A bit of humour

Toward the end of the Sunday service, the Minister asked,

"How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"

80% held up their hands.

The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one
man, an avid golfer named Walter Barnes, who attended church only when the weather was bad.

"Mr. Barnes, it's obviously not a good morning for golf. It's good to see
you here today. Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"I don't have any," he replied gruffly.

"Mr. Barnes, that is very unusual. How old are you?"

"Ninety-eight," he replied. The congregation stood up and clapped their hands.

"Oh, Mr. Barnes, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a
person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?"

The old golfer tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit,

turned around, faced the congregation, and said simply,

" I outlived the coughs."
 
A WOMAN WALKS INTO AN ACCOUNTANT'S OFFICE AND TELLS HIM THAT SHE NEEDS TO FILE HER TAX RETURN

The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions."
He gets her name, address, tax file number, etc. and then asks," What is your occupation?"
"I'm a prostitute," she says.

The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, "Let us try to rephrase that."
The woman says, "OK, I 'm a high-end call girl".
"No, that still won't work. Try again."

They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm an elite chicken farmer."
The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?"
"Well, I raised 650 coughs last year."
"Chicken Farmer it is."
 
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An Irishman is cleaning his rifle and accidentally shoots his wife. He immediately dials 999.

Irishman: ''It's me fecken wife! I've accidentally shot her, I've fecken killed her!''

Operator: ''Please calm down, sir. Can you first make sure she is actually dead!''

*click* .. *BANG*

Irishman: ''Okay, I've done that. What next?''
 
Humor?

I just published a book on Frequent Flyer humor, but in reviewing it I realized that there's very little from Down Under. And having a buddy from Perth years ago, there's no doubt about the sense of humor, just the availability of material. If there's interest in a humor thread, I'd be happy to contribute, (and poach if there's something I've missed).

[redacted commercial content]
 
Last edited by a moderator:
Re: FEDEX - don't start me on the arrow in FEDEX!

A couple are in bed and the man hands his darling wife two aspirins and a glass of water.

The wife goes, "What's this for? I don't have a headache."

The man replies, "Great! So let's do it tonight, then."
 
I suppose this has been posted somewhere before, given that there's a healthy concentration of golfers on this forum, but what the heck.

Note: NSFW due to heavy swearing - consider wearing earphones (and start at a low volume).

[video=youtube;Bi6fPwWuO9I]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bi6fPwWuO9I[/video]
 
The first of Gina's mineworkers ready to leave for Australia-
image0011.jpg
 
anat0l said:
I suppose this has been posted somewhere before, given that there's a healthy concentration of golfers on this forum, but what the heck.

Note: NSFW due to heavy swearing - consider wearing earphones (and start at a low volume).

[video=youtube;Bi6fPwWuO9I]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bi6fPwWuO9I[/video]
Click to expand...

If it's been posted before, I've missed it :o

Hilarious, I was laughing so hard I had a coughing fit out walking the dog - I'm sure the nearby houseowners were getting ready to call an ambulance
 
I do think the Gold Coast gets a bad wrap when its a larger neighbour that actually has this bus stop just around the corner from Virgin HQ

IMG_20120615_083051.jpg
 
I posted this in the One World painting thread but its probably worth being here as well:

Now, imagine you are buying paint from Qantas [or another airline]:
First you spend days trying to reach them by phone to ask if they have paint. Nobody answers. So you drive to a Qantas store.
Customer: Hi. How much is your paint?
Shop Assistant: Well sir, that all depends on quite a lot of things.
Customer: Can you give me a guess? Is there an average price?
Shop Assistant: Our lowest price is $12 a litre and we have 60 different prices up to $200 a litre.
Customer: What’s the difference in the paint?
Shop Assistant: Oh, there isn’t any difference; it’s all the same paint.
Customer: Well, then I’d like some of that $12 paint.
Shop Assistant: When do you intend to use the paint?
Customer: I want to paint tomorrow. It’s my day off.
Shop Assistant: Sir, the paint for tomorrow is the $200 paint.
Customer: When would I have to paint to get the $12 paint?
Shop Assistant: You would have to start very late at night in about 3 weeks. But you will have to agree to start painting before Friday of that week and continue painting until at least Sunday.
Customer: You’ve got to be kidding!
Shop Assistant: I’ll check and see if we have any paint available.
Customer: You have shelves FULL of paint! I can see it!
Shop Assistant: But it doesn’t mean that we have paint available. We sell only a certain number of litres on any given weekend. Oh, and by the way, the price per litre just went to $16. We don’t have any more $12 paint.
Customer: The price went up as we were talking?
Shop Assistant: Yes, sir. We change the prices and rules hundreds of times day, and since you haven’t actually walked out of the store with your paint yet, we just decided to change. I suggest you purchase your paint as soon as possible. How many litres do you want?
Customer: Well, maybe five litres. Make that six, so I’ll have enough.
Shop Assistant: Oh no, sir, you can’t do that. If you buy paint and don’t use it, there are penalties and possible confiscation of the paint you already have.
Customer: WHAT?
Shop Assistant: We can sell enough paint to do your kitchen, bathroom, hall and north bedroom, but if you stop painting before you do the bedroom, you will lose your remaining litres of paint.
Customer: What does it matter whether I use all the paint? I already paid you for it!
Shop Assistant: We make plans based upon the idea that all our paint is used, every drop. If you don’t, it causes us all sorts of problems.
Customer: This is crazy!! I suppose something terrible happens if I don’t keep painting until after Saturday night!
Shop Assistant: Oh yes! Every litre you bought automatically becomes the $200 paint.
Customer: But what are all these “Paint on sale from $10 a litre” signs
Shop Assistant: Well, that’s for our budget paint. It only comes in half-litres. One $5 half-litre will do half a room. The second half-litre to complete the room is $20. None of the cans have labels, some are empty and there are no refunds, even on the empty cans.
Customer: To hell with this! I’ll buy what I need somewhere else!
Shop Assistant: I don’t think so, sir. You may be able to buy paint for your bathroom and bedrooms, and your kitchen and dining room from someone else, but you won’t be able to paint your connecting hall and stairway from anyone but us. And I should > point out sir, that if you paint in only one direction, it will be $300 a litre.
Customer: I thought your most expensive paint was $200!
Shop Assistant: That’s if you paint around the room to the point at which you started. A hallway is different.
Customer: And if I buy $200 paint for the hall, but only paint in one direction, you’ll confiscate the remaining paint.
Shop Assistant: No, we’ll charge you an extra use fee plus the difference on your next litre of paint. But I believe you’re getting it now sir.
Customer: You’re insane!
Shop Assistant: But we’re now THIS COUNTRY’S only paint supplier so don’t go looking for bargains!
Thanks for painting with Qantas!

http://jmm.aaa.net.au/articles/7192.htm
 
An old gentleman lived alone in New Jersey . He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

~Dear Vincent, I am feeling pretty sad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days. Love, Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son:

~Dear Papa, Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried. Love, Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son:

~Dear Papa, Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you, Vinnie



.
 
He grasped me firmly, but gently, just above my elbow and guided me into a room, his room. Then he quietly shut the door and we were alone. He approached me soundlessly, from behind, and spoke in a low, reassuring voice close to my ear.

"Just relax."

Without warning, he reached down and I felt his strong, calloused hands start at my ankles, gently probing, and moving upward along my calves, slowly but steadily. My breath caught in my throat.

I knew I should be afraid, but somehow I didn't care. His touch was so experienced, so sure. When his hands moved up onto my thighs, I gave a slight shudder, and partly closed my eyes. My pulse was pounding. I felt his knowing fingers caress my abdomen, my ribcage. And then, as he cupped my firm, full breasts in his hands, I inhaled sharply.

Probing, searching, knowing what he wanted, he brought his hands to my shoulders, slid them down my tingling spine. Although I knew nothing about this man, I felt oddly trusting and expectant. This is a man, I thought. A man used to taking charge. A man not used to taking 'No' for an answer. A man who would tell me what he wanted. A man who would look into my soul and say...

"Okay ma'am, you can board your flight now."

WOW! That's how powerful a TSA man can be!
 
An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.
They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, 'Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building.' The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, 'Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too.' The blonde opened his lunch and said, ' Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too.'

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death. The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too. The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.
At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, 'If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!' The Mexican's wife also wept and said, 'I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much.' (Oh this is GOOD!!) Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife.

The blonde's wife said, 'Don't look at me. The idiot makes his own lunch.'
 

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