A bit of humour

[Foreigner]

[FONT=&quot]A beautiful young woman about to undergo a minor operation is lying on a gurney in a hospital corridor awaiting the medical staff.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]A man in a white coat approaches her, lifts up the sheet, and visually examines her naked body. He walks away and confers with another man in a white coat. The second man then approaches the girl and performs the same examination.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]When a third man approaches her, she asks impatiently, “These examinations are fine, but when are you going to start the operation?”[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]He shrugs and says, “Your guess is as good as mine, lady. We’re just here to paint the halls.”[/FONT]

 

[Foreigner]

[FONT=&quot]The owner of a drugstore arrives at work to find a man leaning heavily against a wall, with a very strange look on his face. The owner goes inside and asks his clerk what’s up.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]“He wanted something for his cough, but I couldn’t find the cough syrup,” the clerk explains. “So I gave him a box of laxatives and told him to take it all at once.”[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]“Laxatives won’t cure a cough, you idiot,” the owner shouts angrily.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]“Sure it will,” the clerk says, pointing at the man leaning on the wall. “Look at him. He’s too afraid to cough.”[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]

[/FONT]

 

[codash1099]

[FONT=&amp]The owner of a drugstore arrives at work to find a man leaning heavily against a wall, with a very strange look on his face. The owner goes inside and asks his clerk what’s up.[/FONT]
[FONT=&amp]“He wanted something for his cough, but I couldn’t find the cough syrup,” the clerk explains. “So I gave him a box of laxatives and told him to take it all at once.”[/FONT]
[FONT=&amp]“Laxatives won’t cure a cough, you idiot,” the owner shouts angrily.[/FONT]
[FONT=&amp]“Sure it will,” the clerk says, pointing at the man leaning on the wall. “Look at him. He’s too afraid to cough.”[/FONT]
[FONT=&amp]

[/FONT]

Repeats are inevitable, but I jealously protect my posts:

http://www.australianfrequentflyer....ground/a-bit-of-humour-6330-9.html#post183438

 

[Ikara]

Repeats are inevitable, but I jealously protect my posts:

http://www.australianfrequentflyer....ground/a-bit-of-humour-6330-9.html#post183438

Yeah but...............it was 1935 posts ago.

Protect away...............but how many have joined since then, with "new" jokes??

Only having a shot - just in case you hadn't worked that out!!!!! Smiley icon, smiley icon, smiley icon.

JB

 

[Foreigner]

Repeats are inevitable, but I jealously protect my posts:

http://www.australianfrequentflyer....ground/a-bit-of-humour-6330-9.html#post183438

Zealously, you mean?

 

[JohnK]

Some very good ones and I should read this thread more often.

Now I am going to make like a shepherd and get the flock out of here....

 

[codash1099]

Zealously, you mean?

That too! And other things as well

 

[Foreigner]

That too! And other things as well

As Ikara pointed out, this thread is fairly long and quite likely to have repeat of same jokes. It's happened to me also but hasn't ruffled my feathers.

 

[JohnK]

Nothing rhymes with orange....

 

[Ikara]

You appeared from nowhere and shamelessly, without any reservations, you laid on my naked body...you sensed my indifference, so you applied your hungry mouth to me without any guilt or humiliation, and you drove me near crazy while you drained me.


Finally, I drifted off to sleep.

Today when I awoke, you were gone, I searched for you but to no avail, only thesheets bore witness to last night's events.
My body still bears faint marks of your enthusiastic ravishing, making it all the more difficult to forget you.

Tonight, I will remain awake, waiting for you........
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

Pharking mosquito!

 

[Foreigner]

Brad, a local beachgoer, couldn’t even get a second look from any of the girls on the beach. So he headed over to the lifeguard tower to see if the lifeguard had any advice for him.
“Dude, it’s obvious,” said the lifeguard. “You’re wearing those gnarly old swimming trunks that make you look like an old geezer. They’re years outta style. Your best bet is to get yourself a Speedo—say, two sizes too small—and drop a potato inside it. You’ll have all the babes you can handle.”
The following weekend, Brad hits the beach with his brand-spanking-new tight Speedo and his potato, and it’s not long before he approaches the lifeguard tower once more.
“For cryin’ out loud,” said Brad, “it’s worse than before! Everyone on the beach acts disgusted as I walk by—covering their faces, turning away, laughing! What’s wrong now?”
“Jeez, Brad!” said the lifeguard, “The potato goes in front!”

 

[Foreigner]

A man walks into an emergency room with two black eyes and a broken nose. The doctor asks him what happened.
“Well,” says the man, “I was having a nice round of golf with my wife. She sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it, and while I was rooting around, I noticed that one of the cows had something protruding from its rear end. Sure enough, when it lifted its tail, there was my wife’s golf ball.”
“And?” asked the doctor.
“Well,” the man said, “that’s when I lifted the cow’s tail, pointed, and yelled to the missus, ‘Hey, honey—this one here looks like yours!’”

 

[Foreigner]

An old couple is sitting in church one morning, listening to a sermon, when the wife whispers, “I just let out a silent fart. What should I do?”
Her husband whispers back, “Well, for starters, you can put a new battery in your hearing aid.”

 

[Major]

Joe had suffered from really bad headaches for the last 20 years and
eventually decided to go and see a doctor.

The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The
bad news is that it will require castration.
You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicl_s to press
on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The
only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicl_s.'
Joe was shocked and depressed. He had no choice but to go
under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a
headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was
missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street,
he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a
new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit.'

He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.'
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see... size 44 long.'
Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.
Joe tried on the suit; it fit perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a
new shirt?'
Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'
The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'
Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years.'
Joe tried on the shirt and it fits perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How
about some new underwear?'
Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure..'
The salesman said, 'Let's see.... size 36..
Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old..'

The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34
would press your testicl_s up against the base of your spine and give
you one hell of a headache.'

New suit - $400
New shirt - $56
New underwear - $12
Second Opinion - PRICELESS

 

[dot]

Watched this Delta Safety video this morning - strange but funny


[video=youtube_share;NEzy76pjKFI]http://youtu.be/NEzy76pjKFI[/video]

 

[Major]

Thought I'd let you read part of the latest novel to rival Fifty Shades . . .

"He was in ecstasy, with a huge smile on his face, as his girlfriend
moved forwards then backwards. ....
Forwards then backwards. .... Back and forth... back and forth...
In and out, in and out....
Her heart was now pounding faster, her face was flushed and she
moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder.

Finally exhausted she let out one almighty scream!!! "OK !... OK!...
I CAN'T park the damn car!
You do it you SMUG cough!"

 

[codash1099]

As Ikara pointed out, this thread is fairly long and quite likely to have repeat of same jokes. It's happened to me also but hasn't ruffled my feathers.

Do my feathers look ruffled? Not at all. I'm sorry if you are offended.

 

[nlagalle]

Do my feathers look ruffled? Not at all. I'm sorry if you are offended.

Do you have feathers?

 

[codash1099]

Do you have feathers?

Feather duster (I used to be a rooster)

 

[QF WP]

From Financial Writers Australia:

One of my beliefs is that writing should always be fun. Have a giggle with these oxymorons (or more correctly, oxymora). How often have you seen these words used together (usually in newspaper headlines), or used them yourself?

working holiday
civilised warfare
act naturally
equally diverse
seriously funny
virtual reality
hopelessly optimistic
minor crisis
open secret
genuine imitation
never again
peacekeeper missile
peacekeeping force
sweet sorrow
found missing
good grief
huge shortage
and my favourite – Microsoft Works