A bit of humour

[codash1099]

SIGNS YOU'RE GETTING TOO OLD TO DRIVE


* It takes more than four minutes to get out of your car.

* When backing into a parking spot, you just back up until you
hear something.

* It scares you to drive the speed limit.

* You use cruise control because your leg fell asleep.

* You inquired if the dealership could install magnifying glass for
the windshield.

* Your turn signal has been on since 2004.

* Your bumper sticker endorses Menzies.

* When the police pull you over, they're surprised to find out you're sober.

 

[codash1099]

Mac died at the controls of his plane and went to pilots' hell,
where he found a hideous devil and three doors.

The devil was busy escorting other pilots to various "hell
rooms."

"I'll be right back, don't go away," said the devil, and he
vanished.

Sneaking over to the first door, Mac peeked in and saw a coughpit
where the pilot was condemned to forever run through pre-flight
checks.

He slammed that door and peeked into the second. There, alarms
rang and red lights flashed while a pilot had to avoid one
emergency after another. Unable to imagine a worse fate, Mac
cautiously opened the third door.

He was amazed to see many beautiful, scantily clad flight
attendants answering to a captain's every whim. He quickly
returned to his place seconds before the devil reappeared.

"Okay, Mac," said the devil, "Which door will it be, number 1 or
number 2?"

"Um, I want door number 3," answered Mac.

"Sorry," said the devil. "You can't have door number 3. That's
flight attendants' hell."

 

[Major]

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says "Hang on! You're a duck."

"I see your eyes are working" replies the duck.

"And you can talk!" exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working too" says the duck. "Now if you don't mind,
can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Certainly, sorry about that" says the barman as he pulls the duck a pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road” explains the duck "I'm a plasterer."

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it. So the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens every day for two weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town.

The Ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"

"Sounds marvelous" says the Ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call."

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says "Hey Mr Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."

"In this trade I'm always looking for the next job” says the duck "Where is it?"

"At the circus” says the barman.

"The circus?" repeats the duck.

"That's right” replies the barman.

"The circus?" the duck asks again “With the big tent?"

"Yeah," the barman replies.

"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.

"Of course!" the barman replies.

"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck."

That's right!" says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement.

"What the coughk would they want with a plasterer?"

 

[codash1099]

PLACES I'VE BEEN

I have been in many places, but I've rarely been in Cahoots, Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.


​

I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.


​

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work. I live close so it's a short drive.


​

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.


​

I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.


​

I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.


​

Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.


​

One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!


​

And, sometimes I think I am in Vincible but life shows me I am not.


People keep telling me I'm in Denial but I'm positive I've never been there before!


​

I have been in Deepsh*t many times; the older I get, the easier it is to get there. I actually kind of enjoy it there.


​

So far, I haven't been in Continent; but my travel agent says I'll be going soon.


​

 

[whatmeworry]

This is a real yearbook photo from a school in Melbourne.

 

[anat0l]

This is a real yearbook photo from a school in Melbourne.

Well, you ladies may not be related, but what's the chances that all eight of you are definitely in cahoots!

Whilst it's a plausible outcome, I do have my doubts if this is actually real.... (FWIW, we had a handful of Nguyens in our final year cohort, including two boys with the same first name and last name (middle names differed)...)

 

[Hvr]

A bloke sees a notice in a shop window 'Talking centipede $50'. He goes in, buys it and takes it home in a little box.

Later that day he says to the centipede ''Do you fancy going out for a pint'' ? he gets no answer. He repeats the question & still no answer. Then thinking he's been ripped off he shouts "I SAID DO YOU FANCY GOING OUT FOR A PINT OR NOT'' ? to which the centipede replies " Hang on, I'm putting my flippin' boots on" !!

 

[jetlagger]

View attachment 7435

This is a real yearbook photo from a school in Melbourne.

Simply... suspect this!

 

[serfty]

Simply... suspect this!

I don't - except for "Smith", there more "Nguyen"s listed in the Melbourne 'phone book than any other name.¹

¹ Melbourne's multicultural history - City of Melbourne

 

[flychrisfly]

I'd be tempted to believe it but 'what' and 'we're' look like the same person!

 

[Major]

I met a fairy today who granted me one wish."

I want to live forever" I said."

Sorry" said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that, try something else."

"Fine" I said, "I don't want to die until Julia Gillard is re-elected as Prime Minister".

"You're a shifty little cough, aren't you?" said the fairy.

 

[Deleted member]

4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions

 

[Deleted member]

You're An EXTREME Redneck When...
1.You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of herkids.
2.The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas isin it.
3.You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
4.You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night.
5.You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.
6.Someone in your family died right after saying, 'Hey, guys, watch this.'
7.You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
8.Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
9.Your junior prom offered day care.
10.You think the last words of the Star-Spangled Banner are 'Gentlemen, start yourengines. '
11.You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
12.The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
13.You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
14.One of your kids was born on a pool table.
15.You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House ofTattoos.
16.You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
17.You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

 

[SeatBackForward]

4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions

There are three kind of people in the world, those who can do maths and those who can't.

 

[simongr]

4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions

There are three kind of people in the world, those who can do maths and those who can't.

If we are going that path...

There are 10 types of people in the world - those who understand binary and those who do not.

 

[QF WP]

A teacher asked her 6th grade class how many of them were Gillard fans.

Not really knowing what a Gillard fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for Little Johnny..

The teacher asked Little Johnny why he has decided to be different.... Again.

Little Johnny said, "Because I'm not a Gillard fan."

The teacher asked, "Why aren't you a fan of Gillard?" Johnny said, "Because I'm a Liberal."

The teacher asked him why he's a Liberal. Little Johnny answered, "Well, my Mom's a Liberal and my Dad's a Liberal, so I'm a Liberal."

Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, "If your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?"

With a big smile, Little Johnny replied, "That would make me a Gillard fan."

 

[QF WP]

Aussie Politicians' Queries on Flight Bookings.........



This is priceless funny stuff; but alas, is only a small indication of how much trouble our country is in.

A Canberra airport ticket agent offers some examples of 'why' our country is in trouble:



1. I had a politician Julie Bishop ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.
(On an airplane!)



2. I got a call from a Queensland politician (Katter) staffer (Howard Bauleke), who wanted to go to Capetown.

I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, and then he interrupted me with, ''I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown IS in Queensland....''

Without trying to make him look stupid, I calmly explained, ''Cooktown is in Qld, Capetown is in South Africa '' - his response was to hang up.



3. Senior Labor Politician Kevin Rudd
called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room.

I tried to explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, 'don't lie to me, I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!''



4. I got a call from a Politicians wife
Landra Reid, who asked, ''Is it possible to see England from Canada ?''
I said, ''No.''
She said, ''But they look so close on the map.''

 

[Major]

ONE HAS TO BE VERY CAREFUL IN WHAT THEY WRITE!!!!!


Subject: lost art of Capitalisation in text messages and emails....

I've noticed that more and more people who send text messages & emails seem to have forgotten the art of Capital letters.
For those of you who fall into this category, please consider the following statement:

"Capitalisation is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse."

Is everybody clear on that?

 

[Deleted member]

reminds me of the Blond who was on an Australian quiz show.
Q which is further away? London or the Moon?
A: .......thinks.......London she says.
wrong replied the quiz master. its the moon!
Derr she says can you see London from here ?

 

[QF WP]

5. Aide for a cabinet member Janet Napolitano once called and asked if she could rent a car in Sydney. I pulled up the reservation and noticed she had only a 1-hour layover in Sydney. When I asked her why she wanted to rent a car, she said,
''I heard Sydney was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time.''



6. Independent (Wilkie) called last week. He needed to know how it was possible that his flight from Sydney left at 8:30 a.m., and got to Perth at 8:33 a.m. I explained that Sydney was three hours ahead of Perth, but he couldn't understand the concept of time zones.

Finally, I told him the plane went fast, and he bought that.




7. Federal politician (Joe Hockey) called and asked, ''Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?''
I said, 'No, why do you ask?'
He replied, ''Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!''
I put him on hold for a minute, while I looked into it (I was dying laughing).

I came back and explained the city code for Fraser Island is FAT (Fraser Air Terminal) and the airline was just putting a destination tag on his luggage.



8. Senator (Bronwyn Bishop) called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, ''Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii ?''