A bit of humour

[JohnM]

Repeated in BNE on QR!

Wonder if Jetstar will be next :shock:

 

[drron]

This probably belongs here.The back of the ticket from Amman Beach,the Dead Sea-

 

[jetlagger]

This probably belongs here.The back of the ticket from Amman Beach,the Dead Sea-

Just one more point 'omitted"

Flotation aids/devices nil required

 

[jetlagger]

Wonder if Jetstar will be next :shock:

Yep.. Just to add to the tackiness of the rest of the outfit.. & to assist in raising advertIsing revenue to the 'poor" fledging parent company.. :shock:

 

[Deleted member]

Repeated in BNE on QR!

It gets worse then

 

[Hvr]

I'd suggest that this is a well planned spoof that hasn't been picked up by the powers that be, yet.

Still it is funny.

 

[oz_mark]

I'd suggest that this is a well planned spoof that hasn't been picked up by the powers that be, yet.

A double entendre. Oh dear.

 

[Hvr]

A double entendre. Oh dear.

Who? Me?! :mrgreen: Well I never.

 

[Major]

Why I'm Divorced


Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my husband would be pleasant and say,
'Happy Birthday!', and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out, he barely said good morning, let alone ' Happy Birthday.'

I thought....well, that's marriage for you, but the kids.... they will remember.

My kids came bouncing down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word.
So when I left for the office I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my handsome boss Rick, said, 'Good morning, lady,
and by the way Happy Birthday!' It felt a little better that at least someone had
remembered.

I worked until one o'clock, when Rick knocked on my door and said, 'You know,
It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your birthday, what do
you say we go out to lunch, just you and me.'

I said, 'Thanks, Rick, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!'

We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. He chose instead
a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the
meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Rick said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day...we don't
need to go straight back to the office, do we?'

I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind?'

He said, 'Let's drop by my place, it's just around the corner.'

After arriving at his house, Rick turned to me and said, 'If you don't mind, I'm going
to step into the bedroom for just a moment. You make yourself comfortable, I'll be right back.'

'Ok.' I nervously replied.

He went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, he came out carrying a
huge birthday cake, followed by my husband, my kids, and dozens of my friends
and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday'.

And I just sat there....

on the couch....

naked.

 

[codash1099]

There once was a man who owned a sausage factory, and he was showing his arrogant preppy son around his factory.

Try as he might to impress his snobbish son, his son would just sneer. They approached the heart of the factory, where the father thought, "This should impress him!"

He showed his son a machine and said "Son, this is the heart of the factory. With this machine here we can put in a pig, and out come sausages.

The prudish son, unimpressed, said "Yes, but do you have a machine where you can put in a sausage and out comes a pig?"

The father, furious, thought and said, "Yes son, we call it your mother."

 

[Major]

Cardiologist and Motor Mechanic

A motor mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a BMW
M3 when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop

The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come
and take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the
garage, "Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?" The cardiologist, a
bit surprised walked over to him.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So
Doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, took the valves out,
repaired or replaced anything damaged, and then put everything back
in, and when I finished, it worked just like new. So how is that I
make £30,000 a year and you make £1.7M when you and I are doing
basically the same work?

The cardiologist paused, leaned over, and then whispered to the
mechanic.....


"Try doing it with the engine running!"

 

[Major]

An Inspirational Story


Recently I was asked to play in a golf tournament.
At first I said, 'Naaahhh !'
Then they said to me
'Come on, it's for handicapped and blind Kids.'

Then I thought...


F*ck - I could win this !'

 

[amaroo]

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

 

[codash1099]

Mr. Smith goes to the doctor's office to collect his wife's test results. The lab tech says to him, "I'm sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your wife's. Frankly, it is either bad or terrible!"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other for AIDS. We can't tell which is your wife."

"That's terrible! Can we take the test over?"

"Normally, yes. But you have an limit on benefits, and they won't pay for these expensive tests more than once."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

"The benefit fund recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town. If she finds her way home, don't sleep with her."

 

[codash1099]

Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, dies and goes to heaven.

At the gates, an angel tells Davidson, "Well, you've been such a good guy and your motorcycles have changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone you want to in Heaven."

Davidson thinks about it and says, "I wanna hang out with God, Himself."

The befeathered fellow at the Gates takes Arthur to the Throne Room and introduces him to God. Arthur then asks God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of Woman?"

God says, "Ah, yes."

"Well," says Davidson, "You have some major design flaws in your invention:

1. There's too much front end protrusion.

2. It chatters at high speeds.

3. The rear end wobbles too much, and

4. The intake is placed too close to the exhaust."

"Hmmm..." replies God, "hold on."

God goes to the Celestial Super computer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the result. The computer prints out a slip of paper and God reads it.


"It may be that my invention is flawed," God replies to Arthur Davidson, "but according to My Computer, more people are riding my invention than yours!"

 

[QF WP]

In the wake of last weeks' State of Origin decider, both the Queensland and New South Wales teams have announced new major sponsorship from beverage companies.

 

[Foreigner]

Not-so-happy parent!

 

[Foreigner]

What should the caption of this pic be?

 

[codash1099]

Insults for the Egotist

Here's a few ways to at least put a dent in a swelled head:


* _______ always enters a room voice first


* _______ has had a great love affair for years -- unassisted


* One thing about _______, he's always me-deep in conversation


* _______'s problem is he's going thru life with his horn stuck


* It wouldn't do one bit of good to for ________ to see himself as others do. He wouldn't believe it anyway


* If you've never heard a good word about _______, it's only because you haven't talked to him/her


* _______ keeps complaining he's not paid what he's worth. No wonder, his company would violate the Minimum Wage Law


* After listening to _______ extol his virtues, more than ever, you're sure that he has that certain nothing


* First impressions always count, but in _______'s case there's a lot less there than meets the eye


* Someone should tell _______ that there's a big difference between working up steam and generating a fog


* _______ claims he was cut out to be a genius. Too bad no one ever put the pieces together

 

[Foreigner]

"I don't want tartar control."