A bit of humour

[Deleted member]

**'Hello?'**




**'Hi honey.**
**This is Daddy.**
**Is Mommy near the phone?'**







**'No, Daddy.**
**She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'**







**After a brief pause,**







**Daddy says,**
**'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.'**






**'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy,**
**Right now.'**







Brief Pause.






**'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.**
**Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs**
**And knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy**
**That Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'**





**'Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.'**







**A few minutes later**
**The little girl comes back to the phone.**





**'I did it, Daddy.'**





**'And what happened, honey?' **

'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed With no clothes on and ran around screaming.**








**Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser**
**And now she isn't moving at all!'**








**'Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?'**







**'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.**








**He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window**
**And into the swimming pool.**
**But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water**
**Last week to clean it.**







**He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'**








*****Long Pause*****








*****Longer Pause*****







*****Even Longer Pause*****







**Then Daddy says,**







**'Swimming pool? ...........**



**Is this 486-5731?'*

An oldie. But a goldie

 

[drron]

 

[straitman]

Where do we donate :?:

 

[Deleted member]

Iwas going on a Spring Holiday last week and had just boarded my
plane and was settled into a seat next to the window
>>
>> when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his Black
Labrador in the middle seat next to mine.
>>
>> I looked quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog wasallowed
on the plane.
>>
>> The man explained that he was from the Police Drugs Enforcement
Agency and that the dog was a 'sniffing dog'.
>>
>> 'His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is.
>> I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.'
>>
>> The plane took off, and once it has leveled out, the ‘Policeman’
said, 'Watch this.'
>>
>> He told Sniffer to 'search'.
>>
>> Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally satvery
purposefully next to a woman for several seconds.
>>
>> Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the
policeman's arm.
>>
>> The Policeman said, 'Good boy', and he turned to me and said,
'That woman is in possession of marijuan_,
>> I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will
apprehend her when we land.
>>
>> 'Gee, that's pretty good,' I replied.
>>
>> Once again, the Policeman sent Sniffer to search the aisles.
>>
>> The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds,
returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws
>> on the agent's arm.
>>
>> The Policeman said, 'Two paws mean that man is carrying cocaine,
so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the
>> police when we land.'
>>
>> 'I like it!' I said.
>>
>> The Policeman then told Sniffer to 'search' again.
>>
>> Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, satdown
for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent,
>> jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to **** all overthe place.
>>
>> I was really disgusted by this behaviour and
>> couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog wouldbehave like that.
>>
>> So I asked the Policeman, 'What's going on?'
>>
>> The Policeman nervously replied, 'He's just found a bomb.'

 

[Major]

These are sentences exactly as typed by medical secretaries in Basildon, Essex, UK.


1. The patient has no previous history of suicide.


2. Patient has left her white blood cells at another hospital.


3. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.


4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.


5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.


6. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.


7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.


8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.


9. Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission.


10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but forgetful.


11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.


12. She is numb from her toes down.


13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.


14. The skin was moist and dry.


15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.


16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.


17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.


18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.


19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our care for physical therapy.


20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.


21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.


22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.


23. Skin: somewhat pale, but present.


24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.


25. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.


26. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

27. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.


28. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of fuel and crashed.


29. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.


30. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.


31. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Smith, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.


32. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.


33. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.

 

[QF WP]

I took the wife to a disco at the weekend. There was a guy on the dance floor giving it everything he had; breakdancing, moonwalking, back flips, the works.

My wife turned to me and said, " See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."

I said, "Looks like he's still bloody celebrating!!"

When I regained consciousness, I've been told I'll be in hospital for another 3 months until the injuries heal.

 

[Deleted member]

 

[Deleted member]

 

[Deleted member]

I took the wife to a disco at the weekend. There was a guy on the dance floor giving it everything he had; breakdancing, moonwalking, back flips, the works.

My wife turned to me and said, " See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."

I said, "Looks like he's still bloody celebrating!!"

When I regained consciousness, I've been told I'll be in hospital for another 3 months until the injuries heal.

Now that's funny

 

[Ikara]

I thought this was funny............

JB

 

[Maca44]

[TABLE="align: left"]
[TR]
[TD="bgcolor: transparent"]Two female teachers took a group of students from grades 1, 2 and 3 for a field trip to the Epsom Racecourse. When it was time to take the children to the 'bathroom', it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's toilet when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the little boys with their pants, and began hoisting them up one by one, holding on to their 'wee-wees' to direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one boy up, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring the teacher said, 'You must be in Grade 3?

'No ma'am', he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race, but I appreciate your help.'
[/TD]
[/TR]
[/TABLE]

 

[markis10]

DontFlyJetstar - A place to share your Jetstar complaints

Nothing more to say really!

 

[QF WP]

Canadian Speed Control

How's this for effective speed control ?



I don't know about you, but this would certainly slow me down !
People slow down and actually try to "straddle" the hole.



This is an actual speed control device that is currently in use.
It is MUCH cheaper than speed cameras, radar guns, police officers, etc.



Pretty clever -- especially when they move them around every day.

Isn't Art Wonderful ?

 

[SeatBackForward]

Canadian Speed Control

How's this for effective speed control ?

View attachment 8337

I don't know about you, but this would certainly slow me down !
People slow down and actually try to "straddle" the hole.

View attachment 8338

This is an actual speed control device that is currently in use.
It is MUCH cheaper than speed cameras, radar guns, police officers, etc.

View attachment 8339

Pretty clever -- especially when they move them around every day.

Isn't Art Wonderful ?

Hmm those rickshaws on the left make it look more like Indian speed control, and pity the day when someone speeds over what they think is a picture. Mind you Indian traffic is a joke of itself!

Editted to add: just realised this is actually an advertising campaign for "Pioneer Suspension".....

 

[anat0l]

DontFlyJetstar - A place to share your Jetstar complaints

Nothing more to say really!

When an airline has its own hate site shouldn't they be out of business?

The site's still missing something... errors...

 

[Flashback]

Canadian Speed Control

How's this for effective speed control ?

View attachment 8337

I don't know about you, but this would certainly slow me down !
People slow down and actually try to "straddle" the hole.

View attachment 8338

This is an actual speed control device that is currently in use.
It is MUCH cheaper than speed cameras, radar guns, police officers, etc.

View attachment 8339

Pretty clever -- especially when they move them around every day.

Isn't Art Wonderful ?

Reminds me of the drive to the office in Monrovia.... and driving between all our sites in Guinea and Liberia for that matter!

 

[Major]

Prime Minister Gillard walks into the Commonwealth Bank of Australia to cash a cheque. As she approaches the cashier she says "Good morning , could you please cash this cheque for me"?

Cashier: "It would be my pleasure Miss. Could you please show me your ID?"

Gillard: "Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am Prime Minister Julia Gillard, the Prime Minister of Australia !!!

Cashier: "Yes Miss, I know who you are, but with all the regulations, monitoring, of the banks because of impostors and forgers, etc I must insist on seeing ID."

Gillard: "Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you.
Everybody knows who I am."

Cashier: "I am sorry Prime Minister but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."

Gillard: "I am urging you please to cash this cheque."

Cashier: "Look Prime Minister this is what we can do: One day Adam Scott came into the bank without ID.
To prove he was Adam Scott he pulled out his putting iron and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup.
With that shot we knew him to be Adam Scott and cashed his cheque.
Another time, Pat Rafter came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and made a fabulous shot where the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that spectacular shot we cashed his cheque..

So, Prime Minister, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you, as the Prime Minister of Australia ?"

GILLARD stood there thinking, and thinking and finally says: "Honestly, there is nothing that comes to my mind."
" I can't think of a single thing I'm good at."

Cashier: "Will that be large or small notes, Prime Minister?"

 

[JohnM]

Real tram sign in MEL:

 

[Deleted member]

Real tram sign in MEL:

View attachment 8359

How sad. Another reason not to use public transport

 

[markis10]

How sad. Another reason not to use public transport

Repeated in BNE on QR!