A bit of humour

[drron]

For some reason I like this one-
God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day.

He inquired, --- "Where have you been?"

God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds,---- "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, ---- "What is it?"

"It's a planet," --- replied God, --- and I've put life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test 'Balance.'"

"Balance?" --- inquired Michael, ---- "I'm still confused."

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth.
"For example,northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over here I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people.
Balance in all things..."

God continued pointing to different countries. --- "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, --- "What's that one?"

"That's the Sunshine Coast, Australia , the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful trees and gardens, a beautiful river, and days filled with sunshine. The people from the Sunshine Coast are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of good things."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, --- "But what about balance, God? You said there would be 'balance.'"

God smiled, --- "I will create Canberra,
Wait till you see the idiots I'll put there."...............

 

[Major]

A truck driver was driving along on a country road. A sign came up that read " Low Bridge Ahead."
Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under it.
Cars were backed up for miles. Finally, a police car arrived.
The policeman got out of his car and walked to the truck's cab and said to the driver, "Got stuck, eh?"
The truck driver said, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of diesel!"

 

[QF WP]

For some reason I like this one-
The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, --- "What's that one?"

"That's the Sunshine Coast, Australia , the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful trees and gardens, a beautiful river, and days filled with sunshine. The people from the Sunshine Coast are going to be handsome, modest,intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of good things."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, --- "But what about balance, God? You said there would be 'balance.'"

God smiled, --- "I will create Canberra,
Wait till you see the idiots I'll put there."...............

Insert home town in first line and any city you hate in the second last line

 

[QF WP]

'GROG' SAVE AUSTRALIA!

Being Driven to Drink?

GROG NOW!

Some blokes up north came up with this one while enjoying a quiet ale or
three. They printed-off a few car stickers, for fun, and now the demand for them has gone through the roof.

GROG = Get Rid Of Gillard

WHO WANTS TO JOIN THE G.R.O.G. PARTY???

 

[QF WP]

There are times when I truly hate iPhones...

 

[anat0l]

The Gillard government was on the campaign trail when she visited a local mental institution. She gave a moving speech extolling all the benefits of re-electing the Labour government. At the end of the speech, everyone in the room clapped heartily, except for one man standing at the back.

Gillard called out the man at the back, "Why are you not clapping?"

The man replied, "I'm not a patient, I work here."

 

[QF WP]

So much for that airlines' FF program, it probably crashed:

 

[QF WP]

Wouldn't you like to say one of these to somebody...today

 

[Major]

This was sent to me from a mate in London

The Looters Prayer

Our father,
who art in prison,
my mum knows not his name,
thy Riots come,
read it in "The Sun"
in Birmingham, as it is in London,
give us this day our Welfare bread
and forgive us our looting,
as we are happy to loot those who defend stuff against us.
Lead us not into employment
but deliver us free housing,
for thine is the Facebook
the Blackberry & the Twitter,
forever and ever...Innit

 

[QF WP]

Some more:

 

[QF WP]

Final ones:

 

[JohnM]

Gents, why is your d**k better than a credit card?

Once spent it recharges itself, it is accepted worldwide and you can let your wife use it as much as she wants.

 

[drewbles]

Gents, why is your d**k better than a credit card?

Once spent it recharges itself, it is accepted worldwide and you can let your wife use it as much as she wants.

Yes but 'swipe it' in the 'wrong merchant' and your wife is likely to 'severely decrease your credit limit' which is permanent

 

[drron]

Yes but 'swipe it' in the 'wrong merchant' and your wife is likely to 'severely decrease your credit limit' which is permanent

Or remove it from your person.

 

[straitman]

Or remove it from your person.

Ouch :!:

My eyes are watering at that comment.

 

[drewbles]

Or remove it from your person.

That was doubly implied by 'severe reduction of credit limit'. Having one's card cut in half is not a good thing. Ask John Wayne Bobbit

*edit*
Actually, bad example. He made a mint from his bank cutting him off :shock:

 

[Bundy Bear]

Yes but 'swipe it' in the 'wrong merchant' and your wife is likely to 'severely decrease your credit limit' which is permanent

I guess your credit worthiness also gets a downgrade as well, you don't become very marketable.

 

[Foreigner]

Ethics

 

[Major]

I was listening to the radio this morning when the host invited callers to reveal the nicknames
they had for their wives.
Best call was from the guy who called his wife “Harvey Norman .......”

Why? ......
No interest for 48 months

 

[Major]

Two blokes are drinking in a bar,

One says, "Did you know that Lions have sex,
10 to 15 times a night?"

"BUGGER !" says his friend. "And I just joined Rotary....."