A bit of humour

[straitman]

So that's from where Straitman got it, so he could sent it to me in an SMS.

Never :!:

How dare you LW.

 

[QF WP]

You forgot to add some emoticons

 

[Bundy Bear]

So that's from where Straitman got it, so he could sent it to me in an SMS.

I could have sent you a copy but someone is still on old software, and where did I get it from, probably another AFFer.

 

[anat0l]

Never :!:

How dare you LW.

You should've served him with a mod notice

 

[QF WP]

But there was nothing against the ToS

 

[Major]

A Glaswegian is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he
comes upon a preacher baptising people in the river. He proceeds to
walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher....

The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of
alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, 'Are you ready to find Jesus?'

The drunk shouts, 'Aye, I am.' So the preacher grabs him and dunks
him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, 'Brother have
you found Jesus?'

The drunk replies, 'No, Ah havnae found Jesus.'

The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for
a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks again,
'Brother, have you found Jesus?'

The drunk again answers, 'No, Ah havnae found Jesus.'

By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in
the water again --- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds
and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up.

The preacher again asks the drunk, 'For the love of God have you
found Jesus?'


The drunk wipes his eyes, catches his breath and says to the
preacher,


'Are ye sure this is where he fell in?

 

[JohnM]

This may alraedy have appeared but it does have an appropraite aviation theme.

Pierre, a French fighter pilot, takes his
girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant
little picnic by the river Seine. It's a
beautiful day and love is in the air, so
Marie leans over to Pierre and says:
"Pierre, kiss me!"
So our hero grabs a bottle of red wine and
splashes it on Marie's lips.
"What are you doing, Pierre?" shrieks Marie.
Well, my name is Pierre, the French Fighter
Pilot, and when I have red meat I like to
have red wine!"

His answer was good enough for Marie, and
things began to heat up. So she says: "Pierre,
kiss me lower."
Our hero rips off her blouse, grabs a bottle
of white wine and starts pouring it all over
her breasts.
"Pierre, what are you doing?"

"My name is Pierre, the French Fighter Pilot,
and when I have white meat I like to have white
wine!"
They resume their passionate interlude and things
really steam up.Marie leans over once more and
softly whispers into his ear:"Pierre, kiss me lower."

Pierre tears off her underwear, grabs a bottle of
Cognac and sprinkles it all over her genital area.
He grabs a match and lights it on fire.
Patting the flames out furiously, Marie screams,
"PIERRE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!!?"

"My name is Pierre, the French Fighter Pilot,
and when I go down, I go Down in Flames!!"

 

[JohnM]

And the New cough SMILEY FACE :---)

 

[Major]

It was in Wallan , and the local policeman was making his evening rounds..
as he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car..

He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car or were they trying to steal it?

'Heavens no, we bought it.'

'Then why don't you drive it away.'

We can't drive.'

Then why did you buy it?'


'We were told that if we bought a Used car here
we'd get screwed ......so we're just waiting

 

[Bundy Bear]

After nearly 50 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband, begin to massage her in ways he hadn't in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.
As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, ‘Honey that was wonderful. Why did you stop?' To which he responded: 'I found the remote.'..

 

[Foreigner]

A man and his wife got into bed for the night. The wife had curled up ready for sleep and the husband put his bed lamp on to read a book. As he was reading, he stopped and reached over to his wife and started fondling her private part. He did this only for a very short while then stopped and went back to reading his book.


The wife got up and started stripping in front of him. The husband was confused and asked, "What the hell are you doing?" "Taking all your jammies off?" The wife replied.


"You were playing with my private part. So, I thought it was foreplay for something a bit heavier".


The husband said, "Hell no!" I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages of my book.

 

[straitman]

A young couple wanted to join the church, the priest told them,

'We have a special requirement for new member couples.

You must abstain from sex for one whole month.'

The couple agreed, but after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the Church.

When the priest ushered them into his office, the wife was crying and the husband was obviously very depressed.

'You are back so soon...Is there a problem?' the priest inquired.

'We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month.'

The young man replied sadly

The priest asked him what happened.

'Well, the first week was difficult... However, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower. The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain.

However, the third week was unbearable.

We tried cold showers, Prayer, reading from the Bible....anything to keep our minds off Carnal Thoughts.

One afternoon my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and I just had my way with her right then and there.

It was lustful, loud, passionate sex. It lasted for over an hour and when we were done we were both drenched in sweat,' admitted the man, shamefacedly.

The priest lowered his head and said sternly, 'You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church.'

'We know.' said the young man, hanging his head, 'We're not welcome at Bunnings either.'



​

 

[Foreigner]

The mother-in-law and I argued all the way from her house to mine, so she
just sat in the car and refused to come in for dinner.


After the wife went out to calm things down, she said, "She's agreed to
come in. I had to butter her up a bit, though."


"That's good," I shouted, "I was wondering how the fat cow would fit
through the door."

 

[Foreigner]

These are sentences exactly as typed by medical secretaries in NHS Greater Glasgow

1. The patient has no previous history of suicide.

2. Patient has left her white blood cells at another hospital.

3. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

6. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.

7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

9. Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission.

10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but forgetful.

11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

12. She is numb from her toes down.

13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

14. The skin was moist and dry.

15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

16. Patient was alert and unresponsive..

17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.

19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our care for physical therapy.

20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

23. Skin: somewhat pale, but pr esent.

24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

25. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

26. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

27. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

28. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of fuel and crashed.

29. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant..

30. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.

31. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Smith, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

32. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.

33. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.

 

[Foreigner]

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

(You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'

3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen!

PS: Only share this with friends who have a good sense of humour (NOT humor)!

 

[Foreigner]

I was rushing down the street with a bunch of flowers and a huge smile on my face when I almost knocked over an old lady.


"Gosh. sorry love!" I said.


"Oh, that's alright. It's actually quite refreshing to see a young person looking so happy and carefree. And are those flowers for your wife?"


"They certainly are!"


"Oh, how lovely. You've restored my faith in humanity. After all, life's grand isn't it?"


"I couldn't agree more!" I said as I kissed her on the cheek and watch her amble happily away.


I then fixed the flowers to the lamppost before skipping off to the morgue.

 

[Foreigner]

A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm and build things to be self-sufficient gets word that he is to return home. He realizes that the one thing he never taught the natives was how to speak English, so he takes the chief and starts walking in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."
The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."
The missionary is pleased with the response. They walk a little farther and the padre points to a rock and says, "This is a rock."
Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."
The padre is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple in the midst of heavy romantic activity. The padre is really flustered and quickly responds, "Riding a bike."
The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blow gun and kills them. The padre goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could he just kill these people in cold blood that way?
The chief replied, "MY bike."

 

[Foreigner]

At one local church, Joe was in charge of taking up the offerings.
One Sunday after the services, the priest counted the cash and found
it was smaller than anticipated. So he questioned Joe. He told him
that it did not seem enough for the size of the congregation.
Joe said that he did not take any of the offering.
The priest again questioned him and again he said that he did not
take any of the offering. So the priest said "get in the
confessional" which Joe did.
Then the priest asked him did you take any of the offering again
and this time he said, "I can't hear you".
Again the priest asked, "Joe did you take any of the offering?"
Again Joe answered, "I can't hear you".
This time the priest yelled, "JOE DID YOU TAKE ANY OF THE OFFERING"
Again Joe answered, "I can't hear you".
By this time the priest was getting a little angry so he came out
of the confessional and said, "Joe trade places with me and you can
ask me a question."
So they traded places and Joe asked, "I hear that you and my wife
are having an affair, is that true?"
To which the priest answered, "By Golly you can't hear in here".

 

[Foreigner]

A drunken man staggers into a Catholic Church, sits down in the
confession box and says nothing. After a few minutes the priest
coughs to attract the man's attention, but still the man says
nothing. The priest then knocks on the wall three times in an
attempt to get the man to speak.
Finally, the drunk replies, "No use knocking mate, there's no
paper in this one either".

 

[Foreigner]

A blonde began a job as an elementary school counselor, and she was eager to help.

One day during recess she noticed a boy standing by himself on the side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of football at the other.

Sandy approached and asked if he was alright. The boy said he was.

A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the boy was in the same spot, still by himself.

Approaching again, Sandy said, "Would you like me to be your friend?"

The boy hesitated, then said, "Okay", looking at the woman suspiciously.

Feeling she was making progress, Sandy then asked, "Why are you standing here alone?"

"Because," the little boy said with great exasperation, "I'm the fuc@ing goalie."