A bit of humour

At a dinner party, several of the guests were arguing whether men or women were more trustworthy.

"No woman," said one man, scornfully, "can keep a secret."

"I don't know about that,' answered a blonde woman guest. 'I have kept my age a secret since I was twenty-one."

"You'll let it out some day," the man insisted.

"I hardly think so!" responded the blonde lady. "When a woman has kept a secret for twenty-seven years, she can keep it forever."
 
Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive's wife stops by his office.

As she walks in unannounced, she finds his secretary sitting on his lap.

Without hesitating, he begins to dictated a letter:

"And in conclusion gentlemen, budget cut or not, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair."
 
A member of the Parliament, known for his hot temper and acid tongue, exploded one day in mid-session and began to shout, "Half of this House is made up of cowards and corrupt politicians!"

All the other members demanded that the angry member withdraw his statement, or be removed from the remainder of the session.

After a long pause, the angry member acquiesced. "Okay," he said, "I withdraw what I said. Half of this Housee is not made up of cowards and corrupt politicians!"
 
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A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away.

At the end of the service the pallbearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket.

They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive. She lives for ten more years, and then dies.

A ceremony is again held at the same place and at the end of the ceremony the pallbearers are again carrying out the casket.

As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the f*cking wall!"
 
The blonde college girl was supposed to write a short story in as few words as possible for her English class and the instructions were that it had to include Religion, Sexuality and Mystery.

She was the only one who received an A+. This is what she wrote:

"Good God, I'm pregnant, I wonder who did it."
 
1981 & 2005 - Two Interesting Years

Interesting Year 1981
1. Prince Charles got married.
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe .
3. Australia lost the Ashes.
4.. The Pope died.


Interesting Year 2005
1. Prince Charles got married.
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe .
3. Australia lost the Ashes.
4. The Pope died.

Lesson to be learned:
The next time Charles gets married, someone should warn the Pope.
 
Alright you P1s heading to the MCA lounge, dont be tempted to eat the flowers unless you are a goat!

A goat accused of eating flowers in central Sydney has had his day in court and beaten the rap.
James Dezarnaulds, aka Jimbo Bazoobi, was issued with a $440 fine on August 22 after police caught his goat Gary chomping on flowers outside Sydney's Museum of Contemporary Art.
But the case was dismissed in Sydney's Downing Centre Local Court on Wednesday.
 
One day Superman was flying around looking for something to do. Using
his x-ray vision, he looked inside the penthouse, and to his surprise
saw Wonder Woman, laying on a table, naked and spread out. He thought to
himself "They always say I am really fast, and I wonder how good she
would be with her wonder powers". So he goes down and does her so fast
they couldn't see who it was. Wonder woman sits up and says "what was
that?"
The Invisible man replied "I don't know, but it hurt like hell!!!"
 
A man walks into a pharmac_, buys a condom, then
walks out of the store laughing hysterically.
The pharmacist thinks this is weird, but, hey,
there's no law preventing weird people from buying
condoms. Maybe it's a good thing.

The next day, the man comes back to the store,
purchases another condom, and once again he leaves
the store laughing wildly. This piques the interest
of the pharmacist. What's so funny about buying a
rubber,anyway? So he tells his clerk "If this guy
ever comes back, I want you to follow him to see
where he goes."

Sure enough, the next day the laugher is back.
He buys the condom, starts cracking up, then leaves.
The pharmacist tells his clerk to go follow the guy.

About an hour later, the clerk comes back to the
store.

"Did you follow him? Where did he go?" asks the
pharmacist.

The clerk replies, "Your house."
 
An attorney telephoned the Governor's mansion just after midnight, insisting that he talk to him, regarding a matter of utmost urgency.

An aide eventually agreed to wake up the Governor.

"So, what is it?" grumbled the Governor.

"Judge Garber has just died," said the attorney, "and I want to take his place."

The Governor replied: "Well, it's OK with me, if it's OK with the undertaker."
 
Two young boys walked into a pharmac_ one day, picked out a Box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.

The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"

"Eight," the boy replied.

The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?"

The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able To swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either."
 
When Bob found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.

So one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her, "but in just a week or two my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."

Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening. Three days later, she became his stepmother.
 
Some employees bought their boss a gift for his birthday.

Before opening the gift, the boss shook it slightly, and noticed that it was wet in the corner. Touching his finger to the wet spot and tasting it, he asked, "A bottle of wine?"

His employees replied, "No."

Again, he touched his finger to the box and tasted the liquid, "A bottle of scotch?"

"His employees replied again, "No."

Finally the boss asked, "I give up. What is it?"

His workers responded, "A puppy."
 
After a 2 year study, the National Science Foundation announced the following results on the American Male's recreational preferences:

The sport of choice for unemployed or incarcerated people is: Basketball

The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is: Bowling

The sport of choice for blue-collar workers is: Football

The sport of choice for supervisors is: Baseball

The sport of choice for middle management is: Tennis

The sport of choice for corporate officers is: golf

Conclusion: The higher you rise in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.
 
A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a Lawyer areriding together on a train. The Russian takes abottle of the best vodka out of his pack, pourssome into a glass, drinks it, and says: "In Russia, we have the best vodka in the world-nowhere in the world you can find vodka as goodas the one we produce in the Ukraine. And we have so much of it,that we can just throw it away..." Saying this, he opens the window and throws the rest of the bottle through it. All the others arequite impressed. The Cuban takes a pack of Havanas, unwraps one,lights it, and begins to smoke, saying: "In Cuba,we have the best cigars of the world: Havanas.Nowhere else in the world produces such a fine cigar,and we have so many of them, that we can just throw them away..." Saying that, he opens the window andthrows the pack of Havanas through it.Once again, everybody is quite impressed.At this point, the American stands up silently, opensthe window, and throws the lawyer through it.
 
TEAM.jpg

I hadn't seen this before today. Gave me a good laugh when thinking of a particular bloke in the office. So befitting....
 
Amy phones her husband at work, "Sam, do you have time for a chat?"

"Sorry, darling, this is not a good time - I'm about to go into a board meeting."

"But this won't take long," Amy says, "I just want to tell you some good news and some bad news."

"I really haven't the time," says Sam, "so just quickly tell me the good news."

"Oh all right then, the good news is that the air bag on your new Lexus works very well."
 
It was early one morning when the Pastor heard a noise outside his door.

When he opened it, he found a donkey standing outside, which immediately fell over dead.

Not exactly knowing what to do about the situation, he called the local sheriff and told him about what was laying before him.

The sheriff couldn't resist jabbing at the Minister and said, "Pastor, I thought the first duty of the Minister was to bury the dead."

Without hesitation, the Pastor said, "No, the first duty of the Minister is to notify the next of kin."
 


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