A bit of humour

[p--and--t]

 

[p--and--t]

Looking at these ads from an earlier time makes me think how just a few years can change perspectives and change the normal/chic/fashionable in hot demand to outdated, unfashionable, less desirable and in sometimes subject to derision...
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Sorry just looked in the mirror, what were we talking about?

 

[Hvr]

My wife gives me 100% sound advice.


99% sound

1% advice.

 

[Hvr]

advertisements removed from quote

The Lux ad at least is fake. It has been around since at least 2014.

Lux Kebab Soap

Caretaking The Internet Since 2007

joannecasey.blogspot.com

 

[drron]

My wife gives me 100% sound advice.


99% sound

1% advice.

Go on Hvr get married and then tell that joke.Double dare you.

 

[p--and--t]

I guess this wasn't at the hilton...

 

[mrs.dr.ron]

You are on a horse galloping at a constant speed.

On your right side is a sharp drop-off.

On your left side is an elephant travelling at the same speed as you.

Directly in front of you is a galloping kangaroo and your horse is unable to overtake it.

Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the kangaroo.

What must you do to get out of this highly dangerous situation?

How do we do this ....











Get off the merry-go-round and go home.
You've had enough wine for one day.

 

[Major]

Nescafe manages to arrange a meeting with the Pope at the Vatican.

After receiving the Papal blessing, the Nescafe official whispers, "Your Holiness, we have an offer for you. Nescafe is prepared to donate $100 million to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily coffee.'"

The Pope responds, "That is impossible. The prayer is the word of the Lord It must not be changed."

"Well," says the Nescafe man, "we anticipated your reluctance. For this reason we will increase our offer to $300 million."
"My son, it is impossible. For the prayer is the word of the Lord, and it must not be changed."

The Nescafe guy says, "Your Holiness, we at Nescafe respect your adherence to the faith, but we do have one final offer...
"We will donate $500 million - that's half a billion dollars - to the great Catholic Church if you would only change the Lord's Prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily coffee.' Please consider it" And he leaves.

The next day the Pope convenes the College of Cardinals.
"There is some good news," he announces, "and some bad news. The good news is that the Church will come into $500 million."
"And the bad news, your Holiness?" asks a Cardinal.

"We're losing the Tip Top Bread account!"


​

 

[drron]

.

 

[Major]

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patty Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"


The bank manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

(You sang it, didn't you? )

 

[Hvr]

I asked my new friend to meet me at the gym. They didn't turn up.

I guess we're not going to work out.

 

[Cossie]

We need a "groan" symbol.

 

[VPS]

We need a "groan" symbol.

Many people have said that (including me) whenever @Hvr tries his attempt at humour

 

[Cossie]

Many people have said that (including me) whenever @Hvr tries his attempt at humour

Humour? Is that what it is?

Only joking, I enjoy all of your contributions Hvr.

 

[codash1099]

 

[codash1099]

 

[Cossie]

Saw this in a secondhand place in Perleberg, Germany, I was tempted to buy it for the novelty value.

 

[Hvr]

A man goes to a $5 lady of the night and he gets crabs.

The next day he goes back to complain.

She says “you only paid $5. What did you expect? Lobster?”

 

[Hvr]

A man is at the funeral of an old friend. He tentatively approaches the deceased's wife and asks whether he can say a word. The widow nods.

The man clears his throat and says, "Plethora".

The widow smiles appreciatively. She says "thank you" .

"That means a lot".

 

[Hvr]

These might get me barred!!

*Two punctuation marks walk into a "bar".

*Hyperbole totally rips into this insane bar and absolutely destroys everything.

*A malapropism walks into a bar, looking for all intensive purposes like a wolf in cheap clothing muttering epitaphs.

*A non-sequitur walks into a bar. In a strong wind even turkeys can fly.

*A mixed metaphor walks into a bar seeing the handwriting on the war but hoping to nip it in the bud.

*A cliche walks into a bar - fresh as a daisy, cute as a button, and sharp as a tack.

*A synonym strolls into a tavern.