A bit of humour

[tdimdad]

From Seat belt check…

 

[oz_mark]

I just saw a cashier scan the eyes of a rude customer with her barcode reader.

The look on his face was priceless.

 

[VPS]

Taken from Twitter

 

[buenavides1]

I saw this on Facebook a while ago

 

[Major]

 

[Bundy Bear]

Haha

 

[Major]

 

[Bundy Bear]

And one more, actually agree with.

 

[Major]

 

[Major]

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic's shop to have his truck fixed.

They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?

The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot'

The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'

'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.'

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'

The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'

The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.’

 

[VPS]

Anybody about to go the optician

 

[get me outta here]

Free? I usually pay hundreds for this, but at least get a free sambo afterwards with my photos.

Anybody about to go the optician

View attachment 169599

 

[p--and--t]

IRISH COMPASSION

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs.

Three women, from England, Scotland and Ireland, were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.

The English woman said 'Have you ever had a hug?' The man said 'No' so she gave him a hug and walked on.

The Scottish woman said, 'Have you ever had a kiss?' The man said, 'No,' so she gave him a kiss and walked on.

The Irish woman came to him and said, 'ave ya ever been fooked lad?'

The man broke into a big smile and said, no.

She said, 'Aye - Ya will be when the tide comes in'.

 

[JessicaTam]

This week's Aldi catalogue has rubbish bins for sale. I kid you not, but under the photo is "Contents not included"

 

[Flashback]

Tiger Woods and Stevie Wonder are in a bar.
Tiger turns to Stevie and says, "How's the singing career going?
Stevie replies, "Not too bad. How's the golf?"
Woods replies, "Not too bad. I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that right now."
Stevie: "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then the next time I play, it seems to be all right."
Surprised, Tiger says, "You play GOLF?!!"
Yes, I've been playing for years." "But -- you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?"
"Well, I get my caddie to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddie moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice."
"But, how do you putt?" asks Tiger.
"Well", says Stevie, "I get my caddie to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice."
Tiger: "What's your handicap?"
Stevie: "Well, actually -- I'm a scratch golfer."
Woods: incredulous - says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime."
"Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money. And I never play for less than $10,000 a hole. Is that a problem?"
Woods thinks about it and says, "I can afford that. OK - I'm game for that. $10,000 a hole is fine with me. When would you like to play?"

Stevie: "You pick a night."

 

[Hvr]

Once you've read the dictionary everything else is a remix.

 

[oz_mark]

My wife asked me to stop singing I'm A Believer because it's annoying. I thought she was joking.

And then I saw her face...

 

[oz_mark]

The Grim Reaper visited last night, but I beat him off with my vacuum cleaner.

Talk about Dyson with death.

 

[Bundy Bear]

The Grim Reaper visited last night, but I beat him off with my vacuum cleaner.

Talk about Dyson with death.

Have you been taking lessons from HVR.

 

[p--and--t]

Ads from a different era................