A bit of humour

[Foreigner]

A blonde brought her baby to a doctor. After examining, the doctor right away determined that the baby had an earache. He wrote a prescription for eardrops.

In the directions he wrote, "Put two drops in right ear every four hours" and he abbreviated "right" as an R with a circle around it.

Several days passed, and the woman returned with her baby, complaining that the baby still had an earache, and his little behind was getting really greasy with all those drops of oil.

The doctor looked at the bottle of ear drops and sure enough, the pharmacist had typed the following instructions on the label:
"Put two drops in R ear every four hours."

 

[JohnK]

There appears to be a few versions of this one doing the rounds.

On July 20, 1969, as commander of the Apollo 11 lunar module, Neil Armstrong was the first person to set foo on the moon. His first words after stepping on the moon, "that's one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind," were televised to earth and heard by millions.*
But just before he re-entered the lander, he made the enigmatic remark - "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky."

Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs.

Over the years, many people questioned Armstrong as to what the - 'Good luck, Mr. Gorsky' statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.

On July 5, 1995, in Tampa Bay, Florida, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26-year-old questions about Mr. Gorsky to Armsgtrong.

This time he finally responded because Mr. Gorsky had died, so Neil Armstrong felt he could now answer the question.

Here is the answer to "Who was Mr. Gorsky":

In 1938, when he was a kid in a small mid-western town, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyeard. His friend hit the ball, which landed in his neighbor's yeard by their bedroom window.

His neighbors were Mr. and Mrs. Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shout at Mr. Gorsky, "SEX! You want sex?! You'll get sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"

It broke the place up.

Neil Armstrong's family confirmed this is a true story.

 

[codash1099]

There appears to be a few versions of this one doing the rounds.

On July 20, 1969, as commander of the Apollo 11 lunar module, Neil Armstrong was the first person to set foo on the moon. His first words after stepping on the moon, "that's one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind," were televised to earth and heard by millions.*
But just before he re-entered the lander, he made the enigmatic remark - "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky."

Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs.

Over the years, many people questioned Armstrong as to what the - 'Good luck, Mr. Gorsky' statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.

On July 5, 1995, in Tampa Bay, Florida, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26-year-old questions about Mr. Gorsky to Armsgtrong.

This time he finally responded because Mr. Gorsky had died, so Neil Armstrong felt he could now answer the question.

Here is the answer to "Who was Mr. Gorsky":

In 1938, when he was a kid in a small mid-western town, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyeard. His friend hit the ball, which landed in his neighbor's yeard by their bedroom window.

His neighbors were Mr. and Mrs. Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shout at Mr. Gorsky, "SEX! You want sex?! You'll get sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"

It broke the place up.

Neil Armstrong's family confirmed this is a true story.

Sorry, JohnK, hoax.

snopes.com: Good Luck, Mr. Gorsky!

 

[JohnK]

Sorry, JohnK, hoax.

It is still funny though.

Oh and I am one of the sceptics who does not believe in the moon landing and that is another topic for another day on another board....

 

[Foreigner]

An elderly gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane. At the French customs desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his Carry-on bag. "You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked, sarcastically.


The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France previously.


"Then you should know enough to have your passport ready."


The American said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."


"Impossible. Americans always have to show your passports on arrival in France!"


The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained. "Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it to."

 

[Foreigner]

A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.

After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the server, "Hey, you want to hear a blond joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair -- given that you're blind -- that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blond girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blond girl.
3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. blond woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blond and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blond and a professional wrestler. Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still want to tell that joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, "No... Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

 

[codash1099]

Not really funny, just clever.

[FONT=&quot]When copywriter Robert Pirosh landed in Hollywood in 1934, eager to become a screenwriter, he wrote and sent the following letter to all the directors, producers, and studio executives he could think of. The approach worked, and after securing three interviews he took a job as a junior writer with MGM.

Pirosh went on to write for the Marx Brothers, and in 1949 won an Academy Award for his Battleground script.

(Source: Dear Wit.)[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Dear Sir:

I like words. I like fat buttery words, such as ooze, turpitude, glutinous, toady. I like solemn, angular, creaky words, such as straitlaced, cantankerous, pecunious, valedictory. I like spurious, black-is-white words, such as mortician, liquidate, tonsorial, demi-monde. I like suave "V" words, such as Svengali, svelte, bravura, verve. I like crunchy, brittle, crackly words, such as splinter, grapple, jostle, crusty. I like sullen, crabbed, scowling words, such as skulk, glower, scabby, churl. I like Oh-Heavens, my-gracious, land's-sake words, such as tricksy, tucker, genteel, horrid. I like elegant, flowery words, such as estivate, peregrinate, elysium, halcyon. I like wormy, squirmy, mealy words, such as crawl, blubber, squeal, drip. I like sniggly, chuckling words, such as cowlick, gurgle, bubble and burp.

I like the word screenwriter better than copywriter, so I decided to quit my job in a New York advertising agency and try my luck in Hollywood, but before taking the plunge I went to Europe for a year of study, contemplation and horsing around.

I have just returned and I still like words.

May I have a few with you?

Robert Pirosh
385 Madison Avenue
Room 610
New York
Eldorado 5-6024[/FONT]

 

[Major]

A cowboy appears before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asks.

"Well I can think of one thing," the cowboy offers.

"On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.
"So I approached the largest and heaviest tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off or I'll kick the s**t out of all of you'!"

St. Peter is impressed, "When did this happen?"

"Coupla minutes ago."

 

[Bundy Bear]

[h=5]Two men waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation.

“How’d you die?” the first man asks the second.
“I froze to death,” says the second.
“That’s awful,” says the first man. “How does it feel to freeze to death?”
“It’s very uncomfortable at first”, says the second man. “You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it’s a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you’re sleeping. How about you, how did you die?”

“I had a heart attack,” says the first man. “You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding there, either. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died.”

The second man shakes his head. “That’s so ironic,” he says.
“What do you mean?” asks the first man.
“If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we’d both still be alive.”[/h]

 

[Foreigner]

In an Anglican church, each service begins with a greeting.

The officiating clergyman says, "The Lord be with you."

The congregation used to respond by saying, "And with thy spirit."

But, with the modernizing of the liturgy, the minister now says, "The Lord be with you," and everyone responds with, "And also with you."

One Sunday a visiting bishop went to a church where the sound system was known to be old and unreliable.

As he approached the microphone, he tapped it several times and finally said, "There's something wrong with this!"

Without hesitation, the whole congregation answered faithfully, "And also with you."

 

[Foreigner]

Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"

80% held up their hands.

The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.

"Mrs. Neely, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"I don't have any," She replied, smiling sweetly.

"Mrs. Neely, that is very unusual. How old are you?"

Ninety-eight," she replied.

The congregation stood up and clapped their hands.

"Oh, Mrs. Neely, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?"

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said, "I outlived the coughes."

 

[Foreigner]

Father O'Malley answers the phone.

'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'

'It is!'

'This is the IRS. Can you help us?

'I can!'

'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?"

'I do!'

'Is he a member of your congregation?'

'He is!'

'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'

'He will.'

 

[Foreigner]

George was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.

Looking up toward heaven, he said, "Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up tequila."

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

George looked up again and said, "Never mind. I found one."

 

[The Rok]

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=zqIEZCRjR_A

Worth watching the whole series.

 

[Foreigner]

When a man died, his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea.

No sooner were the papers delivered than a good friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, "You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea." Replied the widow, "I nursed him night and day so of course I knew he died of diarrhea. But I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big cough he always was."

 

[Foreigner]

Jack and Max are walking from religious service. Jack wonders whether it would be all right to smoke while praying.

Max replies, "Why don't you ask the Priest?"

So Jack goes up to the Priest and asks, "Father, may I smoke while I pray ?"

The Priest replies, "No, my son, you may not! That's utter disrespect to our religion."

Jack goes back to his friend and tells him what the good Priest told him.

Max says, "I'm not surprised. You asked the wrong question. Let me try."

And so Max goes up to the Priest and asks, "Father, may I pray while I smoke ?"

To which the Priest eagerly replies, "By all means, my son. By all means. You can always pray whenever you want to."

 

[Foreigner]

A preacher was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.

The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the preacher if he would like a drink.

He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely attacked by a dozen sleazy women than let liquor touch my lips."

The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."

 

[Foreigner]

Aboard a flight from L.A. to New York, Grandma Esther was taking her very first flight.

They had only been aloft a few minutes when the elderly lady complained to the stewardess that her ears were popping.

The girl smiled and gave the older woman some chewing gum, assuring her that many people experienced the same discomfort.

When they landed in New York, Grandma thanked the stewardess.

"The chewing gum worked fine," she said, "but tell me, how do I get it out of my ears?"

 

[Major]

At dawn the telephone rings,

"Hello, Señor Bob? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."

"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Señor Bob, that your parrot, he is dead".

"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"

"Si, Señor, that's the one."

"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"

"From eating the rotten meat, Señor Bob."

"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"

"Nobody, Señor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."

"Dead horse? What dead horse?"

"The thoroughbred, Señor Bob."

"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"

"Yes, Señor Bob, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."

"Are you insane? What water cart?"

"The one we used to put out the fire, Señor."

"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"

"The one at your house, Señor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."

"What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?!"

"Yes, Señor Bob."

"But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?"

"For the funeral, Señor Bob."

"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!"

"Your wife's, Señor Bob. She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Ping G15 204g titanium head golf club with the TFC 149D graphite shaft."

SILENCE...........

LONG SILENCE.........

VERY LONG SILENCE....

"Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep sh1t."

 

[codash1099]

Funniest thing of the day:

Anthony Mundine explaining away his loss, including the statement that he "walked into a hambush"