A bit of humour

[Major]

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[TD]REPLACEMENT WINDOWS


Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive, double-pane, energy-efficient kind.

Today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He complained that the work had been completed a year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.

Hellloooo,............just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast-talking sales guy told me last year... that these windows would pay for themselves in a year,,, Helllooooo? It's been a year, so they're paid for, I told him.. There was only silence at the other end of the line,
so I finally hung up. He never called back. I bet
he felt like an idiot.
** .
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[QF WP]

A JEWISH MOTHER ON JEWISH DIVORCE ...

A Jewish daughter says to her mother, "I'm divorcing Irv. All he wants is sex, sex and more sex.My cough is now the size of a 50-cent piece when it used to be the size of a nickel."

Her mother says "You're married to a multi-millionaire businessman. You live in an 8 Bedroom mansion, you drive a $250,000 Ferrari, you get $2,000 a week allowance, you take 6 vacations a year and you want to throw all that away...Over 45 cents?"

Now that's a Jewish mother!!!

 

[JohnM]

A JEWISH MOTHER ON JEWISH DIVORCE ...

A Jewish daughter says to her mother, "I'm divorcing Irv. All he wants is sex, sex and more sex.My cough is now the size of a 50-cent piece when it used to be the size of a nickel."

Her mother says "You're married to a multi-millionaire businessman. You live in an 8 Bedroom mansion, you drive a $250,000 Ferrari, you get $2,000 a week allowance, you take 6 vacations a year and you want to throw all that away...Over 45 cents?"

Now that's a Jewish mother!!!

There's also Greek mother version of this one that I shall not elaborate...

 

[drron]

I like the new pork ad-
TV Campaign

 

[QF WP]

Junior was at school this morning and the teacher asked all the children
what there fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came out,
Fireman, Policeman, Salesman, Chippy, Captain of Industry etc. But
Junior was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him
about his father.

'My father is an exotic pole dancer in a gay club and takes off all his
clothes in front of other men. Sometimes if the offer is really good,
he'll go out with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them sleep with
him.'

The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took little
Junior aside to ask him if that was really true.

'No' said Junior, 'He plays rugby league for NZ, but I was just too
embarrassed to say.'

 

[Major]

One day in the future, Barack Obama has a heart attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him. "I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves." Obama thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room. In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dived in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell. "No," Obama said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day long." The devil led him to the door of the next room. In it was Al Gore with a huge shovel , stoking a white-hot furnace. All he did was stoke the fire, shovelling coal all the time. "No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was shovel coal all day," commented Obama. The devil opened a third door. Through it, Obama saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. Obama looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah man, I can handle this." The devil smiled and said, "OK, Monica, you're free to go."

 

[serfty]

...

'No' said Junior, 'He plays rugby league for NZ, but I was just too
embarrassed to say.

Shouldn't that be 'He plays rugby [-]league[/-] for [-]NZ[/-]Australia, but I was just too
embarrassed to say.

 

[markis10]

LOL http://aviationhumor.net/you-know-youve-been-flying-too-much-when/

My favorites:

You roll down the window and shout CLEAR before starting your car

You pull out of your driveway and start to drive with your car centered on the dashed line

You tell the cop who pulled you over that you are allowed to go up to 250 below 10,000

As your merging onto the highway, you pull back on the wheel and dont get airborne. In panic, you abort the takeoff, and hit the breakes (This drives the guy in close trail with you crazy)

You get out of your car and start looking for the tiedown ropes.

 

[drewbles]

Junior was at school this morning and the teacher asked all the children
what there fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came out,
Fireman, Policeman, Salesman, Chippy, Captain of Industry etc. But
Junior was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him
about his father.

'My father is an exotic pole dancer in a gay club and takes off all his
clothes in front of other men. Sometimes if the offer is really good,
he'll go out with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them sleep with
him.'

The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took little
Junior aside to ask him if that was really true.

'No' said Junior, 'He plays rugby league for NZ, but I was just too
embarrassed to say.'

I never knew you knew how to Pole Dance Lindsay

 

[Major]

CHINESE SICK LEAVE : 'I NO COME WORK TODAY!!!'

Hung Chow calls into work and says, 'Hey, I no come work
Today, I really sick . Got headache, stomach ache and legs
hurt, I no come work.'
The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really
need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my
wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything
better and I go to work.. You try that.'

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what you
say and I feel great. I be at work soon.........
You got nice house'



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[Princess Fiona]

10 years ago the USA had Steve Jobs, Bob Hope and Johnny Cash.

Now they have no Jobs, no Hope and no Cash.


ROTHLMAO


Where do people think of these things???

This is an earlier one from a friends Facebook

 

[anat0l]

This may be an array of funny pictures and what not, but in reality it's just me trying to test out SkyDrive and hotlinking.

Enjoy!

SkyDrive files have got pretty long URLs...

 

[QF WP]

Actually, this is less about humour...

Tom Hanks narrates the epic story of the 9/11 boatlift that evacuated half a million people from the stricken piers and seawalls of Lower Manhattan.

BOATLIFT, An Untold Tale of 9/11 Resilience

I'll admit that I had a tear in my eye and a lump in my throat by the end of it.

 

[QF WP]

Alan Simpson, Senator from Wyoming , Co-Chair of Obama's deficit commission, calls senior citizens the Greediest Generation as he compared "Social Security" to a Milk Cow with 310 million teats. August, 2010.
​

Here's a response in a letter from PATTY MYERS in Montana ... I think she is a little ticked off! She also tells it like it is!

Listen up. Direct from Ms Myers
​

"Hey Alan, let's get a few things straight..
​

1. As a career politician, you have been on the public dole for FIFTY YEARS.

​

2. I have been paying Social Security taxes for 48 YEARS (since I was 15 years old, I am now 63).

​

3 My Social Security payments, and those of millions of other Americans, were safely tucked away in an interest bearing account for decades until you political pukes decided to raid the account and give OUR money to a bunch of zero ambition losers in return for votes, thus bankrupting the system and turning Social Security into a Ponzi scheme that would have made Bernie Madoff proud.

4. Recently, just like Lucy & Charlie Brown, you and your ilk pulled the proverbial football away from millions of American seniors nearing retirement and moved the goalposts for full retirement from age 65 to age 67. NOW, you and your shill commission is proposing to move the goalposts YET AGAIN.

5. I, and millions of other Americans, have been paying into Medicare from Day One, and now you morons propose to change the rules of the game. Why? Because you idiots mismanaged other parts of the economy to such an extent that you need to steal money from Medicare to pay the bills.

6. I, and millions of other Americans, have been paying income taxes our entire lives, and now you propose to increase our taxes yet again. Why? Because you incompetent coughs spent our money so profligately that you just kept on spending even after you ran out of money. Now, you come to the American taxpayers and say you need more to pay off YOUR debt. To add insult to injury, you label us "greedy" for calling "bull****" on your incompetence.

Well, Captain Bull****, I have a few questions for YOU:

1. How much money have you earned from the American taxpayers during your pathetic 50-year political career?

2. At what age did you retire from your pathetic political career, and how much are you receiving in annual retirement benefits from the American taxpayers?

3. How much do you pay for YOUR government provided health insurance?

​

4. What cuts in YOUR retirement and healthcare benefits are you proposing in your disgusting deficit reduction proposal, or, as usual, have you exempted yourself and your political cronies?

It is you, Captain Bull****, and your political co-conspirators called Congress who are the "greedy" ones. It is you and your fellow nutcases who have bankrupted America and stolen the American dream from millions of loyal, patriotic taxpayers. And for what? Votes. That's right, sir. You and yours have bankrupted America for the sole purpose of advancing your pathetic political careers. You know it, we know it, and you know that we know it.

And you can take that to the bank, you miserable son of a cough​

 

[QF WP]

I have four extra tickets for the Robbie Knievel (son of Evil Knievel) who will be flying into Australia to stage an Event at the Sydney Cricket Grounds next weekend, if anybody wants them.

Robbie is going to try to jump over Julia Gillard & 100 of her colleagues with a Caterpillar D-9 bulldozer.

 

[anat0l]

I have four extra tickets for the Robbie Knievel (son of Evil Knievel) who will be flying into Australia to stage an Event at the Sydney Cricket Grounds next weekend, if anybody wants them.

Robbie is going to try to jump over Julia Gillard & 100 of her colleagues with a Caterpillar D-9 bulldozer.

View attachment 4265

Me thinks there are plenty on this forum who would pay big money to see that act for real.

And see him fail the jump for real.

And possibly toss Alan Joyce in with the mix.

And this is not a joke.



Now back to the humour....



----------
This anat0l content, if it must be known,
Was sent via Aust Freq Fly app, but not from an iPhone.

 

[Flashback]

Me thinks there are plenty on this forum who would pay big money to see that act for real.

And see him fail the jump for real.

And possibly toss Alan Joyce in with the mix.

And this is not a joke.



Now back to the humour....



----------
This anat0l content, if it must be known,
Was sent via Aust Freq Fly app, but not from an iPhone.

Get up on the wrong side of the bed this morning D2?

 

[anat0l]

Get up on the wrong side of the bed this morning D2?

I'm running on low sleep, but by reading the forums it's probably not too far from the truth.

Thought this was supposed to be humour only here....



----------
This anat0l content, if it must be known,
Was sent via Aust Freq Fly app, but not from an iPhone.

 

[QF WP]

No, he's being honest

 

[Cruiser Elite]

Seinfeld fans

Noted in the ATO Payments thread that cove is a Seinfeld tragic - as am I.

A coupla years back bought the full boxed set of all 9 series / every single episode at the Silk Market in Beijing - 27 discs IIRC @ RMB10 / disc = Total RMB270.

Starting watching from S1 / E1 with Cruiserette and loved it - then when I peeled out 1st disc from S3



Then the 1st disc in S4



Content was indeed Seinfeld - just graphics less than accurate - aint this just 'Oh So Chinese'