A bit of humour

[gab]

Welcome to AFF, gab:!: First post I see but joined some time ago!

Hi yep, joined a long time ago, I have had a couple of postings, but they seemed to disappear, anyhow, I used to do a lot of flying, but not often now. Based in Perth & mainly driving for travel now.

 

[simongr]

I don't think this guy could go hand luggage only...

 

[serfty]

Woman Driver Awards:

10th place goes to…

And the 9th place goes to…

8th place…

7th…

6th…

5th…

4th…

Bronze Medal Winner…

Silver Medal Winner…

…with her helmet being worn backwards.
And the Gold Medal goes to…

 

[QF WP]

Re: Woman Driver Awards:

To show your support for Prime Minister Gillard and the great job she is doing please go to the end of the list and add your name. ..

1. Tim Mathieson.... relation......de facto
2


If you don't want to sign, and in order not to lose any names, just hit forward and send it on.

 

[flyingfan]

I don't think this guy could go hand luggage only...

What I want to know is, was there an NGCI tag :?:

 

[whatmeworry]

Re: Woman Driver Awards:

Irrefutable proof that a good woman can bring Balance and Stability to your life

 

[whatmeworry]

And carbon grilled!

 

[drron]

More truth than funny but here it is-

Checking out at the store, the young cashier suggested to the older
>> woman, that she should bring her own grocery bags because plastic bags
>> weren't good for the environment.
>>
>> The woman apologized and explained, "We didn't have this green thing
>> back in my earlier days."
>>
>> The young clerk responded, "That's our problem today.
>> Your generation did not care enough to save our environment for future
>> generations."
>>
>> She was right -- our generation didn't have the green thing in its day.
>>
>> Back then, we returned milk bottles, soda bottles and beer bottles to
>> the store. The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and
>> sterilized and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and
>> over. So they really were recycled.
>>
>> But we didn't have the green thing back in our day.
>>
>> Grocery stores bagged our groceries in brown paper bags, that we
>> reused for numerous things, most memorable besides household garbage bags,
>> was the use of brown paper bags as book covers for our schoolbooks.
>> This was to ensure that public property, (the books
>> provided for our use by the school) was not defaced by our
>> scribblings. Then we were able to personalize our books on the brown
>> paper bags.
>>
>> But too bad we didn't do the green thing back then.
>>
>> We walked up stairs, because we didn't have an escalator in every
>> store and office building. We walked to the grocery store and didn't
>> climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time we had to go two
>> blocks.
>>
>> But she was right. We didn't have the green thing in our day.
>>
>> Back then, we washed the baby's diapers because we didn't have the
>> throwaway kind. We dried clothes on a line, not in an energy-gobbling
>> machine burning up 220 volts -- wind and solar power really did dry
>> our clothes back in our early days.
>> Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters,
>> not always brand-new clothing.
>>
>> But that young lady is right; we didn't have the green thing back in our
>> day.
>>
>> Back then, we had one TV, or radio, in the house -- not a TV in every
>> room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a handkerchief
>> (remember them?), not a screen the size of the state of Montana. In
>> the kitchen, we blended and stirred by hand because we didn't have
>> electric machines to do everything for us.
>> When we packaged a fragile item to send in the mail,
>> we used wadded up old newspapers to cushion it,
>> not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap. Back then,
>> we didn't fire up an engine and burn gasoline just to cut the lawn.
>> We used a push mower that ran on human power.
>> We exercised by working so we didn't need to
>> go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity.
>>
>> But she's right; we didn't have the green thing back then.
>>
>> We drank from a fountain when we were thirsty instead of using a cup
>> or a plastic bottle every time we had a drink of water. We refilled
>> writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and we replaced the
>> razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just
>> because the blade got dull.
>>
>> But we didn't have the green thing back then.
>>
>> Back then, people took the bus and kids rode their
>> bikes to school or walked instead of turning their moms into a 24-hour
>> taxi service. We had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire
>> bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances. And we didn't need a
>> computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites
>> 23,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest burger joint.
>>
>> But isn't it sad that the current generation laments how wasteful we old
>> folks were just because we didn't have the green thing back then?
>>
>> Please forward this on to another selfish old person who needs a
>> lesson in conservation from a smartass young person...
>>
>> We don't like being old in the first place,
>> so it doesn't take much to tick us off.
>

 

[drron]

My small grandson got lost at the shopping centre.

He approached a uniformed security guard and said,

"I've lost my granddad!"

The guard asked: "What's he like?"

The little tyke hesitated for a moment and then replied,

"Rum and Coke and women with big cough."

 

[QF WP]

BRASS MONKEYS !!! DID YOU KNOW THIS?

It was necessary to keep a good supply of cannon balls near the cannon on old war ships.



But how to prevent them from rolling about the deck was the problem. The storage method devised was to stack them as a square based pyramid, with one ball on top, resting on four, resting on nine, which rested on sixteen.



Thus, a supply of 30 cannon balls could be stacked in a small area right next to the cannon. There was only one problem -- how to prevent the bottom layer from sliding/rolling from under the others.

The solution was a metal plate with 16 round indentations, called, for reasons unknown, a Monkey. But if this plate were made of iron, the iron balls would quickly rust to it. The solution to the rusting problem was to make them of brass - hence, Brass Monkeys.

Few landlubbers realise that brass contracts much more and much faster than iron when chilled.



Consequently, when the temperature dropped too far, the brass indentations would shrink so much that the iron cannon balls would come right off the monkey.



Thus, it was quite literally, cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey. And all this time, folks thought that was just a vulgar expression?

You must send this fabulous bit of historical knowledge to at least a few intellectual friends.

 

[Major]

I have a little Satnav
It sits there in my car
A Satnav is a driver's friend
It tells you where you are

It gives me full instructions
On exactly how to drive
"It's thirty miles an hour" it says
"And you're doing thirty five"

It tells me when to stop and start
And when to use the brake
And tells me that it's never ever
Safe to overtake

It tells me when a light is red
And when it goes to green
It seems to know instinctively
Just when to intervene

It lists the vehicles just in front
It lists those to the rear
And taking this into account
It specifies my gear

I'm sure no other driver
Has so helpful a device
For when we leave and lock the car
It still gives its advice

It fills me up with counselling
Each journey's pretty fraught
So why don't I exchange it
And get a quieter sort?

Ah well, you see, it cleans the house
Makes sure I'm properly fed
It washes all my shirts and things
And - keeps me warm in bed!

 

[simongr]

More truth than funny but here it is-
>>
>> But isn't it sad that the current generation laments how wasteful we old
>> folks were just because we didn't have the green thing back then?
>>
>> Please forward this on to another selfish old person who needs a
>> lesson in conservation from a smartass young person...
>>
>> We don't like being old in the first place,
>> so it doesn't take much to tick us off.
>[/SIZE]

A lot of truth there - no mention of the wars that consumed just a little resources.

The only one I would disagree with is the TVs - they weren't small because people were conserving energy -they were small because technology didnt make them big enough...

 

[whatmeworry]

Studies suggest that parents are happier than non-parents, however his study was not conducted at an airport!

 

[SeatBackForward]

I'm not sure if this has been mentioned on here before, but I must thoroughly recommend the BBC radio play series Cabin Pressure to you all. (yes, kids, once upon a time there were these things called radio plays, like TV shows but on the radio. Back before the radio was populated by idiotic shock jocks and Kyle Sandilands... )

Essentially its a comedy about an airline (airdot!) called MJN Air and the misfits working for it. (Quote: "I don't have an airline. I have one jet. You cannot put one jet in a line. If MJN is anything, it is an air dot.")

3 series to date, each of 6 x 28 minute episodes. They are currently repeating the second series in the UK so episodes are popping up on BBC iPlayer (via BBC - BBC Radio 4 Programmes - Cabin Pressure ) and seem to work here in Aus (although some random show was on for a couple of minutes prior when I last tested it...) and its also a fairly cheap legal download here: Cabin Pressure: The Complete Series 1 | Audiobook | AudioGO : audiobooks, CDs, downloads . If you give an Aussie address the download still works but the VAT is subtracted

The writing and cast are excellent - the polar opposite of Kyle Sandilands in quality, intellect and talent to put it mildly! The pilots are played by Roger Allam and Benedict coughberbatch, both of whom have won Olivier awards for their theatre work. The only downside is that if I get on any plane and my pilot/FO are named Martin and Douglas then I'll probably ask to get off!

"That's the beauty of vodka - colourless, odourless, proof that God loves pilots. Or at least the Russians do."
:mrgreen::mrgreen:

Ok i've just scoffed down the first two series of this and one word - "BRILLIANT!". News is a fourth series is going to be produced.

 

[Flashback]

Masonic Phantom would appreciate this one.

"The WM of our Lodge found a bottle with a Genie in it. In accordance with custom, the Genie offered to grant him a wish.
"OK," said the WM, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I hate to fly. So my wish is for you to build a bridge so I can drive to Hawaii."
"I can't do that!!!" exclaimed the Genie. "Don't you know that's impossible? No Genie could do that. It's too far, the water is too deep, it's just totally beyond anybody's power. You will have to make another wish."
"OK," said the Master. "I wish that at our next Stated Meeting all the old PMs would just get along and not cause any trouble, not have to tell us how they did it their year, not complain about the ritual, not put down the current officers ... just sit on the sidelines and behave!"
"Hmmmmm," said the Genie. "Do you want that bridge with 2 lanes or 4??"
"The WM of our Lodge found a bottle with a Genie in it. In accordance with custom, the Genie offered to grant him a wish.
"OK," said the WM, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I hate to fly. So my wish is for you to build a bridge so I can drive to Hawaii."
"I can't do that!!!" exclaimed the Genie. "Don't you know that's impossible? No Genie could do that. It's too far, the water is too deep, it's just totally beyond anybody's power. You will have to make another wish."
"OK," said the Master. "I wish that at our next Stated Meeting all the old PMs would just get along and not cause any trouble, not have to tell us how they did it their year, not complain about the ritual, not put down the current officers ... just sit on the sidelines and behave!"
"Hmmmmm," said the Genie. "Do you want that bridge with 2 lanes or 4??"

 

[drmikki]

Ok i've just scoffed down the first two series of this and one word - "BRILLIANT!". News is a fourth series is going to be produced.

Wait til you get to series 3, episode 5 (Rotterdam) where the crew try to record a safety video! John Travolta, eat your heart out... :mrgreen:

 

[Hvr]

BRASS MONKEYS !!! DID YOU KNOW THIS?

It was necessary to keep a good supply of cannon balls near the cannon on old war ships.

You must send this fabulous bit of historical knowledge to at least a few intellectual friends.

Always good to see this old chestnut pop up for another run every so often. Sadly as with many such yarns they are easily debunked. Snopes has such a debunking.

Oh and at minus five degrees here this morning it wasn't the monkeys I was worried about.

 

[QF WP]

Hvr, don't let the truth get in the way of a good story

Brr, really looking forward to ozfest then

Another one:

We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes,
But the plural of ox becomes oxen, not oxes.
One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice,
Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.

If the plural of man is always called men,
Why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?
If I speak of my foot and show you my feet,
And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
Why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?

Then one may be that, and there would be those,
Yet hat in the plural would never be hose,
And the plural of cat is cats, not cose.
We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
But though we say mother, we never say methren.
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
But imagine the feminine: she, shis and shim!

Let's face it – English is a crazy language.
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger;
Neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England.

We take English for granted, but if we explore its paradoxes,
We find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square,
And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write, but fingers don't fing,
Grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?

Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend?
If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them,
What do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?
We ship by truck but send cargo by ship...
We have noses that run and feet that smell.
We park in a driveway and drive in a parkway.
And how can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same,
While a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language
In which your house can burn up as it burns down,
In which you fill in a form by filling it out,
And in which an alarm goes off by going on.

And in closing...

If Father is Pop, how come Mother's not Mop???

 

[QF WP]

During a recent password audit by a company, it was found that an employee was using the following password:

"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento"

When asked why she had such a long password, she rolled her eyes and said:
"Hello! It has to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital."

 

[Foreigner]

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