A bit of humour

[Blackadder]

What they are really telling us.

 

[anat0l]

What they are really telling us.

The ones that sweep their arms side to side in a wide arc motion are basically saying, "You're all going to die".

 

[Ikara]

A beautiful, sexy, goodlooking lady was sitting next to a guy in a plane.
The lady said to him “Canyou help me remove something from my breast please?”
The exciting young manreplied, “Wow! It will be my pleasure. So what is it?”
"Your Eyes,idiot!"

JB

 

[Flashback]

Airport security: Airport Security - The Chasers War on Everything - YouTube

 

[QF WP]

As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter with a vibrator. Shocked, she asked: 'what in the world are you doing?'

The daughter replied: 'mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'

The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.

To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said: 'dad I'm thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'

A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the living room. She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch,
downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV. The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.

The wife asked: 'What the f... are you doing?'

The husband replied: 'I'm watching football with my son-in-law.'

 

[QF WP]

An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.

'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day,then eat regularly again for 2 days then skip a day......and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks.'
'The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.'
When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60lbs!

'Why, that's amazing!' the doctor said, 'Did you follow my instructions?'
The Irishman nodded...'I'll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t'aut I were going to drop dead on dat 3rd day.'

'From the hunger, you mean?' asked the doctor.
'No, from the f---in' skippin' !!

 

[QF WP]

One with a nice flying reference:

 

[anat0l]

One with a nice flying reference:

...

I think I'd die a happy man :mrgreen:

 

[QF WP]

Written across the wall of the cave were the following symbols:



It was considered a unique find and the writings were said to be at least 3000 years old!
The piece of stone was removed, brought to the museum, and archaeologists from around the world came to study the ancient symbols.
They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss the meaning of the markings.
The President of the society pointed to first drawing and said:

"This is a woman. We can see these people held women in high esteem.

You can also tell they were intelligent, as the next symbol is a donkey, so they were smart enough to have animals help them till the soil.

The next drawing is a shovel, which means they had tools to help them."

Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means that if a famine hit the earth and food didn't grow, they seek food from the sea.

The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews.
The audience applauded enthusiastically.
Then a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and said,

"Idiots...Hebrew is read from right to left... It says: 'Holy Mackerel, Dig The cough On That Chick"

 

[Nigelinoz]

Continuing with the hieroglyphics theme I love this Two Ronnies sketch.
Two Ronnies: Hieroglyphics - YouTube
Cheers
N'oz

 

[drron]

And this could be me consulting-
The Two Ronnies - The Men With Bad Memories - YouTube

 

[Nigelinoz]

This is also a favorite of mine.
Two Ronnies: Swear Box - YouTube

I just love the Two Ronnies,probably two of the funniest comedians ever I reckon.
Cheers
N'oz

 

[Major]

A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a

sudden he hears music. No one is around, so he starts searching

for the source. He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming

from a grave with a headstone that reads "Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-

1827". Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is

being played backward!

Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to

return with him. By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music

has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the

previous piece, it is being played backward.

Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they

return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward.

The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse

order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the

5th.

By the next day the word has spread and a crowd has gathered

around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being

played backward. Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the

group.

Someone in the group asks him if he has an explanation for the

music.

"I would have thought it was obvious" the caretaker says.

"He's decomposing."

 

[Major]

RSM saves Air Force Pilot in Horse-Back Riding Mishap

CANBERRA: A Royal Australian Air Force Pilot serving in the Defence Department narrowly escaped serious injury recently when he attempted horseback riding with no prior experience. After mounting his horse unassisted, the horse immediately began moving. As it galloped along at a steady and rhythmic pace, the pilot, who has not been named, began to slip sideways from the saddle.

Although attempting to grab for the horse's mane the pilot could not get a firm grip. He then threw his arms around the horse's neck but continued to slide down the side of the horse. The horse galloped along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider.


Finally, losing his grip, the rider attempted to leap away from the horse and throw himself to safety However, his foot became entangled in the stirrup, leaving him at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as his head and upper body repeatedly struck the ground.

Moments away from unconsciousness and possible death, to his great fortune an Army Regimental Sergeant Major, shopping at K-Mart, saw him and quickly unplugged the horse!

 

[anat0l]

A man saw a magic beanstalk, so he decided to climb it. As he went up, he saw the ugliest woman you've ever seen naked on a leaf.

She said, "Come have sex with me, or climb higher to success."

Without thinking, he carried on climbing. The next woman he saw wasn't bad. I mean, you would do her, but you wouldn't brag about it.

She too beckoned to him saying, "Come have sex with me, or climb higher to success."

So again, he carried on climbing. The next woman he saw was beautiful, I mean, really really hot.

She said, "Come have sex with me, or climb higher to success."

He could only think of what the next woman would be like, so carried on climbing, and was shocked to see an old man stood on a leaf naked.

He was so outraged, he said, "Who the hell are you?"

The old man replied, "I'm Cess."

 

[QF WP]

Some humour:

 

[QF WP]

Another couple:

 

[medhead]

Moments away from unconsciousness and possible death, to his great fortune an Army Regimental Sergeant Major, shopping at K-Mart, saw him and quickly unplugged the horse!

Doesn't sound like any RSM I ever meet. Usually they would utter a long string of profanity questioning the pilot's manhood and parenting, along with a couple of pokes in the chest with their pace stick to emphasis key points, before unplugging it.


Sent from the Throne (80% chance) using Aust Freq Fly app

 

[Major]

Paddy's been arrested for punching his wife, again.


The judge asks, "Tell me, Mr. Molloy, why do you keep beating her?"


Paddy replies, "I think it's my weight advantage, longer reach and superior footwork."

 

[QF WP]

Need I say anything...