A bit of humour

[Major]

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honour of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'


The paddy replied,

'These are Carols.'

 

[Hvr]

He had a column in the AFR a few years ago.I always started at the Dave Barry page-inside back cover.

Actually I think that was Peter Ruehl. Having had a colonoscopy last week I am nearly at the stage where I can trust a fart again. Nearly.

I am reliably informed that they didn't find my dignity up there. And since it was my second 'procedure' I couldn't use the Star Trek line and tell the doctor that he was going boldly where no man had ever gone before. :mrgreen:

 

[QF WP]

Perth Radio - Daily Question Competition, to win a CD.

Announcer - "What category question would you like".

Caller - "Sport please".

Announcer - "What's the name of the race that stops this nation?"

Caller - "Aboriginal"

SILENCE...

 

[QF WP]

Whispers from the Mile High Club: saucy stories from 30,000ft.

Well, not that saucy, but an interersting read on what others get up to in the metal tube.

 

[Foreigner]

A fire starts inside a chemical plant and the alarm goes out to fire departments miles around. After crews have been fighting the fire for over an hour, the chemical company president approached the fire chief and said, “All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved! I will give $100,000 to the engine company that brings them out safely!”
The crews try, but no one can get through. Then another fire truck, filled with a volunteer fire company of men over 65, comes roaring down the road and drives straight into the middle of the inferno. The other men watch unbelieving as the old timers hop off of their rig and heroically extinguish the fire, saving the secret formulas.
The company president walks over to reward the volunteers.
“What do you guys plan to do with the money?” the president asks the group.
The firetruck driver looks him right in the eye and answers, “Well, the first thing we’re going to do is fix the f*cking brakes on that truck.”

 

[Foreigner]

A blonde, looking to earn some extra money, decided to offer her services as a “handy woman” and started canvassing an affluent nearby neighborhood.
She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
“Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,” he said, “How much will you charge me?”
The blonde quickly responded, “How about $100?”
The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need were in the garage.
The man’s wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, “Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?”
He responded, “She was just up here, how could she have missed it?”
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
“You’re finished already?” the husband asked.
“Yes,” the blonde replied, “and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.”
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $100 and handed it to her.
“And by the way,” the blonde added, “it’s not a Porsche, it’s a Lexus.”

 

[Foreigner]

Four men go golfing one day. Three of them head to the first tee, and the fourth goes to take a leak. The three men start talking about their sons. The first man says, “My son is a home builder. He’s so successful he built a house for his friend, free of charge.”
The second man says, “My son owns a big car dealership. He’s doing so well that he gave his friend a new Mercedes, fully loaded.”
Not to be outdone, the third man brags, “My son’s a stockbroker. He gave a close buddy an entire portfolio.”
The fourth man rejoins the group, and the first man says, “How’s your son doing these days?”
“Well, my son is gay, and he go-go dances in bars,” the guy replies.
There’s an awkward silence. “I’m not thrilled about his job,” the guy continues, “but he must be doing well. He’s got new a house, a Mercedes, and an impressive stock portfolio.”

 

[Major]

An old man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the movie theatre
When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the old man, "Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat."
The old man groaned but didn't budge.
The usher became more impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."
Once again, the old man just groaned.
The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the old disheveled man, but with no success. Finally they summoned the police.
The officer surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy what's your name?"
"Fred," the old man moaned.
"Where ya from, Fred?" asked the police officer.
With terrible pain in his voice, and without moving a muscle, Fred replied, "The balcony."

 

[Hvr]

A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her tax returns.
The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions."
He gets her name, address, TFN, etc. and then asks, “What’s your occupation?"
"I'm a prostitute," she says.
The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, " Let's try to rephrase that."
The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl".
"No, that still won't work. Try again."
They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm an elite chicken farmer."
The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?"
"Well, I raised a thousand coughs last year."
"Chicken Farmer it is."

 

[Hvr]

Complete & Finished:

No English dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between the two words. In a recently held linguistic competition in London, England, attended by the best in the world, Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese man from Bachelors Adventure, was the clear winner with a standing ovation lasting over 5 minutes.


Here is his answer


The Question:


How do you explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand? Some people say there is no difference between the two.


Samsundar's Answer:


"When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE.


When you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED.


And when the right one catches you with the wrong one,


you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!"

 

[Hvr]

I went to the Patent office to register some of my inventions.


I went to the main desk to sign in and the lady at the desk had a form that had to be filled out. She wrote down my personal info and then asked me what I had invented.

I said, "a folding bottle".

She said, "Okay, what do you call it?"

"A Fottle."

"What else do you have."

"I have also invented a folding carton."

Again she said, "what do you call it?"

"A Farton."

She sniggered and said, "Those are silly names for products and one of them sounds kind of crude."

I was so upset by her comment that I grabbed the form and left the office without even telling her about my folding bucket.

 

[Major]

Wife says to husband "You only ever want sex when you're drunk"
Husband says "thats not true....... sometimes I want a kebab"

 

[Major]

Subject: Why Parents Drink !!

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but
had not phoned in sick one day. Needing to have an urgent problem with
one of the main computers resolved, he dialed the employee's home phone
number and was greeted with a child's whisper. ' Hello ? '

'Is your daddy home?' he asked

' Yes ,' whispered the small voice.
May I talk with him?'
The child whispered, ' No ..'

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, 'Is your
Mummy there?' ' Yes '

'May I talk with her?' Again the small voice whispered, ' No '

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss
asked, 'Is anybody else there?'

' Yes , ' whispered the child, ' a policeman . '

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss
asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?'

' No, he's busy , ' whispered the child.

'Busy doing what?'

' Talking to Daddy and Mummy and the Fireman , ' came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through
the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?'

' A helicopter ' answered the whispering voice.

'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered,

' The search team just landed a helicopter '

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, 'What are
they searching for?'

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle...

' Me

 

[Foreigner]

A businessman was having an affair with his young secretary. Every Friday the two would leave work a few hours early and have sex at the secretary’s house. When the executive returned home, he would tell his wife he had gone to a bar with his friends.
One night, the executive accidentally fell asleep at his secretary’s house. When he woke up, he rushed to get dressed and told his secretary to rub his shoes in the grass. Eager to help, the confused secretary took his shoes outside, rubbed them in the grass, and handed them off.
By the time he arrived home, the executive’s wife was waiting for him. She immediately asked him where he had been.
“I am not going to lie to you,” he said, “I am having an affair.”
His wife slowly looked him up and down, paused for a moment and said, “BS, you’ve been playing golf!”

 

[Foreigner]

The Pope was getting into his limo one night when he turned to the limo driver and said, “You know what, before I die, I would love to drive this beautiful limo just once.”
“Well,” the limo driver says, “Come up here and take the wheel, Your Holiness, and I’ll get in back!”
Further down the road, the limo is stopped by a policeman who walks over to the limo, sees who’s sitting in the front seat and runs back to his squad car. He calls dispatch and says, “I just pulled over someone really important and I don’t know what to do.”
“Well, who is it?” his dispatcher says, “The mayor? The governor? The president?”
“I don’t know exactly who he is,” the officer responds, “but the Pope is his chauffeur!”

 

[Foreigner]

An elderly Florida couple, Sam and Bessie, are vacationing in Las Vegas. Sam always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, Sam buys them, and wears them back to the hotel, walking proudly.
He walks into their room and says to his wife, “Notice anything different about me?”
Bessie looks him over, “Nope.”
Sam says excitedly, “Come on, Bessie, take a good look. Notice anything different about me?”
Bessie looks again, “Nope.”
Frustrated, Sam storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for his boots. Again he asks, a little louder this time, “Notice anything different now?” Bessie looks up and says, “Sam, what’s different? It’s hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it’ll be hanging down again tomorrow.”
Furious, Sam yells, “And do you know why it’s hanging down, Bessie? It’s hanging down because it’s looking at my new boots!”
To which Bessie replies, “Shoulda bought a hat, Sam. Shoulda bought a hat.”

 

[anat0l]

An elderly Florida couple, Sam and Bessie, are vacationing in Las Vegas. Sam always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, Sam buys them, and wears them back to the hotel, walking proudly.
He walks into their room and says to his wife, “Notice anything different about me?”
Bessie looks him over, “Nope.”
Sam says excitedly, “Come on, Bessie, take a good look. Notice anything different about me?”
Bessie looks again, “Nope.”
Frustrated, Sam storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for his boots. Again he asks, a little louder this time, “Notice anything different now?” Bessie looks up and says, “Sam, what’s different? It’s hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it’ll be hanging down again tomorrow.”
Furious, Sam yells, “And do you know why it’s hanging down, Bessie? It’s hanging down because it’s looking at my new boots!”
To which Bessie replies, “Shoulda bought a hat, Sam. Shoulda bought a hat.”

Nice joke. I remember this one being in the repertoire of the comedian called "The Old Fella", who tried his hand at Australia's Got Talent a year ago or so.

 

[codash1099]

Daylight Saving


After Daylight Savings Time ended I stopped in to visit my dyslexic friend. He was busy covering his cough with black shoe polish. I said to him, "You idiot! You're supposed to turn your clock back!"

 

[Deleted member]

 

[Foreigner]

Daylight Saving


After Daylight Savings Time ended I stopped in to visit my dyslexic friend. He was busy covering his cough with black shoe polish. I said to him, "You idiot! You're supposed to turn your clock back!"

Good one! Reminded me of this one:


The bank manager noticed the new clerk was terrible when it came to counting money and adding up figures.
“Where did you get your financial education?” he asks.
“Yale,” replies the lad. The manager is sure he’s misheard the man, so he asks his question again and the man again responds “Yale.”
That can’t be right, thinks the manager. He decides he’s going to check it out online.
“And what’s your full name again?” asks the manager.
“Yim Yohnston.”