A bit of humour

straitman, you owe me a new laptop...I just laughed so hard that I spilt beer all over mine at the SYD QP and I'm trying to drain it out by holding it upside down. I'm getting some strange looks :shock::oops:

We're gonna see some even stranger looks if you lose the data on that system :shock: (touch wood)

In any case, I didn't think that someone could actually laugh too loud to damage their laptop with beverage, although now that I think about it, I did make a remark in the FT Second Star Mega Do thread that caused someone to spit their tea all over their screen.
 
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Bill, rates with the better ones I have come across this last 18 months or more.
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Walking Eagle.

On a recent trip to the U.S.A. Prime Minister Kevin Rudd was invited to address a major gathering of the American Indian Nations in Kitimat, B.C. due to his experiences in handling the Indigineous situation in Australia.

He spoke for almost an hour on his ideas for increasing every First Nation's present standard of living. At the conclusion of his speech, the tribes presented the Prime Minister with a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name - "Walking Eagle."

The proud Rudd then departed with his entourage, waving to the crowd as he left.

A news reporter later asked the chiefs how they came to select the new name given to Rudd.

They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of s**t, it can no longer fly.
 
Bill, rates with the better ones; you mean strangers; :D

I think you have known Bill for a bit longer than 18 months; try 44 months ...
Methinks that a bit like clutching at straws.:rolleyes:

Note the ,!

There is a heap of difference between:
Bill, rates with the better ones I have come across this last 18 months or more.
and
Bill rates with the better ones I have come across this last 18 months or more.
 
There was once a very ill squid. He didn't know whether his
infection was bacterial or viral, he just knew that he felt
terrible. He was weakly swimming along when a British shark came
by and picked him up.

The squid said, "Hey, if you want a good meal, I'm not it. I have
aches and pains and I'm running a temperature. "

The shark seemed to be delighted, and asked the squid to come
with him. The squid realized that he could not feel worse and
obliged. They ended up in a dark cave where another British shark
was circling.

The first shark dropped his find and said to the circling shark,
"Here's the sick squid I owe you."
 
Two mathematicians were having dinner in a restaurant, arguing about
the average mathematical knowledge of the American public. One
mathematician claimed that this average was woefully inadequate,
the other maintained that it was surprisingly high.

"I'll tell you what," said the cynic, "ask that waitress a simple
math question. If she gets it right, I'll pick up dinner. If not,
you do. He then excused himself to visit the men's room, and the
other called the waitress over.

"When my friend comes back," he told her, "I'm going to ask you a
question, and I want you to respond 'one third x cubed.' There's
twenty bucks in it for you."

She agreed. The cynic returned from the bathroom and called
the waitress over. "The food was wonderful, thank you," the
mathematician started. Incidentally, do you know what the integral
of x squared is?"

The waitress looked pensive; almost pained. She looked around
the room, at her feet, made gurgling noises, and finally said,
"Um, one third x cubed?"

So the cynic paid the check. The waitress wheeled around, walked
a few paces away, looked back at the two men, and muttered under
her breath, ..plus a constant."
 
GARDEN SNAKES CAN BE DANGEROUS...

Snakes also known as Garter Snakes (Thamnophissirtalis) can be dangerous. Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes. Here's why.

A couple in Sweetwater, Texas, had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.

It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants. When it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa.

She let out a very loud scream.

The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa.

He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.

His wife thought he had had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance.

The attendants rushed in, would not listen to his protests, loaded him on the stretcher, and started carrying him out.

About that time, the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.

The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbour who volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch.. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in rel ief.

But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa.

The neighbour man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.

The neighbour's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.

The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbour lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that the snake had bitten him. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.

By now, the police had arrived.


Breathe here...




They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little garden snake!

The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbour and his sobbing wife.

Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the sofa and one of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered and, as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.

The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.

Meanwhile, neighbours saw the burning drapes and called in the fire department. The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires, put out the power, and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out).

Time passed! Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and all was right with their world.

A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants for the night.

And that's when he shot her
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More truisms than humour but anyway:

Vietnam Helicopter Lessons

EVERYTHING I EVER NEEDED TO KNOW IN LIFE I LEARNED AS A HELICOPTER CREWMAN IN VIETNAM


  • Once you are in the fight, it is way too late to wonder if this is a good idea.
  • It is a fact that helicopter tail rotors are instinctively drawn toward trees, stumps, rocks, etc. While it may be possible to ward off this natural event some of the time, it cannot, despite the best efforts of the crew, always be prevented. It's just what they do.
  • NEVER get into a fight without more ammunition than the other guy.
  • The engine RPM and the rotor RPM must BOTH be kept in the GREEN. Failure to heed this commandment can affect the morale of the crew.
  • Cover your Buddy, so he can be around to cover for you.
  • Decisions made by someone above you in the chain-of-command will seldom be in your best interest.
  • The terms Protective Armor and Helicopter are mutually exclusive.
  • Sometimes, being good and lucky still is not enough.
  • "Chicken Plates" are not something you order in a restaurant.
  • If everything is as clear as a bell, and everything is going exactly as planned, you're about to be surprised.
  • Loud, sudden noises in a helicopter WILL get your undivided attention.
  • The BSR (Bang Stare Red) Theory states that the louder the sudden bang in the helicopter, the quicker your eyes will be drawn to the gauges. The longer you stare at the gauges the less time it takes them to move from green to red.
  • No matter what you do, the bullet with your name on it will get you. So, too, can the ones addressed "To Whom It May Concern".
  • If the rear echelon troops are really happy, the front line troops probably do not have what they need.
  • If you are wearing body armor, they will probably miss that part.
  • Happiness is a belt-fed weapon.
  • Having all your body parts intact and functioning at the end of the day beats the alternative.
  • If you are allergic to lead, it is best to avoid a war zone.
  • It is a bad thing to run out of airspeed, altitude, and ideas all at the same time.
  • Hot garrison chow is better than hot C-rations which, in turn, are better than cold C-rations, which are better than no food at all. All of these, however, are preferable to cold rice balls, even if they do have the little pieces of fish in them.
  • Everybody's a hero ... On the ground .. In the club ... After the fourth drink.
  • A free fire zone has nothing to do with economics.
  • The further you fly into the mountains, the louder the strange engine noises become.
  • Medals are OK, but having your body and all your friends in one piece at the end of the day is better.
  • Being shot hurts.
  • "Pucker Factor" is the formal name of the equation that states the more hairy the situation is, the more of the seat cushion will be sucked up your asshole. It can be expressed in its mathematical formula of S (suction) + H (height) above ground) + I (interest in staying alive) + T (# of tracers coming your way)
  • Thus the term '****!' can also be used to denote a situation where high Pucker Factor is being encountered.
  • Thousands of Vietnam Veterans earned medals for bravery every day. A few were even awarded.
  • Running out of pedal, fore or aft cyclic, or collective are all bad ideas. Any combination of these can be deadly.
  • There is only one rule in war: When you win, you get to make up the rules.
  • C-4 can make a dull day fun.
  • There is no such thing as a fair fight-only ones where you win or lose.
  • If you win the battle you are entitled to the spoils. If you lose you don't care.
  • Nobody cares what you did yesterday or what you are going to do tomorrow. What is important is what you are doing-NOW-to solve our problem.
  • Always make sure someone has a P-38. Uh, that's a can opener for those of you who aren't military.
  • Prayer may not help . . . But it can't hurt.
  • Flying is better than walking. Walking is better than running. Running is better than crawling. All of these, however, are better than extraction by a Med-Evac, even if it is, technically, a form of flying.
  • If everyone does not come home, none of the rest of us can ever fully come home either.
  • Do not fear the enemy, for your enemy can only take your life. It is far better that you fear the media, for they will steal your HONOR.
  • A grunt is the true reason for the existence of the helicopter. Every helicopter flying in Vietnam had one real purpose: To help the grunt. It is unfortunate that many helicopters never had the opportunity to fulfill their one true mission in life, simply because someone forgot this fact.
  • If you have not been there and done that . . . you probably will not understand most of these.
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I got this in an email yesterday. Searched the thread, but couldn’t find anything.

An old Pilot sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him...

She turned to the pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes; Cubs, Aeronca's, Neiuports, flew A-6 Attack aircraft in Vietnam, taught 50 people to fly and gave rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot.'

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I’m a lesbian.
 
A young lady wearing a very tight skirt is waiting for the bus. When the bus arrives, the skirt is so tight that she cannot climb the step to get on the bus.

She decides the best thing to do is lower the zip on the rear of the skirt slightly so she can board the bus. So she reaches behind her and lowers the zip a little bit. She tries to step up on the bus, but can't do it.

"Maybe it's still too tight," she thinks, so she reaches behind her and pulls the zip lower this time. Again she tries to step up, but fails.

Finally, out of desperation, she reaches back and lowers the zip all the way. She tries to step up on the step, and still can't do it.

Whilst she is struggling, suddenly two hands grab her bottom and push her up onto the bus. When the lady spins around, she sees the man who did it.

"Why did you grab my bottom like that?" she asks the man rather sternly, "Did you not think for a second that that might be inappropriate?"

"Excuse me, Miss," says the man indignantly, "but not only are you wearing that suggestively tight skirt, but you just lowered my zipper three times!"
 
The blonde went to an eye doctor to have her eyes
checked for glasses. The doctor directed her to read
various letters with the left eye while covering the
right eye.

The blonde was so mixed up on which eye was which that
the eye doctor in disgust took a paper sack with a hole
to see through, and put it on her head to cover up the
appropriate eye and asked her to read the letters.

As he did so, he noticed the blonde had tears streaming
down her face. "Look," said the doctor, "there's no need
to get upset about getting glasses."

"I know," agreed the blonde,

"But I kind of had my heart set on wire frames."
 
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I searched, but couldn’t find a match, though think I should have surely found one.


Five surgeons are discussing who were the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, 'I like to see Accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.'

The second responds, 'Yeah, but you should try Electricians! Everything inside them is colour-coded.'

The third surgeon says, 'No, I really think Librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'

The fourth surgeon chimes in, 'You know I like Construction Workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would.'

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine, and there are only two moving parts - the mouth and the coughhole - and they are interchangeable.'
 
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