A bit of humour

[TiredOldFlyer]

Politicians and Nappies both need to be changed for the same reason.

 

[anat0l]

A man bought a new range of Olympic condoms. “There are three colours”, he told his wife, “Gold, silver and bronze.”

What colour are you going to wear tonight?” she asked.

“Gold, of course”, he replied proudly.

“Why don’t you wear silver?” she said. “It would be nice if you came second for a change!”

You forgot the line, "And then the fight started..."

Now those jokes are gold!

 

[drron]

Heaven is where-The chef is French.
-The lovers are Italian.
-The police are British.
-The mechanics are German
-And the Swiss make everything run on time.

Hell is where-The chef is British.
-the lovers are Swiss.
-the police are German.
-the mechanics are French.
-and the Italians make everything run on time.

 

[Hvr]

A man bought a new range of Olympic condoms. “There are three colours”, he told his wife, “Gold, silver and bronze.”

What colour are you going to wear tonight?” she asked.

“Gold, of course”, he replied proudly.

“Why don’t you wear silver?” she said. “It would be nice if you came second for a change!”

Not really sure I want the bronze one.

 

[Ikara]

Somehow I just can't see 1C & 1D keeping up the beat on QF!!!!!!!

World's Coolest Flight Attendant - YouTube

JB

 

[Major]

To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity



1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With
Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer at Passing Cars.
See If They Slow Down.



2. On all your cheque stubs, write 'For marijuan_'



3. Skip down the street Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.



4. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat,with a serious face.



5. Sing Along At The Opera.



6. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'



7. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Car Park, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'



8. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, We are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'



And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity



9. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE pharmac_, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.

 

[QF WP]

Oh, how things change:

 

[Maca44]

New Aussie Pickup Line...

A bloke was standing at a bar and a beautiful woman was beside him so he leans over and says...
"You remind me of my little toe"
She replies, "What?... You Mean I'm small and cute?"
He says "No, I`ll probably bang you on the coffee table later when I'm drunk"

 

[QF WP]

What does McDonald's



and Australia



have in common?

Easy... both are run by ridiculous red-headed clowns!

 

[Major]

For those that don't know about history, here is one condensed version:

Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters and gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.

The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:

1 . Liberals, and

2 Labor.

Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminium can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Liberal movement...

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the Liberals by showing up for the nightly BBQ's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Labor movement.

Some of these labor men eventually evolved into women. They became known as girlie-men. Some noteworthy Labor achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that the Liberals provided.

Modern Laborites and Union leaders like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu and French food are standard Labor fare.
Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury lawyers, journalists, ABC staff and group therapists are Laborites.


Liberals drink domestic beer, mostly Carlton or xx_X. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Liberals are big game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, engineers, corporate executives, athletes, members of the military, airline pilots and generally anyone who works productively.
Liberals who own companies hire other Liberals who want to work for a living.

Laborites produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. That is why most of the laborites created a business of trying to get more for nothing.

Here ends today's lesson in world history.

It should be noted that a Laborite may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it.

A Liberal will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers and to more laborites just to piss them off.

And there you have it. Let your next action reveal your true self, I'm going to have another beer.

 

[markis10]

Lost in translation

Japanese Department Store May Want to Look Up the Word 'coughing'

 

[Ikara]

ICC Press Release

MEDIA RELEASE - From the International Cricket Council for immediate release (especially in India).

The ICC has announced several changes to the playing conditions for any further tests between Australia and India. These changes include:

India must win.
The umpires shall be nominated by the Indian team. It will be acceptable if reserve Indian players rotate as umpires.
During the game all appeals shall be referred to the Indian management team and the Indian media contingent prior to any decision being made. (This includes where an Indian player may appear, to the naked eye, to have been bowled.)
When the Indian team is batting the boundary rope shall be moved inwards 20 metres.
Australian bowlers shall bowl under arm.
India must win.
Any time Ricky Ponting is on the field he shall be restrained in a full length strait jacket and muzzled.
Any Australian spin bowler must advise the batsman in advance what type of delivery is going to be bowled.
At any time Andrew Symons is on the field he must where a gorilla suit and accept any sledging in the light hearted manner that this is intended.
India must win.
Harbhajan Singh will be cleared on appeal and be nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Indian batsman may be permitted to use larger bats.
Australian batsmen may use a bat every fifth over.
Australian fieldsman should praise every batting attempt by the Indians by saying "Good shot chaps." Apart from this Australian players are not permitted to speak.
During the lunch and tea break both teams shall get together and have a cup of tea.
India must win.

The ICC and the BCCI hope that all Australians will understand these minor changes are intended in the best interest of the game.

The ICC would also like to announce that Steve Bucknor has been appointed as the ICC's new cricketing ambassador to Kazikstan. The ICC wishes Steve all the best in this important, newly created role.

RIP International Cricket

 

[QF WP]

A Chinese guy goes to a Jew to buy black bras, size 38.



The Jew, known for his skills as a businessman, says that black bras are rare and that he is finding it very difficult to buy them from his suppliers. Therefore he has to charge $50.00 for them.

The Chinese guy buys 25.

He returns a few days later and this time orders fifty.

The Jew tells him that they have become even harder to get and charges him $60.00 each.

The Chinese guy returns a month later and buys the Jews remaining stock of 50, and this time for $75.00 each.

The Jew is somewhat puzzled by the large demand for black size 38 bras and asks the Chinese guy, "...please tell me - What do you do with all these black bras?"

The Chinese guy answers: "I cut them in half and sell them as skull caps to you Jews for $200.00 each."

 

[Ikara]

The wife asked me what I was doing onthe computer last night.
I told her I was looking for cheap flights.
"I love you!" she said, and then she got all excited,
That night we had the most amazing sex ever..........

Which is odd because she’s never shown an interest in darts before?

JB

 

[QF WP]

MORNING COFFEE IN ROME

Four Catholic Men and a Catholic Woman were having coffee in St. Peter's Square.

The First Catholic Man tells his Friends, "My Son is a Priest. When He walks into a Room, everyone calls Him, "Father."

The Second Catholic Man chirps, "My Son is a Bishop. When He walks into a Room, people call Him, "Your Grace."

The Third Catholic Gent says, "My Son is a Cardinal. When He enters a Room, everyone bows their head and says, "Your Eminence."

The Fourth Catholic Man says very proudly, "My Son is the Pope. When He walks into a room, people call Him, "Your Holiness."

Since the Lone Catholic Woman was sipping Her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?".

She proudly replied, "I have a Daughter,

SLIM

TALL

38D BREASTS

24" WAIST and

36" HIPS.


When She walks into a Room, people say, "Oh My God!!!"

 

[simongr]

What does McDonald's

View attachment 5344

and Australia

View attachment 5345

have in common?

Easy... both are run by ridiculous red-headed clowns!

View attachment 5346

View attachment 5347

I find this quite offensive - to Mr MacDonald that is!

 

[Ikara]

Tacky but topical............................

The current plight of the Costa Concordia reminds me of a commentmade by Churchill.

After his retirement he was cruising the Mediterranean on anItalian cruise liner.

Some Italian journalists asked why an ex British Prime Ministershould chose an Italian ship.

“There are three things I like about being on an Italian cruiseship” said Churchill.

“First their cuisine is unsurpassed."

"Second their service is superb."

"And then, in time of emergency, there is none of this nonsense about women and children first”.

JB

 

[drron]

Tacky but topical............................

The current plight of the Costa Concordia reminds me of a commentmade by Churchill.

After his retirement he was cruising the Mediterranean on anItalian cruise liner.

Some Italian journalists asked why an ex British Prime Ministershould chose an Italian ship.

“There are three things I like about being on an Italian cruiseship” said Churchill.

“First their cuisine is unsurpassed."

"Second their service is superb."

"And then, in time of emergency, there is none of this nonsense about women and children first”.

JB

Many a true word is said in jest.
with the recent tragedy i thought this article was interesting re woman and children first(but not humour)-
Why women and children were saved on the Titanic, but not the Lusitania | Mail Online

 

[anat0l]

Flashware circulated this to me some time ago. Might be already on the thread, as well as many of you via email. But here it is again...

"Sick Leave"

I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave.. I thought that maybe if I acted 'CRAZY' then he would tell me to take a few days off.

So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises. My co-worker (Sipho) asked me what I was doing. I told him that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was 'CRAZY' and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked 'What are you doing?' I told him I was a light bulb.

He said, 'You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days.' I jumped down and walked out of the office...

When my co-worker (Sipho) followed me, the Boss asked him '...And where do you think you're going?'

He said, 'I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark.'

 

[codash1099]

As I was lying in bed pondering the problems of the world, I rapidly realised that I don't really give a rat's cough. It's the tortoise life for me!

1. If walking/cycling is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.
2. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, and is fat.
3. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years.

4. A tortoise doesn't run and does nothing, yet it lives for 450 years.
And you tell me to exercise??
I don't think so.

I'm retired.
Go around me!