A bit of humour
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An old prospector shuffled into the town of El Indio, Texas leading a tired old mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town, to clear his parched throat.
He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail.
As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.
The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, can you dance?"
The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No son, I don't dance... never really wanted to."
A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now!" and started shooting at the old man's feet.
The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown off, started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody standing around was laughing.
When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.
The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled 12 gauge shotgun and coughed both hammers.
The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air. The crowd stopped laughing immediately.
The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly.
The silence was deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin 12 gauge barrels.
The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said;
"Son, have you ever kissed a mule's cough?"
The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir... but... I've always wanted to!"
There are a few lessons for all of us here:
*Don't be arrogant.
*Don't waste ammunition.
*Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
*Always make sure you know who is in control...
*And finally, Don't screw around with old folks; they didn't get old by being stupid...
He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail.
As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.
The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, can you dance?"
The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No son, I don't dance... never really wanted to."
A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now!" and started shooting at the old man's feet.
The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown off, started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody standing around was laughing.
When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.
The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled 12 gauge shotgun and coughed both hammers.
The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air. The crowd stopped laughing immediately.
The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly.
The silence was deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin 12 gauge barrels.
The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said;
"Son, have you ever kissed a mule's cough?"
The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir... but... I've always wanted to!"
There are a few lessons for all of us here:
*Don't be arrogant.
*Don't waste ammunition.
*Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
*Always make sure you know who is in control...
*And finally, Don't screw around with old folks; they didn't get old by being stupid...
Paddy55
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Woman in Hot Air Balloon(A political joke provided with a sense of trepidation :shock
A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him,"Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes south latitude and 135 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude."She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Liberal voter.""I am," replied the man. "How did you know?""Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct. But I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."The man smiled and responded, "You must be a Gillard supporter.""I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?""Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are -- or where you are going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it's my fault."
A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him,"Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes south latitude and 135 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude."She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Liberal voter.""I am," replied the man. "How did you know?""Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct. But I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."The man smiled and responded, "You must be a Gillard supporter.""I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?""Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are -- or where you are going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it's my fault."
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For the 'photo gurus out there:
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JEWISH SUNBATHING
A widowed Jewish lady, still in good shape, was sunbathing on a totally deserted beach at Ft. Myers . She looked up and noticed that a man her age, also in good shape, had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand near hers and began reading a book..
Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him."How are you today?""Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book. "I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked."First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago," he replied and turned back to his book."I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away three years ago and it is very lonely," she countered. "Do you live around here?" She asked. Yes, I live over in Cape Coral ", he answered, and again he resumed reading.
Trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted, "Do you like cough cats?" With that, the man dropped his book, came over to her blanket, tore off her swimsuit and gave her the most passionate lovemaking of her life. When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man,"How did you know that was what I wanted?" The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"
A widowed Jewish lady, still in good shape, was sunbathing on a totally deserted beach at Ft. Myers . She looked up and noticed that a man her age, also in good shape, had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand near hers and began reading a book..
Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him."How are you today?""Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book. "I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked."First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago," he replied and turned back to his book."I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away three years ago and it is very lonely," she countered. "Do you live around here?" She asked. Yes, I live over in Cape Coral ", he answered, and again he resumed reading.
Trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted, "Do you like cough cats?" With that, the man dropped his book, came over to her blanket, tore off her swimsuit and gave her the most passionate lovemaking of her life. When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man,"How did you know that was what I wanted?" The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"
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Wife texts husband on a cold winters morning: "Windows frozen."
Husband texts back: "pour some luke warm water over it."
Wife texts back: "computer completely cough*ed now."
Only thing I want to know, is whether she was blonde as well
Husband texts back: "pour some luke warm water over it."
Wife texts back: "computer completely cough*ed now."
Only thing I want to know, is whether she was blonde as well
juddles
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Colombian joke, not sure how well I can translate it:
Passengers board jet, and after a substantial wait, they see the pilots finally board. Both pilots have walking sticks, and are clearly blind, wearing dark glasses and tapping their way up into the coughpit. A few minutes later the plane taxies onto the runway, and next thing they start to accelerate down the strip. The plane gets faster and faster, but the plane never begins to rotate. They are doing a zillion miles an hour and the end of the strip is in sight, but still the plane stays stuck to the tarmac. As the end of the runway approaches the passengers start to scream. Suddenly the aircraft rotates and they are succesfully airborne. In the coughpit one pilot says to the other: ¨You realize that one day they wont screaam and we will all be dead?¨
Passengers board jet, and after a substantial wait, they see the pilots finally board. Both pilots have walking sticks, and are clearly blind, wearing dark glasses and tapping their way up into the coughpit. A few minutes later the plane taxies onto the runway, and next thing they start to accelerate down the strip. The plane gets faster and faster, but the plane never begins to rotate. They are doing a zillion miles an hour and the end of the strip is in sight, but still the plane stays stuck to the tarmac. As the end of the runway approaches the passengers start to scream. Suddenly the aircraft rotates and they are succesfully airborne. In the coughpit one pilot says to the other: ¨You realize that one day they wont screaam and we will all be dead?¨
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Carmen Mary Lawrence (Labor West Australian Premier, February 1990 – February 1993)
Made history by being the first woman to hold the position, which she held for three years prior to a landslide election defeat.
Joan Elizabeth Kirner (Labor Victorian Premier, August 1990 – October 1992)
Made history by being the first woman to hold the position, which she held for two years prior to a landslide election defeat.
Kristina Kerscher Keneally (Labor New South Wales Premier, December 2009 – March 2011)
Made history by being the first woman to hold the position, which she held for a year and a half prior to a landslide election defeat.
Anna Maria Bligh (Labor Queensland Premier, September 2007 – March 2012)
Made history by being the first woman to hold the position, which she held for four and a half years prior to a landslide election defeat.
Julia Eileen Gillard (Labor Prime Minister, June 2010 – Not Soon Enough)
Made history by being the first woman to hold the position................
Made history by being the first woman to hold the position, which she held for three years prior to a landslide election defeat.
Joan Elizabeth Kirner (Labor Victorian Premier, August 1990 – October 1992)
Made history by being the first woman to hold the position, which she held for two years prior to a landslide election defeat.
Kristina Kerscher Keneally (Labor New South Wales Premier, December 2009 – March 2011)
Made history by being the first woman to hold the position, which she held for a year and a half prior to a landslide election defeat.
Anna Maria Bligh (Labor Queensland Premier, September 2007 – March 2012)
Made history by being the first woman to hold the position, which she held for four and a half years prior to a landslide election defeat.
Julia Eileen Gillard (Labor Prime Minister, June 2010 – Not Soon Enough)
Made history by being the first woman to hold the position................
medhead
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There fixed that for you.
In fact, isn't she also the first women premier to get reelected in her own right? Also weren't their female leaders in ACT and NT, and Tasmania?
Bit telling that one side of politics is leading the way on women in the top job.
Sent from the Throne
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Major
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In Canberra a venerable old priest lay dying in hospital. He was 93, and for years he had faithfully served the people of the nation's capital.
He knew his end was near, and he motioned for his nurse to come closer.
"Yes, Father?" said the nurse.
"I would really like to see the Prime Minister and the Treasurer before I die," whispered the priest.
The hospital authorities sent the request to Parliament and waited for a response.
Soon word arrived: Prime Minister Julia Gillard and Treasurer Wayne Swan would be delighted to visit the aged pastor.
As they entered the hospital, followed by a media throng and cameras from all the TV networks, Julia commented to Wayne, "I don't know why this old priest wants to see us, but going to see him for a few minutes won't hurt our image. It might even get me re-elected Prime Minister. After all, I'm IN IT TO WIN IT".
Wayne agreed that it was a good thing, as he wanted to remain as Treasurer and play with our money like it was Monopoly or growing on a tree.
When they arrived at his room, the priest beamed and clasped Julia's hand in his right hand and Wayne's hand in his left.
There was silence and a look of serenity spread over the old priest's wizened visage.
Finally PM Julia broke the silence.
"Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you want us to be with you as you near the end?"
The old priest slowly replied, "I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ."
"Of course", said Julia.
"Amen," said Wayne.
"Jesus died between two lying thieves; I would like to do the same." said the priest.
He knew his end was near, and he motioned for his nurse to come closer.
"Yes, Father?" said the nurse.
"I would really like to see the Prime Minister and the Treasurer before I die," whispered the priest.
The hospital authorities sent the request to Parliament and waited for a response.
Soon word arrived: Prime Minister Julia Gillard and Treasurer Wayne Swan would be delighted to visit the aged pastor.
As they entered the hospital, followed by a media throng and cameras from all the TV networks, Julia commented to Wayne, "I don't know why this old priest wants to see us, but going to see him for a few minutes won't hurt our image. It might even get me re-elected Prime Minister. After all, I'm IN IT TO WIN IT".
Wayne agreed that it was a good thing, as he wanted to remain as Treasurer and play with our money like it was Monopoly or growing on a tree.
When they arrived at his room, the priest beamed and clasped Julia's hand in his right hand and Wayne's hand in his left.
There was silence and a look of serenity spread over the old priest's wizened visage.
Finally PM Julia broke the silence.
"Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you want us to be with you as you near the end?"
The old priest slowly replied, "I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ."
"Of course", said Julia.
"Amen," said Wayne.
"Jesus died between two lying thieves; I would like to do the same." said the priest.
drron
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But Kate Carnell was a liberal Chief Minister of the ACT,the first Commonwealth Govt female minister was a liberal-Dame Enid Lyons.There fixed that for you.
In fact, isn't she also the first women premier to get reelected in her own right? Also weren't their female leaders in ACT and NT, and Tasmania?
Bit telling that one side of politics is leading the way on women in the top job.
Sent from the Throne
Then of course South Australia at their last election did not have the sense to elect their first woman Premier.
medhead
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The stupidity of South Australians, something we can agree about.
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Love it when medhead is self deprecative 
docjames
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Unfortunately, geography of my abode is the only connection I claim to South Australia. Hence, I wasn't including myself in that comment.
Sent from the Throne
Is is....
Worse to be born there? Or to choose to live there?
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