A bit of humour

[anat0l]

(Don't blame me,my girlfriend told me that one !).

Better get your raincoat and a suit of armor.

 

[bossreggie]

Paddy and Murphy were sitting on the Pier watching some divers in the distance,

Paddy: Why is it do you think they always roll backwards into the water??

Murphy: Don't be daft...... If they rolled forwards they'd still be ON the bloody boat!!

 

[anat0l]

Some lady said to me that she wanted a crash course in how to drive.



When I was debating, we used to use canned attacks about the opposition's case before we launched into our rebuttal (until they told us that canned attacks were so yesterday and they were now pretty **** to use). Some of the canned attacks used included:

• "The opposition's case is like a skyscraper; they both have a lot of floors." (read this one out loud)
• "The opposition's case is a lot like a donut; it's soft, goes 'round and 'round in circles and has a big hole in it."
• "The opposition's case is a lot like a bull's head: one point here, one point there, and a lot of bull in the middle."

 

[straitman]

Aging With Buddies

A group of 40 years old buddies discuss and discuss where they should meet for dinner. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen restaurant because the waitress's there have low cut blouses and nice breasts.

10 years later, at 50 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because the food there is very good and the wine selection is good also.

10 years later at 60 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because they can eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant is smoke free.

l0 years later, at 70 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because the restaurant is wheel chair accessible and they even have an elevator.

10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because that would be a great idea because they have never been there before.

 

[anat0l]

One for all the office geeks and IT nerds out there.

I subscribe to a daily news feed from CodeProject. One of the articles they sent for today presents itself (and the subtext underneath) like this:

Will Normal Folks Ever Use Twitter?
Magic 8 Ball says: Outlook not so good.

Think about that carefully for a second and you might just have a little chuckle.

If you don't get it, highlight the text between the $...$

$
Think Microsoft
$

 

[Flashback]

One for all the office geeks and IT nerds out there.

I subscribe to a daily news feed from CodeProject. One of the articles they sent for today presents itself (and the subtext underneath) like this:



Think about that carefully for a second and you might just have a little chuckle.

If you don't get it, highlight the text between the $...$

$

$

I lol'd

 

[codash1099]

Washington Report


WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) In what some in the White House are calling a "win/win" solution to the nation's airport security and health care reform problems, starting next month U. S. airports will begin conducting full body scans that will double as annual physical checkups.

President Obama announced the breakthrough solution, telling reporters, "With this all-purpose exam, we will be able to find everything from a hidden weapon to a spot on your lung."

After scanning a passenger, Mr. Obama said, "We will either give you a clean bill of health or wrestle you to the ground."

The President added that instituting the body scan/checkup could ward off some terrorists right from the start, "because a lot of them will balk at the $25 co-pay."

But according to Davis Logsdon, who studies terrorism and health care reform at the University of Minnesota, the body scans may attract more terrorists than they deter: "If there's one complaint that terrorists have about al-Qaeda it's that they have lousy benefits."

 

[straitman]

Subject: Qantas Party Report

Letter to the Chief Pilot

Sir,

In your icy, indeed hostile, telephone call of yesterday, you requested a report about the alleged proceedings involving my crew at the Qantas 75th Birthday celebration at the slip port. As the reports from the local authorities and the head of the Australian legation were undoubtedly a complete fabrication, I take the opportunity to put the truth of the matter on file.

Qantas management's kind offer to "buy a round of drinks" was taken on board by the crew who decided to upgrade the event to its correct status, so appropriate quantities of libation and food were purchased, with festivities being held in my hotel suite.

An enjoyable evening ensued but insufficient supplies had been obtained, so several members of the crew left for further purchases at a local bar. In a truly magnanimous gesture, ten bar girls from that establishment helped carry the beer back to the hotel. To demonstrate our appreciation of their assistance, we served them some cool drink. They then offered to show us some local culture, and, in order not to offend, we allowed them to dance some exotic dances.

The banging on the walls of my room had, by now, quite honestly, become invasive, and it was disturbing the dancers, so we arranged an amusing little deterrent. S/0 Brown's impersonation of the Police Officer was excellent! In full Qantas uniform, with an aluminium rubbish bin upside down on his head, he goose-stepped to each room and harangued the occupants with a very witty diatribe about disturbing hotel guests. I personally heard nothing of his alleged threats of life in Alcatraz or the Gulags, claimed by the sister of the Minister of Police whose room was, unluckily, next door.

I have no doubt that this woman was the sneak who called security and hotel management and I absolutely refute that the shout "Look out, here come the Indians! Circle the wagons!" was made. The simple coincidence of security arriving just as we stood the double bed on its side across the door to make the dance floor bigger is obvious.

The major damage to the room occurred when a group of gate crashers, whom we could not know were hotel security, forced their way in just as most of us happened to be leaning against the bed watching the dancing.

The subsequent events in the foyer of the hotel are an equally vicious distortion of the facts. I was explaining the importance of the 75th Birthday to the General Manager of the hotel and noting that other guests were fabricating stories of noise, drinking and singing at the celebration, when F/O Smith (ex-SAS) and several other keep-fit enthusiasts, in keeping with their almost monastic pursuit of health, organised the race up the drapes which hang along the foyer wall. It says nothing for the workmanship of some of these nations that the fittings were torn from the wall before most of the crew were even halfway up.

At this stage, in an amazing display of international posturing, the Governor of the city, who was attending the National Day coughtail party in the foyer, cast some denigrating remarks about Australian culture. Although he misunderstood our gestures of greeting, female flight attendant Williams rescued the situation with her depth of knowledge of local culture.

Her rendition of the Fertility Dancing Maiden in the foyer's 'Pool of Remembrance' was nothing short of breathtaking. Normally this dance is performed wearing just a sarong skirt so FFA Williams' extra step to nature was a bold step forward.

Unfortunately, during one intricate step, FFA Williams slipped and fell beneath the fountain, so we were lucky that S/0 Brown, who had the great presence of mind to strip to avoid getting his uniform wet, leapt in to help. That the tiles of the pool were slippery is beyond dispute, as it took nearly ten minutes of threshing about before S/O Brown could actually complete his rescue. Such concern was there for these two exemplary crew member's safety, that the rest of the crew were forced to assist, and I deny that this massed altruistic rescue attempt could be construed as a 'Water Polo' game!

This slanderous accusation was first put to me by the Chief of the Riot Squad, whose storm troopers had apparently been called by some over zealous Fascists at the coughtail party.

Order had nearly been restored when the fire started.

I prefer F/O Smith's version of events that the drapes had caught fire from being against a light fitting, and that he dropped his cigarette lighter whilst trying to escape the flames. Had host management fulfilled their responsibilities and used fire retardant material instead of velvet, the fire would not have spread to the rest of the hotel.

The responsible attitude shown by my crew in assisting the bar staff to carry out drinks from the coughtail party is to be commended, not condemned, and the attempt by male members of the crew to extinguish pockets of fire using natural means has been totally misrepresented in some quarters. I cannot overstate how strongly I resent the assertions made in the Chief Fire Officer's Report.

I made an official protest about these matters when the head of the Australian Legation visited us at the Police Station the next morning. However, not only did Ambassador Jones not attempt to refute the preposterous allegations made against me and my crew, but also by failing to secure our release immediately, caused the subsequent aircraft delay.

I did not know Her Majesty was to be aboard our aircraft, but I am sure that her 12- hour visit to that country was appreciated by local dignitaries and probably HRH herself. (I must mention that the local manager is far too obsequious - Smarmy! Smarmy! You should have seen him bowing and scraping. Never make a Prime Minister, that chap!)

Finally, I note that not since 'Rainman' has Qantas been mentioned in so many newspapers. (Some people in Qantas would die for coverage like that.) The main newspaper at the slip port coincidentally mentioned Qantas 75 times on its front page alone, although some of the coupled epithets can only be described as the worst journalistic excesses of the gutter press.

I trust that now I have outlined the correct version of events, we may allow ourselves a discreet smile as to the lack of social sophistication of some of these developing nations and put all this behind us. As far as I am concerned, the crew carried on the finest Qantas traditions.

Regards,

Captain......

P.S. I checked amongst the language qualified members of the crew, but no one was up to speed on Latin. Can you recommend anyone in the International Department who could translate 'Persona Non Grata'?

 

[Dee Thom]

An American tourist asks an Irish Diver "Why do SCUBA divers always fall backwards off the boat into the water?"
To which the Irishman replies "If they fell forwards, they'd still be in the fooking boat!"

Cheers Dee

 

[Maca44]

Box Donation

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'

The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'

The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

Catholic Dog

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?'

Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'

Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'

Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

Donation

Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'
'It is!'
'This is the IRS. Can you help us?'
'I can!'
'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'
'I do!'
'Is he a member of your congregation?'
'He is!'
'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'
'He will.'

Confession
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'
Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'
Man: 'What sins?'
Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'
Man: 'I'm Jewish.'
Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'
Man: 'I'm 92 years old .... I'm telling everybody!'

Brothel Trip

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
'I'm 90 years old,' he says.
'90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'
'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'

Senility

An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.'
'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'

 

[samh004]

An American tourist asks an Irish Diver "Why do SCUBA divers always fall backwards off the boat into the water?"
To which the Irishman replies "If they fell forwards, they'd still be in the fooking boat!"

Cheers Dee

That joke was only used 7 posts prior

 

[codash1099]

I am a sailor in the Australian Navy. My parents live in the suburb of Redfern
and one of my sisters, who lives in Canberra, is married to a Kiwi.

My father and mother have recently been arrested growing and selling marijuan_
and are currently dependent on my other two sisters, who are prostitutes in Kings
Cross. I have two brothers, one who is currently serving a non parole life sentence
in Long Bay Jail, Sydney, for the rape and murder of a teenage girl in 2004, the other
is currently being held in the Parramatta remand centre on charges of incest with
three of his children.

I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who lives in Chatswood
and indeed is still a part time"working girl" in a brothel, however, her time there is limited
as she has recently been infected with an STD. We intend to marry as soon as possible and
are currently looking into the possibility of opening our own brothel with my fiancee
utilizing her knowledge of the industry working as the manager.

I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our team. Although I would prefer
them not to prostitute themselves, it would at least get them off the streets and hopefully
the heroi_.

My problem is this: I love my fiancee and look forward to bringing her into the family and
of course I want to be totally honest with her.

Should I tell her about my brother-in-law being a Kiwi?

 

[Dee Thom]

That joke was only used 7 posts prior

Must have had a seniors moment

Cheers Dee

 

[Dee Thom]

SEX AT 74


I've just found out I can still have sex at 74.
I'm so happy because I live at 68. So it's not far to walk home...........

Cheers Dee

 

[Maca44]

Deleted..already posted. Got to be quick on this forum.

 

[anat0l]

I am a sailor in the Australian Navy.......

What is this - seeing double day?

 

[samh004]

That must be a very popular email!

 

[codash1099]

Threat Levels

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorised from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666

The Scots raised their threat level from "P*ssed Off" to "Let's get the B*stards" They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the frontline in the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.

The Italians have increased their alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".

The Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

The Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes on all of their allies, just in case.

The New Zealanders have also raised their security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA!". Due to continuing defence cutbacks (the air force being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which
is "I hope Australia will come and rescue us".

The Australians , meanwhile, have raised their security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, mate". Three more escalation levels remain, "Crikey!, I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

 

[straitman]

Threat levels is excellent IMHO.

 

[Bundy Bear]

Today being 6Feb I thought I would post this; I haven't got it checked out by the joke moderator; they know who they are.

An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the world.

So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Orlando, thinking that he would start by working his way across the USA from South to North.

On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read '$10,000 per call'.

The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for.

The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God.

The American thanked the priest and went along his way.

Next stop was in Atlanta. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same looking golden telephone with the same sign under it.

He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.

She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God.

'O.K., thank you,' said the American.

He then travelled all across America, Europe, England, Japan, and Australia. In every church he saw the same looking golden telephone with the same '$US10,000 per call' sign under it.

The American decided to travel to New Zealand to see if Kiwi's had the same phone.

He arrived at Queenstown in New Zealand and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same looking golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read '40 cents per call.'

The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. 'Father, I've travelled all over the world and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in all of them price was $10,000 per call.

Why is it so cheap here?'

The priest smiled and answered, 'you’re in New Zealand now, son - "This is Heaven," so it's a local call'.