A bit of humour

[QF WP]

For all the Rugby World Cup 2011 tragic's out there :!:

Whoops, that'd be me

 

[straitman]

Whoops, that'd be me

Funny.

Just the person I thought of when I posted.

 

[QF WP]

An old Greek man lived alone in Marrickville. He wanted to dig his tomato garden, but it was hard work for his advanced years as the ground was very hard.
His only son, Spiro, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.
Dear Spiro,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year.
I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot.
If you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.
Love Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Papa,
Don't dig up the garden.
That's where I buried the bodies.
Love Spiro

At 4 A.M., the next morning, Federal agents and NSW Police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.
That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Papa,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love Spiro

 

[Flashback]

DIVORCE AGREEMENT

THIS IS SO INCREDIBLY WELL PUT AND I CAN HARDLY BELIEVE IT'S BY A YOUNG PERSON, A STUDENT!!!
WHATEVER HE RUNS FOR, I'LL VOTE FOR HIM.

Dear Australian Laborites, leftists, social progressives, socialists, Marxists and Gillard, et al:

We have stuck together since the late 1950's for the sake of the kids, but the whole of this latest election process has made me realize that I want a divorce. I know we tolerated each other for many years for the sake of future generations, but sadly, this relationship has clearly run its course.

Our two ideological sides of Australia cannot and will not ever agree on what is right for us all, so let's just end it on friendly terms. We can smile and chalk it up to irreconcilable differences and go our own way

Here is a model separation agreement:
Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by landmass each taking a similar portion. That will be the difficult part, but I am sure our two sides can come to a friendly agreement. After that, it should be relatively easy! Our respective representatives can effortlessly divide other assets since both sides have such distinct and disparate tastes.

We don't like redistributive taxes so you can keep them. You are welcome to the ACTU, the Fabian Society and every member of Emily’s List. Since you hate guns and war, we'll take our firearms, the cops and the military. We'll take the nasty, smelly oil industry and you can go with wind, solar and biodiesel. You can keep the ABC left wingers (particularly Kerry O'Brien) and Bob Brown. You are, however, responsible for finding an electric vehicle big enough to move all of them.

We'll keep capitalism, greedy corporations, pharmaceutical companies, Woolworths and the Stock Exchange. You can have your beloved lifelong welfare dwellers, dole bludgers, homeless, homeboys, hippies, druggies and boat people. We'll keep the budgie smuggling, bike riding, volunteer firemen and lifesavers, greedy CEOs and rednecks. We'll keep the Bibles and the churches and give you SBS and the Greens.

You can make peace with Iran, Palestine and the Taliban and we'll retain the right to stand up and fight when threatened. You can have the greenies and war protesters. When our allies or our way of life are under assault, we'll help provide them security.

We'll keep our Judeo-Christian values. You are welcome to Islam, Scientology, Humanism, political correctness and Penny Wong. You can also have the U.N. But we will no longer be paying the bill.

We'll keep the 4WDs, utes and V8s. You can take every hybrid hatchback you can find.

We'll keep "Waltzing Matilda" and our National Anthem. I'm sure you'll be happy to keep in tune with Peter Garrett as he sings "Imagine", "I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing", "cough Ba Ya", "We Are The World" and his recent big solo hit “Beds and Batts are Burning.”

We'll practice trickle down economics and you can continue to give trickle up poverty your best shot. Since it so often offends you, we'll keep our history, our name and our flag.

Would you agree to this? If so, please pass it along to other like-minded conservative Australians and if you do not agree, just hit delete. In the spirit of friendly parting, I'll bet you answer which one of us will need whose help in 15 years.

Sincerely,
John Wall
Australian Law Student

PS. Also, please take Lindsey Tanner, Wayne Swan, Alan Griffin, John Faulkner, Kevin Rudd, and Jenny Macklin with you.

PSS. And you won't have to press 1 for English when you call our country.

 

[QF WP]

Wasn't going to scan or search 1300+ posts to see if this has already been posted, but for those that haven't seen it (it's an oldie going around again):

HELL EXPLAINED
BY A CHEMISTRY STUDENT​

The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona chemistry mid term, and an actual answer turned in by a student.

The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?


Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.


One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely.. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.


This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct..... ....leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.' ​

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+

 

[anat0l]

Wasn't going to scan or search 1300+ posts to see if this has already been posted, but for those that haven't seen it (it's an oldie going around again):

The more humorous aspect is to see how many non-scientific-background members here will actually get the "joke"!

The "joke" has also been presented as coming from other institutions, and someone actually argued that Hell is endothermic (because their reference 'girl' still hasn't slept with them, so Hell hadn't frozen over by that time), i.e. the converse of this conclusion.

Another person argued at one time it's impossible for engineers to go to Hell, because if there were an engineer in Hell, with all the free thermal energy about, an engineer could do some useful work from all that heat energy, make cheap air conditioners and then Hell wouldn't be such a bad place after all. (In saying that, we probably all know one or two engineers who should be in Hell!)

This question appeared in my first year engineering textbook (different to what the current first year engineering draft uses as their text now). Thankfully, we never had to answer that question, no tutor ever had to explain that question, and it never appeared on our final exam!

 

[codash1099]

Today's scientific question is: What in the world is electricity? And where does it go after it leaves the toaster?

Here is a simple experiment that will teach you an important electrical lesson. On a cool, dry day, scuff your feet along a carpet, then reach your hand into a friend's mouth and touch one of his dental fillings.

Did you notice how your friend twitched violently and cried out in pain? This teaches us that electricity can be a very powerful force, but we must never use it to hurt others unless we need to learn an important electrical lesson.

It also teaches us how an electrical circuit works, when you scuffed your feet, you picked up a batch of "electrons," which are very small objects that carpet manufactures weave into carpets so they will attract dirt. The electrons travel through your blood stream and collect in your finger, where they form a spark that leaps to your friend's filling, then travels down to his feet and back into the carpet, thus completing the circuit.

AMAZING ELECTRONIC FACT: If you scuffed your feet long enough without touching anything, you would build up so many electrons that your finger would explode! But this is nothing to worry about, unless you have carpeting.

Although we modern persons tends to take our electric lights, radios, mixers, etc. for granted, hundreds of years ago people did not have any of these things, which is just as well because there was no place to plug them in. Then along came the first Electrical Pioneer, Benjamin Franklin, who flew a kite in a lightning storm and received a serious electrical shock. This proved that lightning was powered by the same force as carpets, but it also damaged Franklin's brain so severely that he started speaking only in incomprehensible maxims, such as, "A penny saved is penny earned." Eventually, he had to be given a job running the post office.

After Franklin, came a herd of Electrical Pioneers whose names have become part of our electrical terminology: Myron Volt, Mary Louise Amp, James Watt, Bob Transformer, etc. These pioneers conducted many important electrical experiments. For example, in 1780 Luigi Galvani discovered (this is the truth) that when he attached two different kinds of metal to the leg of a frog, and past electrical current through them the frog's leg kicked, even though it was no longer actually attached to the frog, which was dead anyway.

Galvani's discovery led to enormous advances in the field of amphibian medicine. Today, skilled veterinary surgeons can take a frog that has been seriously injured or killed, implant pieces of metal in its muscles, attach a battery to them and watch in hop back into the pond just like a normal frog, except for the fact that it sinks like a stone.

But the greatest Electrical Pioneer of all was Thomas Edison, who was a brilliant inventor despite the fact that he had little formal education and lived in New Jersey. Edison's first major invention, in 1877, was the phonograph, which could soon be found in thousands of American homes, where it basically just sat until 1923, when the record was invented. But Edison's greatest achievement came in 1879, when he invented the electric company.

Edison's design was a brilliant adaptation of the simple electrical circuit: The electric company sends electricity through a wire to a customer, then immediately gets the electricity back through another wire, then (this is the brilliant part) sends it right back to the customer again. This means that an electric company can sell a customer the same batch of electricity thousands of times a day and never get caught, since very few consumers take the time to examine their electricity closely. In fact, the last year in which any new electricity was generated in the United States was 1937. The electric companies have been merely re-selling it ever since, which is why they have so much free time to apply for rate increases.

Today, thanks to men like Edison and Franklin, and frogs like Galvani's, we receive almost unlimited benefits from electricity. For example, in the past decade scientists developed the laser, an electronic appliance that emits a beam of light so powerful that it can vaporise a bulldozer 2,000 yards away, yet so precise that doctors can use it to perform delicate operations on the human eyeball, provided they remember to change the power setting from "VAPORISE BULLDOZER" to "DELICATE."

 

[drron]

How to start the day on a positive note.

1. Open a new file in your computer.
2. Name it "Julia Gillard".
3. Send it to the Recycle Bin.
4. Empty the Recycle Bin.
5. Your PC will ask you, "Do you really want to get rid of Julia Gillard?"
6. Firmly Click "Yes."
7. Feel better already? Good!

 

[QF WP]

It was coming to the end of the day and sitting in his tiny near deserted local pub in Mt. Isa was an Aboriginal called Cactus.

He was having a few beers as usual when a short well dressed and obviously gay man walked in and sat beside him.

After three or four beers, the gay man leaned over towards Cactus and whispered, "Do you want a blow job?"

Cactus leaped up with fire in his eyes knocked the gay man off his stool and smacked the hell out of him.

He dragged him out of the bar and left him bruised and battered in the car park and returned to his seat at the bar.

Not entirely amazed at what just happened the barman quickly brought over another beer to Cactus and said, "I've never seen you react as badly as that before. What did he say to you?"

"I don't know," Cactus replied..."Something about a job."

 

[samiam]

It was coming to the end of the day and sitting in his tiny near deserted local pub in Mt. Isa was an Aboriginal called Cactus.
He was having a few beers as usual when a short well dressed and obviously gay man walked in and sat beside him.

Surely you could have weaved some religion in there - you would have had the hat trick!

 

[Ikara]

How many of these aircraft have you flown in?

Planes you've never seen before! - YouTube

JB

 

[QF WP]

Sometimes, we try too hard to get to the greener grass. In the process, we end up in trouble.



And when you find yourself in trouble and you're stuck in a situation that you can't get out of, there is one thing you should always remember:

Not everyone who shows up...Is there to help you!!!!



and in thus case, she has no idea who she was just screwed by

 

[anat0l]

One-liners....

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.

I quit my job at the helium gas factory. I didn't like being spoken to in that voice.

Receiving oral sex from an ugly person is like rock climbing; you should never look down.

Standing in the park, I was wondering why a frisbee looks larger the closer it gets. Then it hit me.

My dad has a weird hobby: he collects empty bottles. Which sounds so much better than alcoholic.

My wife and I have decided we don't want any children. If anybody else does we can drop them off tomorrow.

We have a beautiful little girl who we named after my mum. In fact, Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 5 tomorrow.

I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.

So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it." He said, "Those are pickled onions".

I was having dinner with my boss and his wife and she said to me, "How many potatoes would you like?" I said, "Ooh, I'll just have one please". She said "It's OK, you don't have to be polite". "Alright," I said, "I'll just have one then, you stupid cow."

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny, you couldn't swing a cat in there.

The advantage of easy Origami is twofold....

Beware of Alphabet™ Grenades. If you throw them, it could spell disaster.

I was walking down the road the other day and I saw this advert in the window that said: 'Television for sale, £1, volume stuck on full.' I thought: 'I can't turn that down.'

Velcro...what a ripoff.

I'm currently dating a couple of anorexics. Two birds, one stone.

I picked up a hitchhiker. Well, you gotta when you hit them.

Wooden spoons are great. You can either use them to prepare food, or if you can't be bothered with that, just write a number on one and walk into a pub.

 

[QF WP]

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history.

Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Hodiaki a bright foreign exchange student from Japan, who had his hand up: 'Patrick Henry, 1775', he said.

'Very good!'

Who said, 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?'

Again, no response except from Little Hodiaki, 'Abraham Lincoln, 1863'.

'Excellent!', said the teacher continuing, 'let's try one a bit more difficult...'

Who said, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country?'

Once again, Hodiaki's was the only hand in the air and he said:

'John F. Kennedy, 1961'.

The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed of yourselves, Little Hodiaki isn't from this country and he knows more about our history than you do.'

She heard a loud whisper: 'F . . k the Japs,'

'Who said that? I want to know right now!' she angrily demanded.

Little Hodiaki put his hand up, 'General MacArthur, 1945.'

At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.'

The teacher glared around and asks, 'All right! Now who said that!?'

Again, Little Hodiaki said, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.'

Now furious, another student yelled, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!'

Little Hodiaki jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouted to the teacher, 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!'

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, 'You little ****. If you say anything else, I'll kill you.'

Little Hodiaki frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Michael Jackson to the child witness testifying against him, 2004.'

The teacher fainted.

As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, 'Oh ****, We're screwed!'

Little Hodiaki said quietly, 'The Australian people, 2011.'

 

[QF WP]

From a friend's Wall on FB:

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this: Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer. The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived,... with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...?? WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home... I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another. The directions said that: a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumfere nce (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head coughed to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and... HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!!

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicl_s nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room. Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution: There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! A three second burst would be considered conservative!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. - The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. - My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. - My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. - I had no control over the drooling. -Apparently I had coughped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone. - I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair. - I'm still looking for my testicl_s and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it

Damn, I was laughing and crying after reading this and my nads felt associated pain

 

[QF WP]

A woman goes to the doctor all black and blue ...
Doctor: "What happened?"
Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes homedrunk on Bud Light he beats me to a pulp."
Doctor: "I have a real good remedy for that. When your husband comes home drunk on Bud Light, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth but don't swallow. Just keep swishing and swishing until he goes to bed in his Bud Light stupor."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea. Every time my husband came home drunk on Bud Light, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished and he didn't touch me!"
Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"

 

[drron]

2 Jewish gentlemen walked into the Collingwood football Club and asked if they could become members.

The woman at the front desk asked if they were circumcised.

Why yes they said.

Well I'm sorry but you cant become members.

Why not?

You have to be a complete d*ck to barrack for Collingwood.

 

[Major]

> Australian cattle station Pilot
>
> G'day Mate,
> I am writing to you because I need your help to get me bloody pilot's
> licence back.
> You keep telling me you got all the right contacts. Well now's your chance
> to make something happen for me because, mate, I'm bloody desperate.
> But first, I'd better tell you what happened during my last flight review
> with the CAA Examiner.
>
> On the phone, Ron (that's the CAA d*#"head), seemed a reasonable sort of a
> bloke. He politely reminded me of the need to do a flight review every two
> years. He even offered to drive out, have a look over my property and let me
>
> operate from my own strip. Naturally I agreed to that.
>
> Anyway, Ron turned up last Wednesday. First up, he said he was a bit
> surprised to see the plane on a small strip outside my homestead, because
> the "ALA"(Authorized Landing Area), is about a mile away. I explained that
> because this strip was so close to the homestead, it was more convenient
> than the "ALA," and despite the power lines crossing about midway down the
> strip, it's really not a problem to land and take-off, because at the
> halfway point down the strip you're usually still on the ground.
>
> For some reason Ron, seemed nervous. So, although I had done the pre-flight
> inspection only four days earlier, I decided to do it all over again.
> Because the prick was watching me carefully, I walked around the plane three
>
> times instead of my usual two.
>
> My effort was rewarded because the colour finally returned to Ron's cheeks.
> In fact, they went a bright red. In view of Ron's obviously better mood, I
> told him I was going to combine the test flight with some farm work, as I
> had to deliver three "poddy calves" from the home paddock to the main herd.
> After a bit of a chase I finally caught the calves and threw them into the
> back of the ol' Cessna 172. We climbed aboard but Ron, started getting onto
> me about weight and balance calculations and all that cough. Of course I
> knew that sort of thing was a waste of time because calves, like to move
> around a bit particularly when they see themselves 500-feet off the ground!
> So, it's bloody pointless trying to secure them as you know. However, I did
> tell Ron that he shouldn't worry as I always keep the trim wheel set on
> neutral to ensure we remain pretty stable at all stages throughout the
> flight.
>
> Anyway, I started the engine and cleverly minimized the warm-up time by
> tramping hard on the brakes and gunning her to 2,500 RPM. I then discovered
> that Ron has very acute hearing, even though he was wearing a bloody
> headset. Through all that noise he detected a metallic rattle and demanded
> I account for it. Actually it began about a month ago and was caused by a
> screwdriver that fell down a hole in the floor and lodged in the fuel
> selector mechanism. The selector can't be moved now, but it doesn't matter
> because it's jammed on "All tanks," so I suppose that's Okay.
>
> However, as Ron was obviously a nit-picker, I blamed the noise on vibration
> from a stainless steel thermos flask which I keep in a beaut little possie
> between the windshield and the magnetic compass. My explanation seemed to
> relax Ron, because he slumped back in the seat and kept looking up at the
> coughpit roof. I released the brakes to taxi out, but unfortunately the
> plane gave a leap and spun to the right. "Hell" I thought," not the
> starboard wheel chock again."
>
> The bump jolted Ron back to full alertness. He looked around just in time to
>
> see a rock thrown by the prop-wash disappear completely through the
> windscreen of his brand new Commodore. "Now I'm really in trouble," I
> thought...
>
> While Ron was busy ranting about his car, I ignored his requirement that we
> taxi to the "ALA," and instead took off under the power lines. Ron didn't
> say a word, at least not until the engine started coughing right at the lift
>
> off point, and then he bloody screamed > his head off. "Oh God! Oh God! Oh
> God!"
>
> "Now take it easy Ron," I told him firmly. "That often happens on take-off
> and there is a good reason for it." I explained patiently that I usually run
>
> the plane on standard MOGAS, but one day I accidentally put in a gallon or
> two of kerosene. To compensate for the low octane of the kerosene, I
> siphoned in a few gallons of super MOGAS and shook the wings up and down a
> few times to mix it up. Since then, the engine has been coughing a bit but
> in general it works just fine, if you know how to coax it properly.
>
> Anyway, at this stage Ron seemed to lose all interest in my test flight. He
> pulled out some rosary beads, closed his eyes and became lost in prayer. (I
> didn't think anyone was a Catholic these days) I selected some nice music
> on the HF radio to help him relax. Meanwhile, I climbed to my normal
> cruising altitude of 10,500-feet. I don't normally put in a flight plan or
> get the weather because, as you know getting FAX access out here is a
> friggin' joke and the weather is always "8/8 blue" anyway. But since I had
> that near miss with a Saab 340, I might have to change me thinking on that.
>
> Anyhow, on levelling out, I noticed some wild camels heading into my
> improved pasture. I hate bloody camels, and always carry a loaded 303,
> clipped inside the door of the Cessna just in case I see any of the
> coughs.
>
> We were too high to hit them, but as a matter of principle, I decided to
> have a go through the open window. Mate, when I pulled the bloody rifle
> out, the effect on Ron, was friggin electric. As I fired the first shot his
> neck lengthened by about six inches and his eyes bulged like a rabbit with
> myxo. He really looked as if he had been jabbed with an electric cattle
> prod on full power. In fact, Ron's reaction was so distracting that I lost
> concentration for a second and the next shot went straight through the port
> tyre. Ron was a bit upset about the shooting (probably one of those pinko
> animal lovers I guess) so I decided not to tell him about our little problem
>
> with the tyre.
>
> Shortly afterwards I located the main herd and decided to do my fighter
> pilot trick. Ron had gone back to praying when, in one smooth sequence, I
> pulled on full flaps, cut the power and started a sideslip from 10,500-feet
> down to 500-feet at 130, knots indicated (the last time I looked anyway) and
>
> the little needle rushed up to the red area on me ASI. What a buzz, mate!
> About half way through the descent I looked back in the cabin to see the
> calves gracefully suspended in mid air and mooing like crazy. I was going to
>
> comment to Ron on this unusual sight, but he looked a bit green and had
> rolled himself into the foetal > position and was screaming' his 'freakin'
> head off. Mate, talk about being in a bloody zoo. You should've been there,
> it was so bloody funny!
>
> At about 500-feet I levelled out, but for some reason we kept sinking. When
> we reached 50-feet, I applied full power but nothing happened. No noise no
> nothin'. Then, luckily, I heard me instructor's voice in me head saying
> "carb heat, carb heat." So I pulled carb heat on and that helped quite a
> lot, with the engine finally regaining full power. Whew, that was really
> close, let me tell you!
>
> Then mate, you'll never guess what happened next! As luck would have it, at
> that height we flew into a massive dust cloud caused by the cattle and
> suddenly went I.F. bloody R, mate. You would have been really proud of me as
>
> I didn't panic once, not once, but I did make a mental note to consider an
> instrument rating as soon as me gyro is repaired (something I've been
> meaning to do for a while now). Suddenly Ron's elongated neck and bulging
> eyes reappeared. His Mouth opened very wide, but no sound emerged. "Take it
> easy," I told him, "we'll be out of this in a minute." Sure enough, about a
> minute later we emerged, still straight and level and still at 50-feet.
>
> Admittedly I was surprised to notice that we were upside down, and I kept
> thinking to myself, "I hope Ron didn't notice that I had forgotten to set
> the QNH when we were taxiing." This minor tribulation forced me to fly to a
> nearby valley in which I had to do a half roll to get upright again.
>
> By now the main herd had divided into two groups leaving a narrow strip
> between them. "Ah!" I thought, "there's an omen. We'll land right there."
> Knowing that the tyre problem demanded a slow approach, I flew a couple of
> steep turns with full flap. Soon the stall warning horn was blaring so loud
> in me ear that I cut it's circuit breaker to shut it up. but by then I knew
> we were slow enough anyway. I turned steeply onto a 75-foot final and put
> her down with a real thud. Strangely enough, I had always thought you could
> only ground loop in a tail dragger but, as usual, I was proved wrong again!
>
> Halfway through our third loop, Ron at last recovered his sense of humour.
> Talk about laugh. I've never seen the likes of it. He couldn't stop. We
> finally rolled to a halt and I released the calves, who bolted out of the
> aircraft like there was no tomorrow.
>
> I then began picking clumps of dry grass. Between gut wrenching fits of
> laughter, Ron asked what I was doing. I explained that we had to stuff the
> port tyre with grass so we could fly back to the homestead. It was then that
>
> Ron, really lost the plot and started running away from the aircraft. Can
> you believe it? I saw him running off into the distance, arms flailing in
> the air and still shrieking with laughter. I later heard that he had been
> confined to a psychiatric institution - poor bugger!
>
> Anyhow mate, that's enough about Ron. The problem is I got this letter from
> CASA withdrawing, as they put it, my privileges to fly; until I have
> undergone a complete pilot training course again and undertaken another
> flight proficiency test.
>
> Now I admit that I made a mistake in taxiing over the wheel chock and not
> setting the QNH using strip elevation, but I can't see what else I did that
> was a so bloody bad that they have to withdraw me flamin' license. Can you?
>
> Ralph H. Bell Mud Creek Station
>
>
>
>
>
>
> ----- End forwarded message -----
>
>

 

[QF WP]

ROTHLMAO.

I think I need a new laptop now :shock:. Most of the contents of my cuppa has been removed from the screen, but the keyboard is another matter .

 

[Flashback]

Steve Jobs just passed away.. I wonder if he saw his life flash before his eyes just before he died.

Oh wait …. he doesn't support Flash :shock: