A bit of humour

[codash1099]

Steve Jobs just passed away.. I wonder if he saw his life flash before his eyes just before he died.

Oh wait …. he doesn't support Flash :shock:

Will he be buried in an iCasket?

 

[QF WP]

Oh this is Gold, absolute Gold...rant about USA budget from a disgruntled taxpayer

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-mAUQYn6DjM

 

[Flashback]

Two unemployed cancer cells are talking, one says to the other "Hey - Let's go get Jobs"

 

[QF WP]

Keep the jokes coming - they feed a hungry crowd of retirees once a month who meet to play poker. Heard quite a deal of laughter as they read them yesterday

 

[Major]

THE BLONDE AND THE LORD

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the ice.

After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed,

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again from the heavens the voice bellowed,

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end of the ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her hole.

The voice came once more,

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

She stopped, looked skyward, and said,
"IS THAT YOU LORD?"

The voice replied,


"No, this is the manager of the hockey rink.."

 

[TiredOldFlyer]

A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."​

· "That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."​

 

[TiredOldFlyer]

"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr​

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· "He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill​

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· "I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." Clarence Darrow​

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· "He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).​

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· "Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas​

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· "I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain​

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· "He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.." - Oscar Wilde​

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· "I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill​

· "Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second ... if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in response.​

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· "I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop​

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· "He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright​

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· "I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb​

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· "He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson​

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· "He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating​

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· "In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand​

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· "He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker​

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· "Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain​

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· "His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West​

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· "Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." - Oscar Wilde​

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· "He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)​

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· "He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder​

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· "I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx ​

 

[codash1099]

1. The wife was counting all the loose change out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself "She's going through the change."

2. When I was in the pub I heard a couple of dickheads saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman. What a pair of sexist tw@ts I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing!

3. Little Johnny is sitting in geography class when the teacher asks him, "Where is Pakistan ?" He replies, "Outside playing with Paki-Dave".

4. Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter’, who has stabbed six people in the cough in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.

5. Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!

6. A teddy bear is working on a building site.
He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen.
The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman.
The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked."

7. Murphy says to Devlin "What ya talkin to an envelope for?" "I'm sending a voicemail ya thick sod!"

8. Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.

9. 19 Irishmen go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?" Mick replies, "The film said 18 or over."

10. An Asian fellow has moved in next door. He has travelled the world, swum with sharks, wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain. It came as no surprise to learn his name is Bindair Dundat.

 

[drewbles]

Will he be buried in an iCasket?

For those not invited to the funeral or memorial, Apple will release an iMourn app.

 

[drewbles]

Keep the jokes coming - they feed a hungry crowd of retirees once a month who meet to play poker. Heard quite a deal of laughter as they read them yesterday

didihearthewordpoker?!?!

We really do need to do an AFF poker night. I'm sure people will fly for it (and it's quite convenient i'm a trained poker dealer in one life )

 

[QF WP]

Hmmm, never played a live poker match (always online) but I'm more into no limit or limit hold 'em. Watch it on TV or have seen it played live....

I used to play 21 at Casino's before I stopped spending money on gambling (family comes first)

 

[drewbles]

Hmmm, never played a live poker match (always online) but I'm more into no limit or limit hold 'em. Watch it on TV or have seen it played live....

I used to play 21 at Casino's before I stopped spending money on gambling (family comes first)

I typically deal No Limit and Limit Holdem. Have been known to do PLO as well (Pot Limit Omaha).

In addition I also do Blackjack and money wheel. This, in addition to being an awesome Tournament Director for poker events

Perhaps this should be an excuse to arrange a live AFF game (sadly, I do not currently have a poker table; used to own a casino-style one which is best for me when dealing; round tables aren't so crash hot for me; although I do have a proper ex-Crown blackjack table )

Will contemplate arranging something in the new year (rest of this year is a write-off for me).

 

[Flashback]

For those not invited to the funeral or memorial, Apple will release an iMourn app.

I heard the news shook Apple to the core.

 

[drewbles]

I heard the news shook Apple to the core.

My sources at Cupertino tell me that Apple are considering suing $DEITY....

 

[straitman]

True Friendship...

...SCOTTISH STYLE!!
(None of that Sissy ****e)

Are ye tired of those piss weak 'friendship' poems that always sound good, but never actually come close to reality? Well, here are a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship... You will see no cute wee smiley faces on this card . Just the stone cold truth of a great friendship. 1. When ye are sad -- I will help you get pissed and plot revenge against the cough who made ye sad. 2. When ye are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking ye. 3. When ye smile -- I will know ye are thinking of something that I would probably want to be involved in. 4. When ye are scared -- I will shake the piss out of ye every chance I get, until you're NOT. 5. When ye are worried -- I will tell ye stories about how much worse it could be until YE STOP YER WHINING! 6... When yer confused -- I will try to use only wee words. 7... When ye are sick -- Stay the cough away from me until ye are well again. I don't want whatever ye've got. 8... When ye fall, I will laugh my effin head off at you, you clumsy cough, .......but I'll help you up. 9... This is my oath.... I pledge it to the end. 'Why?' you may ask; Because you are my friend. Friendship is like pissing your pants, everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth... Send this to 10 o' yer closest friends, Then get depressed because ye can only think of 4.

 

[codash1099]

Steve Jobs' funeral will be held next week, after which he will be reburied every six months in a slightly better coffin.

 

[nlagalle]

"Contains No Artificial Comfort or Sympathy"





Man Flu - The Facts...

1. Man-Flu is more painful than childbirth. This is an irrefutable scientific fact*.
*(Based on a survey of over 100,000 men.)

2. Man-Flu is not 'just a cold'. It is a condition so severe that the germs from a single Man-Flu sneeze could wipe
out entire tribes of people living in the rainforest. And probably loads of monkeys too.

3. Women do not contract Man-Flu. At worst they suffer from what is medically recognised as a 'Mild Girly Sniffle' -
which, if a man caught, he would still be able to run, throw a ball, tear the phone book in half and compete in all
other kinds of manly activities.

4. Men do not 'moan' when they have Man-Flu. They emit involuntary groans of agony that are entirely in proportion
to the unbearable pain they are in.

5. Full recovery from Man-Flu will take place much quicker if their simple requests for care,
sympathy and soup are catered for. Is that really so much to ask?

6. More men die each year from MFN (Man-Flu Neglect) than lots and lots of other things.
(Like rabbit attacks or choking on toast).

7. Men suffering from Man-Flu want nothing more than to get out of bed and come to work,
but they are too selfless to risk spreading this awful condition amongst their friends and colleagues.
In this sense, they are the greatest heroes this country has ever known.

8. In 1982 scientists managed to simulate the agonising symptoms of full blown Man-Flu in a female chimp.
She became so ill that her head literally fell off.

9. Man-Flu germs are more powerful than He-Man, The Thundercats and The A-Team combined.
They are too strong for weak, nasty tasting 'lady medicines' like Lemsip, so don't bother trying to force them
on a victim of Man-Flu.

10. While it may seem like a Man-Flu sufferer is just lying around enjoying 'Two and a Half Men" it is a
commonly recognised medical fact that the exact pitch and frequency of Charlie Sheen's voice has remarkable
soothing powers.

Every minute in this country one man is struck down by Man-Flu. Women, all we ask is that each of you offers
them soup, some kind words and your undivided attention and care. Then maybe, just maybe,
we'll beat this monstrous disease together.

 

[QF WP]

10 years ago the USA had Steve Jobs, Bob Hope and Johnny Cash.

Now they have no Jobs, no Hope and no Cash.


ROTHLMAO


Where do people think of these things???

 

[Flashback]

We know that RIM was never a big fan of Jobs or his iPhone, but they've remembered him by giving 3 days of silence (BlackBerry Service Update)

 

[Flashback]

We know that RIM was never a big fan of Jobs or his iPhone, but they've remembered him by giving 3 days of silence (BlackBerry Service Update)

Also............ RIP RIM :mrgreen: