A bit of humour

[Hvr]

 

[Hvr]

 

[cosi]

 

[prozac]

 

[TheRealTMA]

 

[prozac]

Love this carton by observer of life, Michael Leunig.

 

[Hvr]

How did we measure hailstones golf was invented?

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A cartoonist has been found dead in their home.
Details are sketchy.

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People are always amazed at the skilled tattoo artists in Spain.

No one expects the Spanish ink precision.


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[Hvr]

 

[Hvr]

My tutor has accused me of plagiarism?... her words not mine.

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My dear old mum used to say "the way to a man's heart is through his stomach".....lovely woman, terrible cardiac surgeon.


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When people are sad, I let them colour in my tattoos.

Sometimes all they need is a shoulder to crayon.

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Asked my Mrs if I could have a tattoo, she said OK......now she's complaining about the drums and bagpipes in the garden! I'll never figure her out.........

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Reports are coming in that an entire city has been lost in Yorkshire...

Police are said to be combing the area for Leeds.

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Top tip:-
'...NEVER buy a memory foam mattress if you cheat on your spouse.'

 

[prozac]

A plane leaves Los Angeles airport under the control of a Jewish captain.

His copilot is Chinese. It’s the first time they’ve flown together, and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike.

Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, ‘I don’t like Chinese.’

‘No rike Chinese?’ asks the copilot, ‘….why not?’

‘You people bombed Pearl Harbor, that’s why !’

‘No, no,’ the co-pilot protests, ‘Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah! That Japanese, not Chinese.’

‘Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese… doesn’t matter, you’re all alike!’

There’s a few minutes of silence.

‘I no rike Jews either!’ the copilot suddenly announces.

‘Oh yeah, why not?’ asks the captain.

‘Jews sink Titanic.’

‘What? That’s insane! Jews didn’t sink the Titanic!’ exclaims the captain, ‘It was an iceberg!’

‘Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg …no mattah… all same.’

 

[prozac]

Here's a Tassie joke.

An old man lived alone in Tasmania. He wanted to dig his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Jase, who used to help him, was in prison.

The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.
Dear Jase,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I wont be able to plant my potato garden this year; Im just getting to old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.
Love Dad.

A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Dad,
For heavens sake, dont dig up that garden, thats where I buried the BODIES.
Love Jase.

At 4A.M. the next morning, the Federal Police and local police showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologised to the old man and left.

The same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Dad.
Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. Its the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love Jase.

 

[prozac]

This little old lady goes to the doctor and says,
"Doctor I have this problem with passing gas, but it really doesn’t bother me too much. It never smells and it’s always silent. As a matter of fact I’ve passed gas at least 20 times since I’ve been here in your office. You didn’t know I was passing gas because it doesn’t smell and it’s silent."

The doctor says "I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week."

The next week the lady goes back.
"Doctor, I don’t know what you gave me, but now my passing gas… although still silent, it stinks terribly."

"Good", the doctor said, "now that we’ve cleared up your sinuses, we’ll start to work on your hearing."

 

[Major]

@drron's favourite bandana person

 

[prozac]

@drron's favourite bandana person

View attachment 287603

Pity I can only put in one laughing face. This sums it up beautifully.
The city elite start running TV ads soon.

 

[codash1099]

Quotes on ageing.

1. "If you want to know how old a woman is then ask her sister-in-law." - Edgar Howe
2. "Old age comes at a bad time." – San Banducci
3. "Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened." - Jennifer Yane
4. "Old age is like a plane flying through a storm. Once you are aboard there is nothing you can do about it." - Golda Meir
5. "The older I get, the more clearly I remember things that never happened. - Mark Twain
6. "I’m at that age where my back goes out more than I do." - Phyllis Diller
7. "Nice to be here? At my age it’s nice to be anywhere." – George Burns
8. “You spend 90 percent of your adult life hoping for a long rest and the last 10 percent trying to convince the Lord that you’re actually not that tired.” – Robert Brault
9. “Old people shouldn’t eat health foods. They need all the preservatives they can get.” – Robert Orben
10. "At my age, flowers scare me." - George Burns
11. “It’s like you trade the virility of the body for the agility of the spirit.” – Elizabeth Lesser
12. "The years between 50 and 70 are the hardest. You are always being asked to do things, and yet you are not decrepit enough to turn them down." - T.S. Elliot
13. "At age 20, we worry about what others think of us… at age 40, we don’t care what they think of us… at age 60, we discover they haven’t been thinking of us at all." - Ann Landers
14. "When I was young, I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties, I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then, and I’m labeled senile." – GB
15. "The important thing to remember is that I’m probably going to forget." - Unknown
16. "We don’t grow older, we grow riper." - Pablo Picasso
17. “It’s paradoxical that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn’t appeal to anyone.” - Andy Rooney
18. “The older I get, the better I used to be.” – Lee Trevino
19. "I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me—they’re cramming for their final exam."- George Carlin
20. "Everything slows down with age, except the time it takes cake and ice cream to reach your hips." - John Wagner
21. "Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does." - J. Norman Collie

 

[prozac]

Another Tassie folklore. It's true ...

Finally, sick of the stress in the city Ray quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in the hills in Tasmania as far from humanity
as possible.
He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.
'Name's Cliff, your neighbour from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00...'
'Great', says Ray, 'after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks Thank you.'
As Cliff is leaving, he stops. 'Gotta warn you. Be some drinking'.'
'Not a problem' says Ray, 'After a lifetime working in the city, I can drink with the best of 'em'.
Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. 'More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting' too.'
'Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right! . I'll be there. Thanks again.'
'More'n likely be some wild sex, too,'
'Now that's really not a problem' says Ray, warming to the idea. 'I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there... By the way, what should I wear?'
'Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us.'

 

[Hvr]

Name's Cliff, your neighbour from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00...'

Always good for brothers to catch up occasionally.

 

[TheRealTMA]

Spiced-up astronomical tale a case of expert just being a silly sausage​

A French scientist has apologised after he tweeted a close-up photo of a slice of chorizo alongside a caption suggesting the image had been taken by the James Webb Telescope.

"This level of detail … a new world is revealed every day," tweeted Etienne Klein, a director at France's Atomic Energy Commission, suggesting the image showed Proxima Centauri, the closest star to the Sun.

Photo de Proxima du Centaure, l’étoile la plus proche du Soleil, située à 4,2 année-lumière de nous.
Elle a été prise par le JWST.
Ce niveau de détails… Un nouveau monde se dévoile jour après jour. pic.twitter.com/88UBbHDQ7Z

— Etienne KLEIN (@EtienneKlein) July 31, 2022

 

[codash1099]

 

[Hvr]

What is the difference between toilet paper and the Starship Enterprise?

Nothing, they both circle Uranus looking for Klingons.