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BB,
That joke will probably go to the heads of the K1W1's around here :!:
That joke will probably go to the heads of the K1W1's around here :!:
A bit of humour
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But not the joke Moderator 
docjames
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Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.
One student said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."
The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki
Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart just as we learned in class."
Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him:
"We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"
The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think."
The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."
The old man said, "You thought........ But you are wrong."
The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."
The old man said, "You thought....... But you are wrong."
So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"
The old man said, "I thought it was a Fart...................... But I was wrong, too!"
One student said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."
The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki
Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart just as we learned in class."
Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him:
"We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"
The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think."
The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."
The old man said, "You thought........ But you are wrong."
The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."
The old man said, "You thought....... But you are wrong."
So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"
The old man said, "I thought it was a Fart...................... But I was wrong, too!"
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Alanslegal
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Shopping - Husband Down
I was shopping with my wife the other day at Woolies.
I went into the bottle shop and came out with a carton of Tooheys Dry.
She said, "What are you doing with that?"
I said, "It's on special. $30 for 24 cans."
She said, "Put it back."
Later on we're in Woolies and she put some face cream in the trolley.
I said, "What are you doing with that?"
She said, "It's my face cream. It's only $60 and it makes me look nice."
I said, "That's what the beer was for and it's half the price!"
The last thing I remember hearing over the P.A. was.....
"Aisle 5, Aisle 5.
We have a husband down, we have a husband down."
I know there are men out there who understand
I was shopping with my wife the other day at Woolies.
I went into the bottle shop and came out with a carton of Tooheys Dry.
She said, "What are you doing with that?"
I said, "It's on special. $30 for 24 cans."
She said, "Put it back."
Later on we're in Woolies and she put some face cream in the trolley.
I said, "What are you doing with that?"
She said, "It's my face cream. It's only $60 and it makes me look nice."
I said, "That's what the beer was for and it's half the price!"
The last thing I remember hearing over the P.A. was.....
"Aisle 5, Aisle 5.
We have a husband down, we have a husband down."
I know there are men out there who understand
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I think most husbands would understand that problem.
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There are two types of men who do not understand women.
Husbands and Bachelors.
Husbands and Bachelors.
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Thank you for making me smile this morning docjames, Alanslegal and straitman... although I thought you were meant to say "present company excluded"
I have also been printing them out for my fathers' poker school. They love what I give them.
I have also been printing them out for my fathers' poker school. They love what I give them.
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anat0l
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A few quotes from hither and thither
The Muppet Show
Statler: "Hmmm...poor guy lost his nose."
Waldorf: "Hmmm...yes, how will he smell?"
Statler: "Same as always!"
S+W: "Terrible!"
(Statler and Waldorf are heckling Milton Berle)
Statler: "You what's your problem, Berle? You're too close to the audience!"
Berle: (takes a step back) "How's that?"
Statler: "Nup, still too close!"
Berle: (takes another step back) "How about that?"
Statler: "Nope, still too close!"
Berle: "Well, how far should I go back?"
Statler: "Got a car?"
Fozzie Bear: "I will now demonstrate my photographic memory!"
Statler: "Hey Bear - what's a photographic memory?"
Waldorf: "In your case, it's a memory that needs developing!"
Some Mothers Do 'Ave 'Em
(Frank arrives at the hospital stuck to a chair due to using Super Glue)
Head Nurse: (after Frank explains he's stuck) "Have you tried washing?"
Frank: "Excuse me! I did not come here to be insulted!"
Frank: "[The police] just told me to make a list of people who didn't like me. And that was weeks ago!"
Telephone Service Manager: "And they've [the police] have done nothing?"
Frank: (sheepishly) "I'm still writing out the list."
(Frank ruins a computer tape with over 2 years of work on it)
Mr Bradshaw: "You idiot! Look what you've done!"
Frank: "I'm sorry.... Can you remember what was on it?"
Frank: "As my mother used to say, when things look bad, just go to sleep, and dream your troubles away. After all, you may have had an awful day, but tomorrow could be worse!"
The Three Stooges
Lady: "You must be the three chiropractors I sent for. Now start manipulating my spine!"
Curly: "Hey Moe! We don't know nothin' about manipulatin'!"
Moe: "You heard the lady! Grab a spine and get crackin'!"
Curly: "What kind of idiot do you take me for?"
Moe: "What, you mean there's more than one kind?"
Phua Chu Kang Sdn Bhd (a Malay sitcom in English based on a Singaporean sitcom of similar title)
(PCK (main character) is at the transport department trying to get a permit to operate a construction vehicle. He sits down in the waiting area.)
Desk clerk: (calling out) "23B! 23B?"
(no one comes forward. PCK realises he doesn't have a number...)
Clerk: "49E! 49E?"
(again, no one comes forward)
Clerk: "Next!"
PCK: "What, me?"
Clerk: "Are you 23B?"
PCK: (slightly depressed) "No."
Clerk: "Are you 49E?"
PCK: (slightly more depressed) "No."
Clerk: (as if stating the obvious) "You are next, lah!"
The Muppet Show
Statler: "Hmmm...poor guy lost his nose."
Waldorf: "Hmmm...yes, how will he smell?"
Statler: "Same as always!"
S+W: "Terrible!"
(Statler and Waldorf are heckling Milton Berle)
Statler: "You what's your problem, Berle? You're too close to the audience!"
Berle: (takes a step back) "How's that?"
Statler: "Nup, still too close!"
Berle: (takes another step back) "How about that?"
Statler: "Nope, still too close!"
Berle: "Well, how far should I go back?"
Statler: "Got a car?"
Fozzie Bear: "I will now demonstrate my photographic memory!"
Statler: "Hey Bear - what's a photographic memory?"
Waldorf: "In your case, it's a memory that needs developing!"
Some Mothers Do 'Ave 'Em
(Frank arrives at the hospital stuck to a chair due to using Super Glue)
Head Nurse: (after Frank explains he's stuck) "Have you tried washing?"
Frank: "Excuse me! I did not come here to be insulted!"
Frank: "[The police] just told me to make a list of people who didn't like me. And that was weeks ago!"
Telephone Service Manager: "And they've [the police] have done nothing?"
Frank: (sheepishly) "I'm still writing out the list."
(Frank ruins a computer tape with over 2 years of work on it)
Mr Bradshaw: "You idiot! Look what you've done!"
Frank: "I'm sorry.... Can you remember what was on it?"
Frank: "As my mother used to say, when things look bad, just go to sleep, and dream your troubles away. After all, you may have had an awful day, but tomorrow could be worse!"
The Three Stooges
Lady: "You must be the three chiropractors I sent for. Now start manipulating my spine!"
Curly: "Hey Moe! We don't know nothin' about manipulatin'!"
Moe: "You heard the lady! Grab a spine and get crackin'!"
Curly: "What kind of idiot do you take me for?"
Moe: "What, you mean there's more than one kind?"
Phua Chu Kang Sdn Bhd (a Malay sitcom in English based on a Singaporean sitcom of similar title)
(PCK (main character) is at the transport department trying to get a permit to operate a construction vehicle. He sits down in the waiting area.)
Desk clerk: (calling out) "23B! 23B?"
(no one comes forward. PCK realises he doesn't have a number...)
Clerk: "49E! 49E?"
(again, no one comes forward)
Clerk: "Next!"
PCK: "What, me?"
Clerk: "Are you 23B?"
PCK: (slightly depressed) "No."
Clerk: "Are you 49E?"
PCK: (slightly more depressed) "No."
Clerk: (as if stating the obvious) "You are next, lah!"
Last edited:
Dee Thom
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BOB HOPE HUMOUR
On turning 70
You still chase womem, but only down hill
On turning 80
That's the one time in life that even your birthday suit needs pressing.
On turning 90
You know you'r getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.
On turning 100
I don't feel old. In fact I don't feel anything till noon, then it's time for my nap.
On golf
Golf is my profession. Show businessis just to pay the green fees.
On not winning an Oscar
Welcome to the Academy Awards, or as it's called at home 'Passover'.
Why he chose Show Business
When I was born, the Doctor said to my mother 'Congratulations, you have an eight pound ham'.
On his six brothers
That's how I learned to ance. Waiting for the bathroom.
He's a hard act to follow!
Cheers Dee
On turning 70
You still chase womem, but only down hill
On turning 80
That's the one time in life that even your birthday suit needs pressing.
On turning 90
You know you'r getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.
On turning 100
I don't feel old. In fact I don't feel anything till noon, then it's time for my nap.
On golf
Golf is my profession. Show businessis just to pay the green fees.
On not winning an Oscar
Welcome to the Academy Awards, or as it's called at home 'Passover'.
Why he chose Show Business
When I was born, the Doctor said to my mother 'Congratulations, you have an eight pound ham'.
On his six brothers
That's how I learned to ance. Waiting for the bathroom.
He's a hard act to follow!
Cheers Dee
ethernet
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Workplace Protocols -
YouTube - Workplace Protocols
YouTube - Workplace Protocols
Flashback
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After having dug to a depth of 3 metres last year, Melbourne scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the Victorians, in the weeks that followed, a Sydney archaeologist dug to a depth of 7 metres, and shortly after, a story published in the Sydney Morning Herald read:
"New South Wales archaeologists, finding traces of 130-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 30 years earlier than the Victorians".
One week later, the Courier Mail in Brisbane , Queensland , reported the following:
"After digging as deep as 15 metres in his pasture near Beenleigh , Queensland , John Brown, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely f##k all. John has therefore concluded that 130 years ago, Queensland had already gone wireless."
Not to be outdone by the Victorians, in the weeks that followed, a Sydney archaeologist dug to a depth of 7 metres, and shortly after, a story published in the Sydney Morning Herald read:
"New South Wales archaeologists, finding traces of 130-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 30 years earlier than the Victorians".
One week later, the Courier Mail in Brisbane , Queensland , reported the following:
"After digging as deep as 15 metres in his pasture near Beenleigh , Queensland , John Brown, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely f##k all. John has therefore concluded that 130 years ago, Queensland had already gone wireless."
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Saying the right thing at the right time !!!
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn'ttaste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party.
As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!!
Jack sits up and sees hisclothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.
He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order,
Spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror.
Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight.
I love you, darling!
Love, Jillian"
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is a hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.
His 16 year old son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... What happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, And got that black eye when you ran into the door.
Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order. And so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"
His son replies, "Oh THAT... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!!"
Broken Coffee Table $539.99
Hot Breakfast $44.20
Two Aspirins $0.78
Saying the right thing, at the right time. .[FONT="]
[/FONT]
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn'ttaste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party.
As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!!
Jack sits up and sees hisclothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.
He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order,
Spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror.
Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight.
I love you, darling!
Love, Jillian"
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is a hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.
His 16 year old son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... What happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, And got that black eye when you ran into the door.
Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order. And so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"
His son replies, "Oh THAT... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!!"
Broken Coffee Table $539.99
Hot Breakfast $44.20
Two Aspirins $0.78
Saying the right thing, at the right time. .[FONT="]
[/FONT]
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Love it, straitman
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Concerned about robots? Well don't....
Everyone knows the Daleks can fly don’t they? :shock:
Not to dissect the joke, but to understand the robots are bad you’d need to know who they are, and if you know who they then you know they can fly up stairs
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