A bit of humour

A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.

Why I turn on the TV
10% to watch TV shows
90% to use it as background noise so I feel less lonely when I am on the internet.

When I was young I was scared of the dark, but now that I am older when I see the electricity bill I am scared of the lights.

Laughing at your own mistakes can length your life, laughing at your wife's mistakes can shorten your life.
 
[FONT=times new roman,helvetica]Dear Friends,

I wanted to send some sort of holiday greeting to my friends but it is difficult in today's world to know exactly what to say without offending someone. So I met with my lawyer and on their advice I wish to say the following.

Please accept without obligation, express or implied, these best wishes for an environmentally safe, socially responsible, low stress, non addictive, and gender neutral celebration of the solstice holiday as practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice (but with respect for the religious or secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or for their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all.

I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2013, including, but not limited to, the Christian calendar, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures).[/FONT]

Best Regards (without prejudice)
 
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One day in a nursing home, old Mr. Smith goes up to a candy striper and says, “My cough died.”

Deciding to humor him, the girl says “Oh, poor baby. I’m sorry to hear that.”

Two days later the girl is making her rounds and sees Mr. Smith wandering the halls with his frank and beans hanging out.

“Mr. Smith!” she cries. “I thought you said your cough had died!”

“It did. Today’s the viewing.”
 
[h=2]Cold winter[/h]
It's late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in north central Minnesota asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.

But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, is the coming winter going to be cold?

It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,' the meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.

A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?

Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again replied, it's going to be a very cold winter.

The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?'

Absolutely,' the man replied. It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.'

How can you be so sure? The chief asked.

The weatherman replied, 'The Indians are collecting a massive amount of firewood.
​
 
World’s Best Definition of Political Correctness.

There's an annual contest at the Griffith University , Australia , calling for the most appropriate definition of a contemporary term.
This year's term was 'Political Correctness'.


The winning student wrote:

'Political Correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rapidly promoted by mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a piece of **** by the clean end.'

:D
 
Lindsay Wilson said:
World’s Best Definition of Political Correctness.

There's an annual contest at the Griffith University , Australia , calling for the most appropriate definition of a contemporary term.
This year's term was 'Political Correctness'.


The winning student wrote:

'Political Correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rapidly promoted by mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a piece of **** by the clean end.'

:D
Click to expand...

Refer post 2227 :):)
 
A widow goes on her first date since her husband’s death, and afterward the two end up back at her place. Once in the bedroom, she takes off everything but her black panties.
"You can touch me anywhere else,” she says, “but down there I’m still mourning."
"I figured as much,” says the man. He then proceeds to pull down his pants and put on a black condom. “If you don’t mind, I’d like to offer my deepest condolences."
 
Foreigner said:
A widow goes on her first date since her husband’s death, and afterward the two end up back at her place. Once in the bedroom, she takes off everything but her black panties.
"You can touch me anywhere else,” she says, “but down there I’m still mourning."
"I figured as much,” says the man. He then proceeds to pull down his pants and put on a black condom. “If you don’t mind, I’d like to offer my deepest condolences."
Click to expand...

I think we've had this joke on the thread a few times. I'd say it's an AFF Classic. :)
 
anat0l said:
I think we've had this joke on the thread a few times. I'd say it's an AFF Classic. :)
Click to expand...


Oops...

A woman preparing to leave her husband casually informs him, “I’m going to become a hooker. I can make $400 for what I give you for free.”
“I’m coming with you,” the man replies. “I want to see you live on $800 a year.”
 
A city slicker shoots a duck out in the country. As he’s retrieving it, a farmer walks up and stops him, claiming that since the duck is on his farm, it technically belongs to him. After minutes of arguing, the farmer proposes they settle the matter “country style.”
“What’s country style?” asks the city boy.
“Out here in the country,” the farmer says, “when two fellers have a dispute, one feller kicks the other one in the balls as hard as he can. Then that feller, why, he kicks the first one as hard as he can. And so forth. Last man standin’ wins the dispute.”
Warily the city boy agrees and prepares himself. The farmer hauls off and kicks him in the groin with all his might. The city boy falls to the ground in the most intense pain he’s ever felt, crying like a baby and rolling around on the ground. Finally he staggers to his feet and says, “All right, n-now it’s–it’s m-my turn.”
The farmer grins. “Forget it, you win. Keep the duck.”
 
A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a rolled-up magazine.
“What the hell was that for?” he asked.
“That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Mary Lou written on it,” she replied.
“But you don’t understand,” he pleaded. “Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on.”
“Oh honey, I’m sorry,” she said. “I should have known there was a good explanation.”
Three days later he was watching a ball game on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold. When he came to, he asked, “What was that for?” he pleaded.
“Your horse just called!”
 
Foreigner said:
A city slicker shoots a duck out in the country. As he’s retrieving it, a farmer walks up and stops him, claiming that since the duck is on his farm, it technically belongs to him. After minutes of arguing, the farmer proposes they settle the matter “country style.”
“What’s country style?” asks the city boy.
“Out here in the country,” the farmer says, “when two fellers have a dispute, one feller kicks the other one in the balls as hard as he can. Then that feller, why, he kicks the first one as hard as he can. And so forth. Last man standin’ wins the dispute.”
Warily the city boy agrees and prepares himself. The farmer hauls off and kicks him in the groin with all his might. The city boy falls to the ground in the most intense pain he’s ever felt, crying like a baby and rolling around on the ground. Finally he staggers to his feet and says, “All right, n-now it’s–it’s m-my turn.”
The farmer grins. “Forget it, you win. Keep the duck.”
Click to expand...

Here's the South Park 'equivalent' of this concept :) (note: possible coarse or crude language)

[video=youtube;WcVI64IbkIs]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WcVI64IbkIs[/video]
 
A man heads out on vacation and leaves his friend to look after his cat and his elderly mom. The man calls home to check up and asks, "How's my cat?" His friend answers, "It's dead." The man is besides himself in grief and anger. He says, "Don't you have any feelings? Did you have to just blurt it out? You could have said, 'You're cat's on the roof and it won't come down.' Then when I called back tomorrow, you could have told me, 'You're cat is still on the roof, we've tried the fire department and everything but it still won't come down.' Then the next day, you could have told me that it died. His friend apologizes. The man asks, "So how's my mom?" His friend says, "Your mom's on the roof and she won't come down."
 
Two Irish builders (Patrick and Seamus) are seated either side of a
table in a pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits
on a stool at the bar.

The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit

Pat: - I reckon he's an accountant.

Seamus: - No way - he's a stockbroker.

Pat: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!

The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer
gets the better of Pat and he makes for the toilet.

On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal.

Curiosity and the several beers get the better of him.
Pat: - 'Scuse me.... no offence meant, but me and me mate were
wondering what you do for a living?

Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession

Pat: - Oh? What's that then?

Suit: - I'll try to explain by example ...... Do you have a goldfish at home?

Pat: - Er ... mmm .......... well yeah, I do as it happens!

Suit: - Well, it's logical that you keep it either in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?

Pat: - It's in a pond!

Suit: - Well it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?

Pat: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden.

Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that, in this town, if you
have a large garden then you have a large house?

Pat: - As it happens I've got a five bedroom house ........ built it myself!

Suit: - Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it's logical
to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are
quite probably married? And with a family?

Pat: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and four children.

Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active
with your wife on a regular basis?

Pat: - Yep! Five times a week!

Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you don't cough very often?

Pat: - Do what? Not me, mate!

Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!

Pat: - How's that then?

Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you
about your sex life!

Pat: - I see! That's pretty impressive.. Thanks mate!

Both leave the toilet and Pat returns to his mate.

Seamus: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?

Pat: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!

Seamus: - What's that then?

Pat: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?

Seamus: - Nope

Pat: - Well then, you're a wanker
 
Police believe thieves used machinery to cut through a metal pole and steal a speed and red-light camera from a busy Cottesloe (WA) intersection:
Thieves cut down red-light camera - The West Australian

What I love :D -
"If this is an attempt to get out of an infringement then they are sadly misguided," a WA Police spokeswoman said yesterday", as
"Images of vehicles caught speeding or running a red light are instantly sent to a central processing site."

Perhaps they didn't want to get caught any more... or had a beef for getting caught too many times :o​
​
 

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