A bit of humour

[docjames]

If Noah Lived In Australia Today

And the Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In one year, I am going to make it rain and cover the whole earth with water until all flesh is destroyed.
But I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living things on the earth.
Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark."

In a flash of lightening, God delivered the specifications for an Ark.
In fear and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the Ark.

"Remember" said the Lord, "You must complete the Ark and bring everything aboard in one year."

Exactly one year later, fierce storm clouds covered the earth and all the seas of the earth went into a tumult.
The Lord saw Noah was sitting in his front yard weeping.
"Noah," He shouted, "Where is the Ark?"
"Lord, please forgive me!" cried Noah.
"I did my best, but there were big problems.
First, I had to get a permit for construction
and your plans did not comply with the codes.
I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw the plans.
Then I got into a fight with Occupational Health & Safety commission over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system and flotation devices.
Then my neighbour objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to lodge a Rezoning Application with Brisbane City Council & it is now with the Land & Environment Court.

I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Kookaburra.
I finally convinced the Dept of Conservation & Land Management that I needed the wood to save the kookaburras.
However, National Parks & Wildlife won't let me catch any kookaburras, so, no kookaburras.

The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike.
I had to negotiate a settlement with the Dept of Industrial Relations before anyone would pick up a saw or a hammer.
Now I have 16 carpenters on the Ark, but still no kookaburras.

When I started rounding up the other animals, I got sued by RSPCA.
They objected to me only taking two of each kind aboard.
Just when I got the suit dismissed, the EPA notified me that I could not complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood.
They didn't take very kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the universe.
Then the Dept of Land and Water Conservation demanded a map of the proposed new flood plain.
I sent them a complete set of UBDs & Gregory's.
Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission that I am practicing discrimination
by not taking godless, unbelieving people aboard!
The Australian Tax Office has seized my assets, claiming that I'm building the Ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes.

I also have to wait for registration of my ABN for the GST.

I just got a notice from the Waterways Authority that I owe them some kind of user tax and failed to register the Ark as a "recreational water craft."

I also need a Boat Drivers License but they are debating about how to classify the craft.
I am getting continual visits from Green Peace, RSPCA, Work Cover, Sheriff's Office & numerous other government departments.
Finally, the Australian Council for Civil Liberties got the courts to issue an injunction against further construction of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding the earth, it is a religious event and therefore unconstitutional.
I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another 5 or 6 years!" Noah wailed.

The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine and the seas began to calm.
A rainbow arched across the sky.
Noah looked up hopefully.

"You mean you are not going to destroy the earth Lord?"

"No," said the Lord sadly.
"I don't have to.
The Government bureaucracy already has."

 

[straitman]

docjames,

A variation on Post #451.

 

[anat0l]

A Russian and an American are sent to hell. The devil meets them at the entrance and tells them that they have a choice of either American hell or Russian hell.

The devil explains, "In American hell, you can do whatever you like, but you have to eat a bucket of sh** every day. In Russian hell, it's the same, except it's two buckets of sh**."

The American figures the decision is a no-brainer, and goes to American hell. The Russian decides to go to Russian hell.

In a week's time, the two meet together for a chat.

Russian guy: "So, how's things?"
American: "Yeah, pretty good. It's great that I can do whatever I like, but eating a bucket of sh** everyday is absolutely killing me. What about you?"
Russian: "Wonderful! It's just like home. Either the sh** doesn't get delivered, or there aren't enough buckets for everybody."

 

[bambbbam2]

Just got a Christmas card from Tiger Woods..

 

[JohnK]

What do Tiger Woods and baby fur seals have in common?
They both get clubbed by Norwegians.

I know quite a few golfers who would like to have his problems :!:

Where is JohnK ?

I would love to have some of Tiger's money and women problems right now and I am sure some of his golfing ability may also come in handy one day.

 

[codash1099]

You know you're getting old when you can't tell the difference between a heart attack and an cough.

------------
Corollary 1:

And you know you're getting old AND desperate, when you'll risk the first for a chance of a second...

-----
Corollary 2:

And you know you're already too old when you don't care which one you get...

 

[Mr Ed]

As Tigers sponsor says, "Just do it"


Why grown adults would buy equipment on that name is beyond me.

 

[codash1099]

An Irishman's wife calls the doctor, stating that her husband has
taken ill. The doctor asks if she had taken his temperature; she replied that she hadn't but would and then call back.

When she hadn't called within a half hour, the doctor called and
asked her what had happened.

She said, "Well, I didn't have a thermometer, so I put a barometer
on his chest and it said dry, so I gave him a pint and he went
off to work!"

 

[Maca44]

Mick says to Paddy, "Close your curtains the next time your making love to your wife". Paddy asks, "Why"?. Mick replies, "Cos yesterday you were doing her and the whole street was out watching and laughing at you". Paddy says, "Well the joke's on them stupid coughs because I wasn't even home yesterday".

 

[Bundy Bear]

Thought I would add my contribution.


Calling 911


An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: 'They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!' she cried. The dispatcher said, 'Stay calm.. An officer is on the way.' A few minutes later, the officer radios in. 'Disregard.' He says. She got in the back-seat by mistake..'

Don't give up your day job, Bill.

Oh tha's right Yours is now to travel the world with plenty of spare time on your hands :shock: Lucky bugga

He might have the time but then travel isn't free.

Oh and I am so glad a brought a house with air conditioning; actually 4 air conditioners; I am going to need to work twice as hard to pay the power bill.

 

[straitman]

He might have the time but then travel isn't free.

That is why this forum is so good then. Getting the best bang for the buck :!:

 

[codash1099]

The Christmas Party

December 1st
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. There will be lots of spiked eggnog and a small band playing traditional carols... feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus to light the Christmas tree! Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10. Merry Christmas to you and your family.

Patty Lewis Human Resources Director

December 2nd
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday that often coincides with Christmas (though unfortunately not this year). However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols sung. Happy Holidays to you and your family.

Patty LewisHuman Resources Director

December 3rd
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

Regarding the anonymous note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, I'm happy to accommodate this request, but, don't forget, if I put a sign on the table that reads, "AA Only," you won't be anonymous anymore. In addition, forget about the gifts exchange-no gifts will be allowed since the union members feel that $10 is too much money.

Patty Lewis Human Researchers Director

December 7th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with the gay men; each will have their table. Yes, there will be a flower arrangement for the gay men's table. Happy now?

Patty Lewis Human Racehorses Director

December 9th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

People, people-nothing sinister was intended by wanting our CEO to play Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit."

Patty Lewis Human Ratraces

December 10th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

Vegetarians-I've had it with you people!! We're going to hold this party at Luigi's Open Pit whether you like it or not, you can just sit at the table farthest from the "grill of death," as you put it, and you'll get salad bar only, including hydroponic tomatoes. But, you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard the scream. I'm hearing them right now... Ha! I hope you all have a rotten holiday!

Patty Lewis Human Ratraces

December 14th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness. I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.Happy Holidays!

Terri Bishop Acting Human Resources Director

 

[samh004]

The Christmas Party

I wanna work there!

 

[codash1099]

Bad weather meant I was stuck overnight at O'Hare airport in
Chicago. Along with hotel accommodations, the airline issued each
passenger a $10 meal ticket, or "chit." That evening after dinner
I presented my meal ticket to the cashier.

"Is this chit worth $10?" I asked.

Looking up nervously, the cashier responded, "I'm sorry, sir. Was
the meal that bad?"

 

[Hvr]

You know you're getting old when your wife says come upstairs and have sex and your response is pick one 'cause I can't do both.

 

[Maca44]

The Age Gap

At 85 years of age, Roger married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old.

Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock' on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Roger, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Roger, Again he is ready for more 'action'. Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Roger kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.

She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it - Roger Is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more 'action'. And, once more they enjoy each other.

But as Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Roger.'

Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: 'You mean I was here already?'

The moral of the story:

Don't be afraid of getting old, Alzheimer's has its advantages.

 

[codash1099]

POLITICALLY CORRECT SEASONAL REFLECTIONS

The Rocking Song

Little Jesus, sweetly sleep, do not stir;
We will lend a coat of fur,
We will rock you, rock you, rock you,
We will rock you, rock you, rock you:

Fur is no longer appropriate wear for small infants, both due to risk of allergy to animal fur, and for ethical reasons. Therefore faux fur, a nice cellular blanket or perhaps micro-fleece material should be considered a suitable alternative.

Please note, only persons who have been subject to a Criminal Records Bureau check and have enhanced clearance will be permitted to rock baby Jesus. Persons must carry their CRB disclosure with them at all times and be prepared to provide three forms of identification before rocking commences.

Jingle Bells

Dashing through the snow
In a one horse open sleigh
O'er the fields we go
Laughing all the way

A risk assessment must be submitted before an open sleigh is considered safe for members of the public to travel on. The risk assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly if passengers are of larger proportions. Please note, permission must be gained from landowners before entering their fields. To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we would request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance.

While Shepherds Watched

While shepherds watched
Their flocks by night
All seated on the ground
The angel of the Lord came down
And glory shone around

The Union of Shepherds has complained that it breaches health and safety regulations to insist that shepherds watch their flocks without appropriate seating arrangements being provided, therefore benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs are now available. Shepherds have also requested that due to the inclement weather conditions at this time of year they should watch their flocks via cctv cameras from centrally heated shepherd observation huts.
Please note, the angel of the Lord is reminded that before shining his / her glory all around she / he must ascertain that all shepherds have been issued with glasses capable of filtering out the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and Glory.

Little Donkey

Little donkey, little donkey on the dusty road
Got to keep on plodding onwards with your precious load

The RSPCA have issued strict guidelines with regard to how heavy a load a donkey of small stature is permitted to carry, also included in the guidelines is guidance regarding how often to feed the donkey and how many rest breaks are required over a four hour plodding period. Please note that due to the increased risk of pollution from the dusty road, Mary and Joseph are required to wear face masks to prevent inhalation of any airborne particles. The donkey has expressed his discomfort at being labelled 'little' and would prefer just to be simply referred to as Mr. Donkey. To comment upon his height or lack thereof may be considered an infringement of his equine rights.

We Three Kings

We three kings of Orient are
Bearing gifts we traverse afar
Field and fountain, moor and mountain
Following yonder star

Whilst the gift of gold is still considered acceptable - as it may be redeemed at a later date through such organisations as 'cash for gold' etc, gifts of frankincense and myrrh are not appropriate due to the potential risk of oils and fragrances causing allergic reactions. A suggested gift alternative would be to make a donation to a worthy cause in the recipients name or perhaps give a gift voucher.
We would not advise that the traversing kings rely on navigation by stars in order to reach their destinations and suggest the use of RAC routefinder or satellite navigation, which will provide the quickest route and advice regarding fuel consumption. Please note as per the guidelines from the RSPCA for Mr Donkey, the camels carrying the three kings of Orient will require regular food and rest breaks. Facemasks for the three kings are also advisable due to the likelihood of dust from the camels hooves.

Rudolph the red nosed reindeer

Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer
had a very shiny nose.
And if you ever saw him,
you would even say it glows.

You are advised that under the Equal Opportunities for All policy, it is inappropriate for persons to make comment with regard to the ruddiness of any part of Mr. R Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr R Reindeer from the Reindeer Games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence. A full investigation will be implemented and sanctions-including suspension on full pay-will be considered whilst this investigation takes place.

 

[codash1099]

 

[QF WP]

Ah, 2010 ... now that I have brought it in settling my new son off to sleep...that's what I am about to do as well (well, I should get a couple of hours before either my wife or son wake me again)...

 

[straitman]

Ah, 2010 ... now that I have brought it in settling my new son off to sleep...that's what I am about to do as well (well, I should get a couple of hours before either my wife or son wake me again)...

At 1:26am we had just arrived back at the house after a very pleasant evening on the water at Lakes Entrance. Eight people on a 34ft cruiser so lots of room. The 9:30 fireworks started a scrub fire near the surf club which added a bit of interest. The weather was 24deg with a warm NE breeze. The midnight fireworks was billed as the biggest in regional Victoria and was pretty spectacular as was the lightening show from the storms over the ocean to the SW. A great night and in bed by a (almost) respectable time of 2:00am.

Another cruise today from Lakes to Metung and back topped it all off. We finally arrived home in Sale at about 7:00pm tonight. A truly great couple of days :!: