuse to drink beer, pizza (loaded with latent calories and served above body temperature) induces an opposite effect. But, thankfully, as the astute reader should have already reasoned, the obvious solution is to drink a lot of beer with pizza and follow up immediately with large bowls of ice cream.

 

[codash1099]

It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

One human hair can support 3 kg (6.6 lb).

The average man's cough is three times the length of his thumb.

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

Women blink twice as often as men.

The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

Women reading this will be finished now.

Men are still busy checking their thumbs.

 

[Hvr]

Stevie Wonder is playing his 1st gig in China and the place is packed to
the rafters. In a bid to break the ice he asks if anyone has a request.

One chap jumps out of his seat in the 1st row and shouts at the top of
his voice "Play a jazz chord ! Play a jazz chord!"

Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's career,
the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into
a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes. When he finishes the whole
place goes wild.

The same chap jumps out of his seat again and shouts - "No, no, play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord...".

A bit cheesed off by this, Stevie, being the professional he is, dives
straight in to a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat
minor chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd go ballistic
with this impromptu show of his musical expertise.

But, still the little Chinese man jumps up again and shouts "No, no. Play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord!!!". Stevie is really annoyed now that this chap doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability and shouts to him from the stage - " OK smart cough, you get up here and do it"..

The little bloke climbs onto the stage, takes hold of the mike and
starts to sing............

"a jazz chord to say , I ruv you...."

Cliff Richard was anxious to avoid the problems his mate Stevie faced in China so he went to Japan for his last ever retirement world tour, and is on stage in Tokyo. After belting out the tunes for a couple of hours to rapturous applause, he addresses the audience.

"Well, hiya folks. I, erm.. well I never usually do this, but as this is a special occasion, I am willing to take requests from you, my very special fans!"

The crowd erupt in excitement, and begin to shout out their song requests .

"cough and fanny" they chant.

Cliff, shocked by what he hears, asks the audience. "Look, I'm sorry but I don't think I should sing something as inappropriate as that... how about something else, maybe Devil Woman?"

"cough AND FANNY" the audience respond.

"Right, ladies and gentlemen", Cliff says. "I am a devout Christian, and I would never use those words in one of my many hits. I don't understand what you want... maybe Summer Holiday?"

"cough AND FANNY!!!" they cheer louder.

Cliff, completely embarrassed but ever the professional, faces the screaming thousands of Japanese fans, and says to them, "Okay then. Maybe if you guys and gals sing the opening line, and then we'll take it away from there. Deal?"

So Cliff counts the audience in, "1... 2... 3..."

"cough AND FANNY,
HOW WE DON'T TAAAAALK ANY MORE....!"

 

[oz_mark]

"cough AND FANNY,
HOW WE DON'T TAAAAALK ANY MORE....!"

This all reminds me of Ken Lee