A bit of humour

[QF WP]

Major and Cruiser Elite, excellent jokes!

straitman, thanks for the jerk back to reality

 

[Maca44]

Jeff and Johno are dying of thirst, but only have 50c between them.
So, they go to the butcher shop, buy a sausage and head to the local pub where they order two schooners of beer and down them quickly.
Before the barman askes for payment Jeff puts the sausage into his fly and Johno pretends to do you know what.
The barman freaks out and throws them out of the pub.
Ten pubs later Johno said "I can't do this anymore, my knees are killing me".
Jeff said, "forget your knees. I lost the sausage in the 2nd pub".

 

[Major]

This is brilliant in its simplicity................


A. Back off and let those men who want to marry men, marry men.

B. Allow those women who want to marry women, marry women.

C. In three generations, there will be no surviving Greens.

.....I love it when a plan comes together so simply.

 

[Major]

WHERE I HAVE AND HAVE NOT BEEN I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone. I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there. I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work. I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore. I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often. I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm. Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older. One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get! But one place I don’t ever want to be is in Continent.

 

[Major]

The room was full of pregnant women with their partners. The class was in full swing.

The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe and was telling the men how to give the necessary help and assurance to their partners at this stage of the pregnancy.
She said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier. Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path."

She looked at the men in the room, "Gentlemen, remember - you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."

The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information.

After a few moments, a man at the back of the room slowly raised his hand.

"Yes," said the instructor.

"I was just wondering, would it be all right if she carries a golf bag?

 

[straitman]

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 KPH. He says to himself, "this driver is just as dangerous as a speedster!"

So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies - two in the front seats and three in the back - wide eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"


"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly. Twenty-two kilometres an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly..


The Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that 22 was the highway number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error..



"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask.. is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't made a peep this whole time," the officer asks.

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Highway 189."

 

[JohnM]

This may help a few AFF members:

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted two dollars and asked, “If I give you this money will you buy beer with it instead?”

“No, I stopped drinking years ago”, the homeless man replied.

“Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?” the man asked.

“No, I don’t gamble”, the homeless man said. “I need everything I can get just to stay alive.”

“Will you spend the money on green fees at a golf course instead of food?”, the man asked.

Are you BLOODY NUTS?” replied the homeless man. “I haven’t played golf in 20 years.”

“Well”, said the man, I’m not going to give you two dollars. I’m going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife.”

The homeless man was astounded. “Won’t your wife be furious with you for doing that? I’m very dirty and I probably smeel pretty bad.”
The man replied, “That’s OK, mate. I just want her to see what a man who’s given up beer, gambling and golf looks like.”

 

[Cruiser Elite]

Irish Math Test

An Irishman wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test.
Here is your first question, the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."
"Without numbers?" The Irishman says? "Dat is easy." And proceeds to draw three trees.



"What's this?" the boss asks.
"Have you ain't got no brain? Tree and tree plus tree makes 9" says the Irishman.
"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."
The Irishman stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on
each tree... "Ere you go."



The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"
"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, plus dirty tree. Dat makes 99."
The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Irishman, so he says, "All right, last question.
Same rules again, but represent the number 100."
The Irishman stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of
each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred."



The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"
The Irishman leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and whispers, "A little dog come along
and poop by each tree.
So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes ONE HUNDRED!"

The Irishman is now head of Qantas

 

[JohnM]

There are three beggars begging on Wall St. The first beggar wrote “beggar” on his broken cup. He received $10 after a day.

The next day, the second beggar wrote “Beggar.com” on his cup. After one day, he received hundreds of thousands of dollars and an offer to float an IPO on NASDAQ.

The following day, the third beggar wrote “e-beg” on his cup. Microsoft, IBM and HP sent corporate vice-presidents to talk to him about strategic alliances and offered him free hardware and software consultancy.

In addition, it was reported on CNBC that e-beg uses 95% Oracle technology and that i2 announced the launch of BegTradeMatrix, a b2b industry portal offering supply chain integration in the beggar community.

 

[codash1099]

Procrastinator's Creed

1. I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.

2. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.

3. I will never rush into a job without a life-time of consideration.

4. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury I
could expect to receive from missing them.

5. I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies, astounding
discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations.

6. I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of
time given.

7. If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year.

8. I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.

9. I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word,
when I get around to it.

10. I will never put off tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.

 

[drron]

This may help a few AFF members:

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted two dollars and asked, “If I give you this money will you buy beer with it instead?”

“No, I stopped drinking years ago”, the homeless man replied.

“Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?” the man asked.

“No, I don’t gamble”, the homeless man said. “I need everything I can get just to stay alive.”

“Will you spend the money on green fees at a golf course instead of food?”, the man asked.

Are you BLOODY NUTS?” replied the homeless man. “I haven’t played golf in 20 years.”

“Well”, said the man, I’m not going to give you two dollars. I’m going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife.”

The homeless man was astounded. “Won’t your wife be furious with you for doing that? I’m very dirty and I probably smeel pretty bad.”
The man replied, “That’s OK, mate. I just want her to see what a man who’s given up beer, gambling and golf looks like.”

Real life in Vegas last night 2 very dirty,smelly fellows on the strip with signs-Why Lie,I will spend it on beer.As people passed they would sing-If youre happy and you know it give me a beer.

 

[QF WP]

Probably not humerous, but thought provoking:

A young lady confidently walked around the room while leading and explaining stress management to an audience; with raised glass of water; and everyone knew she was going to ask the ultimate question, 'half empty or half full?'..... she fooled them all... "How heavy is this glass of water?", she inquired with a smile. Answers called out ranged from 8 oz. to 20 oz.

She replied "The absolute weight doesn't matter. It depends on how long I hold it. If I hold it for a minute,that's not a problem. If I hold it for an hour, I'll have an ache in my right arm. If I hold it for a day, you'll have to call an ambulance. In each case it's the same weight, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes." She continued, "and that's the way it is with stress. If we carry our burdens all the time, sooner or later, as the burden becomes increasingly heavy, we won't be able to carry on."

"As with the glass of water, you have to put it down for a while and rest before holding it again. When we're refreshed, we can carry on with the burden - holding stress longer and better each time practiced. So, as early in the evening as you can, put all your burdens down. Don't carry them through the evening and into the night... pick them up tomorrow. Whatever burdens you're carrying now, let them down for a moment. Relax, pick them up later after you've rested. Life is short. Enjoy it and the now supposed stress that you've conquered!"

 

[Cruiser Elite]

Procrastinator's Creed

1. I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.

2. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.

3. I will never rush into a job without a life-time of consideration.

4. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them.

5. I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations.

6. I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given.

7. If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year.

8. I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.

9. I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it.

10. I will never put off tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.

 

[Cruiser Elite]

Blonde Moment

A blonde gets home from work early & hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.

She rushes upstairs only to find her husband naked lying on the bed, sweating and panting.

'What's up?' she asks. 'I think I'm having a heart attack,' - cries the husband..

The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's dialing, her four-year-old son comes up and says, "Mummy mummy Aunty Shirley is hiding in the wardrobe & she has no clothes on"

The blonde slams the phone down and storms back upstairs into the bedroom right past her husband.... Rips open the wardrobe door and sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the floor.

'You rotten cough', she screams. 'My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around naked playing hide and seek with the kids!!'

 

[straitman]

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple was involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they began to wonder if they could possibly get married in Heaven.

When St. Peter arrived, they asked him. St. Peter said, “I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out” and he left.

The couple sat and waited for an answer for a couple of months. While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all? “What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?”

Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. “Yes,” he informed the couple, “You can get married in Heaven.”

“Great!” said the couple. “But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?”

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.

“What’s wrong?” asked the frightened couple.

“OH COME ON!” St. Peter shouted. “It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take to find a f ****** lawyer?”

 

[codash1099]

Procrastinator's Creed

1. I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.

2. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.

3. I will never rush into a job without a life-time of consideration.

4. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them.

5. I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations.

6. I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given.

7. If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year.

8. I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.

9. I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it.

10. I will never put off tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.

Didn't I just say all that a couple of posts ago? Or is it deja vu all over again?

 

[Cruiser Elite]

Didn't I just say all that a couple of posts ago? Or is it deja vu all over again?

Sorry mate - yes I see your post now - sorry for repoting

 

[codash1099]

Sorry mate - yes I see your post now - sorry for repoting

That didn't take you long - you're obviously not a real procrastinator :mrgreen: (and I guess neither am I )

 

[Major]

Tony was 9 years old and was staying with his grandmother for a few days.

He'd been playing outside with the other kids, when he came into the house and asked her,

'Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same bedroom and one is on top of the other?

She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth.
'Well, dear, it's called sexual intercourse.
Oh, Little Tony said, 'OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily,

'Grandma,it isn't called sexual intercourse.
It's called Bunk Beds.

And Jimmy's mom wants to talk to you.

 

[straitman]

John Clarke, Bryan Dawes skit

[Scene: A car yard. BRYAN is perusing the stock. He is approached by JOHN]

John: Morning! Looking for a new car?

Bryan: Nope. New Prime Minister, actually.

John: You're the third one this morning. Anything in mind?

Bryan: You know...... nothing fancy, reliable, economical family model. Something to get the country from A to B.

John: You mean like a Howard?

Bryan: Yeah...a little Johnny. Nothing flash, does the job. Low maintenance, economical, sensible. Runs for years, no troubles.

John: So.... you used to have one?

Bryan: Yeah. About 10 years. Great little model - don't know why I got rid of him -- biggest mistake I've ever made.

John: What happened?

Bryan: Traded him in for a Kevin 07.

John: Big mistake.

Bryan: Lot of people bought it. Good political mileage.

John: How was the Kevin 07?

Bryan: Came with a $900 factory rebate - that was good.

John: Anything else?

Bryan: Not much. Sounded nice but nothing under the bonnet. It was a lemon.

John: Didn't stick around for long did it?

Bryan: Nah - had a factory recall. Shipped overseas and was never seen again.

John: What was the problem?

Bryan: Lots. But the final straw was the navigation system. Plug it in and it automatically loses its own way.

John: Whatcha got now?

Bryan: It's a Gillard-Brown.

John: The hybrid?

Bryan: Yeah. The Eco-drive system - not a good idea. An engine that can't deliver hooked up to a transmission stuck in permanent reverse.

John: Green paintwork with a red interior. And steering that always lurches to the left for no apparent reason - that's the one?

Bryan: The Fustercluck model.

John: The only one they made, Bryan. Not the vehicle of choice for the road to recovery - but did they finish up fixing the navigation system?

Bryan: Made it worse. Turn it on and it does a press release, heads off in all directions and goes nowhere.

John: So that's why you're here?

Bryan: That's right. I'm stuck with a car that's wasteful, expensive, ineffective and past its use by date. I don't suppose you've heard of the "Cash for Clunkers" scheme?

John: Join the queue brother.
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