A bit of humour

[Hvr]

Why was King Arthur's army too tired to fight?

It had too many sleepless nights.

 

[codash1099]

These might get me barred!!

If only wishing made it so!

 

[mrs.dr.ron]

Oh HVR you bring a smile to my face !


"A day without laughter is a day wasted."
-Charlie Chaplin

 

[cosi]

 

[p--and--t]

These might get me barred!!

*Two punctuation marks walk into a "bar".

*Hyperbole totally rips into this insane bar and absolutely destroys everything.

*A malapropism walks into a bar, looking for all intensive purposes like a wolf in cheap clothing muttering epitaphs.

*A non-sequitur walks into a bar. In a strong wind even turkeys can fly.

*A mixed metaphor walks into a bar seeing the handwriting on the war but hoping to nip it in the bud.

*A cliche walks into a bar - fresh as a daisy, cute as a button, and sharp as a tack.

*A synonym strolls into a tavern.

Is there anyway I can unread this?

 

[love_the_life]

 

[Deleted member]

A man goes to a $5 lady of the night and he gets crabs.

The next day he goes back to complain.

She says “you only paid $5. What did you expect? Lobster?”

Not funny

 

[p--and--t]

Earl and Bubba are quietly sitting in their little boat fishing, chewing tobacco and downing a few beers when Bubba suddenly says "Think I'm gonna divorce the wife - she ain't spoke to me in over two months".

Earl spits out overboard and takes a long, slow sip of beer and says "Better think it over........ya know women like that are hard to find".

 

[Deleted member]

 

[Flashback]

A little boy went up to his father and asked, 'Dad, where did my intelligence come from?'
The father replied, 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.'

'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the Divorce Court judge said, 'and I've decided to give your wife £775 a week.'
'That's very fair, Your Honour.' the husband said. 'And every now and then I'll try to send her a few quid myself.

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to A&E, took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'
'Me neither. Doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on marriage, and family values. Bill said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'
Larry replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?

An old woman goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse she has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.'
The old woman says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife

A woman calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?'
The agent replies, 'Just a minute.' 'Thank you,' the woman says, and hangs up.

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
'How was he killed?' asked one detective. 'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.
'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?' 'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'

A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.
'I'm O.K. but I didn't like the four letter-word the doctor used in surgery,' he answered.
'What did he say?' asked the shocked nurse. ...... 'Oops!'

While shopping for holiday clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.
'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?' 'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get into an all in one.'
He's currently being treated in A&E

 

[mrs.dr.ron]

 

[Flashback]

View attachment 175040

I'd agree with that.

I didn't realise so many AFFers were born in June, though.

 

[Hvr]

What does a painter do when they're cold?

They put on another coat.

 

[Major]

What does a painter do when they're cold?

They put on another coat.

I wish I could brush that away

 

[VPS]

@Hvr and @Major this is a humour thread

 

[p--and--t]

 

[Hvr]

Our mountains aren't just funny,

They're hill areas.

 

[Flashback]

Following one McDonalds burger too many during a state visit in Israel, Trump collapses and dies of a massive heart attack.
The Israeli officials take the body and tell Mike Pence: "You have two burial options."
"The first one, you pay $10,000,000 and we can send the body back to the United States so he can be buried there. "
"Second option, you pay $500,000 and we bury him here in the sacred land of Israel."
After much debate, Pence decides to pay the larger fee and bring back the body.
Surprised, the Israelis ask them why they chose this option.
" Well" said Pence "We believe that at some time in the past you buried someone and he came back after three days" .........

"We're just not willing to take that chance."

 

[codash1099]

 

[Bundy Bear]

Or put it another way check in for regular repairs or part removal.