A bit of humour

[Cruiser Elite]

Three Aussie blokes working up on an outback mobile phone tower: Mongrel, Coot and Bluey .

As they start their descent, Coot slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly..

As the ambulance takes the body away, Bluey says, 'Well, bugger me, someone's gotta go and tell Coot's wife.

Mongrel says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.'

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Beer.

Bluey says, 'Where'd you get the grog, Mongrel?'

'Coot's wife gave it to me,' Mongrel replies.

'That's unbelievable, you told the Missus her husband was dead and she gave you a case of beer?'

'Well, not exactly', Mongrel says. 'When she answered the door, I said to her, "you must be Coot's widow."

She said, 'You must be mistaken.. I'm not a widow.'

Then I said, 'I'll betcha a case of beer you are..'

Aussies are good at that sensitive stuff.

 

[JohnM]

“Flight 1234”, advised air traffic control, “turn right 45 degrees for noise abatement.”

“Roger”, the pilot responded, “but we’re at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?”

“Sir”, replied the controller, “have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits an A380?”

 

[JohnM]

Why do 16 year-olds take sex education courses?

So they can learn what they’ve been doing wrong for the past three years.

 

[Major]

A Damn Fine Explanation


A wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom
making love to a very attractive young woman



And she was upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you
do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving
you. I want a divorce right away!'

And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can
tell you what happened.'

'Go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'

And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home,
and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and
defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.

I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told
me that she hadn't eaten for three days.

So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made
for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll
put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was
doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw
them away.

Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had
for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight.

I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you
don't wear because I don't have good taste.

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear
just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the
expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the
same.'

The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my
understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me
with tears in her eyes and said,
>
'Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?

 

[codash1099]

The next step?

 

[The Rok]

Eddie Lizzard - a classic

Eddie Izzard- Death Star Canteen - YouTube

 

[Hvr]

What do Molly Meldrum and the St Kilda football club have in common?



Neither of them can stay on top of the ladder.

 

[drron]

So I will try again-

 

[straitman]

Two Aussie blokes, Kev and Bruce die at the same time and find themselves
in Hell. The Devil pays them a visit to see how they're getting on and
finds them in shorts and t-shirts, enjoying a BBQ....

"Is this place not hot enough for you?" asks the Devil.

Bruce says "Oh mate..we're from Australia...we love the heat. It's like a
beaut summer's day."

Feeling angry, the Devil decides he'll fix these two and turns the heat up
to maximum. Everywhere in Hell, people are wailing and moaning from the
heat and satisfied with the result, the Devil decides to check back in on
the two Aussies.

He's furious to find Kev and Bruce flipping the snags on the barbie,
knocking back a couple of stubbies in their thongs and singlets, laughing
and chatting. "How can you guys be comfortable in this heat?" screams the
Devil. Everyone else in Hell is absolutely miserable, but you two are
actually enjoying it!"

"Awww come on mate...says Kev. I spent last summer in Darwin. It's actually
nice to have some dry heat for a change"

The Devil storms off, scheming how to fix these two. After thinking about
it for a while he hits on an idea. If the two Aussies love the heat so
much, he's gonna turn it all off, which he does. After a night without
heat, Hell is 40 below. Icicles are hanging off the roof and if the
residents were unhappy about the heat, they are now bitterly miserable from
the cold.

The next morning the Devil checks back in on the two Aussies. He finds them
jumping for joy, laughing and carrying on like they're having the time of
their lives. The Devil is beside himself with rage and screams "WHAT IS
GOING ON? How can you two be happy about this?"

Kev says...Mate, don't you know? Hell's frozen over!...the Dockers must have
won!

 

[Hvr]

[h=2][/h]

A little late but I am sure you'll appreciate the sentiment.


A TOUCHING CHRISTMAS STORY

A couple was Christmas shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve and the
mall was packed.

Walking through the mall the surprised wife looked up and noticed her
husband was no where around and she was very upset because they had a lot to do.

She used her mobile phone to call her husband because she was so
upset, to ask him where he was.

The husband in a calm voice said, honey remember the jewellery store
we went into 5 years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace
that we could not afford and I told you that I would get it for you one day.

His wife said crying, yes, I remember that jewellery store.

He said, well I'm in the bar right next to it.
​

 

[JohnM]

An 8 year old boy walks home from school each day past an 8 year old girl’s house. One day as he is passing by, carrying a football, he can’t resist taunting the girl. He holds up the football and says, “See this football? Football is a boy’s game and only boys can have a football.”

The little girl runs into her house and cries to her mother, “I want a football.” Being a modern woman, her mother gets her one.

The next day the girl is waiting for the boy and he rides up on his bike. She holds up the football, “Nah nah na nah nah.”

The little boy angrily points to his bike and says, “Oh yeah? Well this is a boy’s bike and only boys get boys’ bikes and you can’t have one.”

She runs to her mum and the next day is waiting for him on her new boys’ bike.

The little boy gets furious and pulls down his pants and points to his privates and says, “Look, only boys have these and your mum can’t buy you one.”

The next day he walks by and says, “That showed you!”

To which she promptly pulled up her dress, points to her privates and proclaims, “My mother tells me that as I have one of THESE, I can have as many of THOSE as I want!”

 

[anat0l]

Two Aussie blokes, Kev and Bruce die at the same time and find themselves
in Hell. The Devil pays them a visit to see how they're getting on and
finds them in shorts and t-shirts, enjoying a BBQ....

"Is this place not hot enough for you?" asks the Devil.

Bruce says "Oh mate..we're from Australia...we love the heat. It's like a
beaut summer's day."

Feeling angry, the Devil decides he'll fix these two and turns the heat up
to maximum. Everywhere in Hell, people are wailing and moaning from the
heat and satisfied with the result, the Devil decides to check back in on
the two Aussies.

He's furious to find Kev and Bruce flipping the snags on the barbie,
knocking back a couple of stubbies in their thongs and singlets, laughing
and chatting. "How can you guys be comfortable in this heat?" screams the
Devil. Everyone else in Hell is absolutely miserable, but you two are
actually enjoying it!"

"Awww come on mate...says Kev. I spent last summer in Darwin. It's actually
nice to have some dry heat for a change"

The Devil storms off, scheming how to fix these two. After thinking about
it for a while he hits on an idea. If the two Aussies love the heat so
much, he's gonna turn it all off, which he does. After a night without
heat, Hell is 40 below. Icicles are hanging off the roof and if the
residents were unhappy about the heat, they are now bitterly miserable from
the cold.

The next morning the Devil checks back in on the two Aussies. He finds them
jumping for joy, laughing and carrying on like they're having the time of
their lives. The Devil is beside himself with rage and screams "WHAT IS
GOING ON? How can you two be happy about this?"

Kev says...Mate, don't you know? Hell's frozen over!...the Dockers must have
won!

Replace Dockers with the Magpies and I'd be ROFLing like no tomorrow!

Of course, we all know that the Magpies have already won one...or two... :-|

 

[drron]

 

[The Rok]

Typical

 

[Flashback]

Typical

It is usually the other way around with the Irish being the silly ones! Eg. Irish invention, helicopter with an ejector seat or how do you confuse an Irishman? Put him in a circular room and tell him to go sit in the corner

Sent from my Transformer TF101 using AustFreqFly

 

[JohnM]

A man bought a new range of Olympic condoms. “There are three colours”, he told his wife, “Gold, silver and bronze.”

What colour are you going to wear tonight?” she asked.

“Gold, of course”, he replied proudly.

“Why don’t you wear silver?” she said. “It would be nice if you came second for a change!”

 

[straitman]

THIS WAS VOTED THE BEST SHORT JOKE OF 2011 (Supposedly)

For his birthday, little Joseph asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said 'Son we'd give you one but the mortgage on this house is £280,000 and your mother just lost her job.There's no way we can afford it.'

The next day the father saw little Joseph heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked 'Son where are you going?' Little Joseph told him; 'I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mum you were pulling out.

Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too.

And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a £280,000 mortgage and no bloody bike!

 

[Major]

Typical

This is a great story. I have seen this before, but using a US warship. I would tend to believe the US version
The last RN warship named Britannia was sunk in 1918 HMS Britannia - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

 

[QF WP]

HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR 2030

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world "Little India" formerly known as Australia.

Tasmania executes last remaining Greenie.

White minorities still trying to have English recognised as Australia's third language.

Children from two-parent heterosexual families bullied in schools for being 'different'. Tolerance urged.


Melbourne schoolgirl expelled for not wearing Burqa, being a Christian is no excuse says school. Sharia law must be enforced.

Japan announces that they will no longer consume whale meat as whales are now extinct and the scientific research fleet are unemployed. Australian Government has told the Japanese that Cane Toads taste like whale meat.

Australia now has ten Universities of Political Correctness.
Professor Goldman of ANU says there is still a long way to go in the fight to stop people saying what they think.

Australian Deficit $10 trillion dollars and rising. Government declares return to surplus in 100 years which is 300 years ahead of time. Prime Minister Mohammed Yousuf claims increased growth through more immigration is the secret to success.

Wall Street banks merge to form new super bank, Goldman, Rothschild, Ebeneezer, Epstein & Drescher (GREED). Huge bonuses paid to executives to celebrate launch.

Baby conceived naturally! Scientists amazed.


Iran still quarantined. Physicists estimate it will take at least ten more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

France pleads for global help after being taken over by Islamic Countries. No other country volunteers to come forward to help the beleaguered nation ! Serves them right.

Castro finally dies at age 112. Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

Jose Manuel Rodrigez Bush says he will run for second term as US President in 2032.

Australia Post raises price of stamps to $18 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

After a ten year $75.8 billion study, commissioned by the Labor Party, scientists prove diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.

Average weight of an Australian drops to 115 kgs.

Global cooling blamed for citrus crop failure for third consecutive year in Victoria India and New South Iraq.

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

Senate still blocking drilling in Canberra even though petrol is selling for 5,000 Rupees per litre and petrol stations are only open on Tuesdays and Fridays.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights. Victims to be held partly responsible for crime.

Average height of professional basketball players is now nine feet, seven inches.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2035 as lethal weapons.

Australian Tax Office sets lowest tax rate in decades at 75%.

Carlton won this years National Footy final beating the Hindu Hornets 20-11 to 13-18.

Southern Asia (formerly Northern Territory ) voters still having trouble with voting machines . . . ..

 

[SeatBackForward]

HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR 2030

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world "Little India" formerly known as Australia.

Tasmania executes last remaining Greenie.

White minorities still trying to have English recognised as Australia's third language.

Children from two-parent heterosexual families bullied in schools for being 'different'. Tolerance urged.


Melbourne schoolgirl expelled for not wearing Burqa, being a Christian is no excuse says school. Sharia law must be enforced.

Japan announces that they will no longer consume whale meat as whales are now extinct and the scientific research fleet are unemployed. Australian Government has told the Japanese that Cane Toads taste like whale meat.

Australia now has ten Universities of Political Correctness.
Professor Goldman of ANU says there is still a long way to go in the fight to stop people saying what they think.

Australian Deficit $10 trillion dollars and rising. Government declares return to surplus in 100 years which is 300 years ahead of time. Prime Minister Mohammed Yousuf claims increased growth through more immigration is the secret to success.

Wall Street banks merge to form new super bank, Goldman, Rothschild, Ebeneezer, Epstein & Drescher (GREED). Huge bonuses paid to executives to celebrate launch.

Baby conceived naturally! Scientists amazed.


Iran still quarantined. Physicists estimate it will take at least ten more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

France pleads for global help after being taken over by Islamic Countries. No other country volunteers to come forward to help the beleaguered nation ! Serves them right.

Castro finally dies at age 112. Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

Jose Manuel Rodrigez Bush says he will run for second term as US President in 2032.

Australia Post raises price of stamps to $18 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

After a ten year $75.8 billion study, commissioned by the Labor Party, scientists prove diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.

Average weight of an Australian drops to 115 kgs.

Global cooling blamed for citrus crop failure for third consecutive year in Victoria India and New South Iraq.

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

Senate still blocking drilling in Canberra even though petrol is selling for 5,000 Rupees per litre and petrol stations are only open on Tuesdays and Fridays.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights. Victims to be held partly responsible for crime.

Average height of professional basketball players is now nine feet, seven inches.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2035 as lethal weapons.

Australian Tax Office sets lowest tax rate in decades at 75%.

Carlton won this years National Footy final beating the Hindu Hornets 20-11 to 13-18.

Southern Asia (formerly Northern Territory ) voters still having trouble with voting machines . . . ..

And John Howard still strugglling to keep Australia in the 1950's ?