A bit of humour

[QF WP]

Joe says to Paddy: "Close your curtains the next time you're shagging your wife. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."

Paddy says: "Well the joke's on them stupid coughs because I wasn't even at home yesterday."

*****

Paddy says to Mick - "I'm ready for a holiday, only this year I'm going to do it a bit different. 3 years ago I went to Spain and Mary got pregnant. 2 years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant. Last year I went to Majorca and Mary got pregnant."
Mick asks "So what are you going to do this year?"
Paddy replies "I'm gunna take her with me!"

*****

Paddy's in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him. "Did you find the shampoo?"
Paddy says, "yes but it's for dry hair and I've just wet mine."

 

[Major]

God created the dog and said:
'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'

The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'

So God agreed.

Then God created the monkey and said:

'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.'

The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'

And God agreed.

Then God created the cow and said:

'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'

The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years.. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'

And God agreed again.

Thereafter God created humans and said:

'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.'

But the human said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'

'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information.. I'm doing it as a public service.


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[QF WP]

The Queen and Julia Gillard (Australian PM) are on the same stage at the Sydney Opera House in front of a huge crowd. The Queen leaned towards Ms Gillard and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"

Gillard arrogantly replied, "I seriously doubt that, with one little wave of your hand you could do all that? Show me!"

So the Queen backhanded her.



P.S. The only problem was, the Queen was a week too early

 

[JohnM]

What did Adam say to Eve the first time they met?

"Stand back! I don't know how big this thing gets!"


What did the banana say to the vibrator?

"I don't why you're shaking. She's going to eat me!"

 

[codash1099]

In a nearly empty London pub on a filthy winter's day, there were
several patrons quietly drinking when in comes your stereotypical
American visitor, obviously unimpressed by the country, its
weather and everything else about it.

He says loudly: "What a lousy country. The bars are shut half the
time, it's cold, wet and windy, the beer tastes like piss and is
served at the same temperature, the streets are packed and you
can't even get a cab."

Several people quietly leave.

He looks at a gentleman quietly sipping a pink gin and says: "Hey
limey, how can you bear to live in such a miserable place?"

He is ignored, more people leave.

After some more of this only the gentleman with the pink gin, the
barman and the American are left in the pub.

He says: "Hey, limey: I'm talking to you. I've been to damn near
every country in the world and this is the lousiest. I dunno how
you can bear to live here. This country is just the asshole of
the world."

The gentleman with the pink gin pauses, takes another sip and,
turning, delicately enquires of the American:

"Oh, yes. Just passing through, are you?"

 

[codash1099]

A family took their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and left her, hoping she would be well cared for.

The next morning, the nurses bathed her, fed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt sideways in her chair.

Two attentive nurses immediately rushed up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt over to her other side.

The nurses rushed back and once more brought her back upright. This went on all morning.

Later, the family arrived to see how the old woman was adjusting to her new home. "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?"

"It's pretty nice," she replied. "Except they won't let me fart."

 

[Hvr]

Julia Gillard and Tony Abbott are sitting next to each other on a flight from Sydney to Canberra. Tony leans over to Julia and asks if she would like to play a fun game. Julia just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and turns towards the window to catch a few winks.

$5 and $50 Australian Note​

Tony persists and says that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and visa-versa." Again, Julia politely declines and tries to get some sleep.



Tony, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50!"



This catches Julia's attention. She also knows from her experiences with Tony in Parliament that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays. So Julia agrees to the game.



Tony asks the first question. "How much is the GST on a loaf of bread?" Julia doesn't say a word, reaches in to her wallet, pulls out $5 and hands it to Tony.
Now, it's Julia's turn. She asks Tony, "What hops, carries its young in its pouch and flies?"



Tony looks at Julia with a puzzled frown. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the Internet and the Commonwealth National Library. Frustrated, he sends emails to all his pals in the Liberal party and finally people in the One Nation party. All to no avail.



After over an hour, he wakes up Julia and hands her $50. Julia politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep.



Tony, who is more than a little miffed, wakes Julia again and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer!" Without a word, Julia Gillard reaches into her wallet, hands Tony Abbott $5, and goes back to sleep.

 

[Major]

A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge so they stopped. The leader, a big burly guy, gets off his bike and says, "Hey, honey, what are you doing?" "I'm going to commit suicide," she says. While he did not want to appear insensitive, he also didn't want to miss an opportunity so he asked... "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?" So she does... And it was a long, passionate, deep-tongued, lingering, thrilling kiss. After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are going to waste. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?" "My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"

 

[JohnM]

A man and his wife were having sex. Fifteen minutes passed, then thirty, then forty-five. The sweat was pouring off them and it was becoming increasingly apparent that neither was going to reach cough.

Finally the wife said: "What's the matter darling, can't you think of anyone else either?"

 

[Major]

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[TD] Teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when theycould discuss his use of the car.
His father said he'd make a deal with his son, “You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your haircut. Then we'll talk about the car.”
The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.
After about six weeks his father said, “Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut.”
The boy said, “You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.”

Dad,
“Did you also notice they all walked everywhere?”
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[Major]

I met a fairy today who granted me one wish.

"I want to live forever" I said.

"Sorry" said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that, try something else.”

"Fine" I said, "I don't want to die until Julia Gillard is re-elected as Prime Minister".

"You're a shifty little cough, aren’t you?" said the fairy.

 

[Cruiser Elite]

The woman applying for a job in a lemon orchard seemed to be far too qualified for the job; given her liberal arts degree from the Sydney University and her jobs as a social worker and school teacher.

The foreman frowned and said, "I have to ask you this: "Have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?"

"Well, as a matter of fact, I have!" - "I've been divorced three times, owned 2 Falcons, barrack for Collingwood, and I voted for Julia Gillard."

 

[Cruiser Elite]

Dear Diary

 

[Cruiser Elite]

My wife told me to go out and get something to help me get an erection!

I did............ her name is Abegail

 

[QF WP]

The 1st Affair:

A married man was having an affair
With his secretary. One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.

'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.

'I can't lie to you,' he replied, 'I'm having an affair with my secretary..
We had sex all afternoon.'

She looked down at his shoes and said: 'You lying cough! You've been playing golf!'


The 2nd Affair

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.

They decided to try one last time
for the son they always wanted. The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He told his wife: 'There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?'

The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
'No, not this time!'


The 3rd Affair

A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!

'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician
commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity.'

So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase and took it home.

'I have something to show you darling, you won't believe,' he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.

'My God!' the wife exclaimed, 'Schwartz is dead!'


The 4th Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. 'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'

She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder. 'Don't move until I tell you,' she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'

'What's this?' the husband inquired as he entered the room..

'Oh it's a statue,' she replied. 'The Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too.'

No more was said, not even when they went to bed. Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.

'Here,' he said to the statue, 'have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing.'


The 5th Affair

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.

'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'

'One Cent?' the man exclaimed...

He glanced at the menu and asked: 'How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?'

'A nickel,' the barman replied.

'A nickel?' exclaimed the man. 'Where's the guy who owns this place?'

The bartender replied: 'Upstairs, with my wife.'

The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs with your wife?'

The bartender replied: 'The same thing I'm doing to his business down here.'


The 6th & Best Affair

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly: 'I have something I must confess.'

'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.

'No,' he insisted, 'I want to die in peace...I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!'

'I know,' she replied. 'Now just rest and let the poison work.'

 

[Cruiser Elite]

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day.

All the patients were shouting, '13....13....13.'

The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see what was going on.....

Some crazy cough poked me in the eye with a stick!

Then they all started shouting '14....14....14'...

 

[markis10]

google "do a barrel roll"

 

[straitman]

Understanding the World financial crisis

Heidi is the proprietor of a bar in Ottawa.


She realizes that virtually all of her customers are unemployed alcoholics and as such can no longer afford to patronize her bar.

To solve this problem she comes up with a new marketing plan that allows her customers to drink now, but pay later.

Heidi keeps track of the drinks consumed on a ledger (thereby granting the customers' loans).

Word gets around about Heidi's "drink now, pay later" marketing strategy and as a result increasing numbers of customers flood into Heidi's bar. Soon she has the largest sales volume for any bar in Ottawa.

By providing her customers freedom from immediate payment demands Heidi gets no resistance when, at regular intervals, she substantially increases her prices for wine and beer, the most consumed beverages.

Consequently, Heidi's gross sales volume increases massively.

A young and dynamic vice-president at the local bank recognizes that these customer debts constitute valuable future assets and increases Heidi's borrowing limit.

He sees no reason for any undue concern since he has the debts of the unemployed alcoholics as collateral!!!

At the bank's corporate headquarters expert traders figure a way to make huge commissions and transform these customer loans into DRINK BONDS.

These "securities" then are bundled and traded on international securities markets.

Naive investors don't really understand that the securities being sold to them as "AAA Secured Bonds" really are debts of unemployed alcoholics. Nevertheless, the bond prices continuously climb and the securities soon become the hottest-selling items for some of the nation's leading brokerage houses.

One day, even though the bond prices still are climbing, a risk manager at the original local bank decides that the time has come to demand payment on the debts incurred by the drinkers at Heidi's bar. He so informs Heidi.

Heidi then demands payment from her alcoholic patrons, but being unemployed alcoholics they cannot pay back their drinking debts.

Since Heidi cannot fulfill her loan obligations she is forced into bankruptcy. The bar closes and Heidi's 11 employees lose their jobs.

Overnight, DRINK BOND prices drop by 90%.

The collapsed bond asset value destroys the bank's liquidity and prevents it from issuing new loans, thus freezing credit and economic activity in the community.

The suppliers of Heidi's bar had granted her generous payment extensions and had invested their firms' pension funds in the BOND securities.

They find they are now faced with having to write off her bad debt and with losing over 90% of the presumed value of the bonds.

Her wine supplier also claims bankruptcy, closing the doors on a family business that had endured for three generations, her beer supplier is taken over by a competitor, who immediately closes the local plant and lays off 150 workers.

Fortunately though, the bank, the brokerage houses and their respective executives are saved and bailed out by a multibillion dollar no-strings attached cash infusion from the government.

The funds required for this bailout are obtained by new taxes levied on employed, middle & upper-class, nondrinkers who have never been in Heidi's bar.

Now do you understand the economic crisis?

 

[Major]

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O British Humour is Different... These are classified ads, which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers: FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 years old, Hateful little cough. Bites! FREE PUPPIES 1/2 cougher Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour's dog. FREE PUPPIES. Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd. Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound. COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED. Also 1 gay bull for sale. JOINING NUDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and dryer £100. WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE . Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie. **** And the WINNER is... **** FOR SALE BY OWNER. Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything. Statement of the Century Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker--Billy Connolly. "If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, How come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?"

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[Cruiser Elite]

1. My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30 this morning, can you believe that? 2:30am? Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

2. The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.

3. Paddy says, "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador. "Really," says Mick "Have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

4. I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.

5. My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker........... Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

6 . The wife has been missing for a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

7 . A mate of mine admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.

8 . I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin. Three hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, .......... "These guys have lost the plot!"

9 . My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were $70. "Blow this," I thought,....... "I can get one cheaper off the web."

10. Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy. (Think about it!)

11 . I start a new job in Seoul next week........Yeah, I thought it was a good Korea move.

12 . I was driving this morning when I saw an RACV (Motoring association) van parked on the side of the road. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself, ..........."That guy's gotta be heading for a breakdown."