A bit of humour

[Maca44]

Life is sexually transmitted.

 

[Cruiser Elite]

A guy is driving around the back blocks of Melbourne and he sees a sign in front of a broken down house: 'Talking Dog For Sale '
He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador sitting there.
You talk?' he asks…………………….'Yep,' the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'
The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'
'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so
I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.
I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
'Ten dollars,' the guy says………………'Ten dollars?..................This dog is amazing!....................Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'
'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that s**t’.

 

[Cruiser Elite]

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time.
Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.
Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.
They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.
Finally, the elderly gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.
'I would like it infrequently,' she replied.
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered,
'Is that one word or two?'

 

[Bundy Bear]

[FONT=&amp]True Scientific Laws[/FONT]



[TABLE="class: MsoNormalTable"]
[TR]
[TD] [FONT=&amp]Law of Mechanical Repair [/FONT][FONT=&amp]
[/FONT][FONT=&amp]After your hands become coated with grease.. [/FONT][FONT=&amp]your nose will begin to itch [/FONT][FONT=&amp]

[/FONT][FONT=&amp]Law of Gravity [/FONT][FONT=&amp]
[/FONT][FONT=&amp]Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, [/FONT][FONT=&amp]..will roll to the least accessible corner. [/FONT][FONT=&amp]

[/FONT][FONT=&amp]Law of Probability [/FONT][FONT=&amp]
[/FONT][FONT=&amp]The probability of being watched... [/FONT][FONT=&amp]is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act. [/FONT][FONT=&amp]

[/FONT][FONT=&amp]Law of Random Numbers [/FONT][FONT=&amp]
[/FONT][FONT=&amp]If you dial a wrong number, [/FONT][FONT=&amp]you never get a busy signal & someone always answers. [/FONT][FONT=&amp]

[/FONT][FONT=&amp]Law of the Alibi [/FONT][FONT=&amp]
[/FONT][FONT=&amp]If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, [/FONT][FONT=&amp]the very next morning you will have a flat tire.[/FONT][FONT=&amp]

[/FONT][FONT=&amp]Variation Law [/FONT][FONT=&amp]
[/FONT][FONT=&amp]If you change lines (or traffic lanes),[/FONT][FONT=&amp] the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time). [/FONT][FONT=&amp]

[/FONT][FONT=&amp]Law of the Bath[/FONT][FONT=&amp]
When the body is fully immersed in water, [/FONT][FONT=&amp]the telephone or doorbell rings. [/FONT][FONT=&amp]

[/FONT][FONT=&amp]Law of Close Encounters[/FONT][FONT=&amp]
The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically [/FONT][FONT=&amp]when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with. [/FONT][FONT=&amp]

[/FONT][FONT=&amp]Law of the Result [/FONT][FONT=&amp]
[/FONT][FONT=&amp]When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, [/FONT][FONT=&amp]it will. [/FONT][FONT=&amp]

[/FONT][FONT=&amp]Law of Biomechanics [/FONT][FONT=&amp]
[/FONT][FONT=&amp]The severity of the itch [/FONT][FONT=&amp]is inversely proportional to the reach[/FONT][FONT=&amp].

[/FONT][FONT=&amp]Law of the Auditorium [/FONT][FONT=&amp]
[/FONT][FONT=&amp]At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. [/FONT][FONT=&amp]They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet & who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over[/FONT][FONT=&amp]. [/FONT][FONT=&amp]The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies & stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk. [/FONT][FONT=&amp]

[/FONT][FONT=&amp]The Coffee Law [/FONT][FONT=&amp]
[/FONT][FONT=&amp]As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, [/FONT][FONT=&amp]your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold[/FONT][FONT=&amp].

[/FONT][FONT=&amp]Murphy's Law of Lockers[/FONT][FONT=&amp]
If there are only 2 people in a locker room, [/FONT][FONT=&amp]they will have adjacent lockers. [/FONT][FONT=&amp]

[/FONT][FONT=&amp]Law of Physical Surfaces [/FONT][FONT=&amp]
[/FONT][FONT=&amp]The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, [/FONT][FONT=&amp]are directly correlated to the newness & cost of the carpet or rug [/FONT][FONT=&amp]

[/FONT][FONT=&amp]Law of Logical Argument [/FONT][FONT=&amp]
[/FONT][FONT=&amp]Anything is possible [/FONT][FONT=&amp]if you don't know what you are talking about [/FONT][FONT=&amp]
[/FONT][FONT=&amp]
[/FONT][FONT=&amp]Brown's Law of Physical Appearance [/FONT][FONT=&amp]
[/FONT][FONT=&amp]If the clothes fit,[/FONT][FONT=&amp] they're ugly. [/FONT][FONT=&amp]

[/FONT][FONT=&amp]Oliver's Law of Public Speaking [/FONT][FONT=&amp]
[/FONT][FONT=&amp]A closed mouth[/FONT][FONT=&amp] gathers no feet. [/FONT][FONT=&amp]

[/FONT][FONT=&amp]Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy [/FONT][FONT=&amp]
[/FONT][FONT=&amp]As soon as you find a product that you really like, [/FONT][FONT=&amp]they will stop making it. [/FONT][FONT=&amp]

[/FONT][FONT=&amp]Doctors' Law [/FONT][FONT=&amp]
[/FONT][FONT=&amp]If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. [/FONT][FONT=&amp]But if you don't make an appointment, you'll stay sick. [/FONT][/TD]
[/TR]
[/TABLE]

 

[straitman]

During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you
Determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?"

"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a
Teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the
Bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."


"No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you
Want a bed near the window?"


ARE YOU GOING TO PASS THIS ON…OR DO YOU WANT THE
BED NEXT TO MINE?

 

[drron]

Not sure if that one is funny or serious Bill.:shock::shock:
4 days with the grandkids and I think I will take the bed next to yours.

 

[codash1099]

The Israelis are developing an
airport security device that eliminates the privacy concerns
that come with full-body scanners at the airports.

It's a booth you can step into that will not X-ray you, but will
detonate any explosive device you may have on you. They see this
as a win-win for everyone, with none of this cough about
profiling. It also would eliminate the costs of a long and
expensive trial. Justice would be swift. Case closed!

You're in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion.
Shortly thereafter an announcement comes over the PA system . . .
"Attention standby passengers - we now have a seat available on
flight number 1234. Shalom!"

 

[codash1099]

From The Cranky Flier -

 

[straitman]

Not sure if that one is funny or serious Bill.:shock::shock:

Yes it is :!:

days with the grandkids and I think I will take the bed next to yours.

I resemble that remark. We had 5 here last weekend :!:

 

[Bundy Bear]

1. Go to Google Maps and click get directions.
2. Write U.S.A. as your start point.
3. Write Japan as your destination.
4. Go to the 31st point on your route.

:shock:

 

[Ikara]

"Go straight from here to here"

Yep. OK? And the humour is?

JB

 

[drmikki]

It usually suggests that you kayak across the Pacific Ocean...

 

[QF WP]

Joe says to Paddy: "Close your curtains the next time you're having sex with your wife.
The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."
Paddy says: "Well the joke's on them cos I wasn't even at home yesterday."


Mick walks into Paddy`s barn and catches him dancing naked and playing with himself in front of a tractor.
Mick says, "Jesus Paddy,what ya doing?"
Paddy says, "Well me and Mary haven't been getting on in the bedroom lately & the therapist recommended I do something sexy to attracter.....


Paddy says to Mick - I'm ready for a holiday, only this year I'm going to do it a bit different.
Three years ago I went to Spain and Mary got pregnant.
Two years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant.
Last year I went to Majorca and Mary got pregnant.
Mick asks - So what are you going to do this year?.
Paddy replies, - I'll take her with me!


Paddy goes to America for the 1st time, walking up 5th Avenue.
He sees a building on fire and rushes over to see people stuck at the 4th floor windows.
He shouts out, I'm Paddy John Dara O'Neill, the Irish rugby player, jump and I'll catch ya.
A girl jumps out and Paddy catches her, a guy jumps and Paddy gets him too.
Then a black guy jumps and Paddy lets him hit the concrete, then shouts up.
Come on now folks, there's no point throwin down the burnt ones!!


Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on a Friday this year".
Mick says "Let's hope it's not the 13th."


Paddy & Mick find three hand grenades, so they take them to a police station.
Mick: "What if one explodes before we get there?"
Paddy: "We'll lie and say we only found two."


Paddy's in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him. "Did you find the shampoo?"
Paddy says, "Yes but it's for dry hair and I've just feckin wet mine."

 

[drron]

Julia Gillard is touring the countryside in a chauffeur-driven car.
Suddenly, a cow walks out onto the road, they hit it full on and the car
comes to a stop.
Julia in her usual charming manner, says to the chauffeur:
"You get out and check - you were driving. "

The chauffeur gets out, checks and reports that the animal is dead.
"You were driving, go and tell the farmer, " says Julia.


Five hours later, the chauffeur returns totally plastered,
Hair ruffled with a big grin on his face.
'My god, what happened to you? 'asks Julia.

The chauffeur replies: 'When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle
of malt whisky, the wife gave me a slap-up meal and the daughter made love
to me.'

'What on earth did you tell them?', asks Julia.

"I"m Julia Gillard's chauffeur and I've just killed the cow.

 

[drron]

Just remember this is the humour thread so here goes-

Tutorial on Bats​

[TABLE="class: yiv847601200MsoNormalTable, width: 100%"]
[TR]
[TD="width: 99%"]

Our planet is populated with plenty of​

​

bizarre and astonishing creatures.​

​

Here are three from the Bat Family,​

​

without the need for resorting to fiction.

The Sucker-footed Bat

The Red-Winged Fruit Bat

​

The Red- Headed Ding Bat, incapable of many things, but will suck the blood out of all the Australian Taxpayers.​

​

​

[/TD]
[/TR]
[/TABLE]
​

 

[drron]

More truth than humour I'm afraid but i had a little giggle at some of these quotations-
What this country needs are more unemployed politicians. -Edward Langley, Artist (1928 - 1995)

"If you don't read the newspaper you are uninformed, if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed."
-Mark Twain

Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Parliament....
But then I repeat myself.
-Mark Twain

I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man, standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle.
-Winston Churchill

A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
- George Bernard Shaw


Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner.
-James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)

Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.
-Douglas Casey

Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.
-P..J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian

Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavours to live at the expense of everybody else.
-Frederic Bastiat, French Economist (1801-1850)

Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases:
If it moves, tax it.
If it keeps moving, regulate it.

And
If it stops moving, subsidize it.
-Ronald Reagan (1986)

I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.
-Will Rogers

If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free!
-P.J. O'Rourke

In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other.
-Voltaire (1764)

Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean Politics won't take an interest in you!
-Pericles (430 B.C.)

No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session.
-Mark Twain (1866)

Talk is cheap...except when Parliament does it.
-Unknown

The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other.
-Ronald Reagan

The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings.
The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery.
-Winston Churchill

The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.
-Mark Twain

The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools.
-Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903)

A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have.
-Thomas Jefferson

 

[Ikara]

A Matter of Principle!

WHISKEY
In 1952, Armon M.Sweat, Jr., a member of the Texas House of Representatives, was askedabout his position on whiskey. What follows is his exact answer (taken from thePolitical Archives of Texas):

"If you mean whiskey, the devil's brew, the poison scourge, the bloodymonster that defiles innocence, dethrones reason, destroys the home, createsmisery and poverty, yea, literally takes the bread from the mouths of littlechildren; if you mean that evil drink that topples Christian men and women fromthe pinnacles of righteous and gracious living into the bottomless pit ofdegradation, shame, despair, helplessness, and hopelessness, then, my friend, Iam opposed to it with every fiber of my being.

However, if by whiskey you mean the lubricant of conversation, thephilosophic juice, the elixir of life, the liquid that is consumed when goodfellows get together, that puts a song in their hearts and the warm glow ofcontentment in their eyes; if you mean Christmas cheer, the stimulating sipthat puts a little spring in the step of an elderly gentleman on a frostymorning; if you mean that drink that enables man to magnify his joy, and toforget life's great tragedies and heartbreaks and sorrow; if you mean thatdrink the sale of which pours into Texas treasuries untold millions ofdollars each year, that provides tender care for our little crippled children,our blind, our deaf, our dumb, our pitifully aged and infirm, to build thefinest highways, hospitals, universities, and community colleges in thisnation, then my friend, I am absolutely, unequivocally in favor of it.

This is my position, and as always, I refuse to compromise on matters ofprinciple."

And a principle that I totally support!

JB

 

[codash1099]

Only too true!

 

[QF WP]

Written by Regina Brett, 90 years old, of the Plain Dealer, Cleveland , Ohio .

"To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. It is the most requested column I've ever written.

My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.

2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.

3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.

4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.

5. Pay off your credit cards every month.

6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.

8. It's OK to get angry with God He can take it.

9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.

10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.

11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.

12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.

13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.

15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.

16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.

17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.

18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.

19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.

20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.

21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.

22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.

23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.

24. The most important sex organ is the brain.

25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.

26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'

27. Always choose life.

28. Forgive everyone everything.

29. What other people think of you is none of your business.

30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.

31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

33. Believe in miracles.

34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.

35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.

36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.

37. Your children get only one childhood.

38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.

39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.

40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.

41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

42. The best is yet to come...

43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

44. Yield.

45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift."

 

[Nigelinoz]

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking,
the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and
eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. He then jumps onto the pool
table and grabs one of the billiard balls. To everyone's amazement, he sticks it in
his mouth, and somehow swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you
see what your monkey just did?"

"No, what?"

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table... whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight.
Sorry! I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."

The guy finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and
leaves.

Two weeks later the guy is in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a
drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing
his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it
up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.


Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and
eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did just now?"

"No, what?" replied the man.

"Well, he stuck both a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and
ate them!" said the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in
sight, but ever since he had to pass the cue ball , he measures everything first now."