A bit of humour

[drron]

Lindsay that wasn't humour-just good ole common sense.

Now a couple from my patients this week-first from a 98 year old who still plays bowls and table tennis!
Paddy went to his doctor and says Doc i think I might have something serious.I'm losing weight and bleeding from my back passage.
The Doc says Paddy you are probably right.Sounds serious.I will have to do something that you might find unpleasant.
I am going to examine your backn passage by putting 1 finger inside to see if there is any lump.
Well doc while you're at it could you put 2 fingers in.
Paddy why on earth do you want me to use 2 fingers.
Paddy-I always believe in a second opinion doc.

The next was just a comment from a woman working at one of the mines-
I asked what is it like working with all those men.
Answer-Dont know,they are all a lot of hard hats on fence posts.

 

[straitman]

The Dying Priest

In Canberra an old priest lay dying in the hospital. For years he had faithfully served the people of the nation's capital.

He motioned for his nurse to come near.

"Yes, Father?" said the nurse.
"I would really like to see Prime Minister and the Treasurer before I die", whispered the priest.

"I'll see what I can do, Father", replied the nurse.
The nurse sent the request to Parliament and waited for a response.

Soon the word arrived; Prime Minister Julia Gillard and Treasurer Wayne Swan would be delighted to visit the priest.

As they went to the hospital, Julia commented to Wayne, "I don't know why the old priest wants to see us, but it will certainly help our images and might even get me re-elected Prime Minister. After all, I'm IN IT TO WIN IT".

Wayne agreed that it was a good thing.
When they arrived at the priest's room, the priest took Julia's hand in his right hand and Wayne's hand in his left.

There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest's face.

Finally Julia Gillard spoke. "Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?"

The old priest slowly replied, "I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ."
"Amen", said Julia . "Amen", said Wayne.

The old priest continued, "Jesus died between two lying thieves; I would like to do the same."

 

[codash1099]

A mate of mine recently admitted to being
addicted to brake fluid.
When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he
could stop any time


I had a mate who was suicidal. He was
really depressed, so I pushed him in
front of a train. He was chuffed to bits.


I was at a cashpoint yesterday when a little old lady
asked if I could check her balance. Not being one to disappoint I pushed the
old dear over.


A new middle east crisis erupted last night as Dubai
Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'. A
spokesman for the channel said....'A claim was made that people in Dubai
would not understand the humour, but we know for a fact that people
in Abu Dhabi Do.'


My son's been asking me for a pet spider for his
birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!!
No way I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.


I was walking in a cemetery this morning
and saw a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. "Morning." I said. "No" he
replied, "just picking daisies."



I start a new job in Seoul next week. I
thought it was a good Korea move.


A Scottish paedophile has raised a dispute
with eBay.He claims that the Wii GameBoy he received isn't what
he was expecting.


I got some new aftershave today that
smells like breadcrumbs. The birds love it!


The Prime Minister, David Cameron, has announced that
he intends to make it more difficult to claim benefits.
From next week,all the forms will be printed in English.


I was driving this morning when I saw an
RAC van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very
miserable. I thought to myself that guys heading for a breakdown.


On holiday recently in Spain I saw a sign that said
English speaking Doctor - I thought, 'What a good idea, why
don't we have them in our country?'

 

[medhead]

Elton John will perform at Amy Winehouse’s funeral with a beautiful rendition of Candle Under The Spoon.

Can all those mourners outside Amy Winehouse’s home please form a line? It’s what she woud’ve wanted.

What was Amy Winehouse’s biggest hit? Her last one!

McDonalds have released the Amy Winehouse McValue Meal. Just Coke and Ice.

Congrats to Amy Winehouse! She has been sober for 72hrs.

Amy Winehouse, Kurt Cobain, Jimi Hendrix, Ian Curtis, Jim Morrison, Janis Joplin all died at 27. Justin Bieber turns 27 in 2021. Just be patient.

Amy Winehouse seriously should’ve known where to draw the line, I guess on the coffee table wasn’t such a good idea.

 

[Fantic125]

Sleeping Beauty, Superman and Pinocchio were going for a stroll through the city on a nice sunny afternoon and walk past a hall with a sign out the front stating; "Beauty contest - now on".

Sleeping Beauty looks at the sign and says to the others; "I'm entering that" and goes inside. 30 minutes later she comes back out with a huge smile on her face and holding a big bouquet of flowers and says to the other two "I won, I won!".

They keep walking and a few minutes later walk past a hall with a sign out the front stating: "Weightlifting competition - now on".

Superman looks at the sign and says to the others; "I'm entering that" and goes inside. 30 minutes later he comes back out with a huge smile on his face and holding a big golden trophy and says to the other two "I won, I won!".

They keep walking and a few minutes later walk past a hall with a sign out the front stating: "Lying competition - now on".

Pinocchio looks at the sign and says to the others; "I'm entering that" and goes inside. 30 minutes later he comes back out with tears rolling down his face and his hands empty.


He looks at Sleeping Beauty and Superman and sobs; "Who the hell is Julia Gillard?"

 

[drewbles]

Elton John will perform at Amy Winehouse’s funeral with a beautiful rendition of Candle Under The Spoon.

Can all those mourners outside Amy Winehouse’s home please form a line? It’s what she woud’ve wanted.

What was Amy Winehouse’s biggest hit? Her last one!

McDonalds have released the Amy Winehouse McValue Meal. Just Coke and Ice.

Congrats to Amy Winehouse! She has been sober for 72hrs.

Amy Winehouse, Kurt Cobain, Jimi Hendrix, Ian Curtis, Jim Morrison, Janis Joplin all died at 27. Justin Bieber turns 27 in 2021. Just be patient.

Amy Winehouse seriously should’ve known where to draw the line, I guess on the coffee table wasn’t such a good idea.

Rupert Murdoch is said to be deeply touched by the heartfelt and sincere messages left on Amy Winehouse's voicemail.

 

[craven morehead]

Airline Joke

[FONT=&quot]A man was sitting in the bar at Mascot Terminal and noticed a really
beautiful woman sitting next to him. He thought to himself, "Wow,
she's so gorgeous - she must be an air hostess. I wonder which airline she
works for. "

"I still call Australia home," he says to her.

She pulled away from him and gave an ice-cold glare. "Obviously not
with Qantas," he thought.

Hoping to pick her up, he leaned towards her and uttered the Delta
Airline slogan, "Love to fly and it shows.."

She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought to
himself, "Well, she obviously doesn't work for Delta."

A moment later, another slogan popped into his head, so he leaned
towards her again and said, "Something special in the air."

She gave him the same confused look, and he mentally kicked himself,
while scratching Singapore Airlines off the list.

He thought, "Perhaps she works for Thai Airways..." and said, "Smooth as silk."

The woman turned on him and said, "What the f*@k do you want?"

The man smiled, slumped back in his chair, and said, "Ahhhhh, Jetstar !!"[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT]:mrgreen:

 

[drewbles]

Re: Airline Joke

Always good to see an oldie adapted so well

 

[codash1099]

A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview
an aged but legendary explorer. The reporter asked the
old man to tell him the most frightening experience he
had ever had.

The old explorer said, "Once I was hunting
Bengal tigers in the jungles of India. I was on a narrow
path and my faithful native gunbearer was behind me.
Suddenly the largest tiger I have ever seen leaped onto
the path in front of us. I turned to get my weapon only
to find the native had fled. The tiger leapt toward me
with a mighty ROARRRR! I soiled myself."

The reporter said, "Under those circumstances anyone
would have done the same."

The old explorer said, "No, not then - just now when I
went ''''ROARRRR!''''"

 

[anat0l]

A blonde is chatting to her brunette friend about her recent 'mishap'.

"What's wrong?" asked the brunette.

"It was yesterday," said the blonde, "it happened when I caught the bus. I got on the bus and I picked a seat right next to the window, because I like to look outside. Anyway, I guess the bus was about to go when this big guy comes up to me and says, 'Excuse me, that's my seat, get out.'"

"Was the bus full?"

"No," continued the blonde, "that's what I said to him! He insisted that he sat in that seat and always sat in that seat and no one else can sit in that seat except him."

"The nerve!" said the brunette, "Did you stand up to him?"

"You bet I did. I started yelling at him, 'You can't treat me like this! Who do you think you are?!'"

"What did he say next?"

"He said, 'I'm the bus driver!'"

 

[Paddy55]

There's a thread starting suggesting names for Qantas's new Premium Airline.

As my suggestion is not PC... and may be erased by mods I thought my latest suggestion should go here:

Reflecting our Asian heritage how about "Wong cough Hing Roo Air"

Well, I think it.s OK

Paddy

 

[Hvr]

Now comes some new problems from the UK riots, written it seems, almost legibly from one of those involved:

"after one week my new digital, hd ready built in Freeview,dvd player 50 inch telly has packed up. i'm in 2 minds to go back to currys and ask for my brick back".

 

[QF WP]

We apologise for the delay in despatching your urinal freshener order (pictured).

We simply cannot keep up with the demand for this very popular item!

We will complete your delivery as soon as possible.

 

[straitman]

If the global crisis continues at the present rate, by the end of this year only
two banks will be left operational......... the Blood Bank and the Sperm Bank!

And, before you know it, these two will merge and the
whole place will be full of bloody wankers.

 

[drron]

The seven dwarfs always left to go work in
The mine early each morning. As always,
Snow White stayed home doing her domestic
Chores.
As lunchtime approached she would prepare
Their lunch and carry it to the mine
One day as she arrived at the mine with
The lunch she saw that there had been a
Terrible cave-in. Tearfully, and fearing
The worst, Snow White began calling out,
Hoping against hope that the dwarfs had
Somehow survived.
'Hello!....Hello!' she shouted.
'Can anyone Hear me? Hello!
For a long while, there was no answer.
Losing hope, Snow White again shouted,
'Hello! Is anyone down there?'
Just as she was about to give up all hope,
She heard a faint voice from deep within
The mine, singing . . .......
'Vote for Julia Gillard.. Vote for Bob Brown!
Snow White fell to her knees, crossed
Herself and prayed, 'Oh, thank you God!
At least Dopey is still alive!'

 

[QF WP]

I love the irony...

 

[Maca44]

It's not all bad news for the ALP.
Contrary to all previous evidence someone within their ranks apparently can organise a root in a brothel.

 

[straitman]

HONEY.


An elderly couple was invited to an old friends home for dinner one evening.

The hostess was impressed by the way her lady friend preceded every request to her husband with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.

While the husband was in the living room, her lady friend leaned over to her hostess to say, 'I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your husband all those loving names'.

The elderly lady hung her head and said, 'I have to tell you the truth, his name slipped my mind about 10 years ago, and I'm scared to death to ask the cranky old asshole what his name is.'

 

[Maca44]

A very elderly man goes into a chemist and asks if they sell cough.
The chemist naturally replies in the affirmative, to which the old man says he will have a pack of them.
After the chemist passes the pills to the elderly gentleman, he passes them back to the chemist and asks if he could cut each one into four.
The chemist asks whether the elderly man knows what cough is for to which he replied yes.
The chemist explains that if he cuts them each tablet into four he would not get the proper result and would not enhance his sexual needs.
The old man says, "I'm 94 years of age, and at this age I have no need of any medication for sexual activity. I just want to get it out far enough so I don't piss on my slippers".

 

[markis10]

You Sydneysiders have some interesting tour options:

The "BJ Tour" bus!