A bit of humour

[awilcockson]

Not actually a Joke..... But pretty funny if it wasn't you!

I laughed

 

[serfty]

Not actually a Joke..... But pretty funny if it wasn't you!

Dear Hotels (RE Your Showers) - Page 5
...

I did try not to laugh at that, but ended up with at least a smile.

Why do people laugh at the (non serious) misfortune of others, myself included.

 

[Maca44]

I did try not to laugh at that, but ended up with at least a smile.

Why do people laugh at the (non serious) misfortune of others, myself included.

I thought Reggie's event is a great intro to a pink panther script

 

[serfty]

I thought Reggie's event is a great intro to a pink panther script

I thought it was a Pink Panther Script.

"Inspector Boss Reggie, of the French Sûreté" ...

 

[Major]

5 PEARLS OF WISDOM TO REMEMBER.

1. Money cannot buy happiness but somehow, it's more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes Benz than it is on a bicycle.

2. Forgive your enemy but remember the cough's name.

3. Help a man when he is in trouble and he will remember you when he is in trouble again.

4. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them .

5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk.

 

[JohnM]

A man and is his wife went to the check-in desk of a budget airline.

"Do you have reservations?" asked the check-in person.

"Of course we have reservations," said the man, "but we're flying with you anyway."


Sent from my iPad using AustFreqFly app

 

[JohnM]

This guy has been sitting in a bar all night, staring at a blonde wearing the tightest pants he's ever seen. Finally his curiosity gets the better if him, so he walks over and asks, "How do you get into those pants?". The young woman looks him over and replies, "Well, you could start by buying me a drink."


Sent from my iPad using AustFreqFly app

 

[JohnM]

As an aircraft prepared for takeoff, the flight attendant concluded her announcement by saying, “On behalf of your Captain Jill Duncan, we wish you all a pleasant journey.”

A male passenger was appalled to hear that the plane had a woman pilot. When the attendant came around to make the final checks he said, “Is that right that this plane is being flown by a woman?”

“Yes”, replied the flight attendant politely. “In fact the entire crew is female.”

“In that case,” he grumbled, “I’ll need a stiff drink once we are under way. I don’t know what to think of all those women up there in the coughpit.”

“That’s another thing”, said the attendant. “We no longer call it the coughpit. Now it’s the box office.”

 

[Cruiser Elite]

Life isn't about how to survive the storm - but how to dance in the rain.

If you are having a bad day, remember it could be worse.....

 

[Cruiser Elite]

and......

 

[JohnM]

A little girl walked into a pet shop and asked with the sweetest little lisp: “Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?”

As the shopkeeper’s heart melted, he got down on his knees to her level and asked: “Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit or maybe one like the cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?”

The girl leaned forward and said in a quiet voice: “I don’t fink my pet pyfon weally gives a thit.”

 

[Foreigner]

From the Telegraph, UK.

 

[ColinP]

Re: VA Domestic De-boarding procedure

Given that languages evolve and draw off other languages shouldn't we embrace change rather sticking with phrases tied to older modes of transport?

All these historically maritime terms could be changed to?

Rudder = wiggly bit behind the sticky uppy bit at the back
coughpit = gender neutral driving position
bulkhead = wall
Main spar = wing holder on-er
compass = magnetic directional thingy
stringer = longitudinal strength thingy
rivet = holder togetherer
embark = emplane
disembark = disemplane
pitch = wiggle up and down
yaw = wiggle sideways
roll = lean over
airport = airline emplane and disemplane facility
pier = long thingy usually with travelators for walking to your aircraft
deck = floor
captain = boss coughy
crew = team
passenger = clients


I give up, the list is endless.:shock:

 

[QF WP]

When you're good you're good! But, it helps to be a little nuts too..


Some of these people are crazy...some just have serious thrill issues and must fill their veins, not blood. Others, the tricks are brilliant.

 

[JohnM]

A small plane crashed in remote mountains. The pilot and co-pilot walked around for days in search of food but could find nothing. Finally, the co-pilot announced: “I’m so hungry, I’m going to cut off my cough and eat it.”

“Before you do”, said the pilot, “think of your girlfriend.”

“What’s the point? At this rate I will never see her again anyway.”

“I know, but if you think of her first, hopefully there will be enough for both of us.”

 

[Foreigner]

From the Telegraph, UK

 

[straitman]

Night Before Christmas in Aussie land

'Twas the night before Christmas; there wasn't a sound.
Not a possum was stirring; no-one was around.
We'd left on the table some tucker and beer,
Hoping that Santa Claus soon would be here;

We children were snuggled up safe in our beds,
While dreams of pavlova danced 'round in our heads;
And Mum in her nightie, and Dad in his shorts,
Had just settled down to watch TV sports.

When outside the house a mad ruckus arose;
Loud squeaking and banging woke us from our doze.
We ran to the screen door, peeked cautiously out,
snuck onto the deck, then let out a shout.

Guess what had woken us up from our snooze,
But a rusty old Ute pulled by eight mighty 'roos.
The cheerful man driving was giggling with glee,
And we both knew at once who this plump bloke must be.

Now, I'm telling the truth it's all dinki-di,
Those eight kangaroos fairly soared through the sky.
Santa leaned out the window to pull at the reins,
And encouraged the 'roos, by calling their names.

'Now, Kylie! Now, Kirsty! Now, Shazza and Shane!
On Kipper! On, Skipper! On, Bazza and Wayne!
Park up on that water tank. Grab a quick drink,
I'll scoot down the gum tree. Be back in a wink!'

So up to the tank those eight kangaroos flew,
With the Ute full of toys, and Santa Claus too.
He slid down the gum tree and jumped to the ground,
Then in through the window he sprang with a bound.

He had bright sunburned cheeks and a milky white beard.
A jolly old joker was how he appeared.
He wore red stubby shorts and old thongs on his feet,
And a hat of deep crimson as shade from the heat.

His eyes - bright as opals - Oh! How they twinkled!
And, like a goanna, his skin was quite wrinkled!
His shirt was stretched over a round bulging belly
Which shook when he moved, like a plate full of jelly.

A fat stack of prezzies he flung from his back,
And he looked like a swaggie unfastening his pack.
He spoke not a word, but bent down on one knee,
To position our goodies beneath the yule tree.

Surfboard and footy-ball shapes for us two.
And for Dad, tongs to use on the new barbeque.
A mysterious package he left for our Mum,
Then he turned and he winked and he held up his thumb;

He strolled out on deck and his 'roos came on cue;
Flung his sack in the back and prepared to shoot through.
He bellowed out loud as they swooped past the gates-

MERRY CHRISTMAS to all, and goodonya, MATES!'​

 

[JohnM]

A guy working in a timber mill accidentally sheared off all ten fingers. At the hospital, the surgeon said: “Give me the fingers and I’ll see what I can do.”

“I haven’t got them”, said the man.

“Why not?” asked the surgeon. “This is 2011, we’ve got microsurgery and all kinds of amazing techniques. I could have put them back on and made you like new. Why didn’t you bring the fingers?”

The man said: “I couldn’t pick them up.”

 

[Major]

An Australian Love Poem.

(Who said Australians weren't romantic?)


Of course I love ya darlin
You're a bloody top-notch bird
And when I say you're gorgeous
I mean every single word.

So ya bum is on the big side
I don't mind a bit of flab
It means that when I'm ready
There's somethin there to grab.

So your belly isn't flat no more
I tell ya, I don't care
So long as when I cuddle ya
I can get my arms round there.

No Sheila who is your age
Has nice round perky breasts
Yurs just gave in to gravity
But I know ya did ya best.

I'm tellin' ya the truth now
I never tell ya lies
I think it’s very sexy, that
You've got dimples on ya thighs.

I swear on me nanna's grave now
The moment that we met
I thought you was as good
as I Was ever gonna get.

No matter what you look like
I'll always love ya dear
Now shut up while the cricket's &/or Footy’s on
And fetch another beer.

 

[JohnM]

Three women were on a flight when the captain suddenly announced, “Please prepare for a crash landing!”

The first woman immediately began putting on all her jewellery.

“Why are you doing that?” asked the other two.
“Well, when they come to rescue us they will see that I am rich and will rescue me first.”

The second woman, not wishing to be outdone, began removing her top and bra.

“Why are you doing that?” asked the other two.
“Well, when they come to rescue us they will see what great coughs I have and will pick me up first.”

Not wishing to be outdone, the third woman, who was West Indian, started taking off her skirt and panties.

“Why are you doing that?” asked the other two.
“Well, they always search for the black box first!”