A bit of humour

[codash1099]

[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]There was once a very ill squid. He didn't know whether his
infection was bacterial or viral, he just knew that he felt
terrible. He was weakly swimming along when a British shark came
by and picked him up.

The squid said, "Hey, if you want a good meal, I'm not it. I have
aches and pains and I'm running a temperature. "

The shark seemed to be delighted, and asked the squid to come
with him. The squid realized that he could not feel worse and
obliged. They ended up in a dark cave where another British shark
was circling.

The first shark dropped his find and said to the circling shark,
"Here's the sick squid I owe you."[/FONT]

 

[codash1099]

[FONT=&quot]So in 2068 years, we've learned, what???

"The budget should be balanced, the Treasury should be refilled, public debt
should be reduced, the arrogance of officialdom should be tempered and
controlled, and the assistance to foreign lands should be curtailed lest we
become bankrupt. People must again learn to work, instead of living on
public assistance."
- Cicero - 55 B.C. - speaking about Rome[/FONT]

 

[codash1099]

Back in the 1950’s, on one of those days when the temperature was way below zero, an announcement was made in a small USSR village, of the arrival of a fresh supply of meat. The inhabitants, bundled from toe to head with heavy coats and blankets, ran as fast as they could to stand in line in front of the market.

After a long hour, they finally saw a man coming out of the shop, who made the following announcement: “Comrades, I regret to advise you, that there is not enough meat for everybody. All the Jews in line must leave.”

Unhappy, a group of Jews left the line.

Another hour passed, and the same man came out again: “Comrades,” he says, “I regret to advise you that there isn’t enough meat for everybody. Those who are not members of the Communist Party must leave.”

Some more people left the line, disgustedly.

Another hour passed, and the man came out again: “Comrades,” he says, “I regret to advise you that there is not enough meat for everybody in line. Those who were not members of the Party prior to 1956 must leave the line.”

A group of young people left the line, disgruntled. Now, there were only a few old people left in the line.

Another hour passed, with the temperature dropping lower and the day getting darker. The man came out again: “Comrades,” he says, “I’m sorry to advise you that we have no meat at all. All of you can go home.”

One old woman turns to the one behind her: “See that”? she says, “The Jews, they always get preferential treatment.”

 

[Major]

Not Exactly as I Remember...

Mary had a little pig,
She kept it fat and plastered;
And when the price of pork went up,
She shot the little cough.

 

[Major]

Mary had a little lamb.
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two chunks of bread.

 

[Major]

Jack and Jill went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Stupid Jill forgot the pill
And now they have a son.

 

[Major]

Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the pie man,
'What have you got there?'
Said the pie man unto Simon,
'Pies, you dumb cough' !!

 

[Major]

There was a little girl who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good, she was very, very good.
But when she was bad...
She got a fur coat, jewels and a sports car.

 

[anat0l]

(Possibly a repeat...)

The Little Red Hen - Modern Version

Once upon a time, there was a little red hen who scratched about the barnyard until she uncovered some grains of wheat.

She called her neighbors and said, "If we plant this wheat, we shall have bread to eat. Who will help me plant it?"

"Not I," said the cow.
"Not I," said the duck.
"Not I," said the pig.
"Not I," said the goose.

"Then I will," said the little red hen, and she did.

The wheat grew tall and ripened into golden grain. "Who will help me reap my wheat?" asked the little red hen.

"Not I," said the duck.
"Out of my classification," said the pig.
"I'd lose my seniority," said the cow.
"I'd lose my unemployment compensation," said the goose.

"Then I will," said the little red hen, and she did.

At last it came time to bake the bread. "Who will help me bake the bread?" asked the little red hen.

"That would be overtime for me," said the cow.
"I'd lose my welfare benefits," said the duck.
"I'm a dropout and never learned how," said the pig.
"If I'm to be the only helper, that's discrimination," said the goose.

"Then I will," said the little red hen.

She baked five loaves and held them up for her neighbors to see. They wanted some and, in fact, demanded a share.

But the little red hen said, "No, I can eat the five loaves."

"Excess profits!" cried the cow.
"Capitalist leech!" screamed the duck.
"I demand equal rights!" yelled the goose.
And the pig just grunted.

And they painted "unfair" picket signs and marched around and around the little red hen, shouting obscenities.

When the government agent came, he said to the little red hen, "You must not be greedy."

"But I earned the bread," said the little red hen.

"Exactly," said the agent. "That is the wonderful free enterprise system. Anyone in the barnyard can earn as much as he wants. But under our modern government regulations, the productive workers must divide their product with the idle."

And they all lived happily ever after, but the other animals wondered why the little red hen never again baked any more bread.

 

[Major]

In the year 2013, the Lord came unto Noah,
Who was now living in Scotland and said:
"Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-
populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me."
"Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing
along with a few good humans."
He gave Noah the blueprints, saying:
"You have 6 months to build theArk before I will
start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah
weeping in his yard - but no Ark."Noah!," He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"
"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed."

"I needed a Building Permit."

"I've been arguing with the Maritime Health & Safety Inspectorate about the need for a sprinkler system."
"My neighbours claim that I've violated the
local by-laws by building the Ark in my
garden and exceeding the height limitations. We had to
go to the local Planning Committee for a decision."

Then Edinburgh Council and the Electricity Company demanded a shed-load of money for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear none of it."

"Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban
on cutting local trees in order to save the Greater Spotted Barn Owl."
"I tried to convince the environmentalists that I
needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!"

When I started gathering the animals the ASPCA took me to court. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the
accommodations were too restrictive and
it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in
a confined space."

Then the Environmental Agency ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study
on Your proposed flood."


"I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the
Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm
supposed to hire for my building crew.
"The Immigration Dept. Is checking the
visa status of most of the people who want to work."

"The trade unions say I can't use my sons. They
insist I have to hire only union workers with
ark-building experience."


"To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species."
"So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10
years for me to finish this ark."


"Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine
and a rainbow stretched across the sky."


Noah looked up in wonder and asked,
"You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"

"No," said the Lord.
" The Government beat me to it."

 

[Hvr]

In the year 2013, the Lord came unto Noah,
Who was now living in Scotland and said:
"Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-
populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me."
"Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing
along with a few good humans."
He gave Noah the blueprints, saying:
"You have 6 months to build theArk before I will
start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah
weeping in his yard - but no Ark."Noah!," He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"
"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed."

"I needed a Building Permit."

"I've been arguing with the Maritime Health & Safety Inspectorate about the need for a sprinkler system."
"My neighbours claim that I've violated the
local by-laws by building the Ark in my
garden and exceeding the height limitations. We had to
go to the local Planning Committee for a decision."

Then Edinburgh Council and the Electricity Company demanded a shed-load of money for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear none of it."

"Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban
on cutting local trees in order to save the Greater Spotted Barn Owl."
"I tried to convince the environmentalists that I
needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!"

When I started gathering the animals the ASPCA took me to court. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the
accommodations were too restrictive and
it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in
a confined space."

Then the Environmental Agency ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study
on Your proposed flood."


"I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the
Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm
supposed to hire for my building crew.
"The Immigration Dept. Is checking the
visa status of most of the people who want to work."

"The trade unions say I can't use my sons. They
insist I have to hire only union workers with
ark-building experience."


"To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species."
"So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10
years for me to finish this ark."


"Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine
and a rainbow stretched across the sky."


Noah looked up in wonder and asked,
"You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"

"No," said the Lord.
" The Government beat me to it."

When the IRS is in Scotland we're all in trouble.

 

[Foreigner]

When Joe`s wife ran away with his car, his money and his best friend, he got so depressed that his doctor sent him to see a psychiatrist.

Joe told the psychiatrist his troubles and said, "Life just isn`t worth living anymore."

"Don`t be stupid, Joe," said the psychiatrist. "Let your work be your salvation. I want you to totally submerge yourself in your work. Now, what do you do for a living?"

"I clean out septic tanks," Joe replied.

 

[Foreigner]

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking.

The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large".

Then they walk around the ranch a little and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle.

The Texan immediately says, "We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows." The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field.

He asks, "And what are those?"

The Aussie asks with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas?"

 

[Foreigner]

A tourist from San Francisco goes on his first trip overseas.

Upon arriving, he is visibly puzzled while filling out his visa application. The border official looks over his shoulder and sees the tourist trying to write "Twice a week" in the space labeled SEX.

The official explains: "No, no, no. That is not what we mean by this question. We are asking 'Male' or 'Female.'"

"Doesn't matter," the tourist answers.

 

[Foreigner]

A fellow was very much in love with a beautiful girl. One day she told him that the next day was her birthday.

He told her he would send her a bouquet of roses... one for each year of her life.

That evening he called the local florist and ordered twenty-one roses with instructions that they be delivered first thing the next morning.

As the florist was preparing the order, he decided that since the young man was such a good customer, he would put an extra dozen roses in the bouquet.

The fellow never did find out what made the young girl so angry with him.

 

[Foreigner]

"Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher.

A small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant."

The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means ?" she asked.

"Sure," said the young boy confidently. "It means carrying a child."

 

[codash1099]

[FONT=&amp] Contemporary Latin Phrases

"Domino vobiscum."
The pizza guy is here.

"Auda similarum ad seattles."
"They all sound just like Pearl Jam."

"Sharpei diem."
"Seize the wrinkled dog."

"Nucleo predicus dispella conducticus. "
"Remove foil before microwaving. "

"Il guyus nissanem iste ickye."
"That Nissan guy gives me the creeps."

"Bodicus mutilatimus, unemploymi ad infinitum."
"Better take the nose ring out before the job interview."

"Motorolus interruptus. "
"Hold on, I'm going into a tunnel."

"Veni, vidi, Pesci."
"I came, I saw, I moidered da bum."

"Revelare Pecunia!"
"Show Me The Money!"

"Sic semper tyrannus."
"Your dinosaur is ill."

"No Quid Pro Quo."
"I'm Sorry, We're All Out of Quid."

"Nunc Tutus Exitus Computarus."
"It's Now Safe To Turn Off Your
Computer."

"Veni, Vidi, Velcro"
"I came; I saw; I stuck around."

"Et tu, pluribus unum?"
"The government just stabbed me in the back!"[/FONT]

 

[Major]

Arthur is 90 years old.

He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago.
One day he arrives home looking downcast.

"That's it," he tells his wife.
"I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has got so bad. Once I've hit the ball, I can't see where it went."

His wife sympathizes.
As they sit down, she has a suggestion:
"Why don't you take my brother with you, and give it one more try."

"That's no good," sighs Arthur. "Your brother is a hundred and three. He can't help."

"He may be a hundred and three," says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."

So the next day, Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law.
He tees up, takes an almighty swing, and squints down the fairway.

He turns to the brother-in-law. "Did you see the ball?"

"Of course I did!", says the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight."

"Where did it go?" asks Arthur.

"Can't remember."

 

[Foreigner]

Judy called the police.

"My next door neighbor is exposing himself. Oh my," she continued, "he's just standing there, big as you please, taking a shower with his window shades up!"

The squad car arrived immediately to catch the evil culprit in the act. She led the cop into her bedroom and pointed out her window.

"See what I mean, officer."

The policeman scratched his head and said, "Ma'am, I can only see the top of his head."

Judy, "Fool, just put a chair on that dresser over there and stand on that!"

 

[Foreigner]

A wife was furious with her husband, saying, "You're an idiot. You have always been an idiot. You'll always be an idiot. If they had an idiot contest, you'd come in second."

"Why would I come in second?" the husband asked.

She replied, "Because you're an idiot!"