A bit of humour

[codash1099]

As we age, we tend to end up seeing more of the medical establishment.

For example, my regular family doctor referred me to a female urologist.

I saw her yesterday and she is gorgeous.

She's beautiful and unbelievably sexy. She told me that I have to stop masturbating.



When I asked her why, she said, .........."Because I'm trying to examine you."

 

[codash1099]

A tourist walks into a pet shop in Silicon Valley, and is browsing around the cages on display. While he's there, another customer walks in and says to the shopkeeper, "I'll have a C monkey, please". The shopkeeper nods, goes over to a cage at the side of the shop and takes out a monkey. He fits a collar and leash and hands it to the customer, saying "That'll be $5,000". The customer pays and walks out with his monkey.​

Startled, the tourist goes over to the shopkeeper and says, "That was a
very expensive monkey-most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did it cost so much?"​

"Oh", says the shopkeeper, "that monkey can program in C with very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money." The tourist starts to look at the monkeys in the cage. ​

He says to the shop keeper, "That one's even more expensive, $10,000!
What does it do?"​

"Oh", says the shopkeeper, "that one's a C++ monkey; it can manage object-oriented programming, Visual C++, even some Java, all the really useful stuff." The tourist looks round for a little longer and sees a third monkey in a cage on its own. The price tag round its neck says $50,000.​

He gasps to the shop keeper, "That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does it do?"​

"Well," says the shopkeeper, "I don't know if it actually does anything, but says it's a Consultant."​

 

[Foreigner]

Henry, in marketing research, was interviewing people on the street and had button-holed a guy and was asking him a series of questions which went like this.

'Which shaving cream do you use?'


Paul answered, 'Nathan's,' and proceeded to answer each of the interviewer's following questions with the same answer, 'Nathan's.'
'Which aftershave do you use?' -'Nathan's.'
'Which deodorant do you use?' - 'Nathan's.'
'Which toothpaste do you use?' - 'Nathan's.'
'Which shampoo do you use?' - 'Nathan's.'
'Which soap do you use?' - 'Nathan's.'


Finally, a bit frustrated, Henry asked, 'Ok, tell me, What is this "Nathans?" Is it an international or local brand?'


Smiling broadly Paul replied, 'No, he's my flat-mate!'

 

[drron]

Original WORDS....



No English dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference
between the two words. Some people say there is no difference between
COMPLETE and FINISHED. In a recently held linguistic competition held in
London, England attended by the best in the world, a Guyanese man from
Bachelors Adventure was the clear winner with a standing ovation lasting
over 5 minutes. His final question was this....
Explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is easy
to understand.



His astute answer .... "When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE.
And when you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED. And when the right
one catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!





​

 

[QF WP]

A father buys a robot lie detector,
He decides to test it out on his son at supper. "Where were you last night?"
"I was at the library."
The robot slaps the son.
"OK I was at a friend's house," the son admits.
"Doing what?" asked the father.
"Watching a movie: Toy Story."
The robot slaps the son.
"OK it was cough!" cried the son.
Father yells "What? When I was your age I didn't know what cough was!"
The robot slaps the father.
The mother laughs and says, "He certainly is your son!"
The robot slaps the mother.

 

[drron]

At a nursing home in Florida, a group of senior citizens
were sitting around talking about their aches and
pains.
“My arms are so weak I can hardly lift this cup of
coffee,” said one.
“I know what you mean. My cataracts are so bad I
can’t even see my coffee,” replied another.
“I can’t turn my head because of the arthritis in my
neck,” said a third, to which several nodded weakly in
agreement.
“My blood pressure pills make me dizzy,” another
contributed.
“I guess that’s the price we pay for getting old,” winced
an old man as he slowly shook his head.
Then there was a short moment of silence.
“Well, it’s not that bad,” said one woman cheerfully.
“Thank God we can all still drive.”

 

[Maca44]

Bert feared his wife Pegwasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearingaid.

Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss theproblem.

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could performto give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

'Here's what you do,' said the Doctor, 'stand about 40 feet away from her, andin a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.'

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was In the den.He says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens.' Then in anormal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

No response.

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife andrepeats, 'Peg, what's for dinner?'

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his Wife andasks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

Again he gets no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. 'Honey, what's fordinner?'

Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. 'Peg, what's for dinner?'

'For Christs sake Bert, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!'

 

[Cynicor]

At a nursing home in Florida, a group of senior citizens
were sitting around talking about their aches and
pains.
“...
“Thank God we can all still drive.”

So very, very true. And scary.

 

[markis10]

QPS Media Unit ‏@QPSmedia Things warming up? you may have left your Air Conditioner on the Bruce Highway n'bound before the Yandina exit. Take care #qldtraffic

You can imagine the conversation in the vehicle, "what was that noise", "dont worry love, its probably nothing"

 

[QF WP]

IRISH CHRISTENING

Paddy's pregnant sister was in a terrible car accident and went into a deep coma.

After being in a coma for nearly six months, she woke up and saw that she was no longer pregnant.

Frantically she asked the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replied, “You had twins, a boy and a girl. The babies are fine. However they were poorly at birth and had to be christened immediately, so your brother Paddy came in and named them.”

The woman thought to herself, ‘Oh suffering Jesus no, not me brother. He's a clueless idiot! ‘

Expecting the worst, she asked the doctor, “Well, what's my daughter's name?”

“ Denise .” said the doctor.

The new mother was somewhat relieved and thought to self, ‘Wow, that's a really beautiful name. I guess I was wrong about my brother. I really like Denise .'

Then she asked, “So what's the boy's name then?”

The doctor replied : “Denephew.”

 

[Deleted member]

Did you hear the bad news about the 7 dwarfs?

They went out to work in the mines as usual one day and it was Snow White’s job to take them their lunch.

She spent the morning preparing the food and just before midday she headed off to the mine.

As she approached she heard a tremendous noise and the earth began to shake. Snow White rushed to the site to be greeted by great clouds of smoke billowing out of the mine entrance.

It was too dangerous to go inside so she frantically began calling out, “Is anybody there”? She was quickly joined by rescuers and they all shouted into the mine, asking if anyone could hear them. Finally, they heard a faint voice from deep inside the mine: “Vote for Julia Gillard….vote for Julia Gillard”.

With tears in her eyes, Snow White fell to her knees crying out, “Thank God, Dopey is alive”.

 

[codash1099]

Dear Santa I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy
all yeer. Yer Frend, BiLLy

Dear Billy, Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care.
How about I send you a fricken book so you can learn to read and write?
I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell!
Santa

Dear Santa, I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask
for is peace and joy in the world for everybody! Love, Sarah

Dear Sarah, Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they? Santa

Dear Santa, I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like
for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
Love, Teddy

Dear Teddy, Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door
in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to
your frigid mom, who rides his cough constantly? It's time to give up that
dream. Let me get you some nice Legos instead. Santa

Dear Santa, I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a
dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba. Love, Francis

Dear Francis, Who names their kid "Francis"nowadays? I bet you're gay.
Santa

Dear Santa, I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left
carrots for your reindeer outside the back door. Love, Susan

Dear Susan, Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my
face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a
bottle of scotch. Santa

Dear Santa, What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy
making toys? Your friend, Thomas

Dear Thomas, All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas,
where spend most of my time making low-budget cougho films. I unwind by
drinking myself silly and squeezing the cough of coughtail waitresses
while losing money at the coughs table. Hey, you wanted to know. Santa

Dear Santa, Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when
we're awake, like in the song? Love, Jessica

Dear Jessica, Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you
do. I'm skipping your house. Santa

Dear Santa, I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please
PLEASE PLEASE could I have one? Timmy

Timmy, That whiney begging cough may work with your folks, but that cough
doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater again. Santa

Dearest Santa, We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into
our home? Love, Marky

Mark, First, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting
your cough whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live
in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like
all the burglars do, through your bedroom window. Sweet Dreams, Santa

 

[drron]

Parent of the year-
26

27


13

14




8

14

For more-
Worst parents EVER : theCHIVE
Bad parents are just awful/funny : theCHIVE

 

[Bundy Bear]

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.

In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.

The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less.

After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pick-up truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word." Well, with only $1 left after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word, 'comfortable.'"

The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pick-up truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, 'comfortable?'"

The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. She'll read it slow."

 

[Major]

Conjoined twins walk into a pub in Sydney and park themselves on a bar stool.

One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us, we’re joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two VB's, thanks."

The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. "Been on holiday yet, lads?"

"Na, off to the States next month," says John. "We go to the States every year, hire a car and drive for miles, don't we, Jim?"

Jim agrees.

"Ah, The States!" says the bartender. "Wonderful country ..... the climate, the beer, the culture"

"Nah, we don't like that American cough," says John. "Pies, peas and VB’s, that's us, eh Jim?

And we can't stand those Yanks!”

"So why do you keep going back there then?" asks the bartender.

"Cos it's the only chance that Jim gets to drive."

 

[markis10]

Only in the territory:

FORGET the polo shirt and fawn-coloured trousers - the mankini reigns supreme on a golf course in the Northern Territory. The scantily clad fellow turned heads in his vibrant-green togs, swigging a stubbie on Boxing Day, the Northern Territory News reported.
He was seen on the course at the RAAF Darwin Golf Club trying to beat the heat in the mankini. It's a case of 'spot the ball' - or balls," said Darwin woman Jeannine Williams.

Read more: Darwin golfer in mankini misses a ball or two | News.com.au
​

 

[Foreigner]

Only in the terriotry:

FORGET the polo shirt and fawn-coloured trousers - the mankini reigns supreme on a golf course in the Northern Territory. The scantily clad fellow turned heads in his vibrant-green togs, swigging a stubbie on Boxing Day, the Northern Territory News reported.
He was seen on the course at the RAAF Darwin Golf Club trying to beat the heat in the mankini. It's a case of 'spot the ball' - or balls," said Darwin woman Jeannine Williams.

Read more: Darwin golfer in mankini misses a ball or two | News.com.au
​

Playing alone, must have a (low) handicap

 

[Hvr]

Only in the territory:

FORGET the polo shirt and fawn-coloured trousers - the mankini reigns supreme on a golf course in the Northern Territory. The scantily clad fellow turned heads in his vibrant-green togs, swigging a stubbie on Boxing Day, the Northern Territory News reported.
He was seen on the course at the RAAF Darwin Golf Club trying to beat the heat in the mankini. It's a case of 'spot the ball' - or balls," said Darwin woman Jeannine Williams.

Read more: Darwin golfer in mankini misses a ball or two | News.com.au
​

Strewth, that's almost formal for Darwin. He was even wearing matching shoes.

Now to gouge my eyes out.

 

[Bundy Bear]

Happy new year...a bit early i know but i have so many happy beautiful friends i thought i'd get the ugly ****ers out of the way first.

Always remember as the season of goodwill approaches that someone special is out there thinking of you and appreciates you for the impact you've made in their life... It's not me, I think you're a wanker.

After careful consideration of your performance as a friend in 2012, I have decided to extend your friendship for a further 12 months.

Try not to **** it up!!

All the best for 2013.

 

[QF WP]

So that's from where Straitman got it, so he could sent it to me in an SMS.