A bit of humour

[alieninperth]

I had this song going around my head all morning. If you don't or have not lived in London it may not make sense but I am guessing that it can be transplanted to any large city with a metro system. The London Underground Song: Amateur Transplants - YouTube

Caution, flash and bad language.

 

[drmikki]

Ah, Amateur Transplants - any medical or related person on this forum should be familiar with their work! (If you're not, google ASAP!) The Anaesthetist's Hymn is probably their most well-known medical song, although my personal favourite is Paracetamoxyfrusebendroneomycin, and I also have a soft spot for the drugs song (given my previous specialty area). Be warned though, as mentioned above their work is generally not safe for work - between the swearing and the mentions of paedophilia/death/other topics!

Sample from "Yellow" (one of the 'Snippets'), to the tune of the coldplay version: You're yellow, like the desert in Damascus is/ You're yellow because your liver has metastases/ You knooooow... / You're really ****ed you know...

(Not the best method of breaking bad news, but extremely catchy!! :mrgreen: )

 

[alieninperth]

I really like their song, northern birds. As I used to live in the north of England I could relate. My favourite sections of 'snippits' is 'consultants at kings' (sultans of swing - Dire Straits) again mainly because I knew and drank with a few of them.

 

[docjames]

+1 to Amateur transplants.

For the medicos there's also "Anaesthetics vs Orthoapedics" etc on youtube. Some great ones in that series.

 

[anat0l]

I had this song going around my head all morning. If you don't or have not lived in London it may not make sense but I am guessing that it can be transplanted to any large city with a metro system. The London Underground Song: Amateur Transplants - YouTube

Caution, flash and bad language.

I don't live in London, but been there 3 times and know what it all means Classic...perhaps unfair that I haven't experienced the full brunt of it all (the joys of being the occasional tourist).

And no I do not step on people's feet (nor would I wear such boots), and I do not leave chewing gum on the seat.

 

[Foreigner]

 

[Foreigner]

 

[Foreigner]

 

[Foreigner]

A public school teacher was arrested today at JFK airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator. At a morning press conference, Attorney General said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement.

He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

'Al-Gebra is a problem for us', the Attorney General said. 'They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.' They use secret code names like "X" and "Y" and refer to themselves as "unknowns" but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philosopher Isosceles used to say, "There are 3 sides to every triangle."

When asked to comment on the arrest, President said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes." White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President.

It is believed that another Nobel Prize will follow.

 

[Foreigner]

Phillip Hewitson, an elderly man was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"

He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.

Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available."

Phillip said, "Okay."

He hung up the phone and counted to 30.

Then he phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them." and he hung up.

Within five minutes, Six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Hewitson`s' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to Phillip, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

Phillip said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

 

[Foreigner]

Types Of BRA:

Poisonous Bra – Cobra

Mathematical Bra – Algebra

Sunsign Bra – Libra

Animal Bra – Zebra

 

[Foreigner]

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement home were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says, "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you are about my age. How do you feel?"

Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."

"Really!? Like a newborn baby!?"

"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."

 

[Major]

Complaints to Councils in the UK.
Extracts from letters written by council tenants:

1. It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.

2. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

3. I wish to complain that my father twisted his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

4. Their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

5. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off.

6. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

7. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

8. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

9. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

10. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are just plain filthy.

11. The next door neighbour has got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.

12. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

13. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

14. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now is in three pieces.

15. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6am his cough wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.

16. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

17. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.

18. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

19. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife..

20. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.

21. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.

 

[QF WP]

The look on Obama's face is priceless, irrespective of the actual reason Clinton walked into the briefing room:

 

[wob.geek]

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A man checks into a hotel in Auckland while on a business trip and was a bit lonely.

He thought of one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab.

He popped into a phone booth in Albert Street near the hotel and found an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs...... well, you get the picture! He copied the phone number and returned to his hotel.

When back in the room he figures, what the hell, give her a call.

'Hello,' the woman says.

God, she sounded sexy.

'Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one.. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. Tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want! Now, how does that sound?'

She says, 'That sounds fantastic, but you need to press 1 for an outside line.'

It took three hours for him to get the courage to Checkout next morning.



[/TD]
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[drron]

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
•
Borrow money from pessimists -- they don’t expect
it back.
•
Half the people you know are below average.
•
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
•
Conscience is what hurts when all your other parts
feel so good.
•
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad
memory.
•
If you want the rainbow, you have got to put up
with the rain.
•
All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my
hand.
•

 

[Major]

One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the
bunny trail and tripped over a large snake and fell,

kerplop right on his twitchy little nose.


'Oh please excuse me,' said the bunny.

'I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see.


'That's perfectly all right,' replied the snake.

'To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you up,

but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming..

By the way, what kind of animal are you?'

'Well, I really don't know,' said the bunny..
'I'm blind, and I've never seen myself..

Maybe you could examine me and find out.'

So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said,

'Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears,

and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose.

You must be a bunny rabbit!'


The bunny said, 'I can't thank you enough.

But by the way, what kind of animal are you?'

The snake replied that he didn't know either,
and the bunny agreed to examine him,

and when the bunny was finished, the snake asked,

'Well, what kind of an animal am I?'


The bunny had felt the snake all over, and he replied,


'You're cold, you're slippery, and you have no balls...

You must be a


POLITICIAN'

 

[Foreigner]

A Redneck went to the hospital as his w!fe was having a baby.
Upon arriving he sits down, and the nurse says,
"Congratulations, your wife has had quins, 5 big baby boys."
The Redneck says, "I'm not surprised, I have a cough on me like a chimney."
The nurse replies, "You might want to consider getting it cleaned, the babies are black."

 

[QF WP]

A guy was driving down a motorway in England with his blonde girlfriend and she piped up, "I think those people in the car next to us are from Wales."

"Why do you think that?" he said.

"Well, the kids are writing on the window and it says,

"stit ruoy su wohs."

 

[markis10]

Taken from http://www.news.com.au/business/clive-palmer-to-enter-federal-politics/story-e6frfm1i-1226342416868