A bit of humour

[Maca44]

Funniest thing of the day:

Anthony Mundine explaining away his loss, including the statement that he "walked into a hambush"

I actually thought it was a very poor points decision against him, it should have been more.

 

[Major]

Approximately 200 dead crows were recently found near Northam on the Great Eastern Highway in
West Australia and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.

A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and confirmed the problem was definitely
NOT Avian Flu (to everyone's relief).

However, he determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, and only 2%
were killed by an impact with a car.

The State Government then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine the dis- proportionate
percentages for truck versus car kills
.
The Ornithological Behaviorist determined the cause, the conclusion in short order was: When crows
eat road kill, they always set-up a look-out Crow in nearby tree to warn of impending danger.

His conclusion was that the lookout crow could say "Cah", but he could not say "Truck."

 

[Major]

In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the Mystic delivered grave news:
"There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow.
Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, Laura stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands.
She took a few deep breaths to compose herself and to stop her mind racing.

She simply had to know.
She met the Fortune Teller's gaze, steadied her voice and asked, "Will I be acquitted?"

 

[Flashback]

You have to admire this guys creativity: Hacker Faces 105 Years In Prison After Blackmailing 350+ Women - Slashdot

 

[Foreigner]

Before his daring escape from prison, an infamous criminal had been photographed from four different angles.

The FBI sent copies of the pictures to police chiefs all across the land, with orders to notify Washington the moment an arrest was made.

The next day, the Bureau received a faxed reply from the ambitious sheriff of a small Southern town:

"PICTURES RECEIVED. ALL FOUR SHOT DEAD WHILE RESISTING ARREST."

 

[Foreigner]

Two Proctologists were at a medical conference in a resort in outback Australia. They decided to enjoy the local highlights from the back of a camel for $ A 20.

The owner warned them that the camel was highly trained to do the rounds of the town, stop briefly at the highlights, then return them to the start of the ride. Under no circumstances, he warned them, were they to get off the camel, otherwise it would return to it's home to eat grass.

After some time there was no sign of the camel or doctors and people in queue for the ride were complaining. The owner was losing a lot of money. Eventually the two doctors could be seen forlornly walking back to the operator.

"Please don't tell me you got off?" asked the owner incredulously when they arrived.

"We're sorry, but we did" they said together, despondently.

"But why?…Why would you get off when I told you not to?!"

"Well…the camel slowed down at a sight…and a man came along in a Holden, wound the window down, and yelled, 'Look at the two coughholes on the camel!'…and ……… well, we couldn't resist having a look!"

 

[markis10]

QPS patrol win Window Winding Olympics!

 

[codash1099]

QPS patrol win Window Winding Olympics!

Just a loose windscreen viper

 

[anat0l]

QPS patrol win Window Winding Olympics!

"I HAVE HAD IT... WITH THESE MO..."

*shoots Samuel L Jackson*

 

[Hvr]

Journalist spectacularly shames interrupter - The West Australian

An hilarious report from Bourbon St in New Orleans where the reporter is getting interrupted and asks a wonderful question.

 

[Flashback]

"I HAVE HAD IT... WITH THESE MO..."

*shoots Samuel L Jackson*

First a QF plane, now a QPS patrol car ...

 

[ashleyn]

Many years ago on a long Qantas flight across the pond,
an elderly lady asked if she could visit the coughpit.

When she got up there, she found four crewmen. She asked the first what he did
and he explained that he was the navigator and what his responsibilities were.
She turned to next one and asked what he did. He explained that he was the flight engineer and
that his job was to monitor and troubleshoot any system problems to keep the flight operating smoothly.

She turned to the next one and asked what he did. He explained that he was the Captain,
and he was responsible for everything on the air plane and the functioning of the crew.

She then turned to the first officer and asked "Well young man, what is your job?"
He replied "Ma'am, I am the captain's sexual advisor."

Somewhat shocked, she said "I beg your pardon, but what do you mean by that?"

"Very simple ma'am.

The captain has told me many times that when he wants my f#cking advice, he'll ask me."

 

[Foreigner]

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sits down in the aisle seat and puts his black Labrador in the middle seat next to the man...

The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why the dog is allowed on the plane.

The second man explains, I'm a Drug Enforcement Agency officer and the dog is a Sniffer dog. His name is Smithy and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work."

The plane takes off, and once it has levelled out, the agent says, "Watch this." He tells Smithy to 'search'.

Smithy jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Smithy then returns to his seat and puts one paw on the agent's arm.

The agent says, "Good boy", and he turns to the man and says,"That woman is in possession of marijuan_, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land."

"Say, that's pretty neat," replies the first man.

Once again, the agent sends Smithy to search the aisles. The dog sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to his seat and this time, he places TWO paws on the agent's arm. The agent says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making note of his seat number for the police."

"I like it!" says his seat mate.

The agent then tells Smithy to 'search' again. Smithy walks up and down the aisles for a little while, sits down for a moment and then comes racing back to the agent, jumps into the middle seat and proceeds to **** all over the place.

The first man is really amazed now by this behaviour and can't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like this, so he asks the agent., "What's going on?"

The agent nervously replies, "He just found a bomb!"

 

[Foreigner]

John was talking to his fiancé, Rebecca, and he said, "Be honest, now, baby. How am I as a lover?"

To which she replied, "Honey, I would definitely say that you're warm."

"Really?" he said excitedly.

"Yes, in fact I would say that you're the dictionary definition of the word 'warm'."

John was pleased until he went home and, just for fun, checked his dictionary and found, "WARM: Not so hot."

 

[Foreigner]

Two Aussies, Hugo and Jake, were adrift in a lifeboat. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Hugo stumbled across an old lamp.

He rubbed the lamp vigorously and a genie came forth. This genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.

Without giving much thought to the matter, Hugo blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into BEER!"

The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew EVER sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished.

Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.

Jake looked disgustedly at Hugo whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment Jake said, "Nice going Hugo! Now we're going to have to piss in the boat."

 

[Foreigner]

A young reporter was given the opportunity to interview a very successful, very wealthy banker. The reporter asked him, "Sir, What is the secret of your success?"

He said "Two words, young man."

"And, Sir, what are they?"

"Right decisions."

"But how do you make right decisions?"

"One word." he responded.

"And, sir, What is that?"

"Experience."

"And how do you get Experience?"

"Two words"

"And, Sir, what are they?"

The banker replied with a wry smile, "Wrong decisions."

 

[Foreigner]

You've probably heard of "deja vu," the illusion of having previously experienced a situation that is happening now. Here are some related expressions. Feel like I've...

...milked this cow before: deja moo

...seen this strange animal before: deja gnu

...smelled this bad odor before: deja phew

...visited this menagerie before: deja zoo

...scared this person away before: deja boo

...read this mystery book before: deja clue

...been in this courtroom before: deja sue

...felt this bad before: deja rue

...felt this sad before: deja blue

...expanded this way before: deja grew

...learned this stuff before: deja knew

...waited in line before: deja queue

...eaten this dinner before: deja stew

...pursued this person before: deja woo

...forgotten this your name before: deja who

...had this feeling of deja vu before: deja too

...seen these twins before: deja two

...used this beer recipe before: deja brew

...been on this airplane before: deja flew

...came up with this innovation before: deja new

...sketched this portrait before: deja drew

...ended this relationship before: deja through

...felt this ill before: deja flu

...munched on this gum ball before: deja chew

...played in this wet grass before: deja dew

...admired this scenery before: deja ooo

...exposed the real facts before: deja true

 

[Foreigner]

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.

The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said: "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"

The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much."

The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving a van carrying dead Bodies for the last 25 years.....

 

[Foreigner]

After a day fishing in the ocean a fisherman is walking from the pier carrying two lobsters in a bucket. He is approached by the Game Warden who asks him for his fishing license.

The fisherman says to the warden, "I did not catch these lobsters, they are my pets. Everyday I come down to the water and whistle and these lobster jump out and I take them for a walk only to return them at the end of the day."

The warden, not believing him, reminds him that it is illegal to fish without a license.

The fisherman turns to the warden and says, "If you don't believe me then watch," as he throws the lobsters back into the water.

The warden says, "Now whistle to your lobsters and show me that they will come out of the water."

The fisherman turns to the warden and says, "What lobsters?"

 

[Foreigner]

Two goobers were talking.

One was explaining to the other how the Lord often compensates for a person's natural deficiencies.

"You see," he said, "If someone is a bit blind he might have a very good sense of hearing, or if his sense of taste has gone, he may have a keen sense of smell."

"I agree with you," said the other. "I've always noticed that if someone has one short leg, the other one is always just that little bit longer."