A bit of humour
- Thread starter Maca44
- Start date
The Rok
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A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a good looking, old retired golfer in his late 60’s and the other is a gorgeous blonde in her mid-twenties.
The circus owner tells them, “I’m not going to sugar coat it.
This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you’re history. Here’s your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?”
The girl says, “I’ll go first.”
She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion’s cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About half way there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.
The circus owner’s jaw is on the floor.
He says, “I’ve never seen a display like that in my life.” He then turns to the retired golfer and asks, “Can you top that?”
The tough old golfer replies, “No problem, just get that darn lion out of there
The boss had to fire somebody,and he narrowed it down to one of two people, Mary or Jack.
It was an impossible decision because they were both superworkers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.
Mary came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin.
The boss approached her and said: ‘Mary, I’ve never done this before but I either have to lay you or Jack off.’
‘Could you jack off?’ she says,...’I feel like cough.’
Two men dressed in Pilots’ uniforms walk up the aisle of the plane. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is Tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.
Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the coughpit, the door closes, and the engines start up.
The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.
The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the people sitting in the window seats realise they’re heading straight for the water at the Edge of the airport.
As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water, Panicked screams fill the cabin.
Just at that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers Relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their Magazine, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.
...In the coughpit, one of the blind pilots turn to the other and says, “You Know , Bob, one of these days, they’re gonna scream too late and we’re all gonna die.”
The circus owner tells them, “I’m not going to sugar coat it.
This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you’re history. Here’s your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?”
The girl says, “I’ll go first.”
She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion’s cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About half way there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.
The circus owner’s jaw is on the floor.
He says, “I’ve never seen a display like that in my life.” He then turns to the retired golfer and asks, “Can you top that?”
The tough old golfer replies, “No problem, just get that darn lion out of there
The boss had to fire somebody,and he narrowed it down to one of two people, Mary or Jack.
It was an impossible decision because they were both superworkers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.
Mary came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin.
The boss approached her and said: ‘Mary, I’ve never done this before but I either have to lay you or Jack off.’
‘Could you jack off?’ she says,...’I feel like cough.’
Two men dressed in Pilots’ uniforms walk up the aisle of the plane. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is Tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.
Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the coughpit, the door closes, and the engines start up.
The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.
The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the people sitting in the window seats realise they’re heading straight for the water at the Edge of the airport.
As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water, Panicked screams fill the cabin.
Just at that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers Relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their Magazine, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.
...In the coughpit, one of the blind pilots turn to the other and says, “You Know , Bob, one of these days, they’re gonna scream too late and we’re all gonna die.”
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[TD="width: 100%, bgcolor: transparent"]Banned from Coles.
Didn't like shopping there anyway...
Yesterday I was at my local Coles store buying a large bag of Pedigree dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had, an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Pedigree Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 2 stone before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Pedigree nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry.. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me - I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setters cough and a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. I'm now banned from Coles.
Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of daft things to say.
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[TR]
[TD="width: 100%, bgcolor: transparent"]Banned from Coles.
Didn't like shopping there anyway...
Yesterday I was at my local Coles store buying a large bag of Pedigree dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had, an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Pedigree Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 2 stone before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Pedigree nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry.. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me - I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setters cough and a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. I'm now banned from Coles.
Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of daft things to say.
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codash1099
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It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying
the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he
arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family
there, who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way
with a tidy gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box
of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of
terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman
in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through
the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the
bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever
experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed
him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and
fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a
cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill
sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too
wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your
last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what
to give you. He said, 'SCREW him. Give him a dollar.' The breakfast was my
idea."
the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he
arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family
there, who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way
with a tidy gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box
of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of
terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman
in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through
the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the
bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever
experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed
him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and
fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a
cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill
sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too
wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your
last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what
to give you. He said, 'SCREW him. Give him a dollar.' The breakfast was my
idea."
Major
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A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a Christmas fancy dress party.
He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.
A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit.
The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a Pirate.
The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint.
A week passes and he receives another parcel and note:
Dear Sir,
Sorry about the previous parcel.
Please find enclosed a monk's habit.
The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head, you will really look the part.
The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head.
So he writes a really strong letter of complaint.
A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup.
We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, let it harden, then stick your wooden leg up your cough and go as a toffee apple.
He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.
A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit.
The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a Pirate.
The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint.
A week passes and he receives another parcel and note:
Dear Sir,
Sorry about the previous parcel.
Please find enclosed a monk's habit.
The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head, you will really look the part.
The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head.
So he writes a really strong letter of complaint.
A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup.
We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, let it harden, then stick your wooden leg up your cough and go as a toffee apple.
D
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So Pleased I Choose To Fly!
The Italians know how it's done
:shock:
Fabrizio
Rossi
Biaggi
Schettino
The Italians know how it's done
:shock:Fabrizio
Rossi
Biaggi
Schettino
dfcatch
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Ouch!.......
JohnM
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Man walks into the room where his wife is sitting, carrying a sheep under his arm.
Man: "This is the pig that I have sex with every time you have a headache."
Wife: "I believe that's a sheep, not a pig..."
Man: "I wasn't talking to you..."
Man: "This is the pig that I have sex with every time you have a headache."
Wife: "I believe that's a sheep, not a pig..."
Man: "I wasn't talking to you..."
codash1099
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QUALITY CONTROL
A toothpaste factory had a problem: they sometimes shipped empty boxes, without the tube inside. This was due to the way the production line was set up, and people with experience in designing production lines will tell you how difficult it is to have everything happen with timings so precise that every single unit coming out of it is perfect 100% of the time.
Small variations in the environment which can't be controlled in a cost-effective fashion mean you must have quality assurance checks smartly distributed across the line so that customers all the way down to the supermarket don't get pissed off and buy another product instead.
Understanding how important that was, the CEO of the toothpaste factory got the top people in the company together and they decided to start a new project, in which they would hire an external engineering company to solve their empty boxes problem, as their engineering department was already too stretched to take on any extra effort.
The project followed the usual process: budget and project sponsor allocated, RFP, third-parties selected, and six months and $8 million later they had a fantastic solution - on time, on budget, high quality and everyone in the project had a great time. They solved the problem by using high-tech precision scales that would sound a bell and flash lights whenever a toothpaste box would weigh less than it should. The line would stop, and someone had to walk over and yank the defective box out of it, pressing another button when done to re-start the line.
A while later, the CEO decides to have a look at the ROI of the project: Amazing results! No empty boxes ever shipped out of the factory after the scales were put in place. Very few customer complaints, and they were gaining market share.
"That's some money well spent!" he says, before looking closely at the other statistics in the report. It turns out, the number of defects picked up by the scales was 0 after three weeks of production use. It should've been picking up at least a dozen a day, so maybe there was something wrong with the report.
He filed a bug against it, and after some investigation, the engineers come back saying the report was actually correct. The scales really weren't picking up any defects, because all boxes that got to that point in the conveyor belt were good.
Puzzled, the CEO travels down to the factory, and walks up to the part of the line where the precision scales were installed. A few feet before the scale, there was a $20 desk fan, blowing the empty boxes off of the belt and into a bin.
"Oh, that," says one of the workers, "One of the guys put it there 'cause he was tired of walking over there every time the bell rang."
A toothpaste factory had a problem: they sometimes shipped empty boxes, without the tube inside. This was due to the way the production line was set up, and people with experience in designing production lines will tell you how difficult it is to have everything happen with timings so precise that every single unit coming out of it is perfect 100% of the time.
Small variations in the environment which can't be controlled in a cost-effective fashion mean you must have quality assurance checks smartly distributed across the line so that customers all the way down to the supermarket don't get pissed off and buy another product instead.
Understanding how important that was, the CEO of the toothpaste factory got the top people in the company together and they decided to start a new project, in which they would hire an external engineering company to solve their empty boxes problem, as their engineering department was already too stretched to take on any extra effort.
The project followed the usual process: budget and project sponsor allocated, RFP, third-parties selected, and six months and $8 million later they had a fantastic solution - on time, on budget, high quality and everyone in the project had a great time. They solved the problem by using high-tech precision scales that would sound a bell and flash lights whenever a toothpaste box would weigh less than it should. The line would stop, and someone had to walk over and yank the defective box out of it, pressing another button when done to re-start the line.
A while later, the CEO decides to have a look at the ROI of the project: Amazing results! No empty boxes ever shipped out of the factory after the scales were put in place. Very few customer complaints, and they were gaining market share.
"That's some money well spent!" he says, before looking closely at the other statistics in the report. It turns out, the number of defects picked up by the scales was 0 after three weeks of production use. It should've been picking up at least a dozen a day, so maybe there was something wrong with the report.
He filed a bug against it, and after some investigation, the engineers come back saying the report was actually correct. The scales really weren't picking up any defects, because all boxes that got to that point in the conveyor belt were good.
Puzzled, the CEO travels down to the factory, and walks up to the part of the line where the precision scales were installed. A few feet before the scale, there was a $20 desk fan, blowing the empty boxes off of the belt and into a bin.
"Oh, that," says one of the workers, "One of the guys put it there 'cause he was tired of walking over there every time the bell rang."
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Humour about marriage
Wife: 'What are you doing?'
Husband: Nothing.
Wife: 'Nothing? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'
Husband: 'I was looking for the expiry date.'
---------------------------------------------
Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'
Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'
Wife: 'Yes or No.'
____________________________________
Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'
Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'
Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'
________________________________________
A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'
'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, no matter WHO left you a fortune!'
----------------------------------------------------------
Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.
The guy replies: 'Thanks for the early warning.'
-------------------------------------------------------
A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humour!'
Husbands are husbands:
A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.
'What was that for?' the man asked.
The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'.
The man then said 'When I was at the races last week and Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on.'
The wife apologized and went on with the housework.
Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.
Upon regaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.
Wife replied: 'Your Horse phoned!!!'
Wife: 'What are you doing?'
Husband: Nothing.
Wife: 'Nothing? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'
Husband: 'I was looking for the expiry date.'
---------------------------------------------
Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'
Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'
Wife: 'Yes or No.'
____________________________________
Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'
Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'
Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'
________________________________________
A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'
'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, no matter WHO left you a fortune!'
----------------------------------------------------------
Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.
The guy replies: 'Thanks for the early warning.'
-------------------------------------------------------
A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humour!'
Husbands are husbands:
A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.
'What was that for?' the man asked.
The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'.
The man then said 'When I was at the races last week and Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on.'
The wife apologized and went on with the housework.
Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.
Upon regaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.
Wife replied: 'Your Horse phoned!!!'
Major
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The Royal Navy is proud of its new fleet of Type 45 destroyers. Having initially named the first two ships HMS Daring and HMS Dauntless, the Naming Committee has, after intensive pressure from Brussels , renamed them HMS Cautious and HMS Prudence. The next five ships are to be named HMS Empathy, HMS Circumspect, HMS Nervous, HMS Timorous and HMS Apologist. Costing £850 million each, they meet the needs of the 21st century and comply with the very latest employment, equality, health & safety and human rights laws. The new user-friendly crow's nest comes equipped with wheelchair access. Live ammunition has been replaced with paintballs to reduce the risk of anyone getting hurt and to cut down on the number of compensation claims. Stress counsellors and lawyers will be on duty 24hrs a day and each ship will have its on-board industrial tribunal. The crew will be 50/50 men and women, and balanced in accordance with the latest Home Office directives on race, gender, sexuality and disability. Sailors will only have to work a maximum of 37hrs per week in line with Brussels Health & Safety rules, even in wartime! All the vessels will come equipped with a maternity ward and nursery, situated on the same deck as the Gay Disco. Tobacco will be banned throughout the ship, but cannabis will be allowed in the wardroom and messes. The Royal Navy is eager to shed its traditional reputation for; "Rum, sodomy and the lash"; so out has gone the occasional rum ration which is to be replaced by sparkling water. Although sodomy remains, it has now been extended to include all ratings under 18. The lash will still be available but only on request. Condoms can be obtained from the Bosun in a variety of flavours, except Capstan Full Strength. Saluting officers has been abolished because it is deemed elitist and is to be replaced by the more informal, "Hello Sailor". All information on notices boards will be printed in 37 different languages and Braille. Crew members will now no longer be required to ask permission to grow beards or moustaches - this applies equally to women crew members. The MoD is working on a new "non-specific" flag because the White Ensign is considered to be offensive to minorities. The Union Flag had already been discarded. The newly re-named HMS Cautious is due to be commissioned soon in a ceremony conducted by Captain Hook from the Finsbury Park Mosque who will break a petrol bomb over the hull. She will gently slide into the water as the Royal Marines Band plays "In the Navy" by the Village People. Her first deployment will be to escort boat loads of illegal immigrants across the channel to ports on England 's south coast. The Prime Minister said, "While these ships reflect the very latest in modern thinking, they are also capable of being up-graded to comply with any new legislation coming out of Brussels ." His final words were, "Britannia waives the rules." |
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Perhaps not humor, but interesting if it's true:
Prime Minister Julia Gillard - Australian Muslims who want to live under Islamic Sharia law were told on Wednesday to get out of Australia , as the government targeted radicals in a bid to head off potential terror attacks..
Separately, Gillard angered some Australian Muslims on Wednesday by saying she supported spy agencies monitoring the nation's mosques.
Quote:
'IMMIGRANTS, NOT AUSTRALIANS, MUST ADAPT.. Take It Or Leave It.
I am tired of this nation worrying about whether we are offending some individual or their culture. Since the terrorist attacks on Bali, we have experienced a surge in patriotism by the majority of Australians. '
'This culture has been developed over two centuries of struggles, trials and victories by millions of men and women who have sought freedom.'
'We speak mainly ENGLISH, not Spanish, Lebanese, Arabic, Chinese, Japanese, Russian, or any other language. Therefore, if you wish to become part of our society ... learn the language!'
'Most Australians believe in God. This is not some Christian, right wing, political push, but a fact, because Christian men and women, on Christian principles, founded this nation, and this is clearly documented. It is certainly appropriate to display it on the walls of our schools. If God offends you, then I suggest you consider another part of the world as your new home, because God is part of our culture.'
'We will accept your beliefs, and will not question why. All we ask is that you accept ours, and live in harmony and peaceful enjoyment with us.'
'This is OUR COUNTRY, OUR LAND, and OUR LIFESTYLE, and we will allow you every opportunity to enjoy all this. But once you are done complaining, whining, and griping about Our Flag, Our Pledge, Our Christian beliefs, or Our Way of Life, I highly encourage you take advantage of one other great Australian freedom, 'THE RIGHT TO LEAVE'.'
'If you aren't happy here then LEAVE. We didn't force you to come here. You asked to be here.
So accept the country YOU accepted.'
This from an athiest...wonders will never cease.
Did she say the same thing to the Aboriginals who want to live according to tribal law?
Prime Minister Julia Gillard - Australian Muslims who want to live under Islamic Sharia law were told on Wednesday to get out of Australia , as the government targeted radicals in a bid to head off potential terror attacks..
Separately, Gillard angered some Australian Muslims on Wednesday by saying she supported spy agencies monitoring the nation's mosques.
Quote:
'IMMIGRANTS, NOT AUSTRALIANS, MUST ADAPT.. Take It Or Leave It.
I am tired of this nation worrying about whether we are offending some individual or their culture. Since the terrorist attacks on Bali, we have experienced a surge in patriotism by the majority of Australians. '
'This culture has been developed over two centuries of struggles, trials and victories by millions of men and women who have sought freedom.'
'We speak mainly ENGLISH, not Spanish, Lebanese, Arabic, Chinese, Japanese, Russian, or any other language. Therefore, if you wish to become part of our society ... learn the language!'
'Most Australians believe in God. This is not some Christian, right wing, political push, but a fact, because Christian men and women, on Christian principles, founded this nation, and this is clearly documented. It is certainly appropriate to display it on the walls of our schools. If God offends you, then I suggest you consider another part of the world as your new home, because God is part of our culture.'
'We will accept your beliefs, and will not question why. All we ask is that you accept ours, and live in harmony and peaceful enjoyment with us.'
'This is OUR COUNTRY, OUR LAND, and OUR LIFESTYLE, and we will allow you every opportunity to enjoy all this. But once you are done complaining, whining, and griping about Our Flag, Our Pledge, Our Christian beliefs, or Our Way of Life, I highly encourage you take advantage of one other great Australian freedom, 'THE RIGHT TO LEAVE'.'
'If you aren't happy here then LEAVE. We didn't force you to come here. You asked to be here.
So accept the country YOU accepted.'
This from an athiest...wonders will never cease.
Did she say the same thing to the Aboriginals who want to live according to tribal law?
Major
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NAG, NAG, NAG...
An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go up stairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.
He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER BLOODY STOP?!'
An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go up stairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.
He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER BLOODY STOP?!'
jetlagger
Established Member
- Joined
- Sep 19, 2011
- Posts
- 2,241
LOVE THE PIC! Hilarious ...
Surfers is usually ok, except for FRI & SAT nights after the nightclubs close! Not a place for visiting at that time with my international guests in tow.. Seen the worst cases of Boganism in play within this Surfers/ Cavill Ave 'entertainment area"
From a resident & observant Gold Coaster..
JohnM
Enthusiast
- Joined
- Jun 7, 2006
- Posts
- 11,447
- Qantas
- LT Gold
First woman to second woman: “You’re so upset. What’s wrong?”
Second woman: “I caught my boyfriend in bed with my twin. He said, ‘I thought it was you.’”
First woman: “I guess that’s understandable.”
Second woman: “It would be easier to believe if we were identical, or even the same sex.”
-----------------
“Daddy, what’s between mum’s legs?”
“That’s paradise, my son.”
“And what’s between your legs, dad?”
“That’s the key to the paradise, my boy.”
“Well, you’d better change the lock, the man next door has a copy.”
-----------------
First woman: “I hear you bought a new car.”
Second woman: “Yes, Renault and Ford worked together on a new car for women. They mixed the Clio and the Taurus and called it the ‘Clitaurus’. It comes in pink and the average male thief won’t be able to find it, even if someone tells him where it is.”
-----------------
First man to second man: “Do your eyes ever burn, your nose runs and you get teary-eyed after having sex?”
Second man: “Yes, all the time.”
First man: “Why is that?”
Second man: “I think it’s the pepper spray.”
-----------------
Hotel receptionist: “Welcome to Holiday Hotel. Are you checking in?”
Man: “Yes, thank you. I hope the cough channel in my room is disabled.”
Receptionist: “No, it’s regular cough, you sick cough.”
-----------------
First man: “Do you ever look at your wife’s face when you make love?”
Second man: “I did once and saw anger in her face.”
First man: “Why anger?”
Second man: “Because she was watching through the window.”
----------------
Wife: “I feel horrible. I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.”
Husband: “Your eyesight is damn near perfect.”
---------------
Man to little boy: “What’s wrong? Why are you crying?”
Boy: “My mum just died.”
Man: “Oh no, that’s terrible. Do you want me to call a priest?”
Boy: “No thanks, sex is the last thing on my mind right now.”
--------------------
Radio announcer: “Good morning, this is Radio Pakistan sports news. Here are tomorrow’s cricket scores.”
-----------------
Her: “Honey, I’ve got a tough question to ask you.”
Him: “Sure, go ahead.”
Her: “How many women have you slept with?”
Him: “Only you, darling.”
Her: “Really?”
Him: “Yes. With all the others I was awake.”
--------------
Two guys in bar.
First guy: “You’re very good at pulling the chicks. How do you do it?”
Second guy: “I have the most successful pickup line ever.”
First guy: “Really, what is it?”
Second guy: “Does this smell like chloroform?”
Second woman: “I caught my boyfriend in bed with my twin. He said, ‘I thought it was you.’”
First woman: “I guess that’s understandable.”
Second woman: “It would be easier to believe if we were identical, or even the same sex.”
-----------------
“Daddy, what’s between mum’s legs?”
“That’s paradise, my son.”
“And what’s between your legs, dad?”
“That’s the key to the paradise, my boy.”
“Well, you’d better change the lock, the man next door has a copy.”
-----------------
First woman: “I hear you bought a new car.”
Second woman: “Yes, Renault and Ford worked together on a new car for women. They mixed the Clio and the Taurus and called it the ‘Clitaurus’. It comes in pink and the average male thief won’t be able to find it, even if someone tells him where it is.”
-----------------
First man to second man: “Do your eyes ever burn, your nose runs and you get teary-eyed after having sex?”
Second man: “Yes, all the time.”
First man: “Why is that?”
Second man: “I think it’s the pepper spray.”
-----------------
Hotel receptionist: “Welcome to Holiday Hotel. Are you checking in?”
Man: “Yes, thank you. I hope the cough channel in my room is disabled.”
Receptionist: “No, it’s regular cough, you sick cough.”
-----------------
First man: “Do you ever look at your wife’s face when you make love?”
Second man: “I did once and saw anger in her face.”
First man: “Why anger?”
Second man: “Because she was watching through the window.”
----------------
Wife: “I feel horrible. I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.”
Husband: “Your eyesight is damn near perfect.”
---------------
Man to little boy: “What’s wrong? Why are you crying?”
Boy: “My mum just died.”
Man: “Oh no, that’s terrible. Do you want me to call a priest?”
Boy: “No thanks, sex is the last thing on my mind right now.”
--------------------
Radio announcer: “Good morning, this is Radio Pakistan sports news. Here are tomorrow’s cricket scores.”
-----------------
Her: “Honey, I’ve got a tough question to ask you.”
Him: “Sure, go ahead.”
Her: “How many women have you slept with?”
Him: “Only you, darling.”
Her: “Really?”
Him: “Yes. With all the others I was awake.”
--------------
Two guys in bar.
First guy: “You’re very good at pulling the chicks. How do you do it?”
Second guy: “I have the most successful pickup line ever.”
First guy: “Really, what is it?”
Second guy: “Does this smell like chloroform?”
rechoboam
Active Member
- Joined
- Aug 9, 2010
- Posts
- 930
Can't blame her for that one (for once), or reward her for it I guess. Its an email hoax and it used to be credited to J Howard
- Joined
- Jun 20, 2002
- Posts
- 17,681
- Qantas
- Gold
- Virgin
- Platinum
Going around a second time
Let's hope that isn't the case for her
Let's hope that isn't the case for her
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