A bit of humour

A private school had a cleaning problem

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.

That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back.

Finally, the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers, and then there are educators…
 
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How does a farmer find new cows to buy?

He looks though the cattle log. :p


Studies have shown that cows produce more milk when the farmer talks to them.

A case of in one ear and out the udder.


So many people these days are too judgemental.

I can tell just by looking at them.


Went by the market recently to see what they had on sale.
The bloke offered a coffin that was on sale.

I told him, 'that's the last thing I need'.



Comic Sans and Helvetica walk into a bar.

Bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve your type here."
 
After some serious thought today, I have decided to quit my job at the shoe recycling shop.

Lately, I have just found the work too sole destroying.


1591858437542.png
 
Yesterday was not a good day..............I accidentally swallowed a bottle of food colouring.

Doctor said I'll be OK.............but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.

+++++++++++

Went to the library this morning to look for the new book about Pavlov's Dog and Schrödinger's Cat.

The librarian said "It rings a bell, but I'm not sure whether it's in or out."

+++++++++++++

Why do nine ants get to live in an apartment for free?

Because they're not tenants.

+++++++++++++

Astronomers got tired of looking at the moon travelling around the earth for 24 hours so they decided to call it a day.
 
I made a big mistake today & told my suitcases that we're not travelling overseas for at least a year or so because of Covid-19.


........now I'm having to put up with a load of emotional baggage.


++++++++++++++++++++++++

Friend of mine works in a local shop as assistant. This afternoon he fought off an armed robber with a labelling Gun.


.........Police are now looking for a man with a price on his head.

++++++++++++++++++++
So, Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland are to stay at home.

Sounds more like the World cup finals.

++++++++++++++++++++++

Just got a call from a mate of mine who’s a Policeman. Apparently somebody's been running around stealing the wheels off Police Cars.

The Police are working tirelessly to find the culprit.
 
................... I've been thinking lately that the whole Covid-19 thing must be extremely stressful for the Flat Earthers.




..................the fear of social distancing measures could push these people over the edge.

+++++++++++++++


1591860117032.png
 
..........Fella I know went to Court yesterday & was found guilty of using too many commas.



..........the Judge warned him to expect a really long Sentence.


+++++++++++++++++


..........I’m seriously thinking of changing jobs to cleaning mirrors for a living.


..........It’s just something I can see myself doing.
 
A couple of years ago, I was staying at a tiny Spanish hotel when I started to feel ill. Needing a doctor, I rang reception who said they'd get the hotel doctor to visit. TBH I was rather surprised that such a small hotel would have a house doctor; I was just telling the hotel manager this when my room door burst open and in leapt a man yelling
.
.
.
"nobody expects the Spanish Inn physician"

++++++++++++++

Yesterday a coffin at an undertakers suddenly came to life. Very quickly, it felt sick. Watching the news, it because convinced it had contracted COVID-19 from its intended recipient, a Chinese woman from Wuhan who had died of the disease. Yes, I know its implausible, but bear with me; it's worth it in the end (not)!

So off the coffin went to hospital. After the initial shock of seeing a live coffin in A&E, the doctor ran some tests and determined that the coffin did not, in fact, have corona.

"But I've got a fever, a sore throat, I'm coughing and I'm struggling to breathe" said the coffin, "I'm dying Doctor and I've only just come to life".

So the doctor ran some more tests, but still they were inconclusive. The coffin asked the Doctor for his best diagnosis of what the problem might be; "what do you think could be causing these terrible symptoms", it asked.

The doctor fiddled with his stethoscope as he tried to think of a plausible answer. Eventually he answered…….



"SARS cough I guess".
 

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