A bit of humour

[Foreigner]

An old guy (not in the best of shape) was attempting to work out at the gym when he spotted a sweet young thing....

He asked the trainer who was nearby, "What machine in here should I use to impress that sweet thing over there?"

The trainer looked him up and down and said, "I would try the ATM in the lobby."

 

[Foreigner]

A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts."

The wife sighs and gets him a beer.

Fifteen minutes later, he says, "Get me another beer before it starts."

She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him.

He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute."

The wife is furious. She yells at him "Is that all you're going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore..."

The man sighs and says, "It's started ..."

 

[Foreigner]

In an middle school a number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.

That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.

Finally, the Head Teacher decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers.......and then there are educators.

 

[Foreigner]

There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side.

His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful!" and then he fell asleep again.

His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side. A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're cute!"

Well, the wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful" it was "cute."

She said "What happened to 'beautiful'?"

His reply was "The drugs are wearing off!"

 

[Foreigner]

A doctor answers his phone and hears the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line.

"We need a fourth for poker," said the friend.

"I'll be right over," whispered the doctor.

As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it serious?"

"Oh yes, quite serious," said the doctor gravely. "In fact, there are three doctors there already!"

 

[Bundy Bear]

Birthdays are good for your health.

Studies have shown that people who have more birthdays live longer.

Happy Australia Day.

 

[anat0l]

American joke:


What's the difference between a tornado and a divorce in the South?

Nothing - someone's losing a trailer.

 

[Foreigner]

The manager of a large corporation got a heart attack, and the doctor told him to go for several weeks to a farm to relax.

The guy went to a farm, and after a couple of days he was very bored, so he asked the farmer to give him some job to do.

The farmer told him to clean up all of the cow manure. The farmer thought that to somebody coming from the city, working the whole life sitting in an office, it will take over a week to finish the job, but for his surprise the manager finished the job in less than one day.

The next day the farmer gave to the manager a more difficult job: to cut the heads of 500 chickens.

The farmer was sure that the manager will not be able to do the job, but at the end of the day the job was done. The next morning, as most of the jobs in the farm were done, the farmer asked the manager to divide a bag of potatoes in two boxes: one box with small potatoes, and one box with big potatoes.

At the end of the day the farmer saw that the manager was sitting in front of the potatoes bag, but the two boxes were empty.

The farmer asked the manager, "How is that you made such difficult jobs during the first days, and now you cannot do this simple job?"

The manager answered, "Listen, all my life I'm cutting heads and dealing with cough, but now you ask me to make decisions!"

 

[Foreigner]

When some doctors were told to contribute to the construction of a new wing at a hospital, The allergists voted to scratch it.
The dermatologists preferred no rash moves.
The gastroenterologists had a gut feeling about it.
The micro-surgeons were thinking along the same vein.
The neurologists thought the administration had a lot of nerve.
The obstetricians stated they were laboring under a misconception.
The ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted.
The orthopedists issued a joint resolution.
The parasitologists said, "well, if you encyst".
The pathologists yelled, "over my dead body!"
The pediatricians said, "grow up".
The proctologists said, "we are in arrears".
The psychiatrists thought it was madness.
The surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.
The radiologists could see right through it.
The internists thought it was a hard pill to swallow.
The plastic surgeons said, "this puts a whole new face on the matter".
The podiatrists thought it was a big step forward.
The urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water.
The anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas.
The cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
And the otologists were deaf to the idea.

 

[Foreigner]

A man went into the proctologist's office for his first exam.

The nurse told him to have a seat in the examination room and that the doctor would be with him in just a few minutes.

When the man sat down and began observing the tools, he noticed there were 3 items on a stand next to the doctor's desk.

1. A tube of K-Y jelly
2. A rubber glove
3. A beer

When the doctor finally came in, the man said, "Look Doc, I'm a little confused. This is my first exam. I know what the K-Y is for, and I know what the glove is for, but can you tell me what the BEER is for?"

The doctor curses in exasperation, flung open the door, and yelled, "Nurse! I said to bring me a butt light!"

 

[codash1099]

This is hilarious. Read the detail before watching.

Turbo Encabulator

 

[Major]

I swear that this is a true Bundy Rum Fishing Story.................

BUNDY RUM (Bundaberg Rum)... Queensland 's famous product! Forget Jamaica or any other rubbish!

For you overseas people a King Brown is one of the deadliest snakes on earth. Out of the worlds top 10 deadliest, Australia has 9.

I finally got around to going fishing this morning, but, after a while I ran out of worms.

Then I saw a King Brown with a frog in his mouth, and frogs are good bass bait.
Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth; I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake, without getting bitten. I grabbed my bottle of Bundaberg rum and poured a little rum in its mouth.

His eyes rolled back, he went limp, I released him into the lake without incident, and carried on my fishing with the frog.

A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot.

There was that same snake and, bugger me, it had two frogs in his mouth.

 

[anat0l]

Nerd humour alert:

http://i.imgur.com/duDn5Nc.jpg

I didn't hot link it... there's one word in the text at the top which I'm not sure violates the AFF ToS or not

 

[Foreigner]

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an
unusual offer.
"Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to
me and the part where I'm to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and
'forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if
you'd just leave that part out." He passed the minister a $100 bill and
walked away satisfied.
It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to that
part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for
the groom's vows, the pastor looks the young man in the eye and says, "Will
you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and
wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear
eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look
at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"
The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "I do."
The groom leaned toward the pastor and hissed, "I thought we had a deal."
The pastor put the $100 bill into his hand and whispered back, "She made me
a much better offer."

 

[Foreigner]

A pastor at a frontier church ended a stirring sermon with, "All those who want to go to heaven, put up your hands!"

Everybody enthusiastically raised their hands.... everybody except a grizzled old cowboy who had been slouching against the door post at the back of the room.

All heads turned as he sauntered up to the front, spurs jangling and said, "Preacher, that was too easy. How do you know if these folks are serious? I can guarantee to prove who really means it and who don't!"

Bemused the preacher said, "Ok, stranger, go ahead and put the faith of these good people to the test. Ask them anything you want."

At that, the cowpoke pulled his twin six-shooters, turned to the audience and said, "Alright... who wants to go to heaven... raise your hands!"

 

[Foreigner]

An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for cough.

The pharmacist said, "That's no problem. How many do you want?"

The old gentleman answered, "Just a few, maybe 4, but please cut each one into 4 pieces."

The pharmacist said, "That won't do you any good."

The elderly gentleman said, "That's all right. I don't need them for sex anymore, as I am over 80 years old. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my shoes."

 

[Gold Member]

Oldie but a goodie, though not sure if its been posted earlier (useless search engine here sad 'Nooo...')

Hungry jacks is offering a new Ben Cousins Value meal. Its just coke and ice...

 

[Bundy Bear]

Stole this from todays paper, a good one for this audience.

A sexy young woman was sitting next to a guy in a plane. After a little while she said to him: "Can you help me remove something from my breasts please?"
The excited young man replied, "Wow! :shock: it would be my pleasure - so what is it?"




Her reply: "Your eyes, moron!":evil:

 

[Foreigner]

A young woman on a flight from Mexico asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course, what may I do for you?" the priest replied.

"Well, I bought an expensive hair dryer for my mother's birthday. It's unopened and over my customs limits. I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through for me? Under your robes, perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie," said the devout man.

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

When they reached the customs area, she let the priest go ahead of her.

The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?" "From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?" "I have a marvelous instrument designed for a woman's use, but which is, to date, unused." The official said, "Go ahead, Father."

 

[Foreigner]

In a trial, a small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, an elderly grandmother to the stand.

He approached her and asked, "Mrs.. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you're a big disappointment to me. You lie, cheat on your wife, manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs.. Jones, do you know the defence attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr.. Bradley since he was a youngster. He's lazy, bigoted, and has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes I know him."

The defence attorney almost died. The judge asked both lawyers to approach the bench and in a quiet voice said:

"If either of you rascal asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair."