A bit of humour

Paddy and Mick were walking along a street in London .
Paddy looked in one of the shop windows and saw a sign that caught his eye.
The sign read, "Suits £5.00 each, Shirts £2.00 each, trousers £2.50 per pair".


Paddy said to his pal, "Mick look at the prices! We could buy a whole lot of dose and when we get back to Ireland we could make a fortune.
Now when we go in you stay quiet, okay? Let me do all da talking cause if they hear our accents, they might think were thickos from Ireland and try to screw us. I'll put on my best English accent".


"Roight y'are Paddy, I'll keep me mouth shut, so I will. You do all da business" said Mick.


They go in and Paddy said in a posh voice, "Hello my good man. I'll take 50 suits at £5.00 each, 100 shirts at £2.00 each, and 50 pairs of trousers at £2.50 each. I'll back up me truck ready to load em on, so I will."


The owner of the shop said quietly, "You're from Ireland , aren't you?"
"Well yes," said a surprised Paddy. "What gave it away?"


The owner replied, "This is a dry-cleaners" !
 
From Thomas Cook Holidays - listing some guests' genuine complaints during the season




1. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."


2. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers to close in the afternoons.
I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time - this should be banned."


3. "On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food at all."


4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our swimming costumes and towels."


5. A tourist at a top African Game Lodge over looking a water hole, who spotted a visibly aroused elephant, complained that the sight of this rampant beast ruined his honeymoon by making him feel "inadequate".


6. A woman threatened to call police after claiming that she'd been locked in by staff.


When in fact, she had mistaken the "do not disturb" sign on the back of the door as a warning to remain in the room.


7. "The beach was too sandy."


8. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as yellow but it was white."


9. A guest at a Novotel in Australia complained his soup was too thick and strong. He was inadvertently slurping the gravy at the time.


10. "Topless sunbathing on the beach should be banned. The holiday was ruined as my husband spent all day looking at other women."


11. "We bought 'Ray-Ban' sunglasses for five Euros from a street trader, only to find out they were fake."




12. "No-one told us there would be fish in the sea. The children were startled."


13. "There was no egg slicer in the apartment..."




14. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish."


15. "The roads were uneven.."




16. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England it only took the Americans three hours to get home."


17. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom apartment to our friends' three-bedroom apartment and ours was significantly smaller.."


18. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the accommodation'. We're trainee hairdressers - will we be OK staying there?"


19. "There are too many Spanish people. The receptionist speaks Spanish. The food is Spanish. Too many foreigners now live abroad."


20. "We had to queue outside with no air conditioning."


21. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."




22. "I was bitten by a mosquito, no-one said they could bite."




23. "My fiancé and I booked a twin-bedded room but we were placed in a double-bedded room.


We now hold you responsible for the fact that I find myself pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."


They walk amongst us and they vote!!! Be afraid! Be very afraid!
 
A young Brisbane woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean.


Just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her.


"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Italy tomorrow.


I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."


With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Italy, the woman accepted.


That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold.


From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn.


Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.


"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.


"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy ."


"I see," the captain says.


Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."


"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Stradbroke Island Ferry ."
 
A lonely widow, age 70, decided that it was time to get married again.
She put an ad in the local paper that read:



HUSBAND WANTED:
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME
MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!!!!!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.



On the second day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay,
She opened the door to see a Grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair.
He had no arms or legs.

The old woman said, 'You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?
Just look at you...you have no legs!

The old man smiled, 'Therefore, I cannot run around on you!'

She snorted. 'You don't have any arms either!'

Again, the old man smiled, 'Therefore, I can never beat you!'

She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, 'Are you still good in bed???'

The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said,


Rang the doorbell didn't I
 
STUDENT WHO OBTAINED 0% ON AN EXAM

I would have given him 100%

Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die?
* his last battle

Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
* at the bottom of the page

Q3. River Ravi flows in which state?
* liquid

Q4. What is the main reason for divorce?
* marriage

Q5. What is the main reason for failure?
* exams

Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast?
* Lunch & dinner

Q7. What looks like half an apple?
* The other half

Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?
* It will become wet

Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping ?
* No problem, he sleeps at night.

Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
* You will never find an elephant that has only one hand..

Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have ?
* Very large hands

Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?
* No time at all, the wall is already built.

Q13. How can u drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
* Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.
 
A man died and went to Heaven. As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, 'What are all those clocks?'

St. Peter answered, 'Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone who has ever been on earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock move.'

'Oh', said the man. 'Whose clock is that?'

'That's Mother Teresa's', replied St. Peter. 'The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.'

'Incredible', said the man. ' And whose clock is that one?'

St. Peter responded, 'That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire life.'

'Where's Julia Gillard's clock?' asked the man.

St Peter replied, 'Jesus has it in his office. He uses it as a ceiling fan.'

[of course, us Qld'ers would probably happily insert Anna Blighs' name in there as well]
 
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Paddy55 said:
From Thomas Cook Holidays - listing some guests' genuine complaints during the season


3. "On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food at all."
Click to expand...


On reading a thread here we could modify that quote:

""On a recent trip, I was disgusted to find that almost every QP served curry. I don't like spicy food at all." :shock:
 
I was sitting watching Match of the Day when the Mrs came into the lounge and says "Fancy a shag Babe?"
I said, "After the football love"
She said, "You do realise that you can record it?"
I said, "Nice, you get the camcorder, I'll come upstairs when the footy finishes".


Americans Jeff & Jim are Siamese twins joined at the hip.
They walk into a bar in New York & order a couple of beers. Barman serves them and asks "You guys been on vacation yet?"
"We're off to England next week" says Jeff "We go every year."
Barman says: "England's great; the culture, history, the Queen. "
Jeff replies "We don't go for that, it's the only chance Jim gets to drive the car."



My girlfriend has just asked me how many women I've shagged.
I said, 'I really dont want 2 answer that love, u know I've had a past & I don't want 2 upset u!'
'C'mon' she said, 'I can handle it!'
So I had to sit there and count them all.
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, you, 10, 11, 12.


My Wife asked me to go to the Doctors about my Erection problem, she wasn't pleased when I came back and gave her some Slimming Pills


I was at a wedding reception when the DJ announced 'all the married men out there go and stand by the person who makes your life worth living'.
The barman was crushed to death
 
An elderly lady was invited to an old friends home for dinner one evening.
She was impressed by the way her lady friend preceded every request to her husband with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.
While the husband was in the living room, her lady friend leaned over to her hostess to say, 'I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your husband all those loving names'.

The elderly lady hung her head and said, 'I have to tell you the truth, his name slipped my mind about 10 years ago, and I'm scared to death to ask the cranky old asshole what his name is.
 
DOG FOR SALE


A man sees a sign outside a house - 'Talking Dog For Sale .' He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.

The man sees a very nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there.

"Do you really talk?" he asks the dog.
"Yes," the Labrador replies.
After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, the man asks, "So, tell me your story."


The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the SAS.
"In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years".

"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow Airport to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.
I uncovered some incredibledealings and was awarded several medals. I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired."

The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.

"Ten quid," the owner says.

"£10!!? But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"

"Because he's a lying cough, he's
never been out of the garden."
 
EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 50

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can.

Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.

Then try a pair of 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.
(I'm at this level.)

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.
 
For anyone in the Qantas Club wearing a Hi-Vis Shirt who is about to go on another swing you may find this entertaining.
<iframe width="560" height="315" src="The FIFO Song - YouTube" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>
 

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