A bit of humour

[Mrsfefe]

The Irishman applied for the job as a handy man because he lived around the corner.

Happy St Pat’s day all!

 

[Hvr]

Whenever I meet new people at a party, I struggle to know what to talk about. A mate suggested I try starting a conversation about movies, because everyone loves a good film.

So I’ve started talking about that film with Kate Winslet and Leonardo DiCaprio. But it’s not really helping.

The Titanic is a terrible ice breaker.

 

[Captain Halliday]

Whenever I meet new people at a party, I struggle to know what to talk about. A mate suggested I try starting a conversation about movies, because everyone loves a good film.

So I’ve started talking about that film with Kate Winslet and Leonardo DiCaprio. But it’s not really helping.

The Titanic is a terrible ice breaker.

I warned everyone the Titanic would sink.

I told them there was an iceberg.

I was shouting as loud as I could.

Then I was kicked out of the cinema.

 

[straitman]

I spoke to @Hvr this arvo and he will be making a triumphant return to dethrone the usurper.

He had been a bit distracted of late consoling his neighbour. Someone had stolen all his recently laid instant turf and he was looking forlorn.

Seems Hvr has hacked your account again.

 

[NM]

Nothing ruins a Friday quite like remembering it's actually Tuesday.

 

[Hvr]

 

[NM]

I have to write a wedding speech, so this thread is likely to provide me some help material . Thanks for everyone's contributions.

 

[NM]

A boss is interviewing a candidate for a job.

The boss asks him, "What do you think is your worst quality?"

"I'm too honest," the man replies.

"That's not a bad thing. I think being honest is a good quality."

"Good," the candidate answered, "because I don't care about what you think!"

 

[mrs.dr.ron]

 

[NM]

There was a kidnapping at our local primary school today. It turned out ok ... they managed to wake him up.

 

[codash1099]

I’m writing a book about cyclones and tornadoes.
It’s only a draft so far.

 

[drron]

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[straitman]

 

[Ansett]

*Be aware *
We ordered Chinese takeout from a local place (I won't name them), but when I got home I placed it on my kitchen counter top and as I was getting some plates, I heard the bags rustling and moving!!!!
I thought what is that? Has something got in the bag? I thought I could see a little pair of

peering out at me!!
I was so scared as the bag was moving around and around. I leaned forward, picked up the bag, put it on the floor with a broom in one hand and there it was again, more rustling and little

looking out behind the prawn crackers.
I thought it's got to be a rat or a mouse or something, so I carefully pulled the bag down ...
And there it was ...
A Peeking Duck!!!

 

[Ansett]

 

[Ansett]

An old tired-looking dog wanders into a guy's yard. He examines the dog's collar and feels his well-fed belly and knows the dog has a home.
The dog follows him into the house, goes down the hall, jumps on the couch, gets comfortable and falls asleep. The man thinks its rather odd, but lets him sleep. After about an hour the dog wakes up, walks to the door and the guy lets him out. The dog wags his tale and leaves.
The next day the dog comes back and scratches at the door. The guy opens the door, the dog comes in, goes down the hall, jumps on the couch, gets comfortable and falls asleep again. The man lets him sleep. After about an hour the dog wakes up, walks to the door and the guy lets him out. The dog wags his tale and leaves.
This goes on for days. The guy grows really curious, so he pins a note on the dog's collar: "Your dog has been taking a nap at my house every day."
The next day the dog arrives with another note pinned to his collar: "He lives in a home with four children -- he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?'

 

[mrs.dr.ron]

 

[straitman]

How do you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile? You will see one later and one in a while

(definately an older person joke!)

 

[straitman]

It cannot be a coincidence!

 

[NM]

Q. What did the nuclear physicist have for lunch?

A. Fission chips.